AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??

[Chasingclouds100]

Hi all, so after setting my mind in a spin over the last couple of weeks I have decided to see what everyone thinks - AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??
I have being with my OH for nearly 20 years and my MIL has never liked me - not because I am a horrible person or anything just simply because I fell in love with her son and he fell in love with me. We have 2 children together and are very happy.
For nearly 20 years I have put up with her criticising me about literally everything - really nasty comments about my looks and personality, my parenting and how useless I am. She has called me fat many times and said that I look disgusting and have a horrible personality. When I had my babies she told me I was sexually abusing my children for breastfeeding them and referred to me as ‘Daisy the cow’ when breast feeding. She has recently told my children that I am fat and I shouldn’t eat biscuits (I am a size 10) and that they don’t need me anymore now that they are older (they are aged 9 and 11) Over the last couple of months she has had screaming episodes with myself and my husband - swearing and shouting at us in front of the children for literally no reason and when I have told her to calm down and stop shouting in front of the children she said that she can do what she wants and don’t care if they are upset. These are just a few examples to show how truly awful she is.
A couple of weeks ago I overheard my MIL slagging me off to my husband in the next room saying what a horrible person I am and saying a pack of lies to him. I walked in to them and said “what the hell? Why are you saying such things about me to my husband??!!” She then got up out of her chair, charged at me and tried to thump me numerous times, my husband shielded me with his body and ended up getting punched and scratched by her. I ran upstairs and she chased after me, still trying to punch me - screaming, shouting, swearing and yelling loads of lies about me in front of the children. I walked out with my husband and children and vowed that me and the children would never see her ever again.
I have done everything for this woman for nearly 20 years now - shopping, sorting out her bills, taking her places, taking her to appointments, even massaging her feet and I always vowed that I would care for her in her old age as she is terrified of going into a nursing home or such like. I have no idea why she hates me so much when I have done so much for her - my only crime is falling in love with her Son.
My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children but I think she is a danger to herself and other people and I don’t want myself or the children anywhere near her - AIBU??
Thank you in advance

You are NBU now but why the hell have you let it get to this stage? I would have not had anything to do with her after the first insult, let alone skivvying for her and exposing my kids to that crap. If your DH wants to see her, fine, maybe even minimal visits from the kids if they want as they are old enough to decide for themselves, but I wouldn’t be going anywhere near her and she wouldn’t be coming into my house.

This has brought up some insane flash backs.

Your MIL = my grandmother (GM), my dad's mum
You = my mum
Your kids = me/my siblings.

My GM hated my mother for similar reasons - she hated the fact my dad had been "taken away" by my mum. She hated us with passion.
Worse for us was the fact that GM lived with us.
The daily insults and screaming started 7am. We were constantly belittled and insulted.
She called my mum and us (me and my sis) whores on a daily basis. I remember being 9 and she said how we (me and my sister) will turn out the same - coming home at 18 knocked up!
My dad was a mommy's boy and although he was a good dad, he definitely didn't help my mum or us when it came to his mother.
We went through so many lies she told around the village about us, how we steal from her and how my mum starves her. How she's not allowed to sit at the dinner table with us and on. People came asking from us wtf was going on in our house. We told them. The truth. She soon heard it from people and came home from her shopping trip, she normally had a cane that she tried to use on us, but my mum defended us. My mum got hit by her soooo many times. My dad was a wet lettuce. We begged so many times to leave as it was just endless terror. Calling us lazy and we don't do enough- we grew up in a farm and there was always something to do and we were always literally run ragged with all the jobs!!!
Once we were older and able to defend ourselves, my mum got a job (she had been home taking care of farm and us for 10y), my nan went onto shagging her off how she's now got a job to get a new man and WHO IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF THE FARM NOW. Mind blowing crap.
She died when I was 14 - she had a stroke and was gone.
It's been over 25y from it all, but I'm an anxious wreck when it comes to arguments - I get sweating anxiety that turns into me being physically sick.
Do your kids and yourself a favour and tell your husband to grow a pair. Your kids will thank you.
My mum was reliant on my dad, so leaving wasn't an option.
Oh and yes - GM had a favourite- his DIL and Other grandson. Jesus, when they arrived around ours, we all had to walk on egg shells. She bent over backwards for them.
I don't even call her my GM. I just say her name when we mention her. She's nothing to me.

@Chasingclouds100

Thank you so far guys! Theunamedcat I didn’t phone them police but I did debate the idea, I decided not to at the end of the day because she is my childrens grandmother and I know they wouldn’t have wanted that. I did plead with my husband to get her mental health assessed and she has now been to see her GP who prescribed anti-depressants for her. The children have been really upset by it all, my daughter never wants to see her again and won’t even let us say her name as she hates her so much now, my Son (who she favours says he might like to see her again at some point) I hate her for what she has put the children through.

There's your answer. The children don't want contact right now so your dh can visit her alone if he wants to

Sorry about all the typos.

YABU for the fact that you've put up with the demented demon for 20 years! I wouldn't allow my kids to be anywhere near her. Ever. You should report her for assault too.

DH sees her on his own or not at all, that’s his choice. No way do the DC go there and have to listen to her dripping poison about their mother.

Yanbu. She's not safe to be with the children alone.

I'd report via the online system to the police. That way it'll come under safeguarding and they'll be an order for no unsupervised contact. That'll stop your DH being able to override your decision.

But also importantly you need to talk to your dh. Why has he allowed his mother to treat you this way for 20 years?

Both of you should have cut her out the minute she started emotionally abusing you.

Gosh this sounds so awful. She sounds mentally unwell and sounds like it's been this way for a long time if she's also abused your husband his whole life.
I think she needs help. But I would be really reluctant to let her spend time with the children (and of course - never alone with them, ever) because of her violent outbursts and unpredictability.

