To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

'you are not being unreasonable They are either thoughtless or too used to you being organised.

I'm not quite as organised as you but it has become the assumption as I am a Rainbow /Guide Leader ach you organise the taxis home and all that stuff coz your good at it. Aye no bother there Sharon and Betty I be t one that doesn't get pissed or cop off so all get home safe

YANBU, gets on my nerves too.

I'm older now, and pack for everything in accordance with exactly what I think I will need, and expect others to do the same. I will give up what I have to others if their need is more pressing. The only exception to this rule is for my 4 (now all 16+) children who do my head in by packing badly despite encouragement, lists and "early warnings", I suppose it is a parent's lot. My worst "panic" buy was shoes when they were younger ! We got them in the car in their PJs and slippers to travel to a caravan, then realised when they got there they had nothing to wear on their feet. Nearest small-ish town was 15 miles away and only open the next day, and the choices of footwear were. at best, grim I've rambled, but unless you are directly responsible for the person you don't need to think about them and their needs. If they get lucky through your good planning, then cool (but yes, I would be rolling my eyes !) xx

How does the friend express out loud that she expects you to have all of this crap?

What does she say?

How does she convey this to you?

Had a "friend" of mine call me a "granny" because I had reusable bags in my purse incase I needed them while shopping (we're both 26) I ignored her.. later that day she was struggling with no bags for her shopping (and she refused to buy bags) she has the nerve to say to me "I think you have to give me one of your bags so I can carry this all home in"

I had a good laugh at that 😂
But usually I enjoy being prepared and helping people out if they need something she just didn't deserve it 😂

I take the smallest cross-body bag possible, enough to fit 1 card, 1 x £5 note, a folded carrier bag, pack of tissues and 1 house key on a ring. If the weather app says rain 70% or more likely in the area I'm going to, then I'll take the small telescopic umbrella and a string bag. I hate taking the kitchen sink. It weighs you down and is bad for posture and your health. I prefer having both hands free.

I rarely take my mobile out when shopping. Why would I want a conversation in public?

My bag is a running joke. Because I am prepared for everything, you name it, it is in my bag. Often with a look of bewilderment from the person asking for the item. My car is also prepared for all sorts of emergencies.

I used to work for a woman that always seemed to start her period at work. She was never prepared for it. Every month like clock work she came to me for sanitary towels. Thats how I knew she was pregnant before she did.

@imisscashmere

Interesting thread. I go around almost completely “unprepared”, but I just make do. I wouldn’t ask friends for plasters or painkillers etc. If I can buy something on the fly, great, if not I’ll just survive without it.

I do however now cart around a whole backpack of crap for my DS. Today I had to ask my mum for a plaster for him, so I guess that’s one more thing to add to the backpack

@imisscashmere - that's how I ended up being more prepared, the stuff I needed to cart for the kids became more that it just ended up being my bag contents and tended to mean I had grown up issues covered too. I now do the little pouches thing that someone on here suggested, instead of having everything shoved in your bag loose, put the stuff in a selection of small pouches in your bag so at least more organised.

one has a small first aid kit (mainly things like plasters and painkillers and hay-fever tabs), one has san pro, one has masks to fit the various family face shapes, one has odds and sods - so from memory, tiny tube of cream for dds eczema (that makes excellent handcream), lip balm, antibacterial gel, nail file, tiny pack of wet wipes and pack of tissues. Pretty sure there's something else I cant remember in it... this means I just have to move the pouches from one bag to another without thinking about what I need to pack.

Haven't rtft but DH never, never, never thinks to take a mask out with him - he always relies on my having spares. Good job I love him!

You sound like your friends PA, not exactly a friend at all.

You said “small things”
So if she’s your friend then do those small things actually matter. You could see it as being prepared for her as well as yourself as I’m sure she brings other things to the table or you wouldn’t be friends with her.
Also, you could just say no to some of the things.
And what would actually happen if you didn’t take an umbrella? OMG, you’d both get wet.
I think YABU, just a little bit

Other people's unpreparedness becoming my problem really pisses me off too. I work in an office where the heating and air con are a flipping nightmare so I have a range of layers I can put on and take off...micro fleece, wrap, even a hot water bottle for when it's really chilly. I'm always being asked by the chilly bones in the office for a loan of my stuff. I'm incredulous that you can work day in day out, knowing how changeable the temperature is and not be arsed to bring in a cardi. And don't get me started on stamps, paracetamol and Rennies!

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

You and I have bag contents of a very similar nature.

I have no idea how pine cones could come in handy but welcome suggestions. Maybe we need to add catapult to the mix?

I put YABU just because I feel that you are being unreasonable to not say something. If you don’t pull her up in it she has no reason to stop being so dependant on you for those things you complain about. People treat you how you let them is what comes to mind. Or start doing what she does to you beforehand. Ask her for paracetamol and the likes and when she says she hasn’t got them give her a reply like she does you if you don’t have her requested item. A little petty yes; but if you don’t have the confidence to just talk to her maybe that will help her become less reliant

I think I get my preparedness from being a Brownie & growing up in a single parent family, where i was as the eldest of 5. We had very little money so if we went out we had to remember to take stuff with us or go without.
Now it is an anxiety issue since I had a child & had very little money myself in that I actually panic if I am out & I don’t have something with me.
I always have an emergency bag in my car boot which contains changes of clothes, medicines, 1st aid kit, hair removal roller, towel, wipes, hair brush etc.
I always have a ball, scooter, bubbles, frisbee or some sort of free entertainment in boot or my bag incase of boredom.
I have a box of non perishable snacks in the car, bring easy to carry food with me in my bag, as I have a dairy & gluten intolerance, & a child who never stops eating & I even bring a flask of hot water, milk, tea bags & massive bottles of cold water with me on long journeys.
I’m the person everyone comes to in an emergency & I like that I am seen as the helpful, responsible one but I get where you are coming from. It is hard for me to leave the house without being prepared these days but I am thankful for my skill as it makes my life easier… in some ways.

