To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

[WonderingSally]

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

Mid 70s child here. Both my parents would use the slipper on me, my mum wore ones with heels so that really hurt. She also once boxed my ears - hit me repeatedly around the head - for the crime of not being able to fit all the shopping in the freezer. I locked myself in the bathroom after that one.
They claim they never hit me. They seem to have blanked out out our something, but I remember being hit, hard, for very small things. Even now if my husband gets angry (he almost never does) I automatically cower as my subconscious is expecting me to be hit.
My brother didn't get the same treatment, he remembers childhood as lovely whereas I still have trauma. But he used to hit me too, I guess I was the family scapegoat though I don't know why. I was really good, top student, behaved myself, but just was never good enough for them.

[quote Tulipblacksmith]@crackingreward

I think she meant teen MH is worse than ever and this is despite better parenting.[/quote]
Yes, that's what I meant, thank you. I don't think we know all the answers yet. I don't want to go back to the days of routine smacking - I couldn't bear to do it - , but I don't think we have real evidence that it produced worse outcomes than more recent norms, in terms of child mental health. There are more variables to consider of course, but if the old approach was so very wrong and the current approach so much better, wouldn't we expect to have seen vast improvements in child and adolescent mental health? I may be wrong, but I'm not aware of any evidence that kids and teens nowadays are better off in that respect. Perhaps there is some? I'd be genuinely interested to know. Time and experience has only left me feeling that I have fewer answers than I thought I had 25 years ago!

80s child. I was smacked. My parents were smacked and my dad had the cane at school! I don't smack my children because attitudes to consequences have changed (I couldn't ever imagine doing it, but that could be a learned thing as times changed)

I don't care how my parents disciplined me, I have lovely memories growing up. I wouldn't look at it as being 'smacked' as being your issue. There was probably alot more going on.

The ones acting like that probably did get smacked. It's learnt behaviour and they are externalising their anger at being hit.

Looking back I was an angry kid. I got into a few fights. I was not afraid of a single peer. No need to be when you already face a bigger beast at home. Sometimes my friends at school would cry over small things. I used to think they were pathetic. They weren't. They were simply just showing emotion that I probably wasn't allowed too.

I am glad as a society we have all moved on now.

I was bitten. Teacher at primary school had a taste for the small children - someone’s parents saw the teeth marks and complained.

Teacher stayed.

I was born early 70’s. We were smacked, usually with the wooden spoon. I don’t know anyone that wasn’t smacked. Teachers at school would smack you too, we had one that used yo hit us across the knuckles with the wooden metre ruler. My husband, same age, regular got the slipper at school.

I can’t really remember what my mum smacked us for, probably arguing with each other.

I’ve never smacked my own kids but being smacked as a child hasn’t affected me in any way that I know of.

@DivorcedAndDelighted

It would be hard to evidence as I am sure not all smacks were the same. I am certain my father was too heavy handed. I was extremely afraid of him. Some people wont have that experience, and will be completely unscathed from their experiences of being smacked.

@crackingreward

I didn’t say you behaved like that. I said how children in my class did.

Also born in 88 and my parents never laid a finger on me. My cousin ('87) used to get smacked by his Dad and we were always shocked by it. Sad how many people think/thought it was normal.

This thread is shocking, I'm sorry some of you went through that.

I'm a 60s child, and while my relationship with my parents wasn't great, I was never hit. My own DC were born in the 90s and were also never hit, ever. It's not OK.

We were smacked but not very often I don't think. My mum had serious anger issues though and would regularly throw things. She does talk about my oldest sister and how she smacked her more than any of us as she was the naughtiest (obviously didn't work then )
She has told the story more than once of the time my sister told her it didn't hurt, so she smacked her harder and harder, as if it was funny! We were born late 70's early 80's.

My sister and BIL used to smack my niece and nephew, my niece a lot as she was like my sister by the sounds of it, you'd think she would've realised it doesn't work I even remember turning up at my sisters house on Christmas Day and my BIL telling us my niece had had a few smacks already. Fucking awful.

These replies are why it annoys me when people say 'oh there's nothing wrong with a tap on the bum, it's not abuse' these stories prove otherwise! They do it because they are angry and have lost it, they aren't just giving a tap on the bum.

Yanbu, I was smacked physically abused by both Mum and Dad and it still bothers me. M only stopped when I started hitting her back. I moved out when I was 17 because D never stopped

I remember one particular night D gave me a right beating, I went into the bathroom afterwards and M was in there crying. I asked her why and she said she thought he was going to kill me. Not enough for her to actually try and stop him or anything, just sit in another room and listen to me screaming and begging him to stop.

