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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ‘just texting’

515 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/04/2022 15:56

Didn’t ever think I would find myself in this position but here we are. Completely accidentally caught sight of my husbands mobile sitting on the table today. Caught my eye because it was lit and I could see the 🔥 emoji which is unlike his style of texting.

Texts from a girls insta account, couldn’t see her contribution from my super quick glance but he had sent her ‘morning you’ and ‘you look 🔥’

Like an idiot (I now realise) I was so shocked I picked it up and turned to him and said ‘what is this????’

He took the phone and immediately deleted the conversation.

He has burst to texting her for around 2/3 weeks, admits that he knew it wasn’t right and that it was in places flirty. (They know each other - sort of- through a hobby so they have apparently also been chatting about that and it’s what the initial contact was about).

Now to me this is obviously a betrayal, regardless of whether I’m getting the full story. To me, you don’t flirty text another person behind your spouses back. Full stop. Haven’t decided what to do about that.

But- is there any way he can be serious about it just having been texts and nothing further intended? He seems to think it was stupid, it made him feel good to have a fun connection, he would never ever have risked our life by acting on it.

I think if anyone else told me they believed that I’d reckon they buttoned up the back.

YABU- clearly there’s more or at least he was open to more

YANBU- sometimes - even if it’s wrong- a wee flirty boost is really all that happens or is desired.

OP posts:
leopardprintlindt · 26/04/2022 17:20

PoleaxedAndSome · 26/04/2022 16:18

Anyone have any good tips of telling kids in an age appropriate manner what’s going on?

I have suggested a ‘script’ to Donny Dickhead of the Double-Life, and he has shot it down. Basically I had suggested saying, mum and dad love you both but can’t live together and be married anymore. ‘Why’ - because being married means only loving your wife or husband and not ever picking somebody else to love, or wanting to pick somebody else to love. At first daddy was happy with that, but then he changed his mind. It’s ok to change your mind, even about big things, like being married. But it does mean that mum and fad need to stop being married and stop living in the same house. You’ll live here with mum, and you’ll see dad and speak to dad whenever you want’

his response- I’m not telling them that. I haven’t changed my mind. I want to fix things and I don’t want them to hate me. Selfish FUUUUUUUUUCK.

am very much open to better suggestions though, as you all know I’m winging it wildly here!!

God it's so bloody hard isn't it. I'm not sure it's necessary to apportion blame on day one. That will eventually come out in the coming weeks, but I think initially it's just about getting them used to the concept of their parents living separately. Oh, and fuck what he thinks about what you tell them, this was not your choice and he's done this to you all.

BowerOfBramble · 26/04/2022 17:26

I think as tough as it is, I wouldn't want to tell the kids that it's daddy's decisions/actions that have led to this. NOT because he deserves to be off the hook of course, but because they're teeny tiny and this may shape their view of him/you/men forever. It may come across as "daddy doesn't want/love you any more" etc. Don't want to give them daddy issues in the future.

If they ask later on when they're older you can be clearer about how it panned out but they're babies now really.

I'm SO sorry you've had to go through this, he's a twat of the highest order. I can't believe he was able to keep this double life secret from you for so long. Do you know how he found the time/space to do this?

Femalewoman · 26/04/2022 17:57

He has probably admitted a tiny bit of what happened or told you what he wanted to happen with this OW.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2022 18:28

He still doesn't understand that he no longer gets a choice in the matter, he doesn't get to say he wants to stay, that's off the table. Sadly, he's back to the Script- deny, deny, deny, and the bits he'll admit will all be a pale shadow of what he really did.
It's amazing to me how these men think if they just keep saying No, I didn't do that, that women will just believe them- you've seen the proof in black and white.
I'd tell the DC that you and Daddy don't love each other anymore but you'll always love them and although things will be different in future, they will always have you both, even though Daddy will live somewhere else

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2022 18:30

@Daleksatemyshed That's exactly what the OP needs to say.

Giraffesandbottom · 26/04/2022 18:31

I wouldn’t say anything beyond not being happy and being happier alone etc. the risk you run if you say things like “we don’t love each other” is that your husband who is the sort of cunt who will tell them he loves you and you are driving this etc etc. I had the same with my parents. They will get the full story when they are older and understand.

Moomeh · 26/04/2022 18:57

BowerOfBramble · 26/04/2022 17:26

I think as tough as it is, I wouldn't want to tell the kids that it's daddy's decisions/actions that have led to this. NOT because he deserves to be off the hook of course, but because they're teeny tiny and this may shape their view of him/you/men forever. It may come across as "daddy doesn't want/love you any more" etc. Don't want to give them daddy issues in the future.

If they ask later on when they're older you can be clearer about how it panned out but they're babies now really.

