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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest a different film for 9yo DD? It started a massive argument

181 replies

HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 08:11

Yesterday morning, my DW suggested we go to the cinema. She loves Harry Potter and there is a new Fantastic Beasts film out.
I have a 9yr old dd, and 12yr old ds, she has a 13yr old ds.
I suggested that dd doesn't like Harry Potter, and that is quite an adult film, she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way, and that I take her to see Sonic the Hedgehog at the same time.
This created such a big argument. I was in shock at how big a deal it became. I backed down almost instantly and said sorry, didn't realise it was going to upset you, it's OK, we'll all go to see the fantastic beasts film. She was so upset we didn't go to see anything. It had created too big a drama.

Her main points were:
My double standards as I've taken dd to see star wars in the past and she's not really into that either.
I'm creating a divide in the family.
She said this is child led parenting, and since when did we start doing that. (I've never given any thought to or had any discussions about child led parenting. I don't know the pros and cons) My only answer to that was that we often involve the children in conversations about days out and get them involved.

It was a horrible atmosphere in the house for the rest of the day. DW only spoke to me when she had to, and if I spoke to her, I got 1 word answers back

OP posts:
artisanbread · 17/04/2022 08:50

Good grief, why are people picking about a parent saying they think their child is sweet for liking cartoons?🙄

Sounds like your DW had this idea about having a family day and didn't like the idea of you and DD doing something separately and has had a complete overreaction. Probably needs a discussion when everyone has calmed down about why she was so upset. It's not unreasonable to see two different films if some particularly want to see one and others don't. As PP said, you don't interact much in a dark cinema anyway.

cantkeepawayforever · 17/04/2022 08:52

It's a non-issue - the film is 12A so the 9 year old wouldn't get in. Not sure why the huge row, clearly lots else going on.

crossstitchingnana · 17/04/2022 08:52

I sense there's more to it, otherwise the partner is massively overreacting.

Haus1234 · 17/04/2022 08:55

@cantkeepawayforever

It's a non-issue - the film is 12A so the 9 year old wouldn't get in. Not sure why the huge row, clearly lots else going on.
I mean they would if they were accompanied by an adult! That’s what the “A” means…
SkoolShoes · 17/04/2022 08:57

Does your DW feel your DD gets her own way a lot? Or your DC in general? So "overriding" your DW? Was this the straw that broke the camel's back? So just that this was not about the film choice at all?

But the silent treatment? You need to talk. And listen to each other. Maybe she was trying to tell you the issue with the child-led parenting discussion but you were not listening?

But this is on scanty information. Would be interesting to hear the other side of the tale....

ThinkForAMinute · 17/04/2022 09:03

@cantkeepawayforever

It's a non-issue - the film is 12A so the 9 year old wouldn't get in. Not sure why the huge row, clearly lots else going on.
Yes they would if accompanied by an adult.
aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2022 09:04

This does seem like a massive overreaction on your DWs part, and I think you're right that the Fantastic Beasts would be a stupid film to take a disinterested child to. It's the latest in a long franchise, you'll need to have seen the others to get it and apparently quite long.

I can only think that this might have been part of a wider issue for your DW. Do you think she generally feels that you focus on your DD/organise things around her too much?

Also, I know it's not really the point but there hasn't been a new Star Wars film in ages, how young was she when you took her to that??

Emmelina · 17/04/2022 09:04

Your daughter wouldn’t have got anything out of the third film in a trilogy without seeing the first two. Whether or not she’s into Harry Potter, FB has quite a complex story and it won’t make sense.

Saracen · 17/04/2022 09:04

I agree with others who've said there must be more going on for your wife here. To her, this situation is part of something else. The two of you need to talk. See if you can do it in a way which doesn't blame anyone: "I didn't mean to upset you over the film yesterday and I'm sorry we had such a big falling out over it. I can see this means a lot to you. Can we talk about it?"

Posting this on AIBU suggests to me that you are still wrapped up in who's right and who's wrong about the film choice, which is not really the point. The level of your DW's reaction says this is not about who watched which film. It would have been good if she had been able to express that at the time, but maybe she needs some time and space to figure out what's going on for her and tell you. Make it clear you are ready to listen.

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2022 09:06

Is your 9 year old into Star Wars - are they on a par with their feelings towards Harry Potter and have they seen more of one or the other

Because if they are the same you can see how it is a double standard

And saying how nice and sweet your 9 year old is seems to suggest something about the Harry Potter films

They are long (as is Star Wars) and complicated (ditto) has a certain amount of violence (Star Wars kills off a lot) so in a way you are right

But if everyone say through Star Wars for you because YOU wanted to - can’t you see how this is an issue for your wife? More importantly did she sit through Star Wars for you

Recently DD (13) wanted to see Uncharted and DS (Sonic) they both sat through through each other’s movies

oblada · 17/04/2022 09:07

@anotherneutralname

Isn't the HP film a 12 anyway? I have a feeling I looked at it for my ten year old and realised it wasn't suitably rated. Be happy to be wrong as I'd quite like to go Grin

In any case, in an idea, world you two would have planned the outing at home (when seeing two films might have been something you could discuss and agree on) rather than do a last minute change when already at the cinema. Holding onto offence for a long time afterwards isn't great though - is your DW going through something else that has exhausted her, and she maybe just wanted some support where another adult had eyes on all kids?

