Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

I don’t think I’m going to share the emails
and messages with people he knows. I think he doesn’t deserve me to protect him -
and I don’t plan on pretending that he didn’t cheat on me repeatedly, it’s the truth- but I feel uncomfortable at the thought of outing him as a bi (at least) man to others. It’s something he has clearly felt the need to keep hidden for 40 years, I can’t see myself being the one to expose that now. It’s unnecessarily cruel and actually irrelevant, because either way the heart of the matter is that he was unfaithful to me even before we were married, until present day.

someone asked if I had confronted him, yes I have- some else anticipated his excuses perfectly up thread. It was only ever online; it was never real life, it’s an addiction to porn and the thrill of messaging; I’m bi-curious and I liked the thrill of setting up meets but I never went.

The emails make clear that this is a lie. He met people. Mostly guys it would seem though that just may be the set of messages I managed to uncover. I think maybe he can’t say this out loud/ admit this to himself as yet.

That said, obviously his most recent dalliance was female, and in amongst all the sleazy hook up emails in his sent box there were certainly messages to women, asking to meet, as well as a couple messages to his ex (female) clearly trying to strike up a conversation.

What an utter utter tosser. I am struggling every minute of the day with not telling him I hope he dies painfully in a grease fire.

Sorry you're having such a terrible time.

I wouldn't hesitate to let people know all the details. Some honesty seems like a fitting antidote to the chronic lies. But that's just me.

As a pp said. Be careful. You might see a different side of him now he has nothing to lose.

Jesus Christ! I'm so sorry op, I did not expect that, so cannot imagine how you must feel My first response is to suggest you cut his balls off. With a spoon. But, unfortunately, that is neither legal nor truly to be recommended.

So instead, I say, very strongly, take no blame here op (that's the next part of the script, when they are well and truly rumbled they inevitably blame you) This "man" is obviously a well seasoned and accomplished liar. Anyone of us could have fallen for this, and no person in what they perceive to be a loving and solid marriage could even begin to imagine this type of shit show. Find yourself a decent therapist, sharpish and put all the focus on you and your dc. He has now made himself an irrelevance not worthy of your consideration and you need to gather as much support around you as you can. This is obviously an enormous body blow, but, you WILL RISE AGAIN. This fucker won't take you down. Sending very unmumsnetty hugs and tons of support. You aren't alone xxx

Jesus Christ! I'm so sorry op, I did not expect that, so cannot imagine how you must feel My first response is to suggest you cut his balls off. With a spoon. But, unfortunately, that is neither legal nor truly to be recommended.

So instead, I say, very strongly, take no blame here op (that's the next part of the script, when they are well and truly rumbled they inevitably blame you) This "man" is obviously a well seasoned and accomplished liar. Anyone of us could have fallen for this, and no person in what they perceive to be a loving and solid marriage could even begin to imagine this type of shit show. Find yourself a decent therapist, sharpish and put all the focus on you and your dc. He has now made himself an irrelevance not worthy of your consideration and you need to gather as much support around you as you can. This is obviously an enormous body blow, but, you WILL RISE AGAIN. This fucker won't take you down. Sending very unmumsnetty hugs and tons of support. You aren't alone xxx

I can’t see myself being the one to expose that now. It’s unnecessarily cruel and actually irrelevant, because either way the heart of the matter is that he was unfaithful to me even before we were married, until present day

With my sensible hat on you're probably correct in this, but I hope you realise you're much, much better than he deserves and always were

Either way, keeping the worst details to yourself could be useful leverage when it comes to his behaviour around the divorce, because I expect he'll be crapping himself about it all becoming public

Oh yes adult friendfinder. That was the site my now exH was on before we were even married. I'm so so sorry OP. It's utterly shit.

My H on getting caught out on a long past emotional affair said 'you want to hit me dont you' what I wanted to reply was 'no, I want to twist your balls so much that you can't walk for days' I honestly think so many people have little idea of the emotional shit show they cause and long term trust issues . Im not one for saying I hate someone but for at least a few months I genuinely hated him

Personally, I'd hesitate on telling everyone.

I had a bit of a level system - only a very small number know the most, then a few more know some of it, and the rest just get told there was an incident, yes we tried, and no we're not getting back together.

