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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??

161 replies

Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 22:36

Hi all, so after setting my mind in a spin over the last couple of weeks I have decided to see what everyone thinks - AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??
I have being with my OH for nearly 20 years and my MIL has never liked me - not because I am a horrible person or anything just simply because I fell in love with her son and he fell in love with me. We have 2 children together and are very happy.
For nearly 20 years I have put up with her criticising me about literally everything - really nasty comments about my looks and personality, my parenting and how useless I am. She has called me fat many times and said that I look disgusting and have a horrible personality. When I had my babies she told me I was sexually abusing my children for breastfeeding them and referred to me as ‘Daisy the cow’ when breast feeding. She has recently told my children that I am fat and I shouldn’t eat biscuits (I am a size 10) and that they don’t need me anymore now that they are older (they are aged 9 and 11) Over the last couple of months she has had screaming episodes with myself and my husband - swearing and shouting at us in front of the children for literally no reason and when I have told her to calm down and stop shouting in front of the children she said that she can do what she wants and don’t care if they are upset. These are just a few examples to show how truly awful she is.
A couple of weeks ago I overheard my MIL slagging me off to my husband in the next room saying what a horrible person I am and saying a pack of lies to him. I walked in to them and said “what the hell? Why are you saying such things about me to my husband??!!” She then got up out of her chair, charged at me and tried to thump me numerous times, my husband shielded me with his body and ended up getting punched and scratched by her. I ran upstairs and she chased after me, still trying to punch me - screaming, shouting, swearing and yelling loads of lies about me in front of the children. I walked out with my husband and children and vowed that me and the children would never see her ever again.
I have done everything for this woman for nearly 20 years now - shopping, sorting out her bills, taking her places, taking her to appointments, even massaging her feet and I always vowed that I would care for her in her old age as she is terrified of going into a nursing home or such like. I have no idea why she hates me so much when I have done so much for her - my only crime is falling in love with her Son.
My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children but I think she is a danger to herself and other people and I don’t want myself or the children anywhere near her - AIBU??
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Unanananana · 15/04/2022 22:38

Like fuck would she be allowed near my children ever again!

Stick to your guns. Your husband should be supporting you too.

QuebecBagnet · 15/04/2022 22:39

Yanbu but you have a dh problem.

Not only should you never see her again but your kids need to be kept away.

Sundancerintherain · 15/04/2022 22:40

Yanbu
Also, your husband is an arse.

Greensleeves · 15/04/2022 22:40

YADNBU never to see this odious piece of trash ever again!

She's crossed every line going, repeatedly. She's devoted considerable time and energy to tearing you down, trying to destroy your confidence, your marriage and your relationship with your children. She's foul-mouthed. She's violent. What more do you need?

I would tell DH that she is out of your life and the children's. If he can't accept it he can go and live with Mummy. Time he grew up and showed a bit of loyalty to the woman he married and the children he brought into the world.

TurquoiseSwirl · 15/04/2022 22:41

NC, nursing home for her.
She would never see me or my children again. Not even if my DH took them. There is nothing normal in anything you have written

StopStartStop · 15/04/2022 22:41

No. She doesn't get to see you or the children. Not just unpleasant, but violent. No.

Kirstos1 · 15/04/2022 22:43

There's no way your husband should have allowed this behaviour for 20 years. No you shouldn't have to entertain her ever again, and I wouldn't have from the point in which she said she can do what she wants and doesn't care if they are upset.

Ikeptgoing · 15/04/2022 22:43

Nor only would I cut contact completely I would report the assault to the police.

What your MIL is doing is domestic abuse (domestic violence) of emotional abuse & physical abuse to both DH and you, and your DCs are witnessing it.

It is a criminal offence as is the physical assault in your DH and you by MIL. Talk to womens aid, please stay away from this woman's abuse and keep your children safe from it. She is damaging your children and you are letting them see her treat all of you like this.

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2022 22:44

Did you call the police? Perhaps adult social services?

How did your children react to her?

