To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

I've just bought myself a very nice new bag that has enough room for MY stuff in it & no room whatsoever to carry stuff in case anyone else needs it or indeed to put anyone else's stuff in.
Carrying everyone else's things when they don't have a bag is not on!

"I don't think they EXPECT you to accommodate them. It's probably more that they know you and what you're like: "oh, Flissypaps will have x, y or z so need for me to take some too"."

Well, that's expecting her to have things isn't it.

Do you not have the ability to say No?

Sadly not. Which is why I am in therapy to help with my issues.

However, I started this thread not to be questioned on my ability to say “no”, but to think if it’s a normal thing to be annoyed at people who are constantly unprepared and treat you like a pack mule. CFs essentially.

I’d gladly share my umbrella with a friend and not be offended if they asked me to reposition it. I’d also not think twice about offering to carry a small water bottle if it didn’t fit in my friends bag. These things just don’t bother me. I would however be very unlikely to have an umbrella or paracetamol or plasters or anything leaving the house other than wallet, keys, phone and a maybe a book or pen and paper. I’d probably find you up tight and you’d find me terribly unprepared. I can’t really think of a situation in which I’d NEED plasters or mild painkillers or an umbrella, I’d just ignore the discomfort until I got home and it wouldn’t worry me. Just pointing out the other side to it, neither side is right imo.

@FlissyPaps

I appreciate all the posts that say “You should say no more” “stop being so accommodating” “YABU for not using your words”.

Being able to say no, is a trait I wish I had. I’m such a people pleaser, a crazy worrier & currently have CBT for anxiety and OCD.

Hopefully, it’ll be something I can learn in time.
I definitely do not lose any sleep over people who aren’t prepared😂

I just simply feel annoyed sometimes with people who are never prepared but expect the prepared friends to accommodate them.

It’s probably worth remembering that lots of people can’t help their lack of planning anymore than you can help your OCD. Believe me, no one gets more annoyed and frustrated with me than me. For a long time I just beat myself up over it quietly. Then I was diagnosed with adhd at 40 and now it all makes sense. And I’m far from alone in not knowing that was the issue.

YABU to think your problem is your friend.

The problem is you keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

You know this woman. Yet you keep on going places with her, with a bag that is big enough to fit more than two bottles of water, a charger, an umbrella that can shelter two people, paracetamol, and plasters.

And for some reason you can neither say no or bring a small bag that can only fit your own water, no plasters or paracetamol, no charger cos your phone is already charged thank you, no bobble, and a see-through, dome-shaped umbrella that can fit only one.

Would the world screech to a shuddering stop if you were to smile at your friend, tilt your head slightly, and tell her she's endearingly disorganised and what she really needs is a personal assistant, and you are sorry but you don't have whatever item or assistance she needs?
Or say straight up what you are thinking, “Why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”
What are you afraid will happen if you behave in a way she isn't used to?

You are prepared for everything except the inevitable here - the inevitable being the need to say no to this friend.

@FlissyPaps

Do you not have the ability to say No?

Sadly not. Which is why I am in therapy to help with my issues.

However, I started this thread not to be questioned on my ability to say “no”, but to think if it’s a normal thing to be annoyed at people who are constantly unprepared and treat you like a pack mule. CFs essentially.

But sadly they're one and the same issue as we've seen from multiple CF threads. You can be annoyed at them for sure but also need to be aware at the level that which you enable it. If you never say no then definitely don't buy a holiday home in Mexico

@Gwenhwyfar I do drive. I’m not an idiot, I have coats with hoods so if it’s raining i just put it up.
Other than Covid a few months ago, i’m not sure when the last time I had a cold or any virus was. I’m also not sure I’ve ever come home cold to the bone in all my 37 years of life - other than when I’ve been out sledging. But an umbrella isn’t likely to help in that situation! Thermals didn’t really cut it either!!

The phone charger would be a step too far for me unless I was camping . My Mum is excessively organised (kind of person who has her clothes laid out a week before she leaves and likes to be at a train station an hour early) so in comparison to her I feel disorganised until I'm out with others and they are impressed with my plasters, pens, hankies, plastic bag for a bin etc.

"It's a personal choice not a moral failing!"

Except that it has consequences for others such as op having to share her umbrella. I'm sure chivalrous men will feel they should lend you their jackets. People having to go home early because they won't wear a coat or having to pay for a taxi to travel with a friend wearing heels. Very annoying.
If your behaviour really doesn't affect others, fair enough.

YANBU OP, other people are hell

I am organised when I go out but won’t offer things to unprepared people. Can I use your charger? No, I need it. Can I get under your umbrella? Well try and fit but I’ll be using it at a comfortable angle/height since I brought it. Can you carry my water? No my bag is full. See all very easy.

I had a friend about 20 years ago who seemed to never want to carry anything, she’d ask you to hold her carrier bags in a shop whilst she put her gloves on or her change away then stride off. After chasing her a few times telling her to take back her stuff as I wasn’t a packhorse I got pissed off. She did it once just before Christmas so I shrugged and just left her bags (all 6 of them) on the ground and walked on. After 10 minutes she asked where her bags were and I said ‘you didn’t seem to want or need them so I left them as I can’t carry them as well as mine!’ She legged it back so fast to where I’d dropped them and was fizzing mad. I told her anytime she dumped her stuff I would also dump it. You have to sometimes shock them out of behaviour that is inconveniencing you.

