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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

238 replies

WonderingSally · 14/04/2022 21:42

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

OP posts:
MrPoppysParka · 14/04/2022 22:07

Can we stop calling it smacking and say it for what it is, hitting.
Born in the mid 80s, never smacked. My mum was born in the 50s and never smacked.

Original poster
WonderingSally · 14/04/2022 22:08

Thank you for all of the responses - honestly it feels sad that so many experienced it as children, but it's feeling therapeutic reading that I wasn't alone.

My family have never spoken about it. What brought it home was having children my self and it feeling so unnatural for a dad to smack his daughter. I've never left my kids with them because we've never had the chat, and if someone can hit a child once, surely their buttons could be pressed again

OP posts:
MrPoppysParka · 14/04/2022 22:08

Totally aware I referred to it as smacking myself there 🙈

Sciurus83 · 14/04/2022 22:11

Born in 1983, was never smacked, parents very against it. Sorry so many of you experienced it.

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 22:12

@crackingreward

what do you mean out parent mental illness?

NuffSaidSam · 14/04/2022 22:13

I'm a similar age and was smacked growing up by both parents, but probably only once every few month or so, if that. It wasn't a regular occurrence (and I was a difficult child). It was only as a small child as well, never as an older child/teenager.

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 22:13

@MrPoppysParka

I do not see a problem with the word smack. I was smacked by my mother and I was hit by my father. If you have experienced both there is most certainly a difference.

crackingreward · 14/04/2022 22:15

[quote Tulipblacksmith]@crackingreward

what do you mean out parent mental illness?[/quote]

Maybe I misread?

I thought the post said that there is a higher level of self harm and CAMHS referrals even though the parents were like dinosaurs. I just don't see the correlation.

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 22:17

@WonderingSally

I think that is the issue. No one has spoke about it since? I was born in 88 but I have a teen and older kids so I have had more years to reflect.

Healing can be achieved but only really if your parents admit it was wrong for them to smack you. Maybe ask them about their views now on children being smacked? that might open the can of worms.

Onlyforcake · 14/04/2022 22:17

Yeah I was born in the mid 70s and was hit very frequently for a range of things, often very trivial, like not remembering to turn off the landing light

People who hit/ smack s child are just awful human beings who have no self control. I've seen both my parents lose their shit over trivial things as an adult and its totally pathetic, they have no way of expressing anger, disappointment in any other way than rage.

I've no respect for them or anyone who would rather whack a child than work on themselves.

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 22:18

@crackingreward

I think she meant teen MH is worse than ever and this is despite better parenting.

Herja · 14/04/2022 22:18

My mum once beat me with a saw (got taken off her for a few months then, so not seen as reasonable by family), definitely smacked and had a range of awful punishments when I was small. Didn't happen for that sort of thing though, I would have done something fairly serious. Similar age to you OP.

CatherineCookson · 14/04/2022 22:19

70s child .. got physically and mentally abused by my father from 11 upwards. I was a good kid at school, a little too clever for my own good at times, but did nothing out of the ordinary. Belted for ridiculous things (wore a dirty coat on a paper round). I got away lightly as my brothers had it worse but then they had each other for support. When they left home it was just me against him, my mum who turned a blind eye and a conniving snake of a sister.

You're not wrong to be upset but try to not let it swamp your life. It wasn't your fault. It took me till 30 and counselling to move on. It wasn't great times and I sometimes wonder what if to a lot if things... but I can't change it only control what I do now. Hopefully you find peaceful times ahead.

crackingreward · 14/04/2022 22:22

[quote Tulipblacksmith]@crackingreward

I think she meant teen MH is worse than ever and this is despite better parenting.[/quote]

That was exactly my point.