Not sure anyone pays that much attention to the ratings to be honest. My kids have enjoyed the first 2 and are younger than 12, by a stretch. I'd happily take my 10yrs old and 8yrs old to the cinema to watch it. You know your kids best.

OP - i also very much rolled my eyes at the "watches cartoons and sweet that way" comment that was a bit ridiculous. Maybe that's what trigger the dispute.

Ultimately in your shoes I'd speak to the kids and agree as a family surely? I agree with the DW that going as a family to one movie would be nicer if possible. The ages of the kids does seem to make that quite realistic.

palmplantcirca1980s · 17/04/2022 09:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MaudieandMe · 17/04/2022 09:10

Your DW needs to grow up, learn how to communicate like an adult and stop sulking.

I wouldn’t marry anyone that can’t deal with differences of opinion in a respectful manner.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/04/2022 09:10

Talk to her. Perhaps she felt you were trying to prioritise your DD? Perhaps she thought you were sabotaging a family trip together? Perhaps she thought you were having a subtle dig at her film choice?

In this situation, we’d have seen both films - one film on one trip all together, and the second film on a subsequent trip altogether. Give and take.

Abouttoblow · 17/04/2022 09:12

Your wife was being completely unreasonable.

And some of the posters on this thread are completely batshit.

Mellowyellow222 · 17/04/2022 09:12

I don’t see anything working with suggesting a different movie for a younger child you doesn’t like Harry Potter! Quite an odd reaction to get angry.

It’s not child led parenting. It’s taking account of different aged children.

My niece is nine - she still loves cartoons and would get bored by the Harry Potter movie - it’s just too grown up. Her brother would love it. Wouldn’t force her to sit through it because her brother and I like Harry Potter?

I think you have bigger problems if your wife blew up over something so small

Ace56 · 17/04/2022 09:14

Seems like some people on here don’t go to the cinema much. 12A means a younger child can get in if they are accompanied by an adult. The rating was changed from 12 to 12A about 10 years ago.

OP, agree with others that it seems like there is more going on here than just the films. There are obviously hidden resentments - you’ll need to think about what these could be and have a discussion with your wife.

oblada · 17/04/2022 09:14

@cantkeepawayforever

It's a non-issue - the film is 12A so the 9 year old wouldn't get in. Not sure why the huge row, clearly lots else going on.
That's not how it works. Thank God parents can still make some decisions for their kids.
NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 09:15

Posting this on AIBU suggests to me that you are still wrapped up in who's right and who's wrong about the film choice, which is not really the point. The level of your DW's reaction says this is not about who watched which film. It would have been good if she had been able to express that at the time, but maybe she needs some time and space to figure out what's going on for her and tell you. Make it clear you are ready to listen.

Agree with this.

SimpleShootingWeekend · 17/04/2022 09:15

I wouldn’t take a 9yo to see FB, but then I wouldn’t take one to see Star Wars either.

Seems fine for one adult to take the older dc to FB and the other to take the younger to see a cartoon

I’ve been to the cinema, just me and DH, and we’ve seen separate film and then met afterwards for something to eat.

It’s a real kick in the guts when you suggest doing something together and they say “great, let’s do that but I’ll just switch it about so we don’t actually have to spend time together!”

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 09:15

@Sometimeswinning

There’s something about the way you’ve written it here has got right up my nose. I can’t put my finger on it. That might be just the written word, or it might be something in how it came across in real life too

What????? You're on a whole different level of projecting!

What I found interesting about that post was that because the OPs post 'got up their nose' that somehow theres something wrong with the OP rather than the poster who has an issue with it!!!
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/04/2022 09:16

I thought they were probably 2 x DW, too.
But what a ridiculous fuss - why couldn’t they go to see different films?
Are they joined at the hip?

Sounds like a toddler-tantrum sort of reason for falling out.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/04/2022 09:19

A big fuss about nothing, and I would have no tolerance for the sulking.

SScoobiedoo · 17/04/2022 09:20

There is a background issue - does she feel you favour Dd over the others, houbaby her?

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2022 09:23

I wouldn’t take a 9 year old to baby animal torture and killing.

As for your op, often arguments aren’t about the actual event, rather about what the event symbolises. How much time do you spend alone with your dw? And how much as a family?

This sounds like a massive overreaction from your dw. I also don’t care what sex you are op. I cannot stand sulking.

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