Is it ever ‘just texting’

[PoleaxedAndSome]

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

And yes, let your friends and family rage on your behalf.

I just read about someone whose DD had broken up with an abusive gambling addict. When he realised that she was serious about the breakup, he lost it and dangled his new girlfriend (claimed she was a massive upgrade), told the DD she had MH issues, was responsible for HIS MH issues and all the gambling, etc, more verbal abuse…. Then asked if it would be okay if he kept in touch with her dad because he’d always gotten along with him, and wanted to keep him in his life. This idiot was utterly gobsmacked to discover that the DD’s dad wanted nothing more than that man to fuck off out of everyone’s life and stop contacting them. Deluded!!!

Good to hear from you @PoleaxedAndSome . Take your time and do what’s right for you. You might have to tinder, you might meet someone off it. It’ll happen when you’re ready.

Well, this weekend has been a mixed bag. first 24 hours without the kids- surprisingly ok. I went a long run, watched junk on Netflix, went for a lovely dinner with a friend. Handover at the end of the 24 hours was farcical. He asked if he could get a ‘quick cuddle’. When I asked if he was serious he stomped off in a huff and drove away. Not before saying ‘for gods sake what’s the big deal, it’s a huge’

what in the name of the wee man has him thinking I want him touching me- ever again?

also- how incredibly selfish?! It seems like all that matters is what HE needs. What makes HIM feel good. Whether that’s a hug from me or a sext from an ex, it’s all about his desires and screw the feelings of anyone else. Increasingly I feel like I’ve never truly know him.

Ah sorry- went full Scottish in exasperation there. I’m not sure ‘name of the wee man’ translates properly UK wide. It’s a very tame ‘what in the actual fuck’ 😅

I hear you.

And yes, I spent 3 months trying to discuss the mess my ex got us into through the prism of his needs and wants.

what in the name of the wee man

haven't heard this phrase in a while but it did make me smile. Stay strong OP, each time is a small step forward and let him remind you of how selfish he is, it will just further confirm that you have done the right thing.

Was he always like that? (Oblivious to the feelings/needs of others…)

@Fraaahnces hmm, that’s hard to give a straight answer on. I’d say when it came to me, he always seemed extremely aware of my needs and feelings, and to be proactive in trying to make sure I was happy and well. However… Over the years I did always think it was one story for people in his ‘team’ for want of a better word, and totally another for those who weren’t. I’d say that outside of me and the kids he appeared to give very little of a shit about other peoples feelings. He often described other peoples views or reactions as ‘drama’ and would say he ‘had no time for drama’. Which makes the situation he has created even more confusing!! We had a very content little family life on the surface. Minimum drama until these bombshells started dropping.

I would also say, that just in the last couple of years at times I felt and said to him that he was starting to treat me ‘like everyone else’ by which I meant that he couldn’t be bothered with ‘the drama’ if I was upset or annoyed about something/with him.

He’s certainly aware of his own feelings. If someone else for example in his friendship circle let him down or didn’t check on him or make an effort to make plans or whatever he would be cross about it and be more than aware it wasn’t the done thing.

His responses in light of all of this have truly taken me by surprise though- to the point that I’ve repeatedly said to friends and I think even in this thread that I think he’s mentally not quite right. I can’t get my head around so much of how he’s acting. Expecting continued emotional and even to an extent physical comforting. Wondering whether we’ll be able to holiday as a four this summer. Apparently genuinely thinking all that I’ve found out ‘isn’t that bad’ because he never actually physically cheated (says he). Being irked that I’m angry at times about what he’s done. Being surprised to hear that my parents have reacted very angrily to his actions- ‘that’s a bit harsh’. Just…. All bizarre.

I suspect he’s always been very in tune with his own feelings, and meeting your needs suited his purpose at the time… Some men wear a wife and family as a costume. It suits work agendas, personal image, etc. His costume became uncomfortable.

Your last post resonates as I recognise some of that in my ex. He was caught 'camming' and then it all came out - frequency, the nature of what he was doing, when and where he did it, who with.

But I was the one who was being unreasonable, the one making the decision to separate etc. I think it's actually a defense mechanism, it prevents them facing the reality of their actions.

This is a good article if you need help articulating: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202102/so-you-think-you-weren-t-cheating

I also had specialist therapy from the Laurel Centre,as they have specific relevant experience. I honestly think it saved my sanity.

What is camming? (too scared to look it up on Google as the last time lol)

What a man child. He might be in tune with his own feelings and care about things that directly affect him, but it would seem he’s lacking in awareness of and empathy for others and has no real sense of the damage he’s caused in betraying your trust. I wouldn’t bother explaining it to him either. Send him a few links so he can read and understand the impact his behaviour has had. Tell him to go to counselling if he wants to “understand”. Let him learn the hard way.

Just don't do anything. Keep conversations about the kids. Give no reaction to anything he says or does. Just ignore ignore ignore. Or divert.. 'Kids daddy wants a quick hug before he goes'.

When my ex moved all our stuff to his new place the movers came and he was acting completely normal around them. These two young men who were (at his request) moving all my possessions out. So when ex was out of ear shot I told them the whole sorry tale 😭 they weren't so matey with him after that haha I refuse to hide what he got up to.

I'll save you from having to!

