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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??

161 replies

Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 22:36

Hi all, so after setting my mind in a spin over the last couple of weeks I have decided to see what everyone thinks - AIBU for cutting all ties with my MIL who tried to punch me??
I have being with my OH for nearly 20 years and my MIL has never liked me - not because I am a horrible person or anything just simply because I fell in love with her son and he fell in love with me. We have 2 children together and are very happy.
For nearly 20 years I have put up with her criticising me about literally everything - really nasty comments about my looks and personality, my parenting and how useless I am. She has called me fat many times and said that I look disgusting and have a horrible personality. When I had my babies she told me I was sexually abusing my children for breastfeeding them and referred to me as ‘Daisy the cow’ when breast feeding. She has recently told my children that I am fat and I shouldn’t eat biscuits (I am a size 10) and that they don’t need me anymore now that they are older (they are aged 9 and 11) Over the last couple of months she has had screaming episodes with myself and my husband - swearing and shouting at us in front of the children for literally no reason and when I have told her to calm down and stop shouting in front of the children she said that she can do what she wants and don’t care if they are upset. These are just a few examples to show how truly awful she is.
A couple of weeks ago I overheard my MIL slagging me off to my husband in the next room saying what a horrible person I am and saying a pack of lies to him. I walked in to them and said “what the hell? Why are you saying such things about me to my husband??!!” She then got up out of her chair, charged at me and tried to thump me numerous times, my husband shielded me with his body and ended up getting punched and scratched by her. I ran upstairs and she chased after me, still trying to punch me - screaming, shouting, swearing and yelling loads of lies about me in front of the children. I walked out with my husband and children and vowed that me and the children would never see her ever again.
I have done everything for this woman for nearly 20 years now - shopping, sorting out her bills, taking her places, taking her to appointments, even massaging her feet and I always vowed that I would care for her in her old age as she is terrified of going into a nursing home or such like. I have no idea why she hates me so much when I have done so much for her - my only crime is falling in love with her Son.
My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children but I think she is a danger to herself and other people and I don’t want myself or the children anywhere near her - AIBU??
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
cutebutscary · 15/04/2022 23:02

Could she be getting dementia or similar in light of the obvious escalation of her already awful behaviour? My mums cousin ( who was similar sounding to your mil ) got a brain tumour unfortunately and it totally escalated her hideous behaviour sadly to the point where we couldn't care for her and we had to get social care involved . Either way you don't need to be treated so bloody awfully

AskingforaBaskin · 15/04/2022 23:10

You need to call the police. Don't be ridiculous about your kids being upset that's such a pathetic cop out.

You need to protect them from her and their worthless father.
Woman up! She is a dangerous moron who would probably kill you. Get to the police now. Tell DH that if he puts her and your kids near each other you divorce and he gets supervised visits because he clearly can't be trusted.

Original poster
Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 23:11

DafodilGreen - I have absolutely no intention of seeing this woman again or letting her see the children I promise as I really do think she is a danger. I was just wondering what other peoples views were and AIBU as my Dad thinks I should let her see the children (please no judgements on my Dad he is just literally the nicest person on the planet!)

OP posts:
spotcheck · 15/04/2022 23:12

You had to PLEAD with your husband to get her mental health checked?

🤯

Georgeskitchen · 15/04/2022 23:12

This woman sounds seriously mentally ill. She wouldn't be coming within 100 miles of my kids

LittleOwl153 · 15/04/2022 23:12

Why would your husband want to force his violent mother on a child who can't even bear to hear her name... that's some abuse.

I'd report her to the police. If you do it might give you some help in barring her access to the kids when you do give up on their enmeshed father for failing to protect you all.

LadyMaid · 15/04/2022 23:12

Get a restraining order.

Perrymenopausal · 15/04/2022 23:13

How awful OP. She would not be having anything to do with me or the kids again.

There is no way your DH should be trying to get you to make up. She tried to assault you. He should have your back OP.

Original poster
Chasingclouds100 · 15/04/2022 23:17

Cutebutscary - thank you for your reply - I have thought that she might have some sort of dementia but I really don’t know as she can be so awful to us and then if her sister phones she is all sweetness and light! I have also thought maybe a bi-polar disorder. She has since been to see her gp who has prescribed anti-depressants but I do think that there she needs more help with her mental health. I’m sorry to hear about your Mum’s cousin, that sounds heartbreaking

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 15/04/2022 23:36

Mental illness is not an excuse for violence.
She terrifies your kids and only didn't batter you because your husband shielded you.... keep well away no matter what she might get diagnosed with!

bagsforlife20 · 15/04/2022 23:36

I haven’t been in your situation so probably have a simplistic view, but I would think about raising your concerns with the police or adult social services. There isn’t a chance I would act like nothing has happened and invite her back.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/04/2022 23:38

She's clinically insane, refuse to see her and refuse to let the children see her ever again. Do nothing for her.
Let your husband do it if he's so keen on seeing her.
She either gets psychiatric help or that's it, she's on her own. Children do not need to witness that.