I'm SO sorry you've had to go through this, he's a twat of the highest order. I can't believe he was able to keep this double life secret from you for so long. Do you know how he found the time/space to do this?

I really agree with this... my mum really brought us up fearing all men as abusers because of how awful my dad was, and it's definitely affected my sister's relationships with men. I don't blame my mum of course because he was awful. But your kids are under 7 I think you said, they're way too young to understand any kind of story.

I'd just go with " sometimes mummies and daddies live separately because it's better for everyone, you know, like XYZ" - Insert family they know who have separated parents

Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2022 19:03

@Crikeyalmighty what I'd REALLY like the Op to say is "Daddy is a twat of the first water who thinks Mummy is stupid, but Mummy is actually very clever and has lots of e mails to prove it" but that would be a very unkind thing to do to her DC, so I'm sure she would never do it.

I'm so angry for you Op, some men can be so blind and nasty when there's a chance of a sexual cheap thrill. I know everything is so hard for you now but you will rise again, there will be a better life for you just over the horizon

caringcarer · 26/04/2022 19:15

When I found my exh texting someone else I demanded to read all messages, and she had sent photos. I considered it a betrayal and divorced him. He pleaded and cried but I kept thinking of the text and I could mo longer trust him. My 2 older children understood because I told them why I was divorcing. My youngest child wanted me to give him another chance, bit I just couldn't. I could not have sex with him again after the text. I have not regretted leaving but it took a while to get back on my feet emotionally. It just devastated me.

caringcarer · 26/04/2022 19:19

Just to add I have my kids every Xmas day. Ex sees them Boxing day. Older children know what he did and refuse to go to him on Xmas day.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2022 19:32

@Daleksatemyshed Yep I agree! And I'm pretty sure what OP will say and what she would like to are 2 separate things because she has class - I so feel for the OP, it's such a devastating thing when you find your H (or wife) is not remotely what you thought and has the morals of an alley cat.

LJAKS · 26/04/2022 19:42

When they are old enough to understand the specifics then you tell them the absolute, unedited truth. While they’re little a simple “mummy and dad won’t be living together any more” just has to do. “It’s what’s best for us all” all the why’s have to really go unanswered to an extent at this point because they can’t understand the complexities of it. I quite liked your wording tbf and think it’s absolutely fine and justified and age appropriate but there’s the chance of him telling them he doesn’t want it and undermining you.

Soupercat · 26/04/2022 20:00

Femalewoman · 26/04/2022 17:57

He has probably admitted a tiny bit of what happened or told you what he wanted to happen with this OW.

Read the thread.

Soupercat · 26/04/2022 20:00

LJAKS · 26/04/2022 19:42

When they are old enough to understand the specifics then you tell them the absolute, unedited truth. While they’re little a simple “mummy and dad won’t be living together any more” just has to do. “It’s what’s best for us all” all the why’s have to really go unanswered to an extent at this point because they can’t understand the complexities of it. I quite liked your wording tbf and think it’s absolutely fine and justified and age appropriate but there’s the chance of him telling them he doesn’t want it and undermining you.

Agree. All they need to know is it’s not working. Then treat it as a job share, just the most important job ever.

Cactuslove · 26/04/2022 20:25

@poleaxedandsome me again!!! The victim of the imposter 🤣 have to laugh or you cry right?!

So at first I didn't tell my 3 yr old and we would both just be 'working' whilst the other had their contact time. Especially as ex was coming back to family home and I would go to my parents when he was having time with the kids. Then as he had his own place we got them excited for a new bedroom. I desperately didn't want them to be hit with any.of the sadness I felt. It's the hardest things I've ever done. But they were excited to have two bedrooms etc and from there they have accepted it as well as can be expected.

I have kept the focus on the kids the entire time. Any verbal communicaiton or agreements I have summarised and emailed to him. Trust do this from now. Even if decisions seem amicable. Everything through email not just WhatsApp etc. 8 months later and I'm very very glad I did this.

One day when the kids are old enough they will know everything. I've told him to enjoy the time he has with them before the scales fall from their eyes. It will happen but not now when they deserve a happy childhood. I picked him- they didn't.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 26/04/2022 20:26

Cactuslove · 26/04/2022 20:25

@poleaxedandsome me again!!! The victim of the imposter 🤣 have to laugh or you cry right?!

So at first I didn't tell my 3 yr old and we would both just be 'working' whilst the other had their contact time. Especially as ex was coming back to family home and I would go to my parents when he was having time with the kids. Then as he had his own place we got them excited for a new bedroom. I desperately didn't want them to be hit with any.of the sadness I felt. It's the hardest things I've ever done. But they were excited to have two bedrooms etc and from there they have accepted it as well as can be expected.

