To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

Hello,

Just wanted to update this morning. They woke at 3am screaming they were hungry I managed to keep them in bed for an extra half an hour, at that point they started throwing toys, slamming the door which started to wake my baby.
They were told though once downstairs it's another wait for anything to eat.

They had cereal at 4.15, more of it was eaten than in the last couple of days.
Gave them a waffle at 7 which was all eaten they've not had anything else but I'll probably have to do an earlier than planned lunch.

But I'm sticking to it, no cajoling or pleading, no conversation, if they eat it then I'll praise them but I'm not going to stress over them leaving it.

I will read back over all of the advice just now x

@godmum56

so can I ask again...the divided responsibility thing......how long do you let the child not eat for?

My eldest daughter had a cheese string all day, that was the worst day that I broke down and begged her to eat some chocolate. It was the next day before she ate anything else

And just to add for everyone asking, their weights are fine. They used to be obsessed with milk so I think that's where a lot of their calories used to come from and that was a very hard habit to break too

I’m not surprised their weights are fine

But I’m guessing they’re pale, grumpy, lethargic, sometimes a bit manic, bad teeth

You didn’t say what the 3 and 5 yo made of the sausage pasta and veg? Only the 7yo?

And who woke screaming last night? You say “they” - which of them?

Make a mental note: they have no sensory issues with cereal.

At the moment they probably are waking hungry, as you’re re-setting their eating habits. So for now, I wouldn’t try to delay it, but feed them. But - and I’m going to honest though I hope you’ll still feel it kind - the waffle was a mistake. It’s a “fun” food, and it’s got too much sugar in it. It’s “worth” waking up for, and will only lead to sugar spikes messing up their appetite. They are the cereal - if they were still hungry, the answer is more cereal. Is it those packet waffles from the supermarket? Get rid of them.

You are going to find it takes time to break habits, but it will happen. What did they have for breakfast?

Looking back on the one cheese string all day…
Both my 48kg 14yo and 57kg self could do that.
I’m not claiming it’s healthy, but many people can go a day sometimes without feeling hungry.
You need to not panic when it happens, and as you’ve said yourself - no more cajoling!

There’s been a lot of people on here criticising the line from others that, “children won’t starve.”

And they’re right, that some children have complex issues with food, physical or psychological.

But nothing you’ve said so far, suggests that your children are in that category. The vast majority of children will eat - just as yours showed at 04:15 eating more cereal than usual! So in your case, I’d say have foods you know they eat available, but don’t be afraid to let them go hungry if they refuse the “safe” foods. It might help to say, “well, I’ll leave the cheese and crackers on the table if you change your mind” - so they can eat later but save face in the “battle.”

It's omly really my 5y.o that has bad teeth and the dentist has agreed that is because she's had so much milk, she'd have milk 2 or 3 times in the night so it was left sitting on her teeth which doesn't make me feel good in the slightest and it's obviously not her fault but I've had more children in such a short space of time, I have definitely taken the easy route in getting her back to sleep quickly. I admit that.
Definitely not lethargic, they move constantly. They don't sit down at all, pale yes.

5.yo enjoyed the pasta, she said that was her favourite bit. She did eat the sausage as well but quickly became bored of it. Hated beans, hated bacon, hated veg
3y.o liked the beans but nothing else was eaten

The waffle was because I offered toast or a waffle. You might not agree with it but I'm still resetting their habits. It's less than they were given yesterday.

It was my 3 year old that woke up crying, 5y.o soon joined in

Breakfast was rice krispies

On getting rid of waffles: don’t say, “they’re bad for you and we’re never having them again.” Just say, “we don’t have any waffles - more cereal or back to bed.”

“The waffle was because I offered toast or a waffle. You might not agree with it but I'm still resetting their habits. It's less than they were given yesterday.”

You’re right, I don’t agree with it. Not because I’m mean, but because I think you’re making it harder on yourself.

One slice of white toast = 40g = 1.4g of sugar
One McVities toasting waffles = 25g = 7.4g of sugar

Now at this point, I’ve not even said the % of daily amount, because they’re not eating a lot.

