To be annoyed at other people’s “unpreparedness”

[FlissyPaps]

I’d like to think I am quite a prepared person. I always overpack when going away, always make sure I’ve got everything I need and more, have clothes available for all seasons.

I’m going on a trip soon with a friend who’s really not prepared for anything. Some examples;

If we’re out and it starts raining, I’ll have an umbrella and they won’t. They’ll demand for me to let them under the umbrella and then complain they’re getting wet because I’m holding the umbrella too high. (I’m 5’10 and they’re 5’2)

If my phone battery becomes low I’ll whip out my portable charger and they’ll ask if they can borrow it. They’ll use up most of the battery on that so then I’m left with low battery on my phone and on my charger.

If we’re out and grab a bottle of water, I’ll put mine in my bag and they’ll say “Oh can you put mine in your bag too?” (As their bag is too small to fit a drink in, so my bag ends up twice as heavier).

I’m always getting questions like “Can I have a paracetamol? Can I have one of your plasters? Have you got a hair bobble?”

Just really small things like that. It really gets on my nerves and I just think “why can’t you just use or bring your own stuff?”

The friend in question I don’t see very often, and we do have a laugh together. I’m just too polite to say “No” or “why haven’t you come prepared?”

You are not being unreasonable, it's perfectly valid to be annoyed by this. What I would say though, is that when someone's actions annoy you in this way - it's usually a signal that a boundary needs to be put in place. So although it's very hard to do, I think it might be important for your friendship that you find a way to say no.
You can't change your friends disposition but you can ensure that you are looking out for your mental well-being in the relationship by politely saying no when you meet requests that you feel are unreasonable. I hope that makes sense - it's not easy, it has taken me years to learn to do this and I am still learning!

Friend in question has long hair and likes to tie it back when eating. Went out for a meal with her and she wanted to tie it back. I never wear my hair up so sadly for her I didn’t have an endless supply of bobbles available.

Yes, I can see how that would be irritating - going out for a meal, like to put your hair up while eating, yet unable to think far enough ahead to bring the wherewithal to achieve that modest aim!

@Gwenhwyfar

"If it rains and I don't have an umbrella I just get wet, I won't melt!"

No, but you could be wet for the rest of the day. You could catch a cold or even Covid - yes, I know it's a virus but you're vulnerable to them when you're cold and wet.
Why the hell won't you carry an umbrella if rain is predicted?

I absolutely hate using an umbrella, and in fact find other people's insistence that I must share theirs highly annoying - people seem to constantly press the bloody things on me! I just get wet. I have yet to suffer any serious consequence from this, and I'm not someone who gets ill a lot. I will carry and use one if I'm in a situation where I really have to look neat - a job interview or a wedding or something like that - but otherwise I'd rather just be bedraggled!

(if you want to be even more shocked - I also hate wearing a coat and try and do it as little as possible)

I definitely am like your friend - never carry an umbrella etc, BUT I would never expect to use your stuff. I’m fine with not having those things with me. Even if someone suggests I share their umbrella I always say no.

"I feel more sorry for her because it sucks to be the disorganised one."

Pretty nice not to have to carry anything though isn't it? Like the Royals because someone else will do it for them.

Some people just aren’t very good at life.

You get threads on here often enough about how irritating ‘constantly late’ people are.

But the constantly late people say it’s impossible for them to do anything about it, defend it to the death, and tell everyone around them they just have to suck it up and wait for them.

"(if you want to be even more shocked - I also hate wearing a coat and try and do it as little as possible)"

Yes, we're not compatible. I don't like people who won't dressed in a way that is appropriate for the weather.
I do get that some people have sensory issues or whatever after seeing a friend in a T-shirt with goose pimples because jumpers set off his eczema.

I see what you mean but I think life is too short to get wound up about this

@FlissyPaps

I have various issues in my personal life that mean I am quite often flying by the seat of my pants. I would love the chance to be as organised and well cared for as much as you obviously care for yourself, but that's a luxury I don't have. So I guess I am quite jealous!

Please don’t be jealous. I suffer from horrendous anxiety and OCD, so I am constantly obsessing and going over scenarios in my head that could happen and what I may need incase something does happen.

