To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

the thread was not for people to armchair diagnose my friend on the sole information I provide.

Seems like you don't want to hear that there may be reasons for the way she behaves, you just want to be irritated with her,

I like the sound of you, OP! Doesn’t everyone have a mental checklist before they leave home? Mine is something like: keys, money, phone, tissues, chewing gum, lip balm, sanpro, water bottle, paracetamol, plasters. Umbrella/waterproof if it’s set to rain. Nothing wrong with being prepared!

It seems to me from reading this thread that there’s a difference between being a prepared person and a ‘just in case’ person.

When I go out I take things that I’m certain I’ll need or that I’m more likely to need than not. But I don’t usually take things ‘just in case’ - unless I’m going somewhere really remote.

I don’t carry painkillers or period products unless I’m expecting my period. Or tissues unless I have a cold. Or plasters because my shoes fit me.

I get this a lot! I usually have a small first aid kit with me at the bottom of my rucksack and I’ve been asked for stuff from it dozens of times for other people’s children. Often when local children get hurt they run to me not their mum cos they know I will have stuff to help and mum won’t.

I don’t mind that - happy to help - but what I do mind is when it’s an adult ‘borrowing’ from my kit for their child, they often somehow imply that I’m a bit of a weirdo/loser for having a first aid kit on me!

Seems like you don't want to hear that there may be reasons for the way she behaves, you just want to be irritated with her

A psychologist can decide on the reasons for the way she behaves.

I am not a psychologist, I am her friend.

Why am I not allowed to be irritated with someone who lacks to prepare for events and then is a CF about it and expects me to allow it because there may be “ADHD”.

I never use my anxiety or OCD as an excuse for being a CF in situations. So why should I sit back and allow someone to take the piss over things such as water bottles and umbrellas.

"I don’t carry painkillers or period products unless I’m expecting my period. Or tissues unless I have a cold. Or plasters because my shoes fit me."

I don't carry plasters because that's a smaller possibility, but painkillers could be needed at any time. Period products, I'll have one or two in my bag all the time, but will have more when I'm expecting my period. Umbrella I take out if the weather forecast is dry because I don't want the extra weight otherwise. Paracetamol doesn't weigh much so it's easier to leave it in my bag. I don't want to be packing a different bag every time I go out.

@yourestandingonmyneck

Ha, I actually find overprepared people like that quite smug and irritating

I have various issues in my personal life that mean I am quite often flying by the seat of my pants. I would love the chance to be as organised and well cared for as much as you obviously care for yourself, but that's a luxury I don't have. So I guess I am quite jealous!

You’re very smug & irritating

@FlissyPaps I completely sympathise op my preparedness comes from trauma.

Another annoying thing is when you have space in your bag and your shopping companion- who of course has a ridiculous little clutch bag- expects you to awkwardly lug around their heavy, bulky crap all day.
When I went traveling around Malaysia as a teen, I had a friend who expected me to carry around a frigging rug, the clown!

This is me and DP! He is forgetful, while I am super organised,
A trip to the beach results in me having to share my drink as well as my towel because he hasn't brought either of those things.

It's probably easier for me to deal with though as nowadays I just check he has any items he might need before he leaves the house. I tell him if he forgets and I have reminded him more than once, he can't expect to share!

Another annoying thing is when you have space in your bag and your shopping companion- who of course has a ridiculous little clutch bag- expects you to awkwardly lug around their heavy, bulky crap all day. When I went traveling around Malaysia as a teen, I had a friend who expected me to carry around a frigging rug, the clown!

This is exactly what I’m talking about! I usually have a bigger bag with me when I’m out and about. (Louis Vuitton Neverfull). Ironically it’s always full of all my “what ifs” shit😂

& when people who have a tiny bag just assume I’ll carry round their stuff because it can’t fit in their bag or they’re too tight to purchase a 10p carrier bag, annoys me so much.

A lot of us are neurodiverse/ have ND friends and family. It’s still possible to be organised for routine events. It may be harder work involving checklists, pre-planning, voice notes or whatever. Most of us are quite ingenious with our methods. If something is different to normal/ unexpected it’s much more difficult. But routine items it’s not that difficult to have a bag packed ready, google list of contents. Or buy whatever item you need from a shop. It’s not up to friends to constantly provide every item you require. She’s just taking the Mickey

@FlissyPaps

Seems like you don't want to hear that there may be reasons for the way she behaves, you just want to be irritated with her

A psychologist can decide on the reasons for the way she behaves.

I am not a psychologist, I am her friend.

Why am I not allowed to be irritated with someone who lacks to prepare for events and then is a CF about it and expects me to allow it because there may be “ADHD”.

I never use my anxiety or OCD as an excuse for being a CF in situations. So why should I sit back and allow someone to take the piss over things such as water bottles and umbrellas.

TBF with each post you sound like you just don't like her. You aren't wrong to dislike this trait about her - lots of people (often useless male partners) get pummelled on here for strategic incompetence and this is similar to an extent.

I pack clothes for a holiday assuming I will experience each season and maybe shit myself twice in a week and my work bag contains almost every over the counter medicine known to humanity but whilst I recognise I'm overly prepared in that respect by default there will be others that aren't. You can accept it as a quirk in this instance or find that it detracts more from the friendship than she gives and therefore end it.

