To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

I’m prepared, I carry loads of useful stuff. I’m happy to help someone if, for whatever reason, they haven’t done the same. Seems mean not to.

I hate being cold and wet and can't bear a headache so I do wear appropriate clothing for the weather, and always carry paracetamol with me. That isn't being superior, just practical.

You do sound like Brown Owl..

People are different aren’t they, I can see it’s annoying but you won’t change her, so you might have to treat it as an opportunity to practice inner calm.

I’m prepared, I carry loads of useful stuff. I’m happy to help someone if, for whatever reason, they haven’t done the same. Seems mean not to.

I have never once denied someone one of my plasters, a couple of my painkillers, a chewing gum, a use of my portable phone charger.

What I get annoyed with, is the same people who constantly expect me to accommodate their needs time and time again because I am prepared with items and they are not.

The posters accusing me of being “mean” “weird” “superior” are almost as annoying as the behaviour I am trying to explain😂

@Gwenhwyfar

"I don't think they EXPECT you to accommodate them. It's probably more that they know you and what you're like: "oh, Flissypaps will have x, y or z so need for me to take some too"."

Well, that's expecting her to have things isn't it.

Kind of, I suppose. 😂. Perhaps I should have put the word “accommodate” in CAPS and not “expect”. There’s a subtle difference I reckon! The friend probably thinks “DFriend always carries everything but the kitchen sink so I don’t need to pack X” but i bet the friend would be equally happy to go out and buy said item if OP didn’t always have it and the need arose.

It’s ever so slight martyr-ish. “Oh how annoying, I’m always so prepared because no-one else is, and I have to provide them with EVERYTHING” kind of outlook.

@Supersimkin2

Freeloading isn’t a symptom of any mental disorder.

Glad someone agrees!

@CurlyhairedAssassin It’s ever so slight martyr-ish. “Oh how annoying, I’m always so prepared because no-one else is, and I have to provide them with EVERYTHING” kind of outlook.

I never said “no one else” is prepared.

I am prepared because of my own anxieties and obsessive thoughts of “what if XX happens. I’ll need to bring XX just incase”. I prepare myself with MY items for ME.

It Isn’t being matyr-ish at all.

I get annoyed when the SAME people EXPECT me to accommodate them time and time again because they KNOW that I am always prepared for various situations and they can’t be bothered to do so.

Do they really expect you to have all of this stuff though?

There is a difference between stamping your foot in rage that FlissyPaps has fallen short of their expectations and asking, if you have such and such with you, could they borrow it?

What I am asking is, what evidence do you have that they expect you to have all of this stuff? Has it ever happened that you didn't have a particular thing they needed? If so, what happened next?

@FlissyPaps

TBF with each post you sound like you just don't like her. You aren't wrong to dislike this trait about her - lots of people (often useless male partners) get pummelled on here for strategic incompetence and this is similar to an extent.

I don’t like the annoying and unprepared side to her.
But I do like her funny side, her good relationship advice side. I’ve said on a PP, when we meet up (now once/twice a year max) we do get along and have fun.

I’d be surprised at anyone who doesn’t get annoyed at some aspects of their friends tbh.

Hang on a minute, this thread is about a friend you see a couple of times a year?! I assumed your saw her at least every few weeks.

How does this occupy so much space in your head??

@mathanxiety

Do they really expect you to have all of this stuff though?

There is a difference between stamping your foot in rage that FlissyPaps has fallen short of their expectations and asking, if you have such and such with you, could they borrow it?

What I am asking is, what evidence do you have that they expect you to have all of this stuff? Has it ever happened that you didn't have a particular thing they needed? If so, what happened next?

It’s not them expecting me to have XYZ. It’s more of them knowing I have certain items and then expecting me to accommodate them with it. If that makes sense.

Like the umbrella. They know I have one, so expect me to share with them. (I have no problem with this, I’d hate for them to get wet) But then they complain I’m holding it too high and their arm is getting wet. Despite an obvious height difference and the fact they can’t be bothered to nip into a shop and buy and hold their own umbrella at a suitable height for them.

Also the water bottle example. They know I have room in my bag and because their bag isn’t big enough for a bottle they expect me to carry there bottle round for them.

If they know they’re wanting to have a drink then bring a bag that is big enough or be an adult and carry your own stuff!!

Just pure laziness and cheekyfuckery really. That’s what I get annoyed at.

*Hang on a minute, this thread is about a friend you see a couple of times a year?! I assumed your saw her at least every few weeks.

How does this occupy so much space in your head??*

Yeah, we met and lived together at university but now live at opposite sides of the country so now only meet up once maybe twice a year for a planned weekend.

I’m meeting up with her this weekend and when thinking about packing my things and what to bring, the idea to post the thread came to my mind.

Doesn’t occupy much space in my head really. I hope that’s ok with you 😊

@FlissyPaps

Or she might be just thoughtless. I’m not diagnosing her, I’m just giving a different perspective, that might not have occurred to you.

Appreciate the comment, however the thread was not for people to armchair diagnose my friend on the sole information I provide.

I wanted to know if other people got annoyed with CFs who expect me to provide for them and accommodate them just because I am more organised.

But that’s not what your OP said. It said does unpreparedness annoy you. So you will get people explaining that unpreparedness is not always deliberate. Your examples have evolved too, from ‘can you carry my water’ to ‘can I borrow your bottle, get someone in a shop to fill it, and then you carry it for me’. You also don’t appear to want to hear anything apart from ‘yes you are right are she is awful’.

