To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

@VeronicaFranklin

You can't control your friend, but, you can control how you react to your friend.

That's where your power is.

You've admitted you suffer from severe anxiety and OCD and it sounds like you are expecting your friend to think and behave as you do when they won't because they're not you, just as you don't understand them not being prepared for all eventualities because you're not them.

If you think it's going to ruin your friendship, I would talk to them about it.

If a friend came to me and told me they were annoyed I expected to share their umbrella or borrow their phone charger, I would reevaluate whether I wanted to be friends with that person. It comes across as being very minor and selfish, however if I understood you had OCD/anxiety causing you to feel so strongly about these things, I would, if I considered you a friend I didn't want to lose, try to be more organised in future.

Friendship is a balancing act of give and take between people, but it has to be communicated in a way that leaves no opportunity for misunderstanding.

Maybe try think of the things your friend gives you, not necessarily material things but what the positives are that this friend has, why are you friends in the first place. Are they a good listener, give good advice, make you laugh?

We all have our good points and a shortfalls. Try to see the good too is all I am saying.

Great post

The thread was made to see if it was unreasonable to be annoyed at someone who is constantly unprepared but expects me to accommodate them just because I choose to come prepared.

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed at someone who expects you to come prepared so they don't have to everytime you meet.

You are being unreasonable for continuing to fulfil her expectations and then be annoyed by it.

I was like this OP for many years with many different friends for various reasons and their responses ranged from telling me nicely that their bag was heavy so they couldnt carry my water bottle to buying me my own water bottle as a gift. I didn't expect that from them but was grateful for their openess with me as it meant we could continue to enjoy the friendship.

The issue here is you feel resentful of your friend as you feel she expects it from you. Are you worried the friendship will change if you point out carrying her water bottle and sharing an umbrella are annoying you?

Does she know about your anxiety/OCD? I think a real friend would be understanding if you said it made you feel used and disrespected.

Good luck OP hope you have a good time with your friend this weekend.

This reminds me of that TV show starring Helen Hunt called 'Mad About You'. She had all the stuff you mention (not mobile chargers as mobiles didn't exist), anything she might need to get her through the day, in her bag, which she inadvertently switched with her disorganised sister who had the same one. By the end of the day they reconnect - Helen looking like she had been through a hedge backwards but her sister all polished and relaxed, as everything she needed throughout the day was to hand.
People make choices, and one can choose whether to be prepared for different eventualities. I don't buy 'I'm just not that type of person'. You are adults people, get it together.

I’m amused by how much grief OP is getting. It’s not her fault people have poor planning skills. I can see why she gets annoyed and is sick of people trying to get the benefits of her organisation.

I would ’manage’ the friend if it’s really annoying you. If they ask for a hair bobble/plaster/pain killer-say you haven’t got one. If you want to charge your phone, plug it into the portable charger discreetly inside your bag so you’re not drawing attention to having one. She will then have to start taking ownership of her own stuff, or go without-at the mowing she doesn’t have to, because you are enabling her.

@iBrows

So a “friend” you see once or twice a year forgot her umbrella and you’ve been up all night posting about it?!

It is such a non event, this is mental.

It's happened many times. The friend did no just forget her umbrella once - she never carries anything and expects OP to make up for it.

@FlissyPaps

I don’t see why you’d be friends with someone who you think is a cunt. If she’s that bad, why is she your friend?

Please quote me where I said she was a cunt?

I have said on previous posts, when we do see each other we have a good time whilst doing shared interests. Her unpreparedness and her expecting me to accommodate her with my stuff annoys me. I’m not going to stop being friends with someone for it.

A lot of people are missing the point of my posts.

It isn’t about how do I stop this person’s behaviour. How can I speak up. How can I find a voice. I see my therapist for that shit😂

My point of the thread was “is it unreasonable to be annoyed with other people’s unpreparedness”. But lots of interesting reading thanks MN’ers.

I look forward to my weekend with my cunt friend as I will feel superior knowing I have packed my whole house and shed whilst she cries on the sidelines as she has to carry her own drink.

You’ve referred to her as a CF through the whole thread.

