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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to suggest a different film for 9yo DD? It started a massive argument

181 replies

HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 08:11

Yesterday morning, my DW suggested we go to the cinema. She loves Harry Potter and there is a new Fantastic Beasts film out.
I have a 9yr old dd, and 12yr old ds, she has a 13yr old ds.
I suggested that dd doesn't like Harry Potter, and that is quite an adult film, she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way, and that I take her to see Sonic the Hedgehog at the same time.
This created such a big argument. I was in shock at how big a deal it became. I backed down almost instantly and said sorry, didn't realise it was going to upset you, it's OK, we'll all go to see the fantastic beasts film. She was so upset we didn't go to see anything. It had created too big a drama.

Her main points were:
My double standards as I've taken dd to see star wars in the past and she's not really into that either.
I'm creating a divide in the family.
She said this is child led parenting, and since when did we start doing that. (I've never given any thought to or had any discussions about child led parenting. I don't know the pros and cons) My only answer to that was that we often involve the children in conversations about days out and get them involved.

It was a horrible atmosphere in the house for the rest of the day. DW only spoke to me when she had to, and if I spoke to her, I got 1 word answers back

OP posts:

Batmannequin · 17/04/2022 09:23

I get the feeling there's more to this. Almost as if this meltdown is the end result of some sort of culmination of other factors. It's not rational to blow up like this for this reason alone.

ImustLearn2Cook · 17/04/2022 09:25

The movie is rated M here in Australia. I would not allow my dd at 9 to see it. I wouldn’t let her see any of the Harry Potter movies or Star Wars movies that are rated M either. I allow PG movies. So, I have voted yanbu. I allowed my daughter to watch the Star Wars a New Hope episode IV because it is rated PG.

If you allowed your daughter to see the latest ones that are rated M then I see your wife’s point about double standards.

So, maybe acknowledge the double standard but stick to your compromise of taking dd to see the new Sonic the Hedgehog movie. It is brilliant by the way. Very good humour in it for both the kids and their parents, excellent acting, special effects and cgi are fantastic. Loved that movie.

I think when a group goes to the cinema everyone should find a movie that everyone would enjoy. There is nothing stopping your wife from seeing her movie choice so I think it’s a good compromise. Another compromise is to say that you would love to see Fantastic Beasts with her another time but can we choose a movie that everyone in the family will enjoy?

Maybe she is upset because she wants to see a movie with you. Perhaps you both just need to have a night out without the kids.

Guavaf1sh · 17/04/2022 09:32

Based on the information here your wife was unreasonable and her reaction is strange and I feel sorry for you and the kids living in such an environment. Is she often like this? Does she sulk a lot or is this a one off? If this is typical then it might be the person she is and there is nothing you can do to fix her

andweallsingalong · 17/04/2022 09:32

Hmmmm as a one off it sounds like an over reaction, but is it a pattern OP. As in she wants to do something nice as a teat as a whole family, it's agreed, then you come along and scupper it.

If it's a pattern and especially if it was a lovely treat in her mind I can see why she was upset, particularly as sonic is a good film to see as a family too. Couldn't you have suggested taking everyone to see Sonic next weekend and mustered some enthusiasm for her much looked forward to family plans this weekend?

Are finances / family time out tight OP because the emotional response would be more understandable if family treats are in short supply rather than if you have regular trips to the cinema.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 17/04/2022 09:35

What makes it even more ridiculous is that once the film starts, it doesn't matter who you're watching with as you can't chat or socialise in any way. You might as well be in different screens and then meet up afterwards and talk about your respective films. You've not really lost much of a sharing experience.

Also rolling my eyes at how nearly everyone always assume heterosexual relationships on MN. And then had to shout woke as if us same sex attracted people are just doing it for virtue signalling attention.

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2022 09:39

It all seems very dramatic, to the extent that disagreement with your dw despite your acquiescence to her want that nobody went. Why would it be so bad to see different films? You'd still be in the same building, sitting in the dark, not speaking to each other. Not like you said, you go to cinema we'll go bowling!

chisanunian · 17/04/2022 09:40

@underneaththeash

Has she seen the previous two? If she hasn't there's no way she'll follow what's going on.

That's what I was thinking. My dc went to see it the other day and they both said it was impenetrable in parts. And they are HP mad 20-somethings.

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2022 09:41

I think @HouseofPhotos the Star Wars double standard comment really does need to be addressed in order to gauge what happened

Because I think that is key - and your feelings about both and your wife

Tumbleweed101 · 17/04/2022 09:42

This particular film you have to have seen the first two to be able to follow it and it has more adult themes than the first one of this series. I don’t think I’d take my 12yo, not because I think she’s too young but that it takes a while to get going and there are a lot of character arcs going on that slow it down.

slimshady18 · 17/04/2022 09:44

@AchillesPoirot

Would she not be nice or sweet anymore if she liked Harry Potter?

There’s something about the way you’ve written it here has got right up my nose. I can’t put my finger on it. That might be just the written word, or it might be something in how it came across in real life too

Your wife wanted to do something together. You didn’t. You do sound a bit like you don’t approve of her choice.

maybe the fact that it was written by a man is bothering you? seems like it. double standards as usual.

