To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

[WonderingSally]

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

Born 86 and was smacked, I think (?) it was still pretty widespread then. I wouldn't dream of doing it to my DS but I accept my parents weren't being malicious. I do think it affected my relationship with them for quite a while as they were generally over the top authoritarians but they've mellowed considerably over time.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

My parents were not shit parents, lazy parents or any other unpleasant name you wish to call them. They were and are absolutely fucking brilliant parents and grandparents. They gave us a fabulous upbringing on very limited money, encouraging us to do well at school so we could have the opportunities that they didn't have. When we were adults and had our own kids they were supportive and totally doting GPS. They smacked not beat because that was considered the most effective way of parenting at the time. The same as parents now do what is considered the most effective parenting. I never feared them, I didn't want to get punished so I didn't do what was going to get me punished.

Well fucking congratulations to you, you won the not shit parents award! My parents were absolutely massive shit cunts, I mean a massive bloke wailing a 3/4 year old child who was just in the way with a leather belt, my mother turning the cheek & both fucking off out leaving me on my own all day, day after day is really great parenting right? Fuck off

I was born late 60s .Not smacked routinely .Cant remember any incidents at all . I think parents under stress with money ,being young and so on may hit out in a moment of anger maybe .Routinely and its abuse .Maybe help to talk to a Counsellor? Some parents then felt if they were too "soft" would damage child!

1980 - smacked regularly, every week for sure!

Mother - nasty back handers around the face (only when my dad was at work), bare bum smacks in public, shiny moccasin slipper used or bare hand.
These would be for any percieved crime, back chat/tone of voice/not doing something fast enough - in hindsight she often lost her temper and lashed out.
The particular speciality though was to smack me, then I'd have the hysterical gulping uncontrollable crying, then if a threat of another smack didn't shut me up... head under the cold tap (in the sink when tiny, in the bath when bigger).

She was absolutely abusive, there were other things she did that i think were worse (more calculated and evil).

Father: slipper or wooden spoon (both named Oscar, no idea why) - major crimes like damaging stuff on purpose, doing super dangerous stuff - these were always pre-planned so 'at 6pm you are getting a smacked bum for... xyz' but sometimes 'you're both being smacked until whoever did it admits it'.

He has since apologised, its what his mother did - he also says (and fwiw, I do believe him) he had NO idea about the degree of mothers abuse, he only saw the odd bare bum smack when we'd really annoyed her and none of the rest of it.

So.. I dunno, was it normal, I think a fair bit of it was what everyone else was doing. At the time I had no idea that some of it wasn't, it certainly never occurred to me to tell anyone else, nor did it occur that other adults DIDN'T know what was happening to me or that it might be secret.. it just, was normal.

You're not unreasonable to have feelings about the fact your parents physically assaulted you for small and arbitrary reasons. You were a child. It's not ok.

It doesn't matter if it was legal then. It's not now because we know better, we know that it can cause long term psychological and emotional harm to be a small child whose caregiver hurt you on purpose at all, let alone for random and bizarre reasons such as drying your hair for too long.

Sorry that happened to you OP.

I was born in 1973 and was smacked occasionally. I was a well behaved kid though. My nephew was born in 1993 and I remember his mum smacking him for being a bit cheeky. I don't hold it against my parents but I would never smack anyone!

@crispsarny I have already said there is a difference between a smack and abuse. What you experienced was abuse and is not and never was acceptable and I am sorry you went through that. But I hate my parents being called shit parents, lazy or abusive for the occasional smack when that just isn't the case.

Different era when it was more acceptable. Seems it was very common by the responses on here but the level of whether it affects you would be down to how they were in other aspects of upbringing; if you 'understand' why an incident happened or if you outright believe it was wrong.
My dad hit, not smacked, if I did something he didn't agree with. While now he's mellowed as a grandad and my kids adore him. However it cut deep and honestly I don't believe I'll cry when his time comes, because when I think back it was abuse and if I ever did what he did to my kids I'd be in prison!

Born 1986, never smacked. My mum was never smacked either. My mum and her parents had their faults, but this is one thing they were forward thinking on I guess. As a kid, I always remember feeling sorry for my friends who were smacked by their parents.

@Ivyonafence smacking is. Not ilegal in england , but what OP experienced was always not legal really

Sorry what many on here experienced

@savedbyanalien its already starting , the naught step is being scrutinised by some

Despite the fact I was clearly abused by my mother, I don't think all smacking = abuse.

Smacking isn't a particularly efficient punishment but - if you understand the parameters and can avoid being smacked by sticking to the rules, then it is probably not abusive. (Obviously that depends on what the rules are, the rules themselves could be!)

With my father, this was the case, you could avoid a smack, by not scratching your name into a wall or chair arm or by not using his motorbike as a step ladder and knocking it over (both my sister!)...

With my mother the rules changed on, sometimes, a minute by minute basis - she was a constant mover of goalposts, it was impossible to avoid getting smacked or worse if she was in a particular mood. I absolutely did not understand what classified as 'back chat' or 'tone of voice' as a little child, and she would set me up to fail too:

'Why did you do x...'
'Mummy I didn't do x...' OR 'I thought x was...'
'DON'T GIVE ME BACK-CHAT'... slap round the face

And yet if I just stayed silent and looked at my feet or stared blankly in her face, there'd be a slap for that too. Lose lose situation with her.