HisHX · 14/04/2022 22:24

I was born around the same time as you OP. I remember my Dad smacking me, but not that frequently, and not for nothing. I think I recall the context of all of them actually (< 10 times and always when I was particularly and objectively, badly behaved). I have an amazing relationship with my Dad now, but overall impression of him in childhood remains as a strict upbringing, with the occasional smack. I don’t recall a smack from my Mum, ever, so maybe a bit of a good cop/bad cop scenario, although I always felt they were completely aligned on principles.
I don’t hold any grudges whatsoever now, times have changed and ultimately they raised me well, but I wouldn’t do this to my (future) children.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 14/04/2022 22:28

I was born in 88 and I too was smacked. Only for major things and not that often. I knew then I was in the shit. Most of the time if we were misbehaving my parents gave me the look.... which I now use on my kids and it works a treat, no smacking needed.
I think smacking just faded tbh, I think people started making a big deal about kids rights and that was that. I’ve never felt the need to hit my kids. Not sure why I just haven’t.

OutlookStalking · 14/04/2022 22:28

Wow I always assumed people that said they got smacked as a kid in 80s meant regularly - just as some parents use the naughty step now.

It was certainly regularly in our house, several times a week. And we had the "heads bashed together" a few times.

Once I rememeber preschool age hearing someone say "shut up" on tv and I was so shocked as it was a rude word in our house and ran to tell my mum! She only heard shut up and walloped me. I remember thinking when I grow up I was going to invent trousers with padding in the legs 😞.

I still don't know whether this was "normal for 80s" I think for some families it was.

OutlookStalking · 14/04/2022 22:29

I also remember mum telling me I had super sensitive skin which I believed into adult hood - as her grabbing my arm /smacking me left hand prints. Hmmmmm

DDIJ · 14/04/2022 22:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 22:30

@crackingreward

One possible reason why could be due to the rise in permissive parenting? Often by guilt ridden parents who they themselves were smacked/hit as kids so now do the complete opposite. This can result in overly anxious and unhappy teens.

It is the polar opposite to authoritarian parenting that many of us received.

Ultimately the balance is authoritative parenting (the best outcomes). Strong, firm boundaries without the abuse or the permissiveness. It can be a hard balance to strike and no one gets it right all the time.

Also that is just one small aspect perhaps contributing to teen MH. I realise it is not so simplistic and they face pressures in todays society that we never did.

Dancer47 · 14/04/2022 22:31

I was born in the 1960s and smacked. The worst was at junior school where we would be smacked in the face and legs, thumped in the back - and worst of all - our long hair pulled (we all had long hair).
The female teachers were the worst by far.
I remember when my little brother was smacked or hit I would jumped in and try to defend him. I feel like crying when I think about it.
I was from a respectable and quite normal family. Parents were educated people.

None of my 4 grandparents ever hit us, although my grandfather had a cane under the dining room table. My first boyfriend used to be hit with a belt across his back. At grammar school we had very harsh corporal punishment. Again, the women teachers were far worse than the men - quite cruel in fact. I don't like women very much, even though I am one. I know how very cruel they can be.

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 14/04/2022 22:32

Born in kid 90s and I was smacked. However this is usual in my parents culture. I knew kids at school probably didn’t get smacked but all my Asian friends did. I was never smacked by my grandmothers. I think it’s usual for grandparents not to hit grandchildren despite hitting their own kids. Some smacks I deserved but I did feel I would get smacked for the littlest things. For example, getting a question wrong or hesitating on a question. If I’m brutally honest, I saw how other children behaved at school compared to us Asian kids. They were disruptive, badly behaved, talked back to teachers etc. I knew they were like that because their parents never hit them.

Katya213 · 14/04/2022 22:33

I was born in the late 70s. I was smacked on a daily basis by my mum, I wasn’t naughty she just used to get stressed with whoever her boyfriend was at the time and launch herself at myself and my sisters. We went to school covered in bruises but not a word said or a question asked.

crackingreward · 14/04/2022 22:33

I saw how other children behaved at school compared to us Asian kids. They were disruptive, badly behaved, talked back to teachers etc. I knew they were like that because their parents never hit them.

Oh shut up I have never behaved like that in my life Hmm

carefullycourageous · 14/04/2022 22:34

YANBU to still be upset. Being hit would have been physically painful and frightening. The fact it was commonplace does not change that.

I agree you might benefit from speaking to a counsellor.

One thing that is really positive is because you acknowledge the upset of it means you have not lied to yourself that 'it never did me any harm' - you still have your truth.