I have a friend who NEVER brought her own water. After complaining to another friend about this, I then realised I had to say something ( as it’s not fair to moan behind a friends back) so I just said before the next walk bring yr own bottle of water. I’m not carrying water for two& I need all of mine. You can and should say this. Or, bring an extra bottle for her, but say in advance I’m not carrying it for you. Or give the whole bag to her to carry.
It’s actually fine to say ‘I don’t want to’ about something you don’t want to do. Just be very deadpan-‘no, I don’t want to do carry yr water. You don’t even have to say because it’s heavy.
I was generally quite well prepared, and don’t mind sharing plasters etc as long as I don’t need them myself. Sharing umbrellas is tricky, unless yr glued to the other person.

It is extremely annoying when someone is always unprepared and don’t learn which infuriates me. One woman in a small group of friends, before contactless became de rigeur, never had anything less than a wad of £20 notes. No coins, no fivers, no tenners: drove me mad. Never had change for public loos, never had change to share the tip, could never chip in the right money for her share of the meal or the taxi.
No, she wasn’t tight or expected anyone else to pay. Sometimes she would end up chipping in more. She was an idiot. I had no time for her eventually ( there were other issues, too!) 😄

Sorry. It’s not bad to be annoyed at others unpreparedness. It is annoying. But as you so obviously know -it’s small beer.

You are very like me and it's nothing to be sorry for. I think it's rude to go out unprepared and expect everyone else to sort things out for them. I have anxiety and make sure that I've covered everything after things that have happened to me in the past.
I'm not smug or think I'm better than others but I've been taken advantage of because of this when others are just too lazy to think ahead for themselves.

Yes, it drives me mad.... But I actually envy people who wing it. They don't burden themselves with massive bags and carry round stuff which they don't need 9/10 of the time. I always overpack and have massive handbags. And I often can't lift my suitcase. It can be a nightmare on public transport! I've just returned from a weekend visiting family in France and really wished I hadn't taken so much stuff! It was a nightmare in London and Paris on the underground. I wish I had the courage to travel light and just make do! And yes, I do end up helping out others, such as my son, who is very unprepared. So now I just get him to carry my stuff! I do the thinking, he does the lifting! I was spoilt (before covid19) by always cruising. They take care of all your luggage and there are no weight limits. Independent travel is much harder....

Lol I can relate to this, my bag has been called Mary Poppins as I always seem to have plasters, my Swiss army knife kit, painkillers, poop bags, cough sweets... only a small handbag but essentials x

Interesting thread. I go around almost completely “unprepared”, but I just make do. I wouldn’t ask friends for plasters or painkillers etc. If I can buy something on the fly, great, if not I’ll just survive without it.

I do however now cart around a whole backpack of crap for my DS. Today I had to ask my mum for a plaster for him, so I guess that’s one more thing to add to the backpack

I'm mean and would say no.

Purplesequins

Accommodating!

My husband takes the piss out of me for it. I don’t care. It’s always me he looks to when he needs something or things go tits up.

I'm like you OP and I do think it stems from anxiety. I'm a very prepared person, but also check things I know I have 5/6 times and wake up with stomach aches the night behind a trip worrying I've not packed something (always have). DD has ADHD (the inattentive type) and is like my polar opposite. It's quite stressful trying to manage her disorganisation and remember everything for both of us at all times. I feel your pain!

Remember son saying on holiday I had a magic bag. Whatever the eventuality, I had something in my little backpack to sort it. Maybe it was girl guide ‘be prepared’ background!

The trouble with friends like the one OP has, is that they view other people as their service humans. And therefore never need to think for themselves or plan what they may need. Other people are simply there to service all their needs. So why would they change? What's in it for them if they did? Nothing, so they never do.

It sounds like you would fit right into the Jewish community, welcome.

I don’t like the smugness around always being prepared - frankly, I try my best but don’t always have everything that could possibly be needed. However, it must be annoying that it is always the same friend who capitalises on your preparedness.

@FreddieMercurysCat

My husband takes the piss out of me for it. I don’t care. It’s always me he looks to when he needs something or things go tits up.

That's the thing, people are their to go, why u need x,y,z, yet then the next is, can I borrow or use x etc

Shouldn’t be taking a trip with her if this annoys you YANBU but it’s bound to come come out in an argument

I'm in total agreement with you OP.
Some people I know are so disorganised I really don't know how they get through life
However I refuse to let their problem become mine.