To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

Went to a Paris for a day with a friend -rain forecast so told her to take sm umbrella.I did and dfe didn’t as she said it would be annoying to lug around all day. In the evening sure enough it pissed down was bloody irritating having her huddling under mine as we walked around. On other trips I took a pacamac rather than an umbrella…

I recognise myself in you, OP. I'm also usually (over)-prepared. Ready for any situation. Fully worked out plan. And Plan B. And Plan C. It's taken me a while to come to the realisation that that in itself is an expression of anxiety too. Of feeling unable to cope with unexpected situations and therefore trying to avoid such situations by being prepared for every eventuality.

Yes, I'd find your friend super annoying, but could it be that if you weren't there your friend would respond to these situations differently? For example, if it starts to pour with rain would she have otherwise/normally gone into a shop for a bit of a browse while waiting for the rain to stop? Would she normally not have bothered buying a bottle of water but get a drink in a cafe instead?

I'm sure your friend manages perfectly fine when you're not there. So perhaps it's partly your over-preparedness that makes her (re)act differently than she normally would? I'm not saying she's not annoying, but I can see how your opposing tendencies means you get into this weird dependency relations where she's constantly asking you for stuff.

I remember this when my kids were younger. I always used to pack drinks, snacks, sunscreen, spare layers, gloves etc and I was often surprised at my friends not bringing water to a park on a hot summer's day.

It did piss me off sometimes because invariably it meant that I over packed so that I'd have enough for everyone.

You're someone who is prepared (partly probably because of your OCD and anxiety). Your friend isn't someone who values being prepared. Being angry with her is like being angry with the grass for being green. People are who they are.
I'm someone who prepares so I'm more like you but I find my smugness and superiority help to keep me dry if the umbrella goes a bit awry
If everyone was as super as us, we couldn't feel as superior and in control. We'd need to unlock boss levels of over-preparedness and that would be exhausting.

I worked with a colleague like this, every week she would ask me for ibuprofen, went on for weeks, in the end I just said I didn’t have any.

@FlissyPaps

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

To be honest I'd class most of these examples as just being what a good friend is, people are different, not everyone will think like you do, I think you're overreacting a bit.

Maybe if you think it'll ruin your friendship have a chat with them about it but there's worse things your friend could ask of you than to borrow a charger or share an umbrella!

It’s more of them knowing I have certain items and then expecting me to accommodate them with it. If that makes sense.

Like the umbrella. They know I have one, so expect me to share with them.

Also the water bottle example. They know I have room in my bag and because their bag isn’t big enough for a bottle they expect me to carry there bottle round for them.

How exactly do they show you or convey to you that they expect you to provide/do all of this for them?

Do they ask directly?

Do they ask rudely?

Do they simply stick the water bottle out in your direction and expect you to grasp it and figure out what to do with it?

I am getting a sense that there are assumptions being made about the thought process of the other person which may or may not be true. This is really a boundary thing.

It’s not about me not wanting to share. If someone has a paper cut or blister I’m the first to offer a plaster. If someone has eaten garlic and is conscious of their breath I’m the first to offer a mint. If someone has a splitting headache or has come on their period I’m the first to offer painkillers or a period pad.

This is a boundary problem too. You are in the company of adults. Let them sort themselves out?

Is it important to you to retain control over situations to the point where your bag is stuffed with items to cover all eventualities?

How would you feel if a friend had a sudden need for a plaster and you had used your last one on a blister?

Would you be able to handle any distress inherent to that situation or would your problem solver persona be kicked into high gear and would you panic if you couldn't help?

Where does your problem solver persona come from? It seems to be almost a compulsion, and it is causing you quite a lot of unhappiness and resentment. Do you think your urge to be prepared for any eventuality both for yourself and for your friends is a defense against possible feelings of vulnerability or weakness?

@mathanxiety

It’s not about me not wanting to share. If someone has a paper cut or blister I’m the first to offer a plaster. If someone has eaten garlic and is conscious of their breath I’m the first to offer a mint. If someone has a splitting headache or has come on their period I’m the first to offer painkillers or a period pad.

This is a boundary problem too. You are in the company of adults. Let them sort themselves out?

Is it important to you to retain control over situations to the point where your bag is stuffed with items to cover all eventualities?

How would you feel if a friend had a sudden need for a plaster and you had used your last one on a blister?

Would you be able to handle any distress inherent to that situation or would your problem solver persona be kicked into high gear and would you panic if you couldn't help?

