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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

238 replies

WonderingSally · 14/04/2022 21:42

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

OP posts:

lovelymama · 14/04/2022 21:47

I’m older than you, I was born in 1980. I have a very close, loving family and had a great childhood but we were smacked. Not for random things, which sound very petty in your case. We were very poor, mum and dad must have been so stressed about money as I am 1 of 4 children. I think when they were stressed was when we got a smack. I remember my dad getting mine and my sister’s heads and banging them together. That bloody hurt!

Our relationship with our parents has always been strong and I adore my parents as we have such respect for each other. In your case, is there a strong upside to your dad? Do you only have those bad memories or are there lots of amazing things that you remember too?

Blendedfamily7 · 14/04/2022 21:48

I was born in 85, my mum was a smacker....at least every other day for me. Multitude of random reasons as she saw fit as a result I turned into a nightmare teenager and she kicked me out when I was 12. My dad smacked me twice that I remember, once for nicking £20 out of his wallet and I was chuffed because I'd nicked £40 🙈

I don't think smacking wasn't 'done' or 'normal' in the 90s but I know the level my mother subjected myself and my sister to was abuse. Nothing I ever said to my mother changed a thing as an adult, she's even threatened to smack my kids and been quite taken aback when I informed her I thump her and have her arrested If she did 😉 now, I have finally accepted it as it was and I just don't treat my kids the way she treated us. It still hurts but I've had to learn not to let it occupy any part of my life x

typingcake · 14/04/2022 21:48

I was born in 1980 and I was smacked as a child through to my teen years. Stuff like slapped on the legs, smacked hard in succession on my backside, once dad was drunk and I did something to annoy him and he slapped me hard on the face and another time my mum dragged me outside by my hair. We were not regularly abused just when we had done something bad, mostly fighting with each other. One thing tho - Dad never hit me or my sisters any other time and he never hit mum. Bit my god they threw stuff and screamed at each other.

707smile · 14/04/2022 21:49

I was born the same year as you OP. I was quite a tantrumy kid and my Dad would smack me but not as often as every few weeks.

SparkleSpangle · 14/04/2022 21:50

It wasn't right but it was normal and encouraged among parents. It was the standard discipline of the day. Unfortunately.

Things are better now. Maybe you should talk to a therapist or similar about why you cant get over it?

Fedupbuyer · 14/04/2022 21:50

Same,I was born in 1980,I got smacked constantly,mainly for just breathing I think!I don’t have much of a relationship with my parents because of it!

CoreyTaylorisHot · 14/04/2022 21:51

Around the same year as you and I was smacked, not very often only when I was really cheeky. I don't parent the same way and would never smack my child.

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/04/2022 21:51

I’m older than you and I was only smacked once. Smacking was frowned upon by then, but it still happened. I think it shows his inability to manage his frustrations, and perhaps he learned to parent this way, as it’s how he was parented.

Kite22 · 14/04/2022 21:53

I was going to say YABU, from the title, but it does sound like you were smacked all the time, for absolutely no real reason. So that does sound awful.

When people talk about them being 'smacked as a child' I always assume they mean once or twice in their life time.

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 14/04/2022 21:55

Born in 79, used to get whacked by my mum and dad but not very often. It would have only been for something very naughty

It doesn't bother me, I wouldn't smack my little one though. If anything I think it would make things worse, we were a lot older then her though

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 14/04/2022 21:56

I was smacked a lot but it was the 70's it was horrible i remember my legs would sting and the red raised hand marks.
My oldest was born early 90's I never smacked any of my children the memories I had stopped me. I used time out and ignoring tantrums etc.

SteelAspidistra · 14/04/2022 21:57

Born in 1976- I was smacked for anything and nothing. I used to run upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom- he would batter the door to break the lock and get to me. A mirror on the back of the door once got smashed as a result which was, of course, my fault so I got smacked some more. I regularly had handprints on my skin for some time afterwards. Bloody awful parenting. I have never and will never hurt my children. I know that they question my parenting as a result. Madness really.

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 21:57

I was born in 1988. My dad smacked us, sometimes in my opinion it was too heavy handed. I was afraid of him for sure. He left the family home when I was 11 and never returned so its not an issue for me anymore as I have no relationship with him. I got the odd smack of my mum but nothing major as I was a good kid. It was the standard discipline of the day but most parents will admit their failings now to their kids.

If your dad acknowledged it was wrong and apologised you may feel like you could forgive him but it sounds like he hasn't done this?

Rockmehardplace · 14/04/2022 21:58

@Kite22

I was going to say YABU, from the title, but it does sound like you were smacked all the time, for absolutely no real reason. So that does sound awful.

When people talk about them being 'smacked as a child' I always assume they mean once or twice in their life time.

Near daily occurrence house growing up. I know it was definitely more, and more severe, than in other houses but don’t think I realised quite HOW much more. But nothing I can do about it now.

My siblings and I have never smacked any of our children.