That is a very different thing indeed, that isn't punishment for a start, it does not reduce the frequency of a behaviour as it was impossible to avoid, or sometimes, work out exactly what behaviour had triggered it. So it was abusive.

I didn’t get smacked very often but I still remember how humiliating it felt and even as a child I swore I’d never do it if I ever became a parent. And I haven’t. I may have become frustrated with my son at times and there may have been raised voices but never a smack. It’s just not right.

@DrSbaitso you can't go around calling peoples parents shit , when this was the discipline used even schools could use it
My parents used it maybe 3 times they are anything but shit , how dare you
You have no right to judge , maybe your kids may think your a shit parent or a neighbour for other reasons
Those getting whacked hard and all the time and for nothing , that was poor and not just smacking as a deterrent: punishment
But you don't get to call parents shit
What happens if in 15 years one of the methods you use is now not acceptable , will you be happy for people to call you a shit parent

@crispsarny what your describing is abuse not the odd smack for writing in the wall or something , totally totally different to what some are saying and why some of us are protective our parents as they didn't behave like that

I was born at the beginning of the 90s and I was smacked (every couple of weeks or so maybe) until I was about 10 or 11. After that dad never smacked me again but my mum would threaten to slap my face if I was rude.
It was normal back then; I remember seeing other kids being smacked all the time. I have never smacked my daughter and never plan to do so.

[quote sweeneytoddsrazor]@DrSbaitso no I don't hit my children because like you I imagine I have done my parenting to the best of my abilities within what is considered the best methods now. I hope that 20 or 30 years down the line if the accepted method of parenting is different to what it is today and todays methods are considered abusive you will be more than happy to be called a shit lazy parent.[/quote]
Of course I won't be happy if my parenting turns out to have been shit and lazy. But it won't be the bruise to my ego that will bother me. It'll be knowing my parenting was shit and lazy. Surely that's what will bother anyone who cares about good parenting.

@DrSbaitso but you wouldn't know would you ffs
People were doing the best they knew at the time and with what was a used and accepted method , how they were told and advised in many cases.
You do not get to call my parents shit and lazy as you don't know them

[quote worriedatthistime]@DrSbaitso you can't go around calling peoples parents shit , when this was the discipline used even schools could use it
My parents used it maybe 3 times they are anything but shit , how dare you
You have no right to judge , maybe your kids may think your a shit parent or a neighbour for other reasons
Those getting whacked hard and all the time and for nothing , that was poor and not just smacking as a deterrent: punishment
But you don't get to call parents shit
What happens if in 15 years one of the methods you use is now not acceptable , will you be happy for people to call you a shit parent [/quote]
I said it was a shit parenting technique. Shitty parenting. And it is.

I am glad for those people whose parents managed to keep it to the lower end of the spectrum of shitness that is hitting children in your care, and also to offset this relatively low level of shitness to the point where they do not feel damaged by it. It's good when children escape damage that shit parenting has the potential to inflict.

If it should turn out that my parenting was as shit as smacking, I'll absolutely deserve to be called a shit parent and I'll just be glad that the next generation isn't shit like me. Of course it won't make me happy to know I fucked up, but what's more important: not doing shit parenting, or reassuring the bruised egos of those who did?

Remember being pinched by a young female Teacher .Never told Mum .I think it was the shock really

[quote worriedatthistime]@DrSbaitso but you wouldn't know would you ffs
People were doing the best they knew at the time and with what was a used and accepted method , how they were told and advised in many cases.
You do not get to call my parents shit and lazy as you don't know them [/quote]
Their method of hitting you was a shit and lazy technique thar was certainly open to criticism and discussion in the 80s for anyone willing to think about it.

I'm glad they kept it to the low end of the spectrum and offset it elsewhere.

I'm a result of smacking, and if that's not a deterrent, I don't know what is. Don't smack your kids, people. They'll end up wasting too much time on t'internet telling you what a shit technique it is. And they really won't care that you want to persuade them your parents were great, because that's really not the point. It's still an independently terrible technique that the entire next generation rejects.

born late 70’s, smacked once at around the age of 3. I remember what happened, it was a total reaction to what I had done. I can’t remember it hurting but that it happened. Did t happen again. I think my Dad was more shocked than I was.

@DrSbaitso most people dislike judgemental people too
You will go around life with lots of regrets if you go looking for blame
I know I have made mistakes as a parent myself , doesn't make me shit , makes me a normal parent , doing my very best at the time. My kids know that but sometimes we get a situation wrong or handle it incorrectly , we learn and move on. My kids also learn that its ok to make mistakes and that we all fuck up sometimes rather than hold a grudge against me for one honest misjudgement or whatever

Born in the 60's - my parents didn't hit me.
My mother was more into verbal abuse and putdowns
& weirdly fond of a primary school teacher that kept a plimsoll handy in her desk to discipline any child she saw fit.