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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??

161 replies

Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 22:36

Hi all, so after setting my mind in a spin over the last couple of weeks I have decided to see what everyone thinks - AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??
I have being with my OH for nearly 20 years and my MIL has never liked me - not because I am a horrible person or anything just simply because I fell in love with her son and he fell in love with me. We have 2 children together and are very happy.
For nearly 20 years I have put up with her criticising me about literally everything - really nasty comments about my looks and personality, my parenting and how useless I am. She has called me fat many times and said that I look disgusting and have a horrible personality. When I had my babies she told me I was sexually abusing my children for breastfeeding them and referred to me as ‘Daisy the cow’ when breast feeding. She has recently told my children that I am fat and I shouldn’t eat biscuits (I am a size 10) and that they don’t need me anymore now that they are older (they are aged 9 and 11) Over the last couple of months she has had screaming episodes with myself and my husband - swearing and shouting at us in front of the children for literally no reason and when I have told her to calm down and stop shouting in front of the children she said that she can do what she wants and don’t care if they are upset. These are just a few examples to show how truly awful she is.
A couple of weeks ago I overheard my MIL slagging me off to my husband in the next room saying what a horrible person I am and saying a pack of lies to him. I walked in to them and said “what the hell? Why are you saying such things about me to my husband??!!” She then got up out of her chair, charged at me and tried to thump me numerous times, my husband shielded me with his body and ended up getting punched and scratched by her. I ran upstairs and she chased after me, still trying to punch me - screaming, shouting, swearing and yelling loads of lies about me in front of the children. I walked out with my husband and children and vowed that me and the children would never see her ever again.
I have done everything for this woman for nearly 20 years now - shopping, sorting out her bills, taking her places, taking her to appointments, even massaging her feet and I always vowed that I would care for her in her old age as she is terrified of going into a nursing home or such like. I have no idea why she hates me so much when I have done so much for her - my only crime is falling in love with her Son.
My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children but I think she is a danger to herself and other people and I don’t want myself or the children anywhere near her - AIBU??
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Chasingclouds100 · 16/04/2022 09:03

2Gen - thank you for your lovely reply!

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 16/04/2022 09:06

You have a DH problem.

Why such behaviour and contact has been allowed to continue for 20 years is beyond me. If I was her son I'd happily dump her in a home in later life.

JenniferPlantain · 16/04/2022 09:10

You sound so lovely OP.

Violence is a hard, uncrossable line. That’s all there is to it. I hope you and your family are able to steer clear of this toxicity.

user1471538283 · 16/04/2022 09:21

No she never sees you or the children again. It sounds like she is escalating and she could start on the children.

Mental ill health of not, she is violent.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 16/04/2022 09:30

Eighties, no other family, you say?

Let the evil old cunt rot in her own nastiness.

She can reap what she's sown and you've put up with her for 20 years, nothing to do with you or yours now and the DC won't benefit from a relationship with a cantankerous, abusive old trout.

SpeedofaSloth · 16/04/2022 09:32

Yeah, I wouldn't be caring for her in old age either, OP. Of course YANBU.

Itsbackagain · 16/04/2022 09:44

My MIL hasn't done half if that and DPand I are both NC.

diddl · 16/04/2022 09:56

Good luck with your husband not overriding your decision!

He already thinks that you should make up with her & the kids used as pawns to keep her sweet-ie deflect from him!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 16/04/2022 10:05

she needs to apologise to you op

Scout2016 · 16/04/2022 10:31

No, you've already exposed your children to more inappropriate adult behaviour than you should have. Cut ties and stick to it.

I say this as someone who was often exposed to horrible grandparents though, so I am biased. But I do resent my parents for it as it shouldn't have been allowed.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2022 10:42

Why did you vow she’d never go onto a home when she’s treated you like shit for 20 years? Weird.

Your dh would be extremely unreasonable to let her see the dc again.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/04/2022 10:56

@diddl

Good luck with your husband not overriding your decision!

He already thinks that you should make up with her & the kids used as pawns to keep her sweet-ie deflect from him!

This.

Honestly go see a therapist. None of this is okay or normal.

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 11:50

All this tolerance for a woman for 20 years and your children in the midst of a hugely abusive and toxic environment.

