To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

I hate unpreparedness too. I used to be like your friend, unorganised lurching from one issue caused by this to another. Now I am always prepped and the lovely feeling of knowing everything is sorted for the morning/day is so nice.

I lived in a shared house with someone like this. She would ask if she could 'borrow' things knowing full well I had what she wanted. One time I misunderstood her and she had to own up to what she wanted to borrow, rather than the one I'd offered her. The final straw came when she commented that I was 'extravagant' because I always bought things I needed. I replied 'If I didn't, you'd have to buy your own. From now onwards, that's what you can do. I'm not giving you my tissues/cotton wool/pasta any more.' And I didn't.

@FlissyPaps

*YABU to think your problem is your friend.

The problem is you keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.*

Again. I will repeat:

This thread wasn’t for being to berate my ability to say no. It was to see if it was normal to be annoyed at people who never come prepared but are CFs and expect you to accommodate their needs.

OK, it's normal to be annoyed at it yes, who wouldn't be? Especially when it keeps happening but it's at that point you can't keep viewing your AIBU in isolation. Drop socialising with your friend or change the goal posts to prevent your annoyance.

The little things like plasters and paracetamol I'd happily share. On the others it's a chance to practice boundaries and say no. If you'll need your charger later, "sorry I need that myself", if she complains about the umbrella, "next time bring your own and you'll be better covered", with the water bottle, "sure and since I've always carried you owe me a few, you can carry both", and hand the carry bag with your drink bottle over. Yes her behaviour isn't ok, but you can't change her. What you can do is not see her, not see her in places where you need those things or you can work on changing how you react and interact, putting boundaries in place and saying no instead of letting it happen and privately fuming, which does neither of you any good.

This thread wasn’t for being to berate my ability to say no. It was to see if it was normal to be annoyed at people who never come prepared but are CFs and expect you to accommodate their needs.

As I said upthread I think she's being rude and I can understand why you're annoyed, but I do think it's probably less premeditated than you seem to assume. If you didn't bring these items she'd just do without them, and I don't think she's deliberately thinking 'ah, I won't bother taking that because she'll have one' - it's more thoughtless than that.

@FlissyPaps

*YABU to think your problem is your friend.

The problem is you keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.*

Again. I will repeat:

This thread wasn’t for being to berate my ability to say no. It was to see if it was normal to be annoyed at people who never come prepared but are CFs and expect you to accommodate their needs.

But you can’t control how people respond, and if there’s a glaring solution people are bound to point it out.

I’m the disorganised friend. I like to think what I fail to bring to the table in plasters and bottles of water, I bring in fun and gossip.

@FlissyPaps

*YABU to think your problem is your friend.

The problem is you keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.*

Again. I will repeat:

This thread wasn’t for being to berate my ability to say no. It was to see if it was normal to be annoyed at people who never come prepared but are CFs and expect you to accommodate their needs.

How do you know she is a CF and isn’t actually just struggling with this kind of thing? You’re upset at people questioning your ability to say no, but it’s just as possible she can’t help her inability to plan any more than you can help your people pleasing side. I’m just saying, trying ti look at it from another perspective might make you feel less annoyed with her. Unless she’s an arsehole if a person (in which case why are you her friend) then chances are she isn’t deliberately taking the piss.

I can't believe so many people carry plasters? Unless I was breaking in terrible shoes I can't think of an occasion where I've ever needed one as an adult that couldn't wait til I got home. Do you all wear badly fitting shoes?

I have two kids now and have a couple of plasters in the day bag but they've been there, unused, for ages as well.

I am not super organised but generally have what I need. I wouldn't expect others to cater for me if I'd forgotten something.

Out of interest what do you all take out of the house? For, say, a few hours in town shopping etc?

These are the kind of 'friends' I buy a one off package. I was the first of my friends to have children so you know yourself you have to be prepared, carrying a baby bag full of guff you might need 🤣 Anyway two friends in particular were always after stuff and I ended up really resenting it, but I vented to my aunt about it, she said have you stopped and thought they just aren't of the same mindset/have never had to organise these things/ are a bit scatty or just plain fly by the seat of their pants types? I did calm down and realise some people are just like that I doubt they can help it or that it even crosses their mind, why should it especially when they know good ole 'mamma' will have it. So I made care packages with every conceivable thing in it, like you said umbrella/meds/plasters/water bottles etc and posted them off with a jokey card 'what would you do without me hehehaha I'm so funny' one of them said thanks and oh god I know what I'm like I really appreciate all this, the other was super pissed off at the implication she was taking advantage, which tbh I told her she was. She didn't ask for anything again and also didn't use the bloody stuff I bought her either lol, but it made me feel better about it and the friend that thanked me actually really got a grip and was nice about the whole thing.
Generally though there will always be THAT friend or person or coworker, but I do kind of get a good feeling out of being the person people know is prepared. But yes it is annoying and frustrating especially when it's time and time again

Found the right thread then @MammaMacgill87

@GooglyEyeballs

I'm like you I always carry everything, but I do like the feeling people can rely on me. My dad says I've always had a pathological need to look after people though!

Back when we were able to go on holiday we used to refer to late husband's MASH bag, he could have performed minor surgery including replacing lost fillings.

None of what you've described would annoy me from an old friend I see once a year. They are bits of nothing, not requests for loans or letting you down repeatedly.

This is AIBU and in my opinion, you are.

@yourestandingonmyneck

Ha, I actually find overprepared people like that quite smug and irritating

I have various issues in my personal life that mean I am quite often flying by the seat of my pants. I would love the chance to be as organised and well cared for as much as you obviously care for yourself, but that's a luxury I don't have. So I guess I am quite jealous!