What matters is what’s happening in that moment.

1. You’re keeping a treat, sweet food as an option
2. You’re setting them up for a sugar crash that’s only going to send them begging for more

So if you want to offer 2 options… that really is your choice. But toast or cereal would be better than toast or waffles. You’re honestly doing yourself no favours teaching them that a waffle is an every day breakfast.

What’s your lunch plan? If everything has shifted earlier because of last night, I’d advise a snack (cheese and crackers, buttered toast type thing) to keep things going to still have a normal lunchtime.

Good news on the pasta! It’s cheap, easy and filling, and over time becomes a good vehicle for introducing veg in sauces.

Your 7yo and 5yo liked it 👏🏻
Which is a big move forward from yesterday when you said none of them did.

Obviously don’t bring back all the old foods in one go, but I wouldn’t write off foods they’ve previously rejected - like mashed potato. It really might not be the case!

If waffles are a food they will reliably eat, don't get rid of them yet. The goal right now is to get then eating at mealtimes and having 1-2 'safe' foods (foods they're almost guaranteed to eat) as part of every meal means there is never 'nothing' they can eat.

As an example, last night we had chicken wraps for tea. Half the chicken fillets were flavoured and half were left plain, there was wraps, rice, corn on the cob, coleslaw, cucumber, and tomatoes plus various sauces (salsa, sour cream, etc). DC with the restrictive diet will eat plain chicken and cucumber, so there were two safe foods available. They ate about a quarter of a wrap (dry with nothing on it) and declared it delicious , they also took some tomatoes and poked them around their plate but didn't eat them.

I have had two kids with asd who have been very difficult with eating. I think the advice above from Hospedia is spot on.
I think that the more upset you become, the worse it is as the kids realise this is something to battle over. If you are worried about them being hungry in the night, include an evening before bed piece of toast and drink. I think the key is to have regular meal times, serve a range of stuff including known liked foods, limit snacks to healthy stuff and show no reaction to the negative behaviour. If you can't ignore completeley, you could say 'Oh it's a pity you didn't eat some of your pasta' but show no real upset or bother about it. I think modelling good eating yourself is also helpful.

The best advice I was given was to give a child something they really like at every meal along with whatever the rest of the family is having and never remark on how much they eat. So I give my son either a yogurt, cracker, piece of chocolate etc and then whatever I'm having eg porridge, sandwich casserole. I put no emphasis on meals at all I leave the food there and don't comment on whether he eats or not. My son has sensory issues and at one stage was only eating 5 foods and I was throwing out 99 percent of his meals. It was very hard but he has gradually began to try more foods and eats most of his dinners. My son is now 3 and a half. When he was two he didn't taste or try any dinner I cooked for six months he refused them all. Yesterday he had bacon and cabbage and ate everything on the plate. Kids can be fussy but the more you push the harder they fight. Don't be so hard so hard on yourself your doing a great job ♥

Have just finished with lunch, I don't actually have that much food in so must remember to do a shop
Lunch for 3y.o was ham sandwich
The other two had cheese.
All 3 ate the actual bread but crust was binned.
They had the choice of a yoghurt or a yoghurt milk slice thingy. Chose a yoghurt
Then another choice of two tuc biscuits or 1 cookie. They chose tuc biscuits but they haven't eaten them

I'm very limited on what I have available to give them so may not have been the best time to start. It may not look the best to you, what I really want to achieve is that they eat their main meals and stop the snacking. Don't get me wrong their diet is abysmal but if I can get them back on the track for 3 meals and 2 light snacks either side then I know it can be possible to change their diet too
They used to love baby bells, they are £3.10 and don't even last two days!!
Part of the price increase in everything has made me need to change what they eat, really can't afford it

The only good thing about the price rises ❤️🤣
Kids really do flock to the stuff that marketed and packaged for them… like Babybel. No surprise, the companies know what they’re doing.
That sounds like a really successful lunch 👍🏻

The TUC biscuits with butter and cheese will make a good afternoon snack, and if you’