Where does your problem solver persona come from? It seems to be almost a compulsion, and it is causing you quite a lot of unhappiness and resentment. Do you think your urge to be prepared for any eventuality both for yourself and for your friends is a defense against possible feelings of vulnerability or weakness?

As I’ve said multiple times in my previous posts I am in therapy for severe anxiety and OCD.

I don’t stuff my bag with items for other people or to solve other people’s problems. I do it for myself. To put my mind at ease. I have constant obsessive thoughts such as “what if X happens? I will need to bring/pack X with me just incase”.

How would you feel if a friend had a sudden need for a plaster and you had used your last one on a blister?

I’d feel fine. I’d simply tell them we can go and find the nearest pharmacy if they need one desperately.

As I’ve said in previous posts, I pack MY stuff for ME. I bring a bag big enough to hold MY items.

Why is it such an issue for me to be annoyed when the same people expect me to accommodate them because they can’t be bothered to accommodate themselves.

I really am dammed if I do dammed if I don’t.

I get called “mean” and “weird” by posters who assume I don’t share anything with my friends. Then when I attempt to justify I am happy to share things with my friends I’m told “You are in the company of adults let them sort themselves out”.

@FlissyPaps just say no to carrying anything for her. Tell her the bag gets heavy and hurts your shoulder, especially as it’s a water bottle (or anything else that’s heavy). I wouldn’t deny anyone paracetamol if they were in pain. Asking to borrow someone’s lipstick is weird.

You can't control your friend, but, you can control how you react to your friend.

That's where your power is.

You've admitted you suffer from severe anxiety and OCD and it sounds like you are expecting your friend to think and behave as you do when they won't because they're not you, just as you don't understand them not being prepared for all eventualities because you're not them.

If you think it's going to ruin your friendship, I would talk to them about it.

If a friend came to me and told me they were annoyed I expected to share their umbrella or borrow their phone charger, I would reevaluate whether I wanted to be friends with that person. It comes across as being very minor and selfish, however if I understood you had OCD/anxiety causing you to feel so strongly about these things, I would, if I considered you a friend I didn't want to lose, try to be more organised in future.

Friendship is a balancing act of give and take between people, but it has to be communicated in a way that leaves no opportunity for misunderstanding.

Maybe try think of the things your friend gives you, not necessarily material things but what the positives are that this friend has, why are you friends in the first place. Are they a good listener, give good advice, make you laugh?

We all have our good points and a shortfalls. Try to see the good too is all I am saying.

I’m like you, but I’ve come to the conclusion that most people don’t come prepared with umbrellas, plasters etc (including DH!!)

I refuse to carry people’s stuff in my bag though ‘in case I lose it, you know what i’m like’ (I used to and I’ve accidentally forgotten to give stuff back or their sunglasses get squashed and they blamed me!) I keep a folded carrier bag which I offer them instead!

My DC is the worst for ‘mum will you carry this/that, my back pack’s too heavy, I need a plaster, can I share your umbrella’ etc.

I’d feel mean denying someone a plaster or a paracetamol though.

Also have an excuse re the portable charger (I often say mine has a loose wire or dodgy port that makes it fragile or not much charge left).

But most portable chargers will give around 6 full charges so if we were in a cafe and they just needed it for half an hour, on a flat surface, I wouldn’t mind.

@VeronicaFranklin

You can't control your friend, but, you can control how you react to your friend.

That's where your power is.

You've admitted you suffer from severe anxiety and OCD and it sounds like you are expecting your friend to think and behave as you do when they won't because they're not you, just as you don't understand them not being prepared for all eventualities because you're not them.

If you think it's going to ruin your friendship, I would talk to them about it.

If a friend came to me and told me they were annoyed I expected to share their umbrella or borrow their phone charger, I would reevaluate whether I wanted to be friends with that person. It comes across as being very minor and selfish, however if I understood you had OCD/anxiety causing you to feel so strongly about these things, I would, if I considered you a friend I didn't want to lose, try to be more organised in future.

Friendship is a balancing act of give and take between people, but it has to be communicated in a way that leaves no opportunity for misunderstanding.

Maybe try think of the things your friend gives you, not necessarily material things but what the positives are that this friend has, why are you friends in the first place. Are they a good listener, give good advice, make you laugh?

We all have our good points and a shortfalls. Try to see the good too is all I am saying.

I appreciate your comment, however if you have read all my PPs you would have seen it’s much more than being annoyed at lending someone an umbrella or a phone charger.

Of course I don’t mind lending someone something. I’m happy to help people where I can.

It’s the fact that the friend constantly expects me to accommodate them as they never come prepared.