I don’t see why you’d be friends with someone who you think is a cunt. If she’s that bad, why is she your friend?

@BungleandGeorge

A lot of us are neurodiverse/ have ND friends and family. It’s still possible to be organised for routine events. It may be harder work involving checklists, pre-planning, voice notes or whatever. Most of us are quite ingenious with our methods. If something is different to normal/ unexpected it’s much more difficult. But routine items it’s not that difficult to have a bag packed ready, google list of contents. Or buy whatever item you need from a shop. It’s not up to friends to constantly provide every item you require. She’s just taking the Mickey

I realise this is just one comment in a whole paragraph, but for some of us it is hard to remember routine stuff. I’m so bad that I have a checklist on my front door and on the steering wheel of my car because I will forget the front door one often. I’m definitely better now than pre-diagnosis as I’ve had help to organise myself, but seriously my life was exhausting chaos for years.

@FlissyPaps

Seems like you don't want to hear that there may be reasons for the way she behaves, you just want to be irritated with her

A psychologist can decide on the reasons for the way she behaves.

I am not a psychologist, I am her friend.

Why am I not allowed to be irritated with someone who lacks to prepare for events and then is a CF about it and expects me to allow it because there may be “ADHD”.

I never use my anxiety or OCD as an excuse for being a CF in situations. So why should I sit back and allow someone to take the piss over things such as water bottles and umbrellas.

Hmm. Use it as a reason you can’t say no though, eh? If she doesn’t know it bothers you, then you can’t really blame her for carrying on with a dynamic that’s been around for however long. To still remember so clearly the umbrella incident years later is a little OTT when you say it doesn’t occupy your head.

@FlissyPaps probably wouldn't meet up with them. My best friend however if I am organised I will always prioritise her girls and vice Versa as one of us will be unprepared for a situation at some pint either food, drink, clothes. But my best friends kids are my best girls and I will always look after them the same as mine, that's what good friends do. If I'm at the park with someone I don't want to share a brolly with them I shouldn't be there at all

@FlissyPaps

*Hang on a minute, this thread is about a friend you see a couple of times a year?! I assumed your saw her at least every few weeks.

How does this occupy so much space in your head??*

Yeah, we met and lived together at university but now live at opposite sides of the country so now only meet up once maybe twice a year for a planned weekend.

I’m meeting up with her this weekend and when thinking about packing my things and what to bring, the idea to post the thread came to my mind.

Doesn’t occupy much space in my head really. I hope that’s ok with you 😊

It does thought doesn’t it?!

Judging by this thread.

I don’t see why you’d be friends with someone who you think is a cunt. If she’s that bad, why is she your friend?

Please quote me where I said she was a cunt?

I have said on previous posts, when we do see each other we have a good time whilst doing shared interests. Her unpreparedness and her expecting me to accommodate her with my stuff annoys me. I’m not going to stop being friends with someone for it.

A lot of people are missing the point of my posts.

It isn’t about how do I stop this person’s behaviour. How can I speak up. How can I find a voice. I see my therapist for that shit😂

My point of the thread was “is it unreasonable to be annoyed with other people’s unpreparedness”. But lots of interesting reading thanks MN’ers.

I look forward to my weekend with my cunt friend as I will feel superior knowing I have packed my whole house and shed whilst she cries on the sidelines as she has to carry her own drink.

YABU, because you can just say no.
People will always be CF’s.
Also I’m laughing at all the ‘executive function and disorganised comments. I have ADD and manage to have most things (can’t imagine constantly needing plasters tho!) if I can do it, anybody can lol

also I rarely get annoyed with other people’s traits that I can say no to. Might be just me, but I’m not ‘nice’ or #bekind at all.
I’m only annoyed at things I can’t solve, like parents letting kids run amok in a restaurant for example 😎

@Luredbyapomegranate
It does thought doesn’t it?! Judging by this thread.

Because, as I said previously, I am meeting up with her this weekend. So the thoughts popped into my head as I was packing.

Before I started packing I’d not even thought twice about it.

Am I not allowed to have certain annoyances with a friend? Do you have friends who can say you“never ever get annoyed with”, even really small things?

@jokalyn not sure if you’ve read my previous posts. It’s not about “not wanting to share a brolly”.

It’s about them expecting me to share it but then complain they’re still getting wet due to an obvious height difference and not being prepared to buy their own brolly when given the chance.

It’s not about me not wanting to share. If someone has a paper cut or blister I’m the first to offer a plaster. If someone has eaten garlic and is conscious of their breath I’m the first to offer a mint. If someone has a splitting headache or has come on their period I’m the first to offer painkillers or a period pad.

I’m talking about the people who continuously don’t bother to prepare themselves and expect me to accommodate them with the stuff they know I have. They aren’t one-off incidents.

@FlissyPaps I totally hear you. The umbrella one especially. It’s not like it’s a surprise it rains in Manchester!

With the carrying stuff for her issue, I tend to keep a folded up plastic bad in my bad (you can kind of fold them into a triangle, keeps them small and tidy) and then if anyone says “can you carry this for me” I can be all “aha! I have a bag you can use”. Nice, reasonable people are super grateful. CFs (who wanted me to have the hassle) look miffed 😂

*Plastic bag, not bad 😂

@FlissyPaps no I get you! I'm not entertaining that, and if they're expecting that then I'll not sharing or meeting them again really