Why does your husband feel you should make it up to her when she tried to hit you and hit him? What if she had hit the children? Would he still want you to kiss and make up?

SilverDoe · 15/04/2022 22:44

Are your DH part of a culture where it's expected to look after your elders personally and you feel obligated to do so?

I just can't imagine putting my children in that position so I'm assuming there is a reason it's something you both still consider.

You're definitely doing the right thing by sticking to your limits and boundaries Flowers

SilverDoe · 15/04/2022 22:44

You or your DH*

PermanentTemporary · 15/04/2022 22:47

I would be expecting your dh to be focused on taking her to see her doctor, she sounds as if she is having a psychotic break??

Ask him if he expects you to spend time with anyone else who violently attacks you? Of course you don't have to see her again. The children - more complicated because I'm not sure you can prevent him taking them to see her. But what if she attacks them when she's slagging you off and they defend you?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/04/2022 22:48

Sounds like your husband has been abused by her for his whole life and has been brainwashed to accept that she has the right to assault anybody he wants to.

That, however, doesn't mean you have to allow her to abuse you.

YANBU.

And I wouldn't dismiss reporting her to the police (if any of her punches landed on you) out of hand, either.

Incapacitated · 15/04/2022 22:50

Your DH needs to understand that you aren't safe and it's damaging for the children to witness that - and this is his issue to fix.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 15/04/2022 22:51

I can’t understand why you’ve done anything for someone who bad mouths you and abuses you like this, and for so long. I would have gone NC with her years ago. Stick to your guns and never let her have contact with you or the kids again. Your husband can see her on his own if he wants to, but why he’d want to when his mother behaves like this is another issue.

Nelliephant1 · 15/04/2022 22:52

Is she ill? Although it sounds like she's always been a doozy, it does sound as though things have ramped up somewhat so I wonder if there's something physically or mentally going on that's exacerbating her natural tendencies.

NellesVilla · 15/04/2022 22:52

Just awful, poor you, OP.

Obvs go no contact to protect you and your family…but, has she been assessed by a mental health team or for Alzheimer’s? If not, she may need to be as may need support. But, I completely understand- even if she is assessed as being unwell in some way- why you’d not want to be in touch, sounds bloody scary and you shouldn’t be expected to put up with it.

Unmumsymofo · 15/04/2022 22:54

100% nursing home

TheUsualChaos · 15/04/2022 22:56

I would be adamant that she wouldn't be seeing the children again after that. She's already been saying things to them that they shouldn't have to hear and now they've seen her violence.

Can't believe your DH thinks you should make up with her. Has she even apologised? I'm guessing probably not!

Original poster
Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 22:57

Thank you so far guys! Theunamedcat I didn’t phone them police but I did debate the idea, I decided not to at the end of the day because she is my childrens grandmother and I know they wouldn’t have wanted that. I did plead with my husband to get her mental health assessed and she has now been to see her GP who prescribed anti-depressants for her. The children have been really upset by it all, my daughter never wants to see her again and won’t even let us say her name as she hates her so much now, my Son (who she favours says he might like to see her again at some point) I hate her for what she has put the children through.

OP posts:
HairyMuttttt · 15/04/2022 22:59

Report the incident to the police if you haven’t already.

No she doesn’t get to see the children or you. Her behaviour must not be tolerated.

DaffodilGreen · 15/04/2022 23:00

If you or your DH continue to expose your children the this vile abusive woman then you are worse than her. You’re insane for even considering seeing her. Your poor children.

Longdistance · 15/04/2022 23:00

To fuck would I be apologising to her or in fact giving her an olive branch as it’d whack her over the head with it. She’s a nasty piece of work that needs cutting off and your dh needs to grow some fucking balls.

HairyMuttttt · 15/04/2022 23:01

This needs to be logged to protect yourself and the children long term if further incidents arise.

Original poster
Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 23:02

NeverDropYourMoonCup - you are 100% right about her abusing him his whole life - I have always thought that was the case and whenever I broached it with him he dismissed the idea but now my husband has finally seen it for himself

OP posts: