AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??

[Chasingclouds100]

Hi all, so after setting my mind in a spin over the last couple of weeks I have decided to see what everyone thinks - AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??
I have being with my OH for nearly 20 years and my MIL has never liked me - not because I am a horrible person or anything just simply because I fell in love with her son and he fell in love with me. We have 2 children together and are very happy.
For nearly 20 years I have put up with her criticising me about literally everything - really nasty comments about my looks and personality, my parenting and how useless I am. She has called me fat many times and said that I look disgusting and have a horrible personality. When I had my babies she told me I was sexually abusing my children for breastfeeding them and referred to me as ‘Daisy the cow’ when breast feeding. She has recently told my children that I am fat and I shouldn’t eat biscuits (I am a size 10) and that they don’t need me anymore now that they are older (they are aged 9 and 11) Over the last couple of months she has had screaming episodes with myself and my husband - swearing and shouting at us in front of the children for literally no reason and when I have told her to calm down and stop shouting in front of the children she said that she can do what she wants and don’t care if they are upset. These are just a few examples to show how truly awful she is.
A couple of weeks ago I overheard my MIL slagging me off to my husband in the next room saying what a horrible person I am and saying a pack of lies to him. I walked in to them and said “what the hell? Why are you saying such things about me to my husband??!!” She then got up out of her chair, charged at me and tried to thump me numerous times, my husband shielded me with his body and ended up getting punched and scratched by her. I ran upstairs and she chased after me, still trying to punch me - screaming, shouting, swearing and yelling loads of lies about me in front of the children. I walked out with my husband and children and vowed that me and the children would never see her ever again.
I have done everything for this woman for nearly 20 years now - shopping, sorting out her bills, taking her places, taking her to appointments, even massaging her feet and I always vowed that I would care for her in her old age as she is terrified of going into a nursing home or such like. I have no idea why she hates me so much when I have done so much for her - my only crime is falling in love with her Son.
My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children but I think she is a danger to herself and other people and I don’t want myself or the children anywhere near her - AIBU??
Thank you in advance

Is he fucking kidding?!!!! No, she has burned her bridges and he needs to understand and get on board with that.

I reported my own mother to the police after she tried to throttle me and kicked me in the stomach.
The police paid her a visit and warned her which is what I wanted to happen, because it really put the frighteners up her.
The utter relief of going NC with her was immense, like a physical weight had been lifted off me.

She’s lucky you didn’t get the police involved. You’ve sucked it up for 20 years, enough is enough, this woman is toxic. Be clear to your husband you will never visit her or welcome her to your home. If he wants to take your children to visit her it has to be in a public place where the chances of her berating you are fewer.

billy 1966 - wow! how to try and make someone who is clearly having a rough time feel like a really shitty mother! My children are my everything and I would lay down my own life to protect them in a heartbeat! They have never been exposed to violence - my innocent children have not witnessed violence or aggression for years from their Nan or anybody else - Their Nan has always treated them well and I do believe she loves them - it has only been recently that she has had outbursts and she was never ever violent in front of the children - and when she was violent towards me a couple of weeks ago the children were not witness to it they were upstairs watching tv and oblivious to her outburst until she started shouting at me when she came upstairs. Up until this point the abuse she has thrown at me was never in front of the children - she always made sure of that. She hasn’t visited our house since before the pandemic as it is too far for her to travel too and she will never visit again. She has not been alone with them since the pandemic began either and will never see them again let alone look after them.
How dare you say this - “That you and your husband haven't considered how this toxic environment would effect your children is astonishing” Haven’t considered????!!! With every second of every day that I breathe I consider my children which is exactly why I am never going to see my mother in law ever again and neither are my children - what is really shocking and astonishing is not my parenting but that you feel you have the right to judge me when you don’t even know me - my children are my life!

AndStand - my gosh how terrible for you, I’m sorry you had to endure that from your own mother. I hope you are ok and yes I can totally relate to the weight being lifted from you - this is how I now feel - to not have to see that vile woman again has given me such relief that she is no longer in my life

JenniferPlantain - thank you for your lovely reply

Wtf??? Why have you been doing everything for this violent woman? Why didn't your dh do stuff for his mother?

She sounds insane. I'd never ever see her again.

You have a dh problem. He should be supporting you.

OP,

I suggest you re read your posts.

You have mentioned clearly 20 years of shocking behaviour which your husband has defended.

Appalling behaviour in front of your children including you being assaulted.

You are now minimising it IMO.

Your daughter doesn't want her name mentioned or to see her, and you think she isn't traumatised by what has occurred?

This woman and her appalling behaviour has very clearly been put ahead of your children for years by your husband.

Instead of rewriting history, you should go to your GP, tell them the truth of what your children have witnessed and get support for them to help them process what has occurred over many years.

The overwhelming majority of people would have stopped all contact years ago.

Instead your children have listened to her constant sniping, criticism of you, including insulting your appearance.

This was a poisonous, confusing environment for your children, with their father steadfastly defending her.

Being honest with yourself first about what your children have been around for years, is a start to helping them heal.

@Chasingclouds100, you clearly don't like what @billy1966has posted, but step back for a minute and you must admit that she has a point.

You say they haven't witnessed anything, frankly they don't need to have seen it with their own eyes to be aware of what is going on. This has been going on for 20 years, there will have been atmospheres they will have picked up on, fragments of overheard conversations - nothing sharpens a child's hearing quite so much as an adult conversation being shushed or stopped as they walk into the room.

"my daughter never wants to see her again and won’t even let us say her name as she hates her so much now" - that certainly suggest your daughter is reacting to more than this one incident. If it had truly come out of the blue to your daughter, wouldn't she have been asking what was wrong with granny and why did she behave so strangely? I'd suggest that your daughter didn't see granny's behaviour as strange compared to her normal behaviour.

Children are like little sponges for emotional atmospheres, they know something's going on even whe n they don't know what or why.

OP @billy1966 is right. You may not like it. But she is.

Op, for you dc’s sake, please don’t let that woman near your family. I endured some awful behaviour from my alcoholic mother and your post brought those awful memories back. I know how it feels to witness that behaviour as a child and it’s very damaging.

@billy1966

All this tolerance for a woman for 20 years and your children in the midst of a hugely abusive and toxic environment.

Unbelievable that it takes you being assaulted to finally step away and not what your innocent children have witnessed for years.

In all of this it is your poor children that are the real victims.

They sound quite traumatised.

You are an adult and have had choices over the past 20 years.

Your children haven't had any choice.

That you and your husband haven't considered how this toxic environment would effect your children is astonishing.

I would go to your GP and ask for advice.
Your children have witnessed a terrible scene of violence and may well need help.

You do realise that what you have written is really shocking and must have been truly terrifying for your children?

Quite some victim-blaming going on there, @billy1966

Do you enjoy making people feel even more shit than they do already?

This is unbelievable behaviour. I would have cut this years ago but now is certainly the time. You have to be cruel to be kind and clearly this woman is used to dominating and getting her own way in all circumstances. It is time to make a stand and to make it serious it needs to be really longterm. Do not. Go back.

Ps. Does she have early onset dementia?

chisanunian - thank you, if I could hug you I would - the comments from @billy 1966 have indeed made me feel even more shit and have made me question my credibility as a human being and a Mum - which of course I know is completely untrue! I really didn’t need those harsh words on top of everything else and the tears caused by a complete stranger are not the sort of tears that I needed - what happened to being kind?? Thank you for stopping by to comment, it meant more than you will ever know xx

Ignore the people who are kneejerk in blaming your husband - though he should surely stop pressuring you to make up - if he wishes to continue being a dutiful son that's up to him. It takes time for people to understand systematic abuse if they've been domineered all their life. It's clear you've also obviously tried the loving and dutiful and tolerant approach to this woman which you should be commended for. Not just throwing her on the scrap heap because she has problems (hideous as they may be). I admire that previous effort but time for self-preservation and to let your children know abuse shouldn't be tolerated. Don't let it bother you any further. It's done and she should be only your husband's responsibility from now. I hope you have no lasting issues from the abuse you received.