I wish I had the luxury of grabbing my phone and keys off the side and be able to leave the house. But the thought of forgetting something I might need later on sends my head in a spin.

I'm guessing this is part of the reason it all winds you up so much. Your anxiety is made worse by the constant thought that your friend will probably ask you for something and that will get on your tits. So if you don't wish to get annoyed or anxious about this the obvious thing is to either just always say "no" to her and others like her and they'll get the message not to ask you eventually, OR have a quiet word and say that your anxiety about looking after yourself is off the scale and when other people ask you for this and that it just makes it worse.

FWIW, the world isn't going to cave in if you don't have a paracetamol or a plaster. There are shops you know. And even if you're staying in a hotel or campsite away from shops, the reception often has those things if you're desperate. I used to be a bit like you. Whenever we'd drive off on a holiday I'd be driving DH and the two teens mad by going quiet and mentally going through my checklist in the car when we'd only just left the house of "medical supplies/spare this/extra that -OH MY GOD, I forgot an umbrella!". They used to laugh at me and I couldn't understand why they didn't worry like I did if I'd forgotten an item.

But then I realised over the years that it didn't bloody matter if I didn't have ANY of those things, we weren't in outer Mongolia and there were always shops, petrol stations or service stations where I could get them. Even in one deluge on Majorca (when I obviously hadn't thought to take an umbrella cos Majorca, in August!!!), it was fine cos there was a shop nearby selling umbrellas (and not beach umbrellas!)

I've honestly since learned not to stress about such trivia. Surely if you take paracetmol you'd take more than one so if your friend asked you for one, she could have one and then there's still one for you, till you could get more from a shop? etc etc. Water bottle in the bag I'd put my foot down though "nah, it'll make my bag too heavy and I've got sore shoulder as it is".

So get rid of some of your anxiety (literally your "baggage" by the sound of it) by not sweating the small stuff and balancing that by being a kind friend when someone is desperate for something you have but making sure that you don't get taken advantage of to your detriment eg making your own bag heavier, or leaving yourself short of something.

You sound like a Boy Scout

Oh my god I’ve never in my life owned an umbrella! Irritating unpredictable bastards.
If it rains and I’m not prepared, I’ll get wet. I don’t even like to share umbrella space with anyone when offered.
I’m not a prepared person but I always have the readies to buy what I need. You’ll not catch me up a mountaintop so no danger of hiking and realising I desperately need a paracetamol.
I rarely carry a bag (unless I’m going on a night out) and will Throw phone and keys in my coat pocket and off I go. No chance am I carting plasters, chargers, water (where has this obsession with having constant access to water coke from?! We can cope for more than a few hours without it!!!) etc when I’m just out and about having a catch up with a friend. Could not be arsed.

"So although it's very hard to do, I think it might be important for your friendship that you find a way to say no."

Most people would find it hard to let their friend walk along looking like a drowned rat with rain falling down their glasses etc. I would suggest just saying before going somewhere 'have you got everything you need because I can't share this time?'. Seems they need to be treated like children.

I appreciate all the posts that say
“You should say no more” “stop being so accommodating” “YABU for not using your words”.

Being able to say no, is a trait I wish I had. I’m such a people pleaser, a crazy worrier & currently have CBT for anxiety and OCD.

Hopefully, it’ll be something I can learn in time.
I definitely do not lose any sleep over people who aren’t prepared😂

I just simply feel annoyed sometimes with people who are never prepared but expect the prepared friends to accommodate them.

I used to be really organised, but since I've hit my 40s everything has gone to pot.
I am so forgetful.
I will plan to take things like an umbrella. Put it by the door ready to go.
Then realise when it starts to rain that I didn't bring it after all.
I didn't used to be like this.

I’m also a prepared type! I like the warm fuzzy reassurance of having plasters, paracetamol and a nail file in my bag 😊

I don’t think it’s a coincidence I’ve been a bridesmaid several times! Having plasters for a paper cut near a wedding dress and needle and thread to match the bridesmaid dresses when a zip broke was very much appreciated 😂

Do you not have the ability to say No?