Quite frankly, it's no one's business and you'll get proper twats trying to find out so guard against it, for your kids sake. I never want them to know what happened. Does it protect him a bit? Yes, but the trade off is protecting your kids.

Check out The Laurel Centre by Paula Hall, they don't assume you'll stay so its not that unless you want that, but they recognise the very specific support you need right now. There are a couple of books too.

I hope he dies painfully in a grease fire.

Fair.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Take your time to process what you know. You can share whatever you like and whatever you think will help you to heal, just remember that when it's out there it's out there so it's worth thinking about the long term effects (if any) and about your kids.

Stay strong, I hope you have good support in RL ❤

im a lot more naive than other MN because I definitely didn’t see this coming. It’s just outrageous and disgusting. This is actually every married woman’s worst nightmare and the fact of the matter is that it’s impossible to know or read that this is going to happen. Everyone says and thinks their husband wouldn’t but this goes to show that that’s not true! Everyone here supports you x

And pretty much every response from me going forward would be "you've shown yourself to be an accomplished liar, why would I believe that?"

Anyone have any good tips of telling kids in an age appropriate manner what’s going on?

I have suggested a ‘script’ to Donny Dickhead of the Double-Life, and he has shot it down. Basically I had suggested saying, mum and dad love you both but can’t live together and be married anymore. ‘Why’ - because being married means only loving your wife or husband and not ever picking somebody else to love, or wanting to pick somebody else to love. At first daddy was happy with that, but then he changed his mind. It’s ok to change your mind, even about big things, like being married. But it does mean that mum and fad need to stop being married and stop living in the same house. You’ll live here with mum, and you’ll see dad and speak to dad whenever you want’

his response- I’m not telling them that. I haven’t changed my mind. I want to fix things and I don’t want them to hate me. Selfish FUUUUUUUUUCK.

am very much open to better suggestions though, as you all know I’m winging it wildly here!!

I'd just say mommy and daddy aren't happy together anymore and it'd be better for everyone if the children have two happy homes instead if one unhappy home

What an utter manchild! He’s delusional!!! How could he possibly think it was on the table?

I don’t know, they are going to hear things from third parties from their friends or over hear things. I think you need to saying something along the lines that daddy did a bad thing to mummy we not longer love or want to live with each other but we both love you and you will live with mummy and see daddy whenever you want.

I really really feel for you, I cannot believe he has led such a double life all this time.

I would make sure you get yourself an thorough STI check at a clinic asap. Hooking up with numerous gay men is very high risk for your health. He may not have used a condom as there’s not the pregnancy risk but one would like to hope he did!

Also, with his past history I imagine something physical has happened with that OW at the ‘club’. I would tell him that he needs to tell her to get an STI test with his double life a life health risks.

I'm sorry but no to saying daddy did something bad. I think keep it simple. In order for a marriage to work you need a certain type of love, different to the unconditional love we have for you, and we don't feel that way anymore.

Can you delay it at all? We only told the kids things one step behind, so we made a decision, prepped it and only told them when it was happening or happened. Daddy is looking for a new place (he'd already found it) so to reduce uncertainty.

This.

Just read the whole thread
I'm so sorry for what your going through, I can't even begin to imagine. What a bastard to do this throughout your whole relationship!
Your understandably incredibly hurt, but don't make him out to be the bad one, it won't do anyone any good.
I hope your ok

I’m not telling them that. I haven’t changed my mind. I want to fix things and I don’t want them to hate me

I liked your original idea of what to tell the DCs, but it doesn't really matter what he wants any more does it?

Very obviously you're not the sort of woman to use them as a weapon, but his preference of "fixing things" isn't going to happen now, and if they come to hate him that's his lookout

So since they've got to be told something, it's surely better coming from the responsible, non-lying parent

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥

That would be enough for me to end things with my DH. May sound harsh, but after a marriage where my ExH was continually unfaithful, I now have a Zero tolerance approach. When did you last message a guy to say good morning and tell him he was smoking hot? I'm guessing never.

I've got male friends too and we never text each other that sort of thing. One is an ex and we don't do it!