Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

One day when the kids are old enough they will know everything. I've told him to enjoy the time he has with them before the scales fall from their eyes. It will happen but not now when they deserve a happy childhood. I picked him- they didn't.

I second this.

It does get better op

Since your first post, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you and your girls. I am so sorry this is happening, I have no comfort to give. I just wanted to remind you, we are all here. Lean, cry, rant on us. I am in admiration of you and how you conduct yourself. I think you come across as a lovely person, someone I would be friends with.

I wonder if writing would help? Perhaps writing a letter to yourself or even your girls. Even if you choose not to give it to them, it might help writing everything down. It may be a silly idea too - so ignore me. I don’t want to come across as all CAHMs by suggesting a bath and hot drink either! Truth is, it will hurt. All of it. Your in the thick of it right now and it’ll get worse before it gets better. Wishing he was dead, is completely understandable and I’ve heard that so many times before. I’ve also heard it’s usually after this stage that you begin to feel some clarity. It won’t always be like this and with time, pass the curses and hurt, there will be flickers of happiness again.

I am frustrated for you and know you don’t deserve this one bit. I have no comfort to provide besides that there are women from all walks of life standing by you and your girls. And unanimously we have all agreed you are bloody brilliant ❤

Hopefully you managed to get some sleep, either way you've got through your first night without them - well done!

Time to get a to plan together for when they are with him.... Any courses you want to do - cooking/photography? Dance classes? Netball? Try and pin him down to a set schedule so you can sign up to something regular - this is your time, something for you to look forward to, something for just you that he has no idea about and hasn't left marks on it!

How are you doing today OP? Thinking of you x

Hi @poleaxedandsome 👋 did you get in your kids bed? I did that in the early days... snuggled their pillow and cuddled my babies muslins! Now I tidy their rooms and close the doors- closed doors help weirdly.

My ex has the kids tonight. I've worked late and then got a takeaway and bought myself a film on TV. Last time they were at their dads I met a friend and went shopping, had a meal and went to the cinema. Other nights I might leave myself a load of ironing and a few good episodes of something on Netflix. Oh and one night I had a one night stand!!!!!! (That was crazy and very unlike me- like never done ot before!!- but super fun and confidence boosting!). Oh and now I have persuaded my mum to cook for me once a week... so I go there and have a nice meal 🤣

Look... let's not sugar coat it... it's crap. But then the kids get ill or you have a few sleepless nights and you realise that you get a whole night off! A hot uninterrupted bath!! A lie in!!!

You're OK. I promise. Get yourself a notebook... when your thoughts are going crazy in the quiet moments it's so cathartic to just write your thoughts. I'm not someone who would normally think this is useful but it really helped. It's too raw for me to go back and read it yet but I have kept it.

It would seriously anger me if someone violated my trust, cheated (to me what he did is cheating), and then they tried to say they feel worse than i do. He is tryi g to downplay your feelings and trying to make you feel pity for him. Don't. He made his choices. He knew it was wrong and kept doing it. When caught he lied and lied and lied and only let out smidges of truth when he had no choice.
"It was just casual conversation"
"It was just a little flirting"
"It was a little sexual"
"We talked about being intimate on the beach"
"I want to take the kids to meet her"
You know what the next phases are
"It was just a long hug"
"It was just a little kiss"
"We made out some but that was it"
"It was just oral, it wasnt really sex"
"We had sex but it didnt mean anything"

As a child of divorced parents, do NOT stay for the kids. Having divorced parents is a lot better for kids than dealing with parents who are married but clearly despise and resent each other. Show your kids they dont have to accept a partner that hurts them. Show them they dont have compromise their mental health for a partner who does something like this. Show them its ok to walk away from someone who will casually destroy them.

I keep thinking that I must be the most repulsive human ever because I would want to humiliate him and hurt him. When I found out about my ex he was so engrossed in what he was doing, he didn’t hear me walk in. I picked up the phone and rang his mum and said “Oh hi Betty, it’s me. I’m just ringing to let you know that I’ve just walked in on Cameron up to his nuts in Peter and the wedding’s off now. Thanks, Bye.” He answered the phone to his angry mum while I packed my bags full of my stuff ignoring him and Peter completely (shock?) and went back to my parent’s place and cried for days and days. Took me years to trust anyone after that, but at least he never knew that bit!