It's basically wanking to an audience - so that might be one on one with someone (and to be honest, I'm fine with the concept in relationships or if you're in that kind of space where you're single etc - but not as the unwitting partner, and so prolific you choose it over them) or it might be to an actual audience (like Only Fans style).

It seems like all that matters is what HE needs. What makes HIM feel good

Yes, it will be - and on the subject of whose feelings he prioritises, I believe that in time you'll recall other occasions where his attitude was "a bit off", and that these will add up to a very different picture to what you'd always assumed

But not yet because in these early days it's all a bit of a blur, which also explains him trying to gaslight you into "a hug" or whatever, in an attempt to get you back into your box so he can pretend it's all no big deal and keep his reputation intact

I’m feeling so flat tonight. I’ve spent hours today trying to make progress with car insurance, life insurance, mortgages. My head is a scrambled mess. And one of the things that is adding to the scramble is a couple of messages he sent me earlier. He wants the kids for a week in school summer holidays. I said it was probably fair enough, mentioned briefly that I might even try to get a wee short city break. (I used to absolutely love solo travel, before we met). He replied ‘great idea. You’ve got to do what makes you happy’

What… where does one begin with this. First thought- Like he’s done whatever he likes to make himself happy over the years? Immediately followed by - I was happy with the life I bloody had. It’s off the table now thanks to you, I’ve no damn choice but to try and find happiness, it’s that or lie down to it and be miserable all my days! And finally- how can he be so flippant about all this? ‘Good for you’ as though he hasn’t fucked us all over for a bit of fun?!

I’d like the emotional rollercoaster to stop so I can get off, please.

Does a part of you want to make it work or are you clear in you’re mind that its over?

@Irishshamrock it’s over. I rate honesty and loyalty over most if not all other qualities. Professionally; in friendships; and absolutely
in romantic relationships. I wish to god I hadn’t found any of this out, in a way. But
since I have, I can’t change the fact that it’s altered the way I see him forever. Maybe he would never cheat again, maybe he’s telling the truth and he never ACTUALLY physically cheated with anyone any of the times I’ve uncovered. But I’ll always know that he isn’t an honest person- that I bared my absolute heart and soul with him for 12 years and thought he had done the same, but I’m fact I knew him very little. And likewise, if I’m to be married, I need it to be with someone that if push came to shove would stand back to back with me and fight our way out of any attack we were under. NOT someone that I need to keep an eye on lest they bury the knife in MY bloody back instead.

its not even about being able to trust him not to cheat again for me. It’s that he’s not ‘my person’ any more. He chose to opt out of the team. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Ah, I’m not sure I’m making sense tonight. I feel drunk and all I’ve had is a herbal tea! I should try and get some sleep.

Really sorry to hear what you're going through OP. It does get better/easier but it takes time and you have to be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're doing brilliantly in very difficult circumstances.

It's actually not uncommon for closeted gay men in relationships with women to have affairs with other women. It can be a way of persuading themselves they're not gay and the reason they cheat is because there's an issue with their female partner and nothing to with they themselves. Regardless of whether they're gay or bi, there can be an additional layer of shock and confusion to discovering that your partner is same-sex attracted if you didn't already know.

If you (or anyone else) would like support with that side of things, Straight Partners Anonymous can help.

Oh it's so shit. But I say this not to be harsh... stop telling him things. Not about a holiday you fancy, or that your parents hate him etc. Just stick to arrangements for the kids. At this early stage it will keep you sane. You need to treat him how a doctor would a patient or a social worker a client. Be polite but brief. Fair but not chatty or 'nice'. His only role is to be a dad at the moment.

My experience and this may end up yours too... is that I've been disappointed continuously. The person I knew doesn't actually exist and I'm left negotiating with a stranger about such important things. But this stranger doesn't care about me. He's loves his kids and that's about it. And I have to keep that in mind as it's so easy to fall into conversation or even laugh at a joke.. its all so weird.

It's OK to feel flat. It's bloody exhausting isn't it. But another day is done.

I suspect he conned you from the outset also. Other people shouldn’t exist to prove something to yourself or other people. He sounds like he has been resentful about having to hide his “true self” (must be exhausting) and was taking it out on you and your kids anyway. He never was “Your Person…”. That was part of the con. He pretended to be the person you could confide it, who would be there, who would be trustWORTHY. He wasn’t. He’s always had a huge secret and he’s always snuck around behind your back to nurture this.

He's an imposter, who has hidden behind you and the family for years, a coward who used you in the worst way possible.

Your last post made perfect sense and is the reaction of a completelty normal, rational person you have made your decision.

As for him trying to converse with you, as though you are a stone with no feelings like him, he's got some cheek hasn't he ? completely void of emotions and empathy, a total narc.

Why would you talk with him, it would be like trying to converse with a turd you've just stepped in, scrape him off your shoe and discard, he deseves no more of your hand wringing.

As for him trying to converse with you, as though you are a stone with no feelings like him, he's got some cheek hasn't he ? completely void of emotions and empathy, a total narc.
This.
His 'good for yous' and 'can I have a hug?' are all attempts for him to normalise things, so his behaviour doesn't seem so bad. He really thinks it's no big deal.
Stay angry OP (it's empowering) and don't engage other than on a practical level about childcare etc.
Thinking of you.