Maybe try think of the things your friend gives you, not necessarily material things but what the positives are that this friend has, why are you friends in the first place. Are they a good listener, give good advice, make you laugh? We all have our good points and a shortfalls. Try to see the good too is all I am saying.

Please read the full thread and all my Previous posts and you will see I have listed the qualities I like about them and the fun we have doing our shared interests.

Sorry but it’s exhausting having to read the same type of posts.

I have never once said I am worried about the friendship being ruined. I have said multiple times that since leaving uni this friend and I live at opposite ends of the country and we only meet up once or twice a year now.

The thread was made to see if it was unreasonable to be annoyed at someone who is constantly unprepared but expects me to accommodate them just because I choose to come prepared.

Not to be questioned over the friendship and be told
to “try to see the good too”. I can see the good. But the thread is not about “the good”.

I’d feel mean denying someone a plaster or a paracetamol though.

I’ve said multiple times I have never denied someone a plaster or a paracetamol.

I’m not greedy. I’m not selfish. It isn’t me “not wanting to share” or “denying a plaster or paracetamol”. It is being annoyed at the same person who constantly expects me to accommodate her as I am always prepared and they can’t be bothered to.

I feel like a broken record.

I HATE sharing personal items like hair brushes and hair bobbles..... it feels so grimy......

YABU because she isn’t unprepared.
She is very prepared.
If she needs something, she knows she can just go and ask someone and she is likely to get a YES because you know, most people don’t say NO for the sake of it.
Like the example of the pen and the tutor, filling the water bottle at Costa etc…
And for the things she REALLY can’t do Wo (like the example of her ID), she always has it! No issue!

She has a brass neck. That’s who she is. But she isn’t unprepared, far from it. (And people, not just you, allow her to run the show….)

Slight derail but why do so many people have to be carrying/drinking water continually? I just can’t imagine being so thirsty that I couldn’t wait until I got to wherever I was going to get a drink (unless out for a big walk). To be fair, I also can’t think why I would need to carry around bobbles, paracetamol, plasters etc I honestly can’t think of a time when I have needed these so urgently whilst out and about that having them in my bag to have to hand immediately was necessary.

The thread was made to see if it was unreasonable to be annoyed at someone who is constantly unprepared but expects me to accommodate them just because I choose to come prepared.

Yes but I don't know why you asked that question because you're clearly very certain that you're reasonable to be annoyed. Did you just want a thread full of people saying how awful your friend sounded?

@Evilcountspatula

Slight derail but why do so many people have to be carrying/drinking water continually? I just can’t imagine being so thirsty that I couldn’t wait until I got to wherever I was going to get a drink (unless out for a big walk). To be fair, I also can’t think why I would need to carry around bobbles, paracetamol, plasters etc I honestly can’t think of a time when I have needed these so urgently whilst out and about that having them in my bag to have to hand immediately was necessary.

It is pretty normal to carry water, the prinicple being 'if you are thirsty when you get there you got dehydrated on the way'.

It is widely accepted to be healthier to drink throughout the day, it benefits brain function and prevents things like UTIs.

Also I carry water so I never have to buy a plastic bottle of water.

Buy them a bigger bag for their next birthday- a nice one with several pockets. Fill the pockets with paracetamol/ bobbles/ plasters etc . Add a water bottle or maybe an umbrella if you're feeling generous.

@Evilcountspatula

Slight derail but why do so many people have to be carrying/drinking water continually? I just can’t imagine being so thirsty that I couldn’t wait until I got to wherever I was going to get a drink (unless out for a big walk). To be fair, I also can’t think why I would need to carry around bobbles, paracetamol, plasters etc I honestly can’t think of a time when I have needed these so urgently whilst out and about that having them in my bag to have to hand immediately was necessary.

Completely agree with this. Since applepay became a thing I've taken to going out with just my phone and my keys most of the time. How often are we cutting ourselves that we need plasters at all times? I'd only pack a bag of drinks and a charger etc if we were going somewhere remote for the day.

*It is being annoyed at the same person who constantly expects me to accommodate her as I am always prepared and they can’t be bothered to.

I feel like a broken record.*

Unfortunately that is MN for you. Many can’t be bothered to click to read all OP’s posts after waiting for such a function for years.

YANBU though.

The reason you sound like a broken record is because you are stuck in a circular loop as you are denying your own part in this dynamic and posters are responding to that.

You could change the situation by just saying 'sorry, I haven't got one to spare' but you won't. It is your choice to perpetuate it, for whatever reason.

So a “friend” you see once or twice a year forgot her umbrella and you’ve been up all night posting about it?!

It is such a non event, this is mental.