Did you pack everything apart from your voice?

Speak up and tell your friend no when she asks, either tell them you’re not packing for 2 and no they can’t use your charger till it’s out of battery so
You can use and the other stuff.

Why haven’t you said anything?

TBF with each post you sound like you just don't like her. You aren't wrong to dislike this trait about her - lots of people (often useless male partners) get pummelled on here for strategic incompetence and this is similar to an extent.

I don’t like the annoying and unprepared side to her.
But I do like her funny side, her good relationship advice side. I’ve said on a PP, when we meet up (now once/twice a year max) we do get along and have fun.

I’d be surprised at anyone who doesn’t get annoyed at some aspects of their friends tbh.

A bit of an aside but I have an artist friend who has chosen not to have a mobile phone. Fair enough. But she always then wants me to take photos of events we attend together and sometimes asks me to get the best developed from my phone if I am getting mine done too "because its easier" and then I end up paying for them too. She does buy me coffees in exchange and I don't mind doing this once or twice but it's a bit cheeky to expect it all of the time. Even worse, she complained to me about a mutual friend being late getting photos processed for her! The trouble is, we end up looking petty if we say "take your own photos".

[quote AnxiousSquirrel]@Malariahilaria £2 mini rucksack you say?.... From Decathlon... I live 2 minutes away from a decathlon, are they any good? I don't need a mini rucksack, but I want one now I know about them[/quote]
The mini ones are ok for the basics, but I recommend a medium to normal backpack

I don't mind people forgetting things that much, I do mind people who don't seem to think things through, they just seem to 'guess' things that they ought to check. Like how long it takes to get somewhere, or can they get to a place on public transport, or that they should maybe save their money and energy the day before something they agreed to do with you ages ago, so they don't end up messaging that they're 'too tired/skint' because they went out partying last night at short notice.

I am the same as you. I am always the one with the drink, the painkillers, the umbrella etc etc I don't mind sharing those things (although I am strict on the umbrella as I am the short one in this scenario), the way in which I find people lack of 'preparedness' annoying is when we are arranging to go out for lunch and they are in charge and don't book anything or leave it way too late. I was away somewhere on mothers day a few years ago with some friends and my friend and her Husband said they would sort the meal out, they came back to us a few days before saying they had booked a table at the a slug and lettuce for 930pm because nothing else was available. This was in a city of a million amazing options and we were eating slug and lettuce at 11pm, that is when I find it annoying. They knew they needed to book a table somewhere 3 months in advance, now I just book everything instead

I’m like you’re friend if I’m honest. I also have ocd, but mine sadly was not the slightly more useful cleaning or organised type. not belittling any form of ocd, just I could really have done with the more useful type to me rather than being convinced my thoughts and normal actions would kill people. I’m hideously disorganised (couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery sort of person) and think I probably have adhd. I just do not know how to do it. I’ve tried googling the answer, tried writing lists that I then lose, I’m just useless at it. It’s something I feel incredibly embarrassed about, my complete inability to get my shit together.

I wouldn’t however ask to borrow other people’s things, nor get them to carry my water bottle. I just buy it if I desperately need it, do without or juggle things whilst berating myself for not being calm, collected and organised

@FlissyPaps

*YABU to think your problem is your friend.

The problem is you keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.*

Again. I will repeat:

This thread wasn’t for being to berate my ability to say no. It was to see if it was normal to be annoyed at people who never come prepared but are CFs and expect you to accommodate their needs.

This made me laugh! Good luck trying to censor what responses you get on AIBU

I think you need to learn to say no, in a jokey way, and then you won't have an issue. You're just martyring yourself and then moaning about it.

I am like you FlissyPaps - my handbag is jam packed with all the same items. If it's not in my handbag (shopping bags, umbrella), it's in the car (live in the middle of nowhere, so almost always take the car). Everything lives in the bag/car and gets replaced if it runs out so you only really have to organise it once. When I worked in an office I was always the person that had painkillers! Though that is less likely now as I just carry all my prescription meds instead...

I like to think I would say no if it was something I needed, like the phone charger, and I wouldn't carry heavy stuff for someone else. I am at the same time annoyed by people who never have the necessary items and pleased that I am able to help. (Today I took my friend to the supermarket [so the first question was 'can i have a lift'], gave her a cough sweet as she couldn't stop coughing in the car and lent her a shopping bag as she didn't have enough. And yes she's always like that!)

I just wish my handbag was lighter

Freeloading isn’t a symptom of any mental disorder.

@Hertsgirl10

Did you pack everything apart from your voice?

Speak up and tell your friend no when she asks, either tell them you’re not packing for 2 and no they can’t use your charger till it’s out of battery so
You can use and the other stuff.

Why haven’t you said anything?

I’ve explained in a PP, I am currently in therapy due to a severe anxiety disorder and OCD. I struggle to say “No” to people and put my feelings first. It is something that I am working on.

My question was “Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed with other people’s unpreparedness”.

Not “how do I say no” “how do I speak up”.