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 09:44

I actually thought the op was a woman so no?

DDivaStar · 17/04/2022 09:48

Your dw felt it was double standards that you'd take her to see a 'adult' film when it suits you but not when your dw suggests it.

Personally I wouldn't take my nearly 9yr old to see fb or star wars, especially without seeing it myself first.

Your dw's reaction, is childish. You.both could have just decided to do something else or split for the film and meet after......

Sushi7 · 17/04/2022 09:50

YANBU. Are you sure you don’t have 4 dc, your dw being the stroppiest one of them all? I don’t see anything wrong about travelling to the cinema together and then her watching a 12 rated film with the older dc, and you watching another film with the youngest. Your Dd won’t understand the new FB film if she hasn’t enjoyed/watched all the HP and FB films.

FairyCakeWings · 17/04/2022 09:51

Your wife is crazy, and incredibly selfish. It would have made no difference to her if you took your dd to see a different film, but her need to control the situation made her throw a tantrum when she didn’t get her own way. It’s a ridiculous way for an adult to behave, especially when your dd is too young to see the film in question anyway.

Why did you back down almost instantly when your wife started ranting? Your job is to stick up for your child. Don’t feel like you have to back down when someone is being selfish and unkind, especially when that’s directed at your daughter. Honestly, I’d think twice about continuing to have someone like this around your children, especially if you get limited contact with them.

Mellowyellow222 · 17/04/2022 09:51

@Abouttoblow

Your wife was being completely unreasonable.

And some of the posters on this thread are completely batshit.

This 👏 . Your wife is nuts. Let the kid see sonic the hedgehog.

comealongponds · 17/04/2022 09:52

If DD hasn’t seen the previous films she wouldn’t enjoy the third one so YANBU to take her to see something else. Sounds like an overreaction from DW

You do sound a bit weird focusing on her being sweet because she still likes cartoons. Obviously nothing wrong with cartoons but equally there’s nothing wrong with live action or with kids taste changing as they get older.

UnbeatenMum · 17/04/2022 09:54

I've seen it and I think you're right, your 9yo wouldn't have enjoyed it if she doesn't like HP in general and hadn't seen the previous two. My 11yo has seen 2 and 3 in the cinema but she loves Harry Potter and had read all the books by 9. It's a shame that you ended up seeing nothing because your wife was so disappointed, do you know why she felt like that?

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 17/04/2022 09:54

The latest hp is a very long watch. My DS loves em but found it hard going.

BoredZelda · 17/04/2022 09:59

This created such a big argument. I was in shock at how big a deal it became. I backed down almost instantly and said sorry

Why was there a big argument, if you backed down almost instantly? Was she arguing by herself?

She was so upset we didn't go to see anything. It had created too big a drama.

Why didn’t you just take the kids to the cinema yourself?

Oblomov22 · 17/04/2022 09:59

Clearly you wife has deeper issues and irritations that she hasn't yet verbalised. She needs to. Your dd couldn't watch it because it's a 12A.

RedskyThisNight · 17/04/2022 10:00

The film is rated as 12 so, even though you can take a 9 year old to see it, the suggestion is that it's not suitable for a child of that age (or it would be a PG if a parent's discretion was all that was needed). I personally wouldn't take a 9 year old to a 12 film, regardless of the film or the child, because I think certificates are there for a reason. OP's plan was perfectly fine, although perhaps this is something they should have discussed well in advance of any proposed trip. The topic will come up again soon for the older children in terms of when you want them to watch certificate 15 films.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 10:01

I feel like there is a back story here.. the sensible thing would have been to ask your daughter what she wanted to do. She might prefer a cartoon all things being equal, but family outings when everyone does something together are important, which I suspect is what was bothering your wife. She is being OTT but you weren’t being helpful either.

@SummerBluez go back to bed and get out the right side. The OP could easily be female.

JaninaDuszejko · 17/04/2022 10:02

Well I wouldn't take my 9yo to see Fantastic Beasts because a) they are rated 12 and he's only 9 and b) despite reading the first 3 HP books he has repeatedly said he doesn't want to watch the films (our rule with his older sisters was they could watch the film after they'd read the book). He is also sweet and young and I have no need to rush him out of childhood by making him watch a film he's not interested in. He has seen the first three Star Wars films because they are PG rated so it's not a fair comparison.

I think you need to talk to your DW and get to the bottom of the issue. Sounds like you have different parenting styles and that is causing issues. Obviously we don't know if this is a pattern or a one off but you will.

mynameisbrian · 17/04/2022 10:04

Sounds like a symptom of something else. You were going to let her take your older DC and hers to the movie whilst going off with the youngest. Do you do anything as a couple? Do you Disney parent your DC whilst she has a different style with her DC? Is she the default childcare to your DC? Sounds like an over reaction on your wife’s part but I think this just was the tipping point

Original poster

HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 10:06

Update

DW just asked DD if she wants to go and see it next weekend. DD said yes.

I did watch the trailer last night with DD to check if it was something she'd like and maybe I was wrong. She wasn't keen.

OP posts:

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