Unbelievable that it takes you being assaulted to finally step away and not what your innocent children have witnessed for years.

In all of this it is your poor children that are the real victims.

They sound quite traumatised.

You are an adult and have had choices over the past 20 years.

Your children haven't had any choice.

That you and your husband haven't considered how this toxic environment would effect your children is astonishing.

I would go to your GP and ask for advice.
Your children have witnessed a terrible scene of violence and may well need help.

You do realise that what you have written is really shocking and must have been truly terrifying for your children?

Chely · 16/04/2022 11:54

Balls to her! She sounds toxic, you don't owe her anything.

Youdoyoutoday · 16/04/2022 11:56

Nope, never would she see my kids again or me!! Your DH should be backing you on that!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 16/04/2022 12:02

Your husband should've shut this nonsense down 20 years ago! Absolutely don't see her, I would personality prefer him to take your side and not see her either but its up to him. I'd stand strong on the children too, she's made it clear she doesn't care about them and their feelings.
If this was out of character I would be suggesting a docs appt to assess her, but sounds like just escalation that no one has ever stamped on.

Notanotherwindow · 16/04/2022 12:16

It would be a cold day in Hell before she saw my children again. Or me. Though I would have called the police after she attacked me so she would likely have a non molestation order.

I wouldn't ever take them to see her or allow your husband to either. And if she persists trying to see them I would tell her straight that DD doesn't ever want to see her again after the violence she witnessed and DS is still too young to consent to being exposed to anymore toxic behaviour.

Fuck off basically. Grandparents have no legal rights to see their grandchildren so do one. Should have thought about them before she attacked their mother.

When she can no longer live at home, stick her in the cheapest nursing home you can find and leave her there to consider her actions. Don't visit.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 16/04/2022 12:24

@Notanotherwindow

It would be a cold day in Hell before she saw my children again. Or me. Though I would have called the police after she attacked me so she would likely have a non molestation order.

I wouldn't ever take them to see her or allow your husband to either. And if she persists trying to see them I would tell her straight that DD doesn't ever want to see her again after the violence she witnessed and DS is still too young to consent to being exposed to anymore toxic behaviour.

Fuck off basically. Grandparents have no legal rights to see their grandchildren so do one. Should have thought about them before she attacked their mother.

When she can no longer live at home, stick her in the cheapest nursing home you can find and leave her there to consider her actions. Don't visit.

I'd tweak that to "When she can no longer live at home, let her fester in her own filth". She deserves nothing more than that.
whynotwhatknot · 16/04/2022 12:52

Ffs why does everyone come out with it must be dementia-shes been horrible for 20 years tot he op its just nasty abuse

tell your dh to do one she wont be seeing the children unless their adults then its up to them

depression doesnt lead to violence either

BatshitCrazyWoman · 16/04/2022 12:55

That's a big fat nope from me, OP! She assaulted you! Your DH needs to wake up to his mother's behaviour, too.

Brefugee · 16/04/2022 13:13

I would be very clear to my DH that neither me nor my children would ever have anything to do with her again, and that the things you have done for her in the past are now her job.

And if he doesn't want to look after her, she's straight in a nursing home, no looking back. Can you report it to the police now? DV really should be on the record.

JollyWilloughby · 16/04/2022 13:16

YANBU but this is also a husband issue.

If my MIL called me fat or daisy the cow she would be getting told to sod off by my husband. He simply would not allow that behaviour, but yours has?

MostlyOk · 16/04/2022 13:26

Is she mentally ill? At a bare minimum, this sounds like a very serious personality disorder.

JollyWilloughby · 16/04/2022 13:28

@MostlyOk

That is if you believe that having a personality disorder is a mental illness.

If your personality is disordered in my opinion it just makes you

A) Someone who has experienced a lot of trauma so you are effectively having a trauma response, and even if this is the case it's not an excuse for nasty behaviour

or

B) you are just a massive twat.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 16/04/2022 13:28

@MostlyOk

Is she mentally ill? At a bare minimum, this sounds like a very serious personality disorder.
For over twenty years?

People can be cunts, it's not necessarily a mental health issue If this was sudden, then maybe you'd have a point.