Whatever issues one has going on it's not rocket science to keep a bag of stuff like plasters, pills etc ready to grab for a trip.

@DuckonaBike

Well I’m like you in that I always have an umbrella, painkillers, tissues, san pro, bottle of water, a pen, etc BUT I love it. I love being the organised person. I press these things on people who need them but don’t have them, and then bask in their gratitude and my own sense of organisation. Had you considered that approach?

I’m like this too! I am genuinely delighted if someone needs something that I’ve brought with me. When I was still working in the office I loved being the one with a drawer full of useful things

@DuckonaBike

Well I’m like you in that I always have an umbrella, painkillers, tissues, san pro, bottle of water, a pen, etc BUT I love it. I love being the organised person. I press these things on people who need them but don’t have them, and then bask in their gratitude and my own sense of organisation. Had you considered that approach?

I am like this too! I like taking care of people and I'm probably a bit of a control freak. I think it's weird and mean to carry all this stuff around with you but then resent sharing it, honestly.

And I agree with the poster who said surely the OP would always have a fold-up shopping bag so why not lend that to the friend for her water bottle?

Charge them 25p for each thing and a £1 a go with the umbrella. Tip bring a spare umbrella for yourself as well.

@LemonViolet

Not everyone has the executive function or capability to be as perfect as you, OP. I’d love to be organised enough to always have plasters and paracetamol and be able to think ahead enough to have a big enough bag with me or my portable phone charger actually with me and charged, rather than lost in a junk drawer at home etc. but I really truly struggle with all of this kind of thing, despite best efforts and intentions.

It sounds like your friend maybe isn’t as diplomatic about things as she could be, but you’re also to blame a little by being a martyr about it.

Just revel internally about how organised and superior you are , and be honest when sharing doesn’t work for you.

Interesting the number of people who are sneering at the OP's simple organisation skills, she isn't organising the next Olympics after all, it's a few pills, somehow their inability to do the most basic of tasks is the OP's fault.

Just smile!

It's your personality versus theirs. You won't change them.

I would say, there are some things it makes sense to share. One packet of plasters lasts so long for me that I often have to throw half the packet away because it's a year expired and I'm not sure they're still sterile. So, I'm happy to share them with anyone, even random people on the subway, because that way at least they'll get used. Also, when I get to give someone a plaster and a sterile gauze and a dab of topical antibiotic (another thing that expires while the tube is still almost full), I feel like a superhero.

Umbrellas, I don't carry with me because I'll be sure to put it down somewhere and lose it. So if someone whose brain doesn't have that problem can carry the umbrella, I'll be very grateful. Otherwise, I'm happy to get wet, or stop under an awning to wait out the rain.

I always have a collapsible string backpack so I can carry as many waters as we need, and I prefer to carry enough water for everyone than to get worried that someone's going to get dehydrated.

Chargers, on the other hand, I would not lend those out. My charger is to ensure my own phone is charged so I can be in control of my fate. If you weren't organised enough to bring your own, how do I know you'll be organised enough, if I do let you use it to recharge your phone, to save enough battery to call for help when we need it? Maybe you'll use up all the charge looking up celebrity gossip. I'm going to make sure the most responsible person gets to use the charger (me).

I think it makes the most sense to carry some but not all of the useful things. If you carry every possible useful item, your bag will be so heavy the whole trip will be no fun. If you carry none, you may end up in a muddle. Deciding what's the correct set of emergency items to carry is its own skill. I think it's fair that each person has their own list of what they carry, and if someone's list is different than mine, I don't get annoyed. We can complement each other: you, umbrella; me, water bottles. It's when you get a person who carries nothing, and borrows everything, that's when it's annoying.

I am prepared. Always been a planner. House functions like clockwork, almost never run out of things. Things are where they should be sort of thing.

I am the big bag carrier with tissues, plasters, insect bite cream, snacks, water and umbrella and space for random coats, scarves, hats and phones. Thought all mothers got used to doing that? It was great when I had to push the dcs in a buggy because I could just hang it over the handles or bung it under.

I feel sad for disorganised people who borrow my stuff or have to buy stuff multiple times because they lose it or forget to bring it and need it whilst about. I don't mind sharing but I would mind someone thinking they can rely on me to be prepared to borrow stuff off so that they can travel light.

I had a friend about 20 years ago who seemed to never want to carry anything, she’d ask you to hold her carrier bags in a shop whilst she put her gloves on or her change away then stride off.

Surely you put the bags down and follow her. A relative once arrived at our house, walked in and left her suitcases on the step, where they stayed for over an hour until she realised that I hadn't taken them in and to her room! She had the temerity to be annoyed at me so I pointed her in the direction of a couple of hotels.

The one that did my head in was the colleague who regularly didn't bring her set of keys to our place of work because she assumed I would be there to let her in. Only I was often off site and she would call me to see if I could come back to let her in. Her keys were at her house which was at the bottom of the same road as the place of work!

It took about half a dozen occasions of me telling her no before she got the memo. Some people are just hopeless at organising themselves.

I dunno, most of what you list - paracetamol, plasters, hair eyes etc - are just general bag shit. I thought everyone carried this kind of thing around. But I wouldn’t consider it just for me, it’s if a need arises which could be someone else. You are overthinking this, it’s not a big deal

I carry a lot of stuff "just in case". My friend never has tissues and always asks me for some. Guess what she gets each Christmas as part of her present now. It has become a bit of a standing joke.