XjustagirlX · 14/04/2022 21:59

I was smacked in the 90s. However my parents don’t smack their grandchildren. And we all have a good relationship.

Todaystopic · 14/04/2022 22:00

God this thread is depressing. I’m glad we have progressed when it comes to smacking our children, horrible.

SecondhandTable · 14/04/2022 22:01

I was born in the 90s and I was smacked by my DF. Not loads, and I can remember the context of any of it happening, so it definitely wasn't a super common occurrence. However it definitely did happen and I remember a few times he hit my younger sibling too. I don't know about the very youngest sibling but I assume they got the same treatment too. It was scary and upsetting and the threat of it was probably quite effective in some ways at containing our behaviour tbh. I remember my DM getting fed up with us and saying "right, wait til I tell your DF about this when he gets home" and the terror we would all feel. He's such a loving man as well but he was definitely walloped as a child (a lot more and a lot more violently than us, I think). He also has a lot of trauma in his childhood and youth and beyond tbh so has always struggled with his mental health and consequently his temper. I'm not excusing it as neither me nor DH have ever hit our children and I hope we never will! However I don't feel particularly angry towards my DF for it, he was (and I guess still is) just trying his best, as most parents are. Everyone is a product of their own experiences and upbringings. It's funny seeing him now with my toddler, I bet the idea of hitting her would seem absurd to him now too. He's definitely mellowed in some ways as he's gotten older. I should say too though that he is not from the UK and comes from a very different culture where parents have a much more authoritarian role and smacking is widely seen as socially acceptable if not even a necessary part of parenting tbh.

Barleysugar85 · 14/04/2022 22:02

Born in the eighties, earlier than you. We were smacked about once a month, stopped by our teenage years, mainly for deliberately naughty things (think- eating chocolate out of my sisters party bag I knew was hers!). I'd consider I have a good relationship with my parents generally, although obviously I couldn't imagine parenting my kids that way now.

crackingreward · 14/04/2022 22:02

I was born in 76 and I was never smacked. My Nanna was born in 1930 and was never smacked. She never smacked her own. She could see it for what it was and both her and my great gran had a really forward thinking approach to raising their families. I think the 'it was of the time' Is a real cop out. People knew hitting children wasn't nice, and saying 'but it was common' is no excuse. I'm sorry but I disagree that it was simply generational.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/04/2022 22:02

When I hear that people were smacked as a child, I assume it was regular, as in every few weeks. I was born in the early 70s and that was normal. By the 1990s I was having my own kids and I'd say smacking was still common but it was changing.

Either way, I doubt that it adds much to your life to focus on this now. I think it's misleading to look at the past through today's lens because we are social animals, and social norms have changed so much.
We might also ask the big questions - are teenagers today any happier or more well - balanced than teens 20 or 30 years ago? Because I'm not sure they are. I look at my children and their peers, and see an epidemic of self-harm manifested in various ways. CAMHS overwhelmed. I'm not seeing clear and obvious evidence that things nowadays are so much better than they were in the 1990s, despite how I thought at the time that my parents were dinosaurs who were doing it all wrong.

Yoohoo778611 · 14/04/2022 22:03

Born in 1960 was smacked a lot.
Also received the belt as dad had a short fuse.
I remember going to school with thick strap bruises up my legs.
I was 9.
All because I didn't dry a plate properly.
I went to a Catholic school but not one teacher showed any concern.

Sapphire387 · 14/04/2022 22:05

I was smacked as a child. Occasionally. And for really bad misbehaviour. It has not damaged my relationship with my parents.

People are very anti-smacking on here, but I don't believe the world is black and white and that it is always wrong under every circumstance. But it is stories like yours that make people feel this way, I think, and not stories like mine.

I believe there is a world of difference between what I am describing, and what you are describing. I am not surprised you are still upset, because it sounds like you were punished with casual violence. And that is poor parenting, and I am sorry you were subjected to it.

Abouttimemum · 14/04/2022 22:06

I was born in the early 80s and my parents didn’t ever smack me, or even really shout at me to be honest.
My DH was born at the same time and was smacked all the time, although he had a very abusive childhood and his parents would be jailed in this day and age, so not really comparable.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/04/2022 22:06

Smacking was more acceptable then, but only for actual bad behaviour (being cheeky, disobedient, rude, stealing your parents cigarettes etc). It sounds like your DF took it to excess and smacked you for reasons which, even at the time, did not merit it.

crackingreward · 14/04/2022 22:07

We might also ask the big questions - are teenagers today any happier or more well - balanced than teens 20 or 30 years ago? Because I'm not sure they are. I look at my children and their peers, and see an epidemic of self-harm manifested in various ways. CAMHS overwhelmed. I'm not seeing clear and obvious evidence that things nowadays are so much better than they were in the 1990s, despite how I thought at the time that my parents were dinosaurs who were doing it all wrong.

I don't think you can out parent mental illness.

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