To still be upset my dad smacked me as a child

[WonderingSally]

I've always wondered how normal my childhood was. I was born in 1988, and can remember often being smacked as a child. Thinking about it I was a good kid, I got straight As, never got in trouble, head girl at school etc. But probably at least every 2/3 weeks I ended up with a smack for often stupid reasons - I don't remember most, but one that sticks out was drying my hair for too long, that kind of level of naughtiness. Always for things I'd done wrong around the house.

AIBU to think this wasn't normal even in the 90s? Or did smacking just happen in those days? I've always wondered what happened in other households but too scared to ask incase I find out my dad is definitely a dick

Smacking was a very very regular occurrence in our house. I was born 76, eldest of 3. Being the eldest I was ofcourse responsible for the behaviour of the other 2. If they were naughty they had a smack. Then I had one for not making them behave. I was 5 when that started!

And when I say smack, it was anywhere between a slap on the thigh (skirts/dresses were lifted or trousers pulled down) and a full on beating. With implements. Usually slippers, shoes, wooden handled bread boards, wooden spoon. For a few years it was a feather duster (plastic coated metal handle) or a bamboo cane. I was 17 the last time my mother slapped me. For spilling some pop.

I was born in 1980 and I was smacked but for big things, not little things and normally I would get a warning first. All my friends were as well. My dad later apologised - they were taught it was how you parent.

My in laws hit my husband much more and for petty things. My mother in law once tried to hit him for ordering a ginger beer in a cafe. He was 35. They threatened to smack my kids too and like pp I told them this would result in me hitting them.

I once told my kids about being smacked as a child (I was explaining how perceptions of right and wrong change over time). They found it hysterical. The idea of me (or their dad), who loves them, deliberately hurting them is so alien to them it's funny. I'm glad they feel safe and I hold on to that feeling when they need a reason to follow my instructions, rather than obeying as I would have done.

Was the norm for the day.

I am in my 60s and grew up when smacking was normal, but only for real bad behaviour. We knew the difference between a smack (with the hand) and abuse (being hit with implements, or repeated hitting for nothing, or being hit in rage around the head/face etc.) I am not condoning it, but even back then there was a "smack" and abuse, and they were different.

As my parents were good parents and never abusive, I thought nothing of it. It didn't colour my relationship with them in any way.

When I had my own children, they did receive the odd smack when they were vey little, but it was a long time ago and parenting has changed these days. If I had children now I certainly wouldn't smack them.....the thinking has changed and there are better ways.

Schooling has changed over the years too. When I was young, it was not unusual to receive "the ruler" up the arm in front of the class, and on rare occasions, a leg slap from the teacher. It's unthinkable these days. In my primary school school the 'cane' had almost gone out of use but it was used once. A boy had thrown stones to bring down a swallow's nest under the eaves of the school, he had stoned the parent birds and dropped the baby birds in the litter bin where the janitor had found them. The boy was caned for it. I remember quite clearly the school being told by the Headmaster in assembly that normally, they would not do such a thing but the cruelty shown by the boy required a serious punishment. I often wonder about that incident. Was cruelty to another living thing solved by cruelty to the perpetrator? I just don't know. What else would have been a fitting punishment? Does removing iPad use for a couple of weeks show a child what it feels like to be on the end of cruel treatment? Again, I really just don't know. I would never, NEVER agree to the cane being used today, but I also don't have any answers either.....

I was smacked as a kid. It doesn't really bother me today. It was just part of being a kid. I don't think I'd smack my own kids but I don't hold it against my parents. It was the norm for them and me and my siblings all turned out okay. My parents put a lot of effort into our behaviour and manners so I'm grateful to them for teaching us to be decent human beings. What you're describing sounds more like child abuse than punishing bad behaviour.

Not unreasonable at all. Smacking is shit parenting and always was. Even if your family was otherwise good enough to offset the effects of it to a level that you personally find acceptable, or truly was too thick to realise that bashing your kids about isn't good, it's still shit parenting. And a child is never to blame for being damaged by shit parenting.

I was smacked by both parents, normally for ‘answering back’ or as I would call it defending myself. I remember the frustration of not being able to have a voice so clearly and it’s really impacted on how I deal with conflict as an adult.
I know my parents regret smacking me now and we have a good relationship.
I smacked my eldest son once and I can honestly say I felt sick afterwards and never did it again.
I’m glad we have moved on.