@franaahnces to be honest I did screenshot everything I found and whatsapped it to his mum. It also.made an appearance on my insta and fb stories 🤣 I'm not sure if you have kids? But for me I.quickly realised I needed to put a lid on a lot of what I felt. It also meant he wsnst getting the reaction he thought he'd get and I liked the thought of leaving him a bit confused. If I didn't have kids though I know I would have smashed up the entire house. I was a second away from it.

@PoleaxedAndSome - I can’t blame you even a bit. I didn’t have kids with him (thank god!) I do now. What’s more, they’re old enough to understand every nuance of all of this. While they are little, I totally understand that they need protecting. My kids are late teens and would resent being kept in the dark. They’d know instinctively the general theme of events if something like this came up.

I need to get through the rest of this thread. But this statement is one of the most true and beautiful things I have ever read. Friends are everything.

OPEN, I don't know quite where you are up to. But I got crapped on from a huge height, left with a toddler and then further crapped on by a lying police constable and was a single pregnant mum. I survived!!!

Not only did I survive, I improved my position in life, my career, got a first class degree. Got married in a fucking chateau in France with fireworks like a Disney Princess.

None of that matters, I could walk out of my life tomorrow and have the strength I need to pick myself up no matter what, because my kids deserve it. One thing that shines through your every post is that you have some balls, pride and you are brave. I also really admire that you will not manipulate your kids or position to belittle him.

My ex deserved to be badmouthed but I never ever did because it was not about me. My Dd is now 16, adores her dad and has a great relationship with him. But she also understands that I am the one who provided for her at all costs.

You are so dignified and you will be a wonderful role model to your children come what may.

And I do not ever do this but you are something else OP. If you want to inbox me, do so. Happy to give you my number and chat and if you are local I will even make you dinner!

Oh shit.

Just read the rest of your posts. You poor love, a fucking bag of lies, no wonder you feel sick.

You really do sound like someone with a good head on your shoulders. You have what it takes to crack on. It won't be without scars.

It seems you have really good real life support. But shit like this is something else, because I get it. When you tell other people why and why you can't go back, then all the doors close because your support network will just say no. And you don't know what you want yet.

You know that you can't go back. But until you are ready to tell the world that, you're in a massive world of the unknown.

Obviously loads of us are on your side and want to help, but if you want to talk about any of this with someone out of your circle, I really do care and will lend an ear xxxx

Are you ok OP?

How you doing @poleaxedandsome ? Hope you're as OK as you can be at the moment.

Thinking of you op - we are still all right behind you x

Oh @PoleaxedAndSome , I’m so sorry to read this. What a difficult situation for you and your children. It’ll be ups and downs but you’ll get through it. Allow yourself to feel and work through it. Thinking of you

@PoleaxedAndSome
keep the info for the kids based on what affects them- they don’t really need reasons just facts. Daddy won’t live her he will live there (wherever) and you will see him then and then. As they grow older you can link the marriage to friendships and how friends don’t hurt friends or else you shouldn’t be friends any more. Then begin to tell some degree of the truth- but bearing in mind he deserves some privacy from his children and not all the info is ever necessary for them to know- perhaps that he was unfaithful over the years? But not more detail.
Find an interest or treat for you to look forward to on your time off from the kids. rediscover your passions or find a new one. Watch box sets for now and be kind to yourself. i found a kind of freedom from the realisation that my life with my ex was something of a lie- hurt like hell at first but then made it easier to just walk away as it was all fake. And my children are now adults- they know the truth and we are super close… although they see their dad they don’t have that respect for him as he hasn’t earned it.

You will be happy- happier than ever before. Your kids will be fine- happy and healthy and loved.

Thinking of you @PoleaxedAndSome, hope you’re getting by somehow..

Thank you to everyone who has checked back and especially to those who have sent me messages because I’ve been quiet for a bit. I will reply, I really truly appreciate it, it’s just a lot right now.

