Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??

161 replies

Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 22:36

Hi all, so after setting my mind in a spin over the last couple of weeks I have decided to see what everyone thinks - AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??
I have being with my OH for nearly 20 years and my MIL has never liked me - not because I am a horrible person or anything just simply because I fell in love with her son and he fell in love with me. We have 2 children together and are very happy.
For nearly 20 years I have put up with her criticising me about literally everything - really nasty comments about my looks and personality, my parenting and how useless I am. She has called me fat many times and said that I look disgusting and have a horrible personality. When I had my babies she told me I was sexually abusing my children for breastfeeding them and referred to me as ‘Daisy the cow’ when breast feeding. She has recently told my children that I am fat and I shouldn’t eat biscuits (I am a size 10) and that they don’t need me anymore now that they are older (they are aged 9 and 11) Over the last couple of months she has had screaming episodes with myself and my husband - swearing and shouting at us in front of the children for literally no reason and when I have told her to calm down and stop shouting in front of the children she said that she can do what she wants and don’t care if they are upset. These are just a few examples to show how truly awful she is.
A couple of weeks ago I overheard my MIL slagging me off to my husband in the next room saying what a horrible person I am and saying a pack of lies to him. I walked in to them and said “what the hell? Why are you saying such things about me to my husband??!!” She then got up out of her chair, charged at me and tried to thump me numerous times, my husband shielded me with his body and ended up getting punched and scratched by her. I ran upstairs and she chased after me, still trying to punch me - screaming, shouting, swearing and yelling loads of lies about me in front of the children. I walked out with my husband and children and vowed that me and the children would never see her ever again.
I have done everything for this woman for nearly 20 years now - shopping, sorting out her bills, taking her places, taking her to appointments, even massaging her feet and I always vowed that I would care for her in her old age as she is terrified of going into a nursing home or such like. I have no idea why she hates me so much when I have done so much for her - my only crime is falling in love with her Son.
My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children but I think she is a danger to herself and other people and I don’t want myself or the children anywhere near her - AIBU??
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 16/04/2022 01:14

It sounds like she has a personality disorder. Not curable and unlikely to get better.

Your husband needs to educate himself on it.

icanonlydosomuch · 16/04/2022 01:23

I have been no contact with my in-laws for years. Initially my husband tried to get me to visit them, and even arranged for us to go round to visit, but I refused to get in his car!!!!

He has now realised it's for the best and his life is also so much easier as he doesn't have to keep us all happy or feel caught up in between.

He goes to see them but me and the kids don't. They made their bed and they have to lie in it!!!!

Spudina · 16/04/2022 01:45

YANBU. You shouldn’t expose your children to your MIL. And you have a DH problem. If he wants to see his mother, that’s up to him but he goes alone. You reap what you sow. Your cutting off your children from her is a consequence of her actions. She doesn’t behave like a civil human, she gets nothing.
It’s been asked before but not answered but is this a cultural thing? Cos you’re MIL sounds just like my friends DM (who tried to murder her in an honour killing for dating a white man)

WildCoasts · 16/04/2022 01:52

@Chasingclouds100

DafodilGreen - I have absolutely no intention of seeing this woman again or letting her see the children I promise as I really do think she is a danger. I was just wondering what other peoples views were and AIBU as my Dad thinks I should let her see the children (please no judgements on my Dad he is just literally the nicest person on the planet!)
It is not being a nice person to expect your children to be exposed to someone like this, or for you to put up with it. Quite the opposite.

You've put up with a lot more than I would have. If your husband can't see the issues he needs counselling to reset his normal meter.

LagunaBubbles · 16/04/2022 02:03

If you let your children being seen by her then you are exposing them to the risk of emotional harm.

SquirrelG · 16/04/2022 02:31

Stay well away from her, she's toxic. I wouldn't be letting her near my children either, and I don't say that sort of thing lightly. Your DH should be sticking up for you and telling his mother a few home truths, I can't believe he has let this go on for so long. Point out to him that his loyalty should be to you, not his mother.

twoandcooplease · 16/04/2022 03:00

Has she been like this the whole 20 years?
She sounds completely unstable. Like fuck I'd ever be around that abuse again. My children definitely wouldn't be. I would encourage your husband not to bring this up again. No is your final answer end of.

1forAll74 · 16/04/2022 03:03

She sounds very mentally unstable and has a lot of inner problems. So best to keep away from her. Has no one ever told her that her behaviour is nasty, unpredictable, and not normal at all.

Lampzade · 16/04/2022 03:05

Off to the nursing home she would go if she was my mother in law

tcjotm · 16/04/2022 03:09

@Chasingclouds100

Cutebutscary - thank you for your reply - I have thought that she might have some sort of dementia but I really don’t know as she can be so awful to us and then if her sister phones she is all sweetness and light! I have also thought maybe a bi-polar disorder. She has since been to see her gp who has prescribed anti-depressants but I do think that there she needs more help with her mental health. I’m sorry to hear about your Mum’s cousin, that sounds heartbreaking
Being nasty one minute and then sweetness and light the next is nothing like bipolar disorder! Please don’t throw the term around without knowing what it means. It is a very distressing illness.

Totally agree with cutting her off. I’m amazed you put up with her for so long. And nursing home for sure. I never would’ve promised someone so nasty that I’d care for them in their old age. She’s never done anything to deserve such care and support from you.