I still speak to them but we have a terrible relationship.

I was born in 1975 and was smacked a lot. It was always when I’d been naughty and not for no reason. It was never a beating, but a smack on the butt or legs or a smack on my wrist. I’m very close to my parents and see them pretty much every day. The worst was probably when I was brought home by the police for shoplifting sweets at Woolworths. Got a few slaps for that and I never stole anything ever again.

Meant to say I was born late 80s.

It's normal for you to still be upset, it was abuse.

I was born in 81. We only got a smack as a last resort. And I have no doubt that I deserved every single one. I can think of many many kids today who could also do with one

I was born in mid 80s and was smacked. In fact all my friends were too. We've turned out well adjusted enough and have good relationships with my parents. In fact I don't think about it at all - but that's because it was only done as discipline. And when id been naughty. They were very loving and affectionate otherwise so maybe that's why I don't see it as abuse.

@WonderingSally

Thank you for all of the responses - honestly it feels sad that so many experienced it as children, but it's feeling therapeutic reading that I wasn't alone.

My family have never spoken about it. What brought it home was having children my self and it feeling so unnatural for a dad to smack his daughter. I've never left my kids with them because we've never had the chat, and if someone can hit a child once, surely their buttons could be pressed again

OP you should have the chat. I was smacked like you when I was little - a particular belting remains etched in my memory for daring to be friends with a little girl of a family he disliked - and I know the tremendous guilt my parents feel now. They would never lay a hand on my children. They hate that they did that to us and often sadly reflect on it, wishing they could change things. But of course it was completely normal back then and they didn’t know better. There were also stresses that caused them to take things out on my brother and I.

I’m not saying you should forgive him or give him a second chance with your kids but it may be worth a chat at least.

I do not agree this was normal. I was born in 1989 and can only remember being smacked twice ever. Once because I ran across a road where cars were coming and I think it was mostly done in fear, once as a young teen when I screamed in my mum's face some horrible things (all untrue). Both times my parents apologised afterwards and wish they hadn't done it. It was not routine punishment in our house. I think smacking in other households was a little more routine but regular smacking for pretty much nothing, as in your case, I'd say was abusive.

Born in the sixties. Got smacked for minor offences. Accidentally spilling a a cup of milk. Reasonably well behaved to minimise the threat of being smacked. Also had primary school teachers who weren't averse to dishing out a slap. Secondary school used the cane.
I was a product of the Times and I don't look back in anger. Had respect for authority and it was a choice: stay on the straight and narrow or end up in Borstal
No consequences for bad behaviour nowadays and seriously some of these god awful brats are short of a good hiding or two

I was born in 1971 and my dad would threaten to smack me, but never actually did. Mum would slap the back of my legs if I didn't run away quick enough!

I was never especially close to my parents.

I dont believe smacking your DC helps one bit, so glad it is outlawed in so many places now tbh

I was born a few years earlier than you. I was smacked however it was a handful of times and when I'd actually been naughty, it was more when I did something that made my parents lose their temper and lash out a bit rather than a punishment that had been decided in advance for certain behaviour if that makes sense. It hasnt affected our relationship

My dad did throughout my whole childhood, it really affected my relationship with him - I'm quite a gentle, emotional person and he was a tough, cold type. In my teenage years I went off the rails and told him I hated him and that he had damaged me, it reached peak crazy and we stopped speaking for a few years. A few years down the line after I had my own kids I heard from my sibling that he still asked about me all the time, expressed regret and remorse etc. I reached out to him and we made amends, he was very apologetic and had changed a lot. He opened up about his own childhood and how that had impacted his parenting. We now have a really good relationship and have done for the past few years. I don't think I could have moved on without those tough conversations, reflections and changes though. I also had counselling for a couple of years which helped a lot.

Your feelings are valid and I hope you figure out the best way forward big hugs x

Born 1979. My Dad never raised a gand to me. Mum used to do a comedy chasing me with a wooden spoon but we'd both end up laughing. The only time she ever hit me was a slap across the face when I was about 15. I deserved that slap.

I can only remember being smacked once on back of my legs/bottom. My younger sister and I were with Mum, we had just been visiting a relative who lived at top of hill. We were both messing about on our new roller skates and on a really big steep hill we were pushing each other. Mum told us off and to stop pushing. I pushed a bit hard and pushed my little sister down the hill on her skates, she could not stop and flew out into the road at bottom of hill in front of an oncoming car. My Mum went ballistic as we looked down the hill and could not stop the inevitable. My sister was hit by car but luckily not hard. I was hit on back of legs/bottom.