This week has been mostly about financial details and denial. On the one hand, me trying to work out if I can keep my house and buy him out. On the other, him asking if he should give back his booked annual leave for august or if I think we could manage to all still go abroad as planned. I mean… the mind boggles. he’s crazy, right? For sure one of us is.

also trying my best to protect the kids. My dad is… he struggles to mask his emotions about this and so there’s a bit of tension there as he rages on my behalf and I insist on it being kept away from the kids.

on a lighter note- it occurred to me that at some point im going to have to Tinder. Christ have mercy.

It’s good to hear from you @PoleaxedAndSome

Isn’t strange how once you’re out the limbo, you’re facing logistics and you’re left wondering which is the better of the two. All of it is just crap to be honest. But there will be moments perhaps very small moments where you will see the good in people, feel some sense of hope and maybe even manage to laugh again. I know you are doing best by your girls and there is no right way to do it. You just have to do things on your terms, when you’re ready and what you feel is best for you. You’ll learn so much about yourself in this too, you’ll see strength within yourself you never knew you stored. I hope you know we are all behind you too

Also, you have been through enough, don’t go on Tinder 😂

Oh it's so good to see your message!

Talk to a solicitor. I'm still in the house and paying the mortgage but he is on the mortgage. He's signed something so he can't demand I sell it before kids are 18. Declaration of Trust I think it's called. I also get universal credit- only 100 quid pm but helps. 30 free hrs. Also 85% towards any childcare over the 30 hrs or anything for my youngest. It's weirdly manageable. I even save a little bit each month etc.

Oh and I went on Match and have met someone a couple of times. Nothing more than some fun 🙈😉 but the best night ever! Trust me we've been missing out!

Oh my dad and family are the same. They still call him conman or the imposter hahaha I'm only glad my brother wasn't in the UK. I said to family: 'I have not got the strength to deal with my and your emotions- everything you feel I feel it magnified so keep it to yourselves, you end the day with each other to talk to... I end the day on my own with my head spinning... so give me a break please'. This seemed to get through to them.

Oh and tell him to keep the leave, You're cancelling the holiday but he can have the kids for a week. Trust me by then you will value the time to yourself. You'll be running on empty and need a few days to yourself. Maybe a night out with friends?

You're doing amazing! It's already been a couple of weeks! You've got this. You're brilliant.

Thanks for the update @PoleaxedAndSome. Please do not worry about replying to messages or posting on the thread - it’s meant to be a support for you, not a source of stress. Just update us when you can. I’ve been in difficult situations (health and family related) where updating people has felt like a ‘job’ over and above daily life/actual work/DC.. you have so much on your plate just now; the rare moments you get where you’re not busy with things should be spent on whatever feels most soothing/helpful to you, whether that’s posting here, meeting friends, watching TV etc.

I have no words re him asking about joint holidays - unbefuckinglievable! Oh and your dad, bless, no wonder he’s struggling. I hope he can contain himself as you’re so right about protecting the kids.

Sending lots of love and strength your way 💕💪🏻

I'm glad ur doing ok @PoleaxedAndSome
It's going g to be tough but you are very strong. My mum gave me the best advice when I was struggling . She said " this too will pass". Get it's me through some tough times to a better time

Ah OP, I just wanted to say you’re very brave. I also wanted to let you know you've definitely made the right choice. Unfortunately I’m one of the ones who stayed for my children and because I was too much of a coward to leave.

It's honestly not 'better' as our kids KNOW something is wrong, especially now that they’re older. He’s constantly acting normal and sometimes I fall for it and back into our 'happy family' routine. Then I remember what he’s done and break apart all over again because I’m a bloody moron for staying.

But anyway! You’re bloody amazing. Don't forget that!

Take your time, with all of it. I found we couldn't do financial conversations early on as it was too emotionally charged. If you can find a way, and want to, you can delay it until you're ready.

Re Tinder - it was a solid year at least for me, and the first time I went on I said no to everyone until I ran out! It just felt so strange. I'm reading a great book called Available about a 40 something, husband cheated, getting divorced and her finding her sex life again. That's where I'm at, but it's taken a while and I've made a few wrong steps, but importantly, I'm learning from them. It's important to become you again, not wife, not mother. X