I have kept the focus on the kids the entire time. Any verbal communicaiton or agreements I have summarised and emailed to him. Trust do this from now. Even if decisions seem amicable. Everything through email not just WhatsApp etc. 8 months later and I'm very very glad I did this.

One day when the kids are old enough they will know everything. I've told him to enjoy the time he has with them before the scales fall from their eyes. It will happen but not now when they deserve a happy childhood. I picked him- they didn't.

This is really good sensible advice x

Chilesstanton · 26/04/2022 21:13

Cactuslove · 26/04/2022 20:25

@poleaxedandsome me again!!! The victim of the imposter 🤣 have to laugh or you cry right?!

So at first I didn't tell my 3 yr old and we would both just be 'working' whilst the other had their contact time. Especially as ex was coming back to family home and I would go to my parents when he was having time with the kids. Then as he had his own place we got them excited for a new bedroom. I desperately didn't want them to be hit with any.of the sadness I felt. It's the hardest things I've ever done. But they were excited to have two bedrooms etc and from there they have accepted it as well as can be expected.

I have kept the focus on the kids the entire time. Any verbal communicaiton or agreements I have summarised and emailed to him. Trust do this from now. Even if decisions seem amicable. Everything through email not just WhatsApp etc. 8 months later and I'm very very glad I did this.

One day when the kids are old enough they will know everything. I've told him to enjoy the time he has with them before the scales fall from their eyes. It will happen but not now when they deserve a happy childhood. I picked him- they didn't.

This is excellent advice

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 26/04/2022 21:28

This is on a par with the long running threads by @Sazdun with an appalling husband. Where do these creatures come from? The Black Lagoon?

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 27/04/2022 22:55

@Cactuslove any tips on how to survive the night when they are at their dads? I’ve cleaned, spoken to friends, batch cooked
for the week, watched Netflix…. I feel like my heart is in a million jagged pieces and they are all trying to push their broken way out of my body simultaneously. It would honestly be easier if he had died. At least then I would be devastated but secure in my memory of him and our relationship, and with full time custody of my kids. This is pain like I have never experienced.

OP posts:
Moomeh · 27/04/2022 23:08

PoleaxedAndSome · 27/04/2022 22:55

@Cactuslove any tips on how to survive the night when they are at their dads? I’ve cleaned, spoken to friends, batch cooked
for the week, watched Netflix…. I feel like my heart is in a million jagged pieces and they are all trying to push their broken way out of my body simultaneously. It would honestly be easier if he had died. At least then I would be devastated but secure in my memory of him and our relationship, and with full time custody of my kids. This is pain like I have never experienced.

I'm so sorry... hopefully cactuslove and others will be along soon with something helpful as I have nothing (except sympathy)... I have been thinking about you and your daughters a lot. So they are with him now? Where are they, he's rented somewhere? It's very good of you to give him access.

All that cleaning and batch cooking will mean you can give the girls all your attention when you've got them back (as all your chores will be done) - I know, pretty crap attempt at cheering you up, sorry!

biskeyhowe33 · 27/04/2022 23:09

Oh you poor thing. My heart is honestly aching for you. I keep thinking about you and wondering how you are. I would HATE to have to be apart from them- I feel so awful for you. It's so unfair. You must miss him and your old life so dreadfully and feel so mixed up about it all. It's no consolation right now, but it's a good thing that you know all this now, before you have wasted any more of your precious life on someone so undeserving. You come across like such a lovely person- you so deserve the future you are going to have- with people who deserve your love and trust. I know things must be just so painful today, but it won't always be so horrendously hard- you will get through this. Keep talking to us- you are not alone xxx

Moomeh · 27/04/2022 23:12

One thing I do when I miss my dd if we're apart (never in comparable circumstances, I'm so so sorry) is go on amazon and fill my wish list with toys she would like. I don't actually buy them all obvs but I imagine her playing with them all and then maybe just order one. Could you get something for next day delivery as a treat for them when they're back? Seems stupid but that cheers me up

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 27/04/2022 23:12

Thank you both. This is a bad night. I know it won’t always be like this.

He is at his mums, the girls are there overnight tonight and Friday as he is working all weekend (unavoidable).

OP posts:
DancinOnTheCeiling · 27/04/2022 23:15

Oh OP I’m so so sorry. I felt physically sick when I read your update, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.

It feels so unfair that you can’t see your girls every day now, that would break my heart too. I can only echo what everyone is has said, you sound amazing. I am sending all my love and hope you get through the night..

Moomeh · 27/04/2022 23:16

You're an angel for giving him access. Hopefully the guilt makes him extra nicer than usual to the dds.

I hope you manage to get some sleep and when you wake up you'll be seeing them that much sooner xxx