Can I use your charger? Sorry no it's only got enough for one charge and I need it

Can I use your umbrella? We won't both fit I'm afraid.

Can you carry my water? My bags already very heavy/full so I can't carry your stuff too.

"If it rains and I’m not prepared, I’ll get wet. "

And then have to spend the rest of the day in wet clothes and making yourself vulnerable to viruses, coming home cold to the bone, etc.
Or do you drive everywhere and would only be wet for a few minutes?

We're actually going on a US road trip for the first time this summer. I'm trying not to let my anxiety about planning for this or that eventuality ruin the run up to it. The teen sons and DH are simply excited. DH was brought up in a "winging it" sort of family when they went on holiday. I was the opposite - everything planned to the nth degree including toilet stops. We used to drive to France and self-cater and my parents had this bloody trolley in the dining room that they filled with stuff before we went. Most of it was toilet rolls - I look back and have no idea what they were thinking!! It isn't like they don't have toilet rolls in France! I think that's where I get it from, it's not normal. DH is sooo much more laidback than I am when it comes to going anywhere. He said when he was a kid it was sometimes annoying if things went a bit wrong and eg they missed the last train and had a v long walk somewhere cos they'd end up tired and hungry. But it never did any harm, it led to some funny family memories "remember when we got stuck at ....." and it's made him laidback and resilient.

All my background has made me is uptight and anxious.

Cheap handbag from a charity shop and organiser pocket and then stock it with some stuff and then say right - you just need to bung a portable charger in, umbrella etc and then you are good to go. Love me xx

The perfect gift !

@FlissyPaps

I appreciate all the posts that say “You should say no more” “stop being so accommodating” “YABU for not using your words”.

Being able to say no, is a trait I wish I had. I’m such a people pleaser, a crazy worrier & currently have CBT for anxiety and OCD.

Hopefully, it’ll be something I can learn in time.
I definitely do not lose any sleep over people who aren’t prepared😂

I just simply feel annoyed sometimes with people who are never prepared but expect the prepared friends to accommodate them.

I don't think they EXPECT you to accommodate them. It's probably more that they know you and what you're like: "oh, Flissypaps will have x, y or z so need for me to take some too".

I wouldn't be handing over the phone charger tbh. I would be saying I need it and going ahead and using it. There's an expression I have learned recently - don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

In other words, look after yourself, especially when dealing with people who take take take all of the time.

I'm like you OP. I very rarely forget anything I need for days/nights out and have often found myself worrying that my powerpack will run out because everyone and their father has been using it, or wondering why my bag's so heavy and everyone's put everything in it.

Festivals and the like too-I always take a camping chair because I have a dodgy back and standing up for long periods is uncomfortable, nobody else brings one, their choice but they'll happily sit on it if I leave it for too minutes and I have to ask for it back-after they've said 'I can't be bothered carrying a chair about, I'll do without!'

Of course I don't mind a lot of the time but if they want to spend time sitting in a chair they should bring their own! Suncream is another one.

I think rather than feel superior for having an umbrella ans a bag big enough for two water bottles … think about what your friend offers you. You said you suffer from anxiety and are a crippling people pleaser. Imagine if she started a thread moaning about recurrent themes of uojr conversations and struggles that I assume you share. Friendships are two way and I’m sure if you think about what they bring to your life. You may find that it outweighs the “burden” of having chewing gum and spare change etc.

"I will plan to take things like an umbrella. Put it by the door ready to go.
Then realise when it starts to rain that I didn't bring it after all."

Everybody forgets things sometimes, but these are people who don't even try.

Yes, we're not compatible. I don't like people who won't dressed in a way that is appropriate for the weather.

You wouldn't like me because I dress in a way that makes me feel comfortable?! I'm not asking that you take off your coat! I hate the feeling of wearing one (I hate anything that feels bulky or restrictive around my arms - I genuinely don't understand how anyone can bear to wear a puffa, though I don't dislike them for doing so just because I don't!) and similarly I find having to carry an umbrella really irritating, more irritating than getting a bit wet. It's a personal choice not a moral failing!