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2022 23:40

Will she actually take the tablets though? Because I knew someone who was "on the sick" for anxiety and depression on massive doses of anti anxiety meds never took one of them had the prescription renewed them on time everytime never took the pills said nothing wrong with them didn't need them but needed them for show

NeverChange · 15/04/2022 23:43

So your DH is ok with you & his children being subjected to this abuse?

If it were me, she would never have contact with any of you ever again. You can't stop your husband from seeing her but if he does it should be alone and not in your house.

takealettermsjones · 15/04/2022 23:44

I mean it gently, but it's a bit shocking that you have to ask. Read your OP again, but imagine one of your friends was saying it about their MIL. What would you say to them?

jadey1991 · 15/04/2022 23:46

@Chasingclouds100
She doesn't sound well at all. Personally I think your have reported it. Secondly I would not allow her around the children at all.
Your husband should of done something a long time ago because 20 years is way to long for this to be going on.

Your husband should also be saying the same thing as your about not allowing her to see the children.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/04/2022 23:46

I don't understand why you have spent 20 years serving her when she has been so horrible to you. Massaging her feet??
Why have you colluded with this appalling behaviour?
Anyway, keep away, keep your children away, you don't owe her anything. She can go into a home when the time comes. You are not her servant or slave, no-one will respect you for acting like one, her least of all.
If you carry on looking after her now, she and DH and the rest of the family will take it as a signal that you accept this sort of abuse, that you are low-status.
Disengage completely. She is psychotic, next time she might actually kill you. It is not safe for you or or your children to go near her.
It might be sensible to report the attack now, so that it is on record, and to show that you are not prepared to accept this violent abuse.

DebtheSander · 15/04/2022 23:49

She has been awful to you for 20 years. This is not an illness, mental health crisis. Nor is it dementia. This is her. This is who she is.

Not a chance in hell would she have any contact with me or my dc. I would simply tell your DH that he has a choice. His mother physically attacked you. If he wants to push contact between you all, you will have to report her to the police for your own protection. His choice.

Tell him you understand how difficult this is for him. But your safety and the safety of the dc comes first.

I would also suggest some counselling for both of you to explore why you have put up with her behaviour and treatment of j to ou for so long.

DebtheSander · 15/04/2022 23:50

Oh and there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t go into a nursing home.

dropthevipers · 15/04/2022 23:54

Had this come from literally anyone else on the planet they would already be on a charge of GBH. She is clearly bonkers, and dangerous with it. That would be the total end for me-how DH reacts is up to him.

sashadasher · 15/04/2022 23:59

I had very similar behaviour from my mil for 10 years,she eventually stomped off in huff after I grew a pair and told her to grow up .5 years later she died and we still hadn't made amends but for me ,I wish I'd gone no contact 10 years sooner.
It was hard on my husband at 1st but I said he could visit without me and children, he just wouldn't. She thought she could work her way back in,pulled all types of stunts none worked.The peace was blissfully though.Do it for your sanity now!!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2022 00:07

"you are 100% right about [MIL] abusing [DH] his whole life - I have always thought that was the case"

"My husband, two weeks on from our falling out is saying that I should make up with her and that she should be allowed to see the children"

Do a search on FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt. Basically it's what your husband feels towards his mother. She has trained him from childhood to serve her, to give her what she wants, to put her first. It will be hard for him to break that conditioning.

While you (and he) get your head around the damage she has caused him, you need to take charge. He is prioritising his mothers wants and you need to prioritise your and your children's needs. So, when he says things like 'she should be allowed to see the children' you stand firm and tell him it isn't happening. Doesn't matter how pissed he is about it, you and the children are the priority. Your daughter doesn't want to see her, your son is only saying maybe, you are saying no. End of discussion. You might want to suggest he thinks about some counselling for himself.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 16/04/2022 00:10

Why have you waited so long.
Definitely cut her off, horrible vile woman.

justasking111 · 16/04/2022 00:10

She sounds very sick. Let the medical profession deal with that. In a way it's a shame the police weren't involved it helped my neighbour when her OH did this because there was official intervention in place quickly

Abaababa · 16/04/2022 00:42

Would be focusing on a police report of the assault, not if you are BU about never contacting this piece of shit again.

Can’t believe what you‘be put up with for 20 years. Should have nipped it in the bud, however ‘extreme’ like NC at Year 1. And doesn’t matter if your DS wants to see grandma again, he’s a child and doesn’t understand what a POS she is.