..... But there are so many posts on here from mum's tearing their hair out because they are at their wits end with their kids behavior. I was smacked as a kid and I grew up into a happy, balanced adult. To me, it seemed like a quick, efficient method to teach right from wrong.
I don't smack my kids now as I'm aware it's not acceptable, but my god the long drawn out process of naughty steps, no screen time etc etc do my head in!

I always remember when I was about 9 (mid 1980s).
My mum (regular smacker) had wacked me across my shoulder blade (can't remember what I had done - probably answering back).
I had my swimming lesson that day, and remember my mum saying after that she felt mortified sitting watching me on the balcony.
Apparently I had a perfect imprint of an adult hand spread across my shoulder blade that my swimming costume revealed when I was sitting on the pool side with my back to all the parent spectators.

Being the 1980s the swimming instructors never mentioned it.

I was born in the 70s and got smacked. Teachers would smack us and use belts, straps and rulers as well. Friend's parents would smack other children who were visiting. I know when I entered the world my very first experience was getting a smack as doctor's believed if a baby didn't cry it hadn't started breathing and I didn't cry until I was smacked.

I was born in 1980 and lived in fear of my dad returning home from sea. Thankfully, working away, he wasn't around much because when he was home my mum, me and my sisters all walked on eggshells. He smacked us all for any reason he could find. I hated him. But now looking back I can see that he genuinely thought he was disciplining us, not abusing us. He's been dead 15 years now and I'm at peace with it all. I think it was very common back then sadly.

Born in '83 and got smacked regularly and threatened (although never actually hit with) "the wooden spoon". I hated it and will never lay a finger on my kids.

My DF was actually encouraging me the other day to consider smacking my 3-year-old! I said very sharply that I will never hit my children and he looked a bit shamefaced.

@Anythingbutsnow

Never smacked my kids (despite getting hit myself).

I do know what you mean though. I’ve always put in firm boundaries and consequences but my kids still behave for their dad more. (He doesn’t smack them) but his presence in the house is a good thing because they behave better.

They love him to bits, it makes me wonder is it an instinctive thing? Do kids behave better for dads?

I’m glad I’m not a single mum they would run me bloody ragged. Hats off to all doing it on their own by the way.

Same as you OP, born in 88. I was smacked as a child.

It makes me so angry because I know it was just my parents being stressed/angry with their own lives that when I was little and annoyed them or misbehaved, rather than reasoning with me appropriately, they'd react with a smack.

As a mum, I understand life is stressful with little kids but I NEVER take my frustration out on them in a physical way.

@Anythingbutsnow

..... But there are so many posts on here from mum's tearing their hair out because they are at their wits end with their kids behavior. I was smacked as a kid and I grew up into a happy, balanced adult. To me, it seemed like a quick, efficient method to teach right from wrong. I don't smack my kids now as I'm aware it's not acceptable, but my god the long drawn out process of naughty steps, no screen time etc etc do my head in!

Well, why are situations escalating to the point where they're tearing their hair out? That's the issue to resolve rather than bashing kids around once the parents have failed to manage the situation to stop it reaching that point.

Parenting does everyone's head in but we don't promote hitting children because we're too lazy to do it properly.

I was born in the 80s but in a European country where smacking had been outlawed since the 70s. I was never smacked and the idea of smacking was an alien concept - if someone said they’d been smacked by their parent, I’d have assumed that social services would come and remove them or something. I moved to England at 11 and suddenly heard peers talking all the time about being smacked, including with wooden spoons or belts and it was seen as normal. I thought it was so weird. I know that in my home country kids probably did get smacked behind closed doors but the public discourse around it was so incredibly different. If you said ‘I’m gonna batter my kid’ people would have looked at you like you had two heads whereas here, people would chuckle or nod knowingly.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s and my siblings and I were smacked a lot. My F used to smack us very hard and my DM says she always knew that he went too far. She says that she put a stop to it, I have no idea if she really did and she smacked us herself. She accepts that this was wrong and I know she’d never smack her DGC.

I think the biggest consequence was that the smacking made us afraid of our parents. Both of them, including my DM. The result of that was that my DSis and I didn’t feel able to tell her that our F was sexually abusing us as well. My DM can’t understand why we didn’t say anything to her at the time, as she always thought she was very approachable.