" I’m also not sure I’ve ever come home cold to the bone in all my 37 years of life"

Lucky you! Where am I going wrong then with my umbrella, puffer coat and hats? Last time was when I was out at a demo and it started hailing. Getting changed and having hot drinks wasn't enough to warm me up. Hot shower helped. And that was with an umbrella and coat, would have been worse without.

@Gwenhwyfar

"If it rains and I don't have an umbrella I just get wet, I won't melt!"

No, but you could be wet for the rest of the day. You could catch a cold or even Covid - yes, I know it's a virus but you're vulnerable to them when you're cold and wet.
Why the hell won't you carry an umbrella if rain is predicted?

Well I can only speak for myself…but having an umbrella on me because rain is forecast would require A) remembering to buy an umbrella B) remembering where the umbrella is C) remembering to check the weather forecast D) having remembered the umbrella, also remembering to bring it from the car/not having left it on the bus.

The chances of all of those things happening when you have poor executive functioning are pretty slim.
Is it annoying? yes. It’s more annoying and embarrassing for me than anyone else though. I laughed it off in public/with friends for years but inside I felt stupid and ridiculous and like I was just a shit person. I didn’t know that I have severe ADHD. That it’s actually a minor miracle I function as well as I do.

I don't think yabu. Most of the time I'm not prepared as I am very forgetful and unorganised so I pack everything you mentioned above, and more, in my car just in case. So if I ever need something I'll just go and get it.

I think rather than feel superior for having an umbrella ans a bag big enough for two water bottles … think about what your friend offers you. You said you suffer from anxiety and are a crippling people pleaser. Imagine if she started a thread moaning about recurrent themes of uojr conversations and struggles that I assume you share. Friendships are two way and I’m sure if you think about what they bring to your life. You may find that it outweighs the “burden” of having chewing gum and spare change etc.

Superior? Please quote me where I have indicated to being or feeling superior.

The friendship offers us both fun times. We enjoy the same music and have lots of same interests. We met at uni but now live in different cities. So we catch up once maybe twice a year at most. I have never once said I dislike spending time with her.

She probably feels annoyed by me at times. My continuous flapping. My anxious mind that is in overdrive 99% of the time. No one is perfect.

I repeat. This thread was to see if it was NORMAL to feel annoyed at people who never come prepared but expect prepared friends to accommodate them.

I assume you’ve never felt annoyed by a friend in your life?

@watcherintherye

Have you got a hair bobble?

I’m trying to picture the scene in which it would suddenly dawn on an adult that they really should have put their hair in a bobble before they came out!

As a nurse/midwife/teacher this happens to me so often that I bought a massive packet of hairbands from Boots to keep in my pocket!

There’s a case for a bit more assertiveness here. Just to focus on one small part, I wouldn’t lend someone my portable charger if I needed it at that time.

I vere between the both of you. I aim to be you, but I often often fail.my brain is just so full of innane chatter that it can be hard to remember everything.

However if I asked for paracetamol and someone said no, I'd suffer quietly. Same for hair or I'd use a pen. I think it depends how she asks and her expectations.

Given you see her so rarely, I'd put up with it. Perhaps meet her with a bag for life full of water, a battery pack to borrow, a hair bobble etc and be like here, before you ask...

"she’d ask you to hold her carrier bags in a shop whilst she put her gloves on or her change away then stride off."

OMG. Who does she think she is?

I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I suppose. I'm disorganised, so I carry everything in case I need it. It's kind of fun to watch people's eyes bug out when they find themselves short of something and I pull it out of my bag. It doesn't annoy me, because I know full well how close I am to being in their position.

@Gwenhwyfar that’s what I always wondered. I was speechless at first then I just got sick of it as it happened every time we went somewhere if we were shopping. So I just left the bags as they weren’t mine. I don’t know if she still does it, we lost touch after she kissed my boyfriend. She helped me dump that baggage to to be fair.

I repeat. This thread was to see if it was NORMAL to feel annoyed at people who never come prepared but expect prepared friends to accommodate them.

Well, not many people can really answer this - because we don’t experience this.

Not many of us are organised to the degree you seem to be (I mean, I’m averagely organised), and have a friend who treats us like a pack mule, IYSWIM?!

If we were that organised, and did have such a friend - yes, we’d probably find it really annoying.

And so we would probably just say something to the friend.

@watcherintherye

Have you got a hair bobble?

I’m trying to picture the scene in which it would suddenly dawn on an adult that they really should have put their hair in a bobble before they came out!

Unexpected wind. It's really the devil to suddenly find yourself eating your own hair on a previously calm day.

*YABU to think your problem is your friend.

The problem is you keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.*

Again. I will repeat:

This thread wasn’t for being to berate my ability to say no. It was to see if it was normal to be annoyed at people who never come prepared but are CFs and expect you to accommodate their needs.