I always get the mick taken out of me if I have gone on holiday or away for the weekend with friends that I have the biggest bag! But then as the time goes on everyone is like, ooh can i borrow your hair dryer/straighteners/plasters/make up/shoes/outfits/this that or the other and I’m like, oh yeah funny now how much stuff I bring isn’t it, everyone needs to borrow my stuff from me! Doesn’t annoy me, just makes me laugh 🤣

stop being so accommodating, just say no if anyone asks.
I'm usually very prepared but if I'm out with a certain relative I don't fret as much as she's worse than me at being prepared, so I don't bother.

Squidgiing uncomfortably under a single umbrella is just what you do with a friend, surely.

Other than that they sound less prepared than one of my teenage DDs. I don't mind being the "mum" though in a group of friends or people borrowing stuff (reasonably). I might sometimes forget something myself.

YANBU

its really not that hard to think ahead and be prepared. I’m someone with chronic health issues, pain fatigue, brain fog. I know I can’t think on the spot like I use to and will easily forget things on my way out the door so I prepare myself for the basics. I can’t use big handbags, I can just about cope with a small cross over bag these days and I only bring them because I need to. I have 3 small crossover bags, each contains my main pain pills, plus paracetamol, antihistamines, plasters, Imodium, anti anxiety pills, miniature sudocrem, tissues, hand wipes, hand sanitizer, pen, one of my lipsticks, 2 trolley coins, folded carry bag and glasses wipes. I only ever use a small coin purse, I usually carry this in my Jeans pocket, this also has my strong pain meds, Imodium and glasses wipes, some cash and my bank card. All my coats also have the basics I may need, mainly tissues, wipes and trolley coins. I leave all these things in them so I know I have always got them. I also keep a cool box in my car with bottles water and snacks for my DCs. So like today when I was flustered leaving the house with 3 DCs I got to my destination, a petting zoo and realised we forgot water bottles and snacks, it wasn’t a big deal as I knew I had some in the car and we wouldn’t have to pay over the odds prices. I also didn’t think about sun care before leaving the house, but luckily for me I also keep a bag of spare clothes and hats in the car.

a lot of my preparation comes from being tight, I absolutely hate paying ridiculous prices for a bottle of water or a snack when I can bring it from home for a fraction of the price. Also, me not having my meds can be the difference between my family having a good time or having to go home early. Today I started to really struggle but I was able to sit down and take some pain meds I had in my bag while my DCs were climbing over a play area, eat a bit of chocolate and 20 mins later I was ok to continue rather than be in so much pain I’d need to get home because I didn’t have the foresight to bring any pain meds with me.

Jesus woman just say no! 🤣

I think I struggle to empathise because I lack this thing of being 'too polite' to say 'no' anymore.

If it was a once in a blue moon thing I wouldn't mind but if it was constant as you describe I would be thick about it and they would be told to paddle their own canoe. I was prepared, you weren't. Tough.

In my first proper job I got known as the person who was always prepared. I carry a bag that is a bit of a tardis, it contains everything: plasters, handcream, a multitool, a lighter(even though I had quit smoking even then), a portable battery pack, tissues, various painkillers and tablets like immodium, hayfever tablets, spare pens etc etc. You get the picture. In the beginning I didn't mind and would help people out, give them whatever they needed. After a while though my head was twsited because people started taking the mickey. Everyday then someone would be asking for something and it ended up feeling like they were taking advantage because, why bother bringing their own when I would provide it like a free dispencer.

I grew a thick skin and learned early that saying 'no' or claiming I was as unprepared as them was the best option.

Adopt a one and done rule. Say, "Sure, I'll share but just this once, next time your on your own." Then stick to it.

I am both anxious so always over plan and chaotic and struggle with executive function so forget half the things anyway. I think because I am both the prepared anxious person and the unprepared forgetful person at the same time, i can see both perspectives. I try to see it all as an opportunity to be generous, with my supplies and my sympathy. Whatever is required.

It does sound like your main issue is an inability to say no, set boundaries and prioritise your own needs. This inability to assert yourself has been turned into a resentment against your friends inability to prepare small items, instead of self awareness at your own inability to say no to people and prioritise what you want. This is so common with people pleasers that they end up feeling resentful or jealous when really the issue is that they are afraid of prioritising their own needs and voicing their own desires. You need to find a way to say no to people. She wants to use your charger? Say no, sorry. Unfortunately there is only enough for me. You don't want to carry her water? Tell her your bag will be too heavy with it in, and it is her responsibility. What is it that is holding you back from speaking your mind? Do you think people only like you for your paracetamol and plasters?

DH used to do then when we went on holidays. I stopped it last time by only carrying a small bag with enough space for my things.

he got ready to leave hotel with water bottle sunglasses book etc and then asked me if he could put them into “the” (aka my) bag. I showed him the bag. He went back and got his backpack. P

So... what? She should get wet when it rains by making sure her friend stays dry under the umbrella that can't cater for both of them? Not be able to use her phone because cheeky friend used all the charge in the power pack?

I think there are two separate issues here really OP - one is the lack of preparedness - that's your friend's issue, that's up to her. The other is expecting her more organised friends to compensate for her lack of preparedness. It's that, not her lack of foresight, that makes her a CF.