I don’t know whether I was damaged by being smacked on its own. I have cPTSD but obviously there were other things that were happening as well.

@LizzieW1969

I grew up in the 70s and 80s and my siblings and I were smacked a lot. My F used to smack us very hard and my DM says she always knew that he went too far. She says that she put a stop to it, I have no idea if she really did and she smacked us herself. She accepts that this was wrong and I know she’d never smack her DGC.

I think the biggest consequence was that the smacking made us afraid of our parents. Both of them, including my DM. The result of that was that my DSis and I didn’t feel able to tell her that our F was sexually abusing us as well. My DM can’t understand why we didn’t say anything to her at the time, as she always thought she was very approachable.

I don’t know whether I was damaged by being smacked on its own. I have cPTSD but obviously there were other things that were happening as well.

❤️

I was smacked a lot as a child - always my mum, never my dad as far as I remember.

I remember her slapping my legs so hard I had a hand print for ages - can't remember what I'd done. She would now tell you I was super well behaved but she didn't have a lot of patience I don't think.

Now I'm an adult we have a good relationship and I've let it go - I don't think it damaged me at all. My stepfather was abusive and I view that completely differently from my mum smacking me.

I don't smack my kids - I won't lie I've been on the point of it more than once but never crossed that line.

My mum is a lot more mellow now. She doesn't smack the kids. Actually she has smacked my son once. She tapped his hand when he was about to touch a hot pan. To be honest I am quite ambivalent about it given he could been scalded but I asked her not to do it again. She said it was a reflex and apologised and she's never done it again. She's, an excellent and loving grandma so I'm not going to let one slip spoil their relationship

It was normal in the 70s and 80s, although it was starting to be questioned. Sometimes a smack can be less damaging than a cruel word. But it sounds like you got too much of it.

My parents were not shit parents, lazy parents or any other unpleasant name you wish to call them. They were and are absolutely fucking brilliant parents and grandparents. They gave us a fabulous upbringing on very limited money, encouraging us to do well at school so we could have the opportunities that they didn't have. When we were adults and had our own kids they were supportive and totally doting GPS. They smacked not beat because that was considered the most effective way of parenting at the time. The same as parents now do what is considered the most effective parenting. I never feared them, I didn't want to get punished so I didn't do what was going to get me punished.

I was smacked I the 90s and regularly had things thrown at my head like slippers or remote controls. My mum also slapped me round the face. She stopped that when I was a teem and finally found the courage to slap her back. I don't have a lot of respect for my parents

@sweeneytoddsrazor

My parents were not shit parents, lazy parents or any other unpleasant name you wish to call them. They were and are absolutely fucking brilliant parents and grandparents. They gave us a fabulous upbringing on very limited money, encouraging us to do well at school so we could have the opportunities that they didn't have. When we were adults and had our own kids they were supportive and totally doting GPS. They smacked not beat because that was considered the most effective way of parenting at the time. The same as parents now do what is considered the most effective parenting. I never feared them, I didn't want to get punished so I didn't do what was going to get me punished.

I'm sure that we are all glad that in your case, your parents were able to offset this shit parenting elsewhere to a point that is acceptable and even desirable to you. Nobody wants a child to be damaged by shit parenting techniques.

I'm going to guess that despite all this, you still don't hit your own children.

DH was slapped with belts and slippers etc. His theory was it ‘taught him to behave when he was older’. Except his brother got the same treatment and was extremely badly behaved as a teen/young adult.
They were hit for any small infraction. I don’t think MIL was cut out for parenting as she also used to lock them in rooms from being newborns to teach them a lesson.
BIL didn’t hit his children but was extremely rough with them, it was upsetting to watch. His pushed his son around in order ‘to toughen him up’ he was, and is a very sensitive and well behaved boy, it was unnecessary (and he isn’t tough).

We don’t hit adults for answering back or accidentally knocking something over, I don’t see why we should with children.

@DrSbaitso no I don't hit my children because like you I imagine I have done my parenting to the best of my abilities within what is considered the best methods now. I hope that 20 or 30 years down the line if the accepted method of parenting is different to what it is today and todays methods are considered abusive you will be more than happy to be called a shit lazy parent.