Lampzade · 16/04/2022 03:17

@sashadasher

I had very similar behaviour from my mil for 10 years,she eventually stomped off in huff after I grew a pair and told her to grow up .5 years later she died and we still hadn't made amends but for me ,I wish I'd gone no contact 10 years sooner. It was hard on my husband at 1st but I said he could visit without me and children, he just wouldn't. She thought she could work her way back in,pulled all types of stunts none worked.The peace was blissfully though.Do it for your sanity now!!!
I had a similar situation. Put up with mil’s terrible behaviour for years . Mother in law attacked dh ( her son) because he defended me . In fact she threw a sharp knife at him This was the final straw for me as I was concerned that because she hated me so much she would harm my kids. I went completely NC . She spent a few months a year in Spain, so it was a bit easier to go NC. Dh would visit her occasionally I cannot tell how much more peaceful life was when I NC

Op, avoid this woman. She is dangerous

SlatsandFlaps · 16/04/2022 03:52

What is she so angry about? It feels like there is an element of this issue that is being kept under wraps

LilQueenie · 16/04/2022 04:11

screw that. Report to police (your childrens wants do not matter here, she has shown violence regardless of their needs) NC immediately and your husband can like it or lump it. Get him therapy if he can't see how ridiculous his opinions about contact are.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/04/2022 04:18

@QuebecBagnet

Yanbu but you have a dh problem.

Not only should you never see her again but your kids need to be kept away.

Yup.

Your husband needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.

You and DH sound like therapy might be beneficial. I wonder why you think its appropriate to run yourself ragged doing favours and "acts of service" for someone who hates you. I wonder why he thinks this insanity is something he should expose you amd your children to and why is persyading you tolerate her abuse?

This woman would not be allowed in my house ever again. Hell would freeze over before my children were exposed to her.

Monty27 · 16/04/2022 04:24

Mil wouldn't get near my dc or me if she behaved like that.
Love your dad but this isn't a nice situation. And DP needs to support you his family first and then his DM.

Thehundredthnamechange · 16/04/2022 05:06

Your husband is 100% the problem here. He has allowed his mother to abuse you and I'd say even encouraged it by refusing to cut ties and making you visit and have a relationship. He is putting your children at risk too of her unhinged behavior.

PinkSyCo · 16/04/2022 05:08

YAU not to have cut ties with this awful woman years ago, and to have put up with your useless husband who just sits there listening to her slagging you off so horribly . I’d tell them both to fuck off.

scryingeyes · 16/04/2022 05:10

OMG! No, you're not BU.
Never see her again. No contact. And if my DH wanted to continue to see her after that attack, I'd be furious.
Absolutely go no contact and don't let kids see her either - very toxic.
If DH wants to see her tell him that under no circumstances is he to carry information to and from your home. Also, tell him that you expect him to walk out if she slags you off.
"DM do not speak of DW like that or this is the last time I visit" kinda thing.
My friend has only recently done the same and her DH was oblivious to the toxicity towards her.
He still visits his mother but they don't talk about it.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/04/2022 05:17

Tell your husband you will be reporting her to the police... And do it...

Also... Please report the situation to social services.

Please don't have this woman anywhere near children... Being exposed to violence /abuse.. Is a child protection concern.

Shes unwell.... But the reasons for an attack don't hurt any less when you have broken bones /knife sticking out of your body.

PS of you've not come across - look up trauma bonding

CJsGoldfish · 16/04/2022 05:18

I hate her for what she has put the children through
You're the one who continuously exposed your children to that behaviour 🤷‍♀️

MarshmallowSwede · 16/04/2022 05:27

Your mother in law sounds like she is insane. Also, she hates you because you “took her son away from her”. There are some mothers of sons who behave like jealous banshees when their son married. It’s her not you.

I would not ever see this woman again, nor would I let my children see her again.

Your husband is completely out of line for even asking you to forgive his violent, bully of a mother.

Jaxinthebox · 16/04/2022 05:31

She has abused you all for 20+ years. Get her out of your lives now.

Keep your children away from her, and your husband (and probably you too) need some counselling.

No way would she be in my or my children's life.

Pipsquiggle · 16/04/2022 06:18

She sounds absolutely awful. There is no way that I would be putting myself oy my DC into danger. I would definitely not be seeing her again.

Just wondering if she is from a certain culture and you are from another one? You talk about her wanting to be looked after in her old age and venerating the males in your family. Could this be the source of the hatred?

I had a friend who married into a different culture, her MIL hated her. Didn't matter what she did. The MIL just saw her as 'stealing' her son. Eventually they went NC. Her DH supported his wife in the end - it took a while for the scales to fall from his eyes.

Your DH needs to support you

CorsicaDreaming · 16/04/2022 06:30

@Chasingclouds100 - her symptoms sounds really like the symptoms my BIL told me about his own mother. She has dementia. It has been utterly awful for him and my SIL for several years as they have (utterly heroically and beyond the patience of saints imo) tried to support her. The mother is now in a home. And physically attacking the staff there. Literally drawing blood and the staff have to look after her in pairs for safety.

It may not be that, but definitely worth trying to get a medical diagnosis. And proper care and support for her. But be prepared you may just have to step right back.

And protect yourself and your children from her. It sounds awful Thanks

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/04/2022 06:53

It doesn't sound like dementia to me, both my nans had it and whilst physical violence is common, it is not a 20 year illness. She's disliked you from day one, she just sounds like a bitch. I'd cut her off completely, if the DH can't support you, off he goes too.