billy 1966 - and I suggest that you re-read my posts! You have absolutely no idea what my family life is, the type of person that I am and the relationship that I have with my children who by the way are amazing! Yes I have endured nearly 20 years of venom from this woman but I’m a grown woman and I can handle her venom, pre children it was always a delicate situation and I was not inclined to make my partner choose between myself and his mother - he does defend me constantly when she plays up and I understand that apart from him she doesn’t have anyone and so he needs to look out for her - no I don’t like it and no I dont agree with it. He now actually hates her but at the end of the day she is still his mom and he feels obliged to take care of her. When the children came along I saw her even less as I just didn’t want to see her but I can reassure you that up until recently the children have never witnessed her venom - my children have not witnessed such scenes for years and years as you keep saying!!!!!! she was always so careful not to say things around them and I was always on full alert watching and listening to everything she ever said. Re-writing history - WTAF???!!!! And why would I minimise my post??? My husband has never, ever put his mother or anybody else for that matter before his children - he is an amazing Dad. Sounds like you hate men though. Myself and my husband are really full-on parents and don’t rely on anybody else to take care of our children and manage childcare between us so it has never been the case where my children have ever spent any length of time with her - especially over the last few years as we live quite a distance from her. My daughter is upset yes as it has been a shock to her to see her Nan behave in this way as she has always been good around the children but she is not traumatised and you have no right to diagnose her state of mind - adults fight, and she has never known raised voices in our family before so of course she is upset! Oh and talking of trauma I do know how to deal with it as I have been a qualified counsellor for 25 years so not only do I know my children better than anyone else - especially a complete stranger but I do know a thing or two on how to handle such issues. I wrote my post as an AIBU about cutting ties with my mother in law - I didn’t need advice on how to look after my children - I am an amazing Mum and if you knew me you would know that everything I do is for my children and they have all the love and care in the world so therefore I would kindly suggest that you go and concentrate on your own life and leave me alone 😡

apricotlane - thank you so much for your reply, your kindness has really helped. My husband is in a really difficult position and as much as I have wanted to say in the past it’s me or your mother I couldnt do that and I wouldn’t like to choose if I was in his shoes. Obviously now we have the children they come first (and me too) He feels so negatively towards her now and is realising that she has been controlling him for nearly 50 years. I know people who have replied to my post don’t seem to understand why I have cared for her when she has been so horrible to me but I have done it because she is my husbands mom, my childrens grandmother, because my own Mum died when I was a teenager and I miss a mother figure in my life, because she has only us, because my job involves caring for people, because I am just a decent, kind, caring person - you seem to understand my reasons so thank you! Obviously I won’t be doing any of that stuff now. I am ok thank you, to be honest I’m just so relieved that she is out of my life and I dont have to speak to her again, I really feel quite free!

Gilmorehill - I’m so sorry that my post brought back horrible memories for you, I hope you are ok and I’m sorry that you had to go through something so distressing as a child. I promise you that my vile mother in law won’t be coming anywhere near me and my children ever again xx

@Chasingclouds100 There is is real modern-day response to horrendous family members which is largely to advocate withdrawing and blocking and rejecting. Many people are abusive and ugly in their behaviour but it is a big thing to cut off a vulnerable person no matter how unpleasant they may be. Giving people chances is the Christian thing to do but I would say eventually not at your own expense. I'm sorry you didn't find that maternal love from her - it's very sad. It may be that she is genuinely imbalanced in some way. Her behaviour sounds particularly extreme. Peace to you and your family.

apricotlane - thank you for getting me xx

Awful and upsetting though the situation is, you need to consider what will happen when the DC tell someone about it.

Do NOT tell them to keep it quiet, obviously. It will have upset them, they may well want to tell people. Those people may well have safeguarding concerns.
You need to prove that you have considered measures to safeguard your DC, over and above just saying that you won't see her again.

This is really serious.

YANBU we have nothing to do with my mil who is a nightmare & she's nowhere near as bad as that, yours sounds mentally unwell tbh. I'm hopeful that she might get some help or something. Life us too short for all that drama

@Chasingclouds100

Gilmorehill - I’m so sorry that my post brought back horrible memories for you, I hope you are ok and I’m sorry that you had to go through something so distressing as a child. I promise you that my vile mother in law won’t be coming anywhere near me and my children ever again xx

Honestly it’s ok. I had some awful experiences as a child but they really made me understand what children need. You sound like a brilliant parent!

Thank you - that means such a lot! And I’m glad you are ok