Regardless of 'why' she's like this, plain old nasty, mh issues or dementia, she's been abusing you and your children! There is no way in hell, that she'd ever see me or my children again.

You don't need toxic people in your life and neither do your children. Your DH can see her even though she assaulted him.

IMO you're right to stay away and not make up with her. She is not going to change.

You're DCs need protecting from her btw, who knows what mental health issue tgey may suffer due to her nastiness esp telling them they don't need at that age. What a monster she is!

Under no circumstances, none, not even her death bed, would have me returning to see this woman.

She is clearly unhinged.
She is a danger to you and your children.

Your husband is so enmeshed in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that he cannot see the wood for the trees. He needs help to see that his mother has been abusive to you for the past 20 years and abusive to her grandchildren as a result (they pick up on things) for as long as they've been allowed to visit her. She hasn't treated the mother of his children with respect. They don't want to see her any more and more power to them. They've seen her for what she is. An abusive parent and abusive grandparent. They have seen or heard her be abusive about their mother (you) and no one has done anything.

Your DH needs to stop calling her, stop visiting her, just stop communicating with her. Completely.

You don't reward bad behaviour in toddlers so she shouldn't be 'rewarded' by him or any of you visiting her any more.

Cut her off. Completely. Totally. Done.

Whatever about your DH perhaps continuing to visit her, does he not see how his children have picked up on how his mother has been treating his wife???

Go completely NC and report her to the police. Honestly I would leave your husband for thinking it is safe to expose your DC to this behaviour. To normalise it to them in some way.

I picked up that she prefers your son, your DHs unquestionable loyality to his mum and you massaging her feet which is something in some cultures the home help does ( paid pennies and along with all the other tasks she seems to set upon you). Also your Dad saying the children should see her ?!! ( Is he mad too?!).Is this behaviour normalised in your culture?

Break the abuse cycle and do not expose your children to anymore ... you need to protect them from being exposed to this emotional abuse as they are too young to protect themselves.

The only things that are unreasonable here are a) that you didn't go NC earlier and b) that your DH is expecting you to forgive this!

Absolutely never see her again. We are NC with fil for much less and honestly, it's such a huge weight off our shoulders and life is much much happier as a result.

Hi all, thank you for all your responses it really is appreciated. There is absolutely no way in the world that I or my children will ever see this woman again - I am absolutely adamant on this and I will not back down, my husband knows this and he will not override my decision. I was curious to what other people thought of the situation. My husband is an only child and there is no other family on his side so everything falls on his shoulders to look after her now she is in her eighties.
No cultural issues involved, it is just in my nature and due to my job that I care for people hence the massaging feet - but no worries I certainly won’t be doing another thing for that woman ever again - the relief of not having her in my life is immense!

Kapsauss - thank you for you reply! I am so sorry that you had to endure such misery from a close family member. Hope you are ok now and sending a virtual hug xx

I would have cut contact long before this assault based on her previous behaviour she's lucky she ever got to meet her grandchildren. Most definitely never speak to or see her again.

She sounds mentally ill, maybe a personality disorder of some kind. Stay away from her and don’t let her anywhere near your children again. Some people, even family, need to be cut out of your life if they are toxic.

She wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near me or my children ever again.

I would point out to your husband that her behaviour is abusive. If the children told someone at school that their dad was chasing their mum round the house, screaming at her and trying to hurt her social services would be called, and quite rightly. Children witnessing domestic violence is a safeguarding concern. Your husband’s mother behaving this way should be treated the same, and probably would be.

You dont deserve this. Get the books by Susan Forward.

She'd have been out of my life approximately the second time she said I was useless or disgusting. If your husband thinks any of this is acceptable he probably needs some mental health support himself.

Please also make it clear to your DH that she will be going to a nursing home if needed and that is non negotiable.

She may well be the deal breaker in your relationship with your husband so I would get some sort of counselling now to resolve any issues and also so they as a neutral party can help him see how bat shit crazy she is and how harmful she is to your family.

Oh my goodness. Report her to the police.

I think no contact is the only appropriate course of action, for both you and the children.

And I would report the attack to the police.

you need to consider what this says to your children if you continue to put yourself up for abuse and disrespect. would you want your daughter attacked by her future mother in law and putting up with it.? obviously no so show her how you deal with these sort of people.

sorry you are going through this she sounds vile and unhinged.

@Chasingclouds100

Hi all, thank you for all your responses it really is appreciated. There is absolutely no way in the world that I or my children will ever see this woman again - I am absolutely adamant on this and I will not back down, my husband knows this and he will not override my decision. I was curious to what other people thought of the situation. My husband is an only child and there is no other family on his side so everything falls on his shoulders to look after her now she is in her eighties. No cultural issues involved, it is just in my nature and due to my job that I care for people hence the massaging feet - but no worries I certainly won’t be doing another thing for that woman ever again - the relief of not having her in my life is immense!

Fair play to you OP, you're absolutely right to stand your ground over this! It doesn't matter what the cause, only that your MIL's behaviour has been very wicked and toxic for a long, long time, and has descended into violence and all this in front of your DC, so you have a duty to them AND yourself to go NC. Our DC must always come first with us no matter what and now your DH needs to understand and act on that too! It does sound as if he is in the F.O.G. and you could talk to him about that, if he'd listen, but whether he does or not, you've made it clear to him she will never get near your DC nor you again and that's as it should be! She is no longer your problem OP. Enjoy the peace with your DC and hopefully your DH will see that ye are so much happier without his M, he'll be having a long, hard word with himself, and maybe seek therapy, or go NC himself as well! If he does, support him all the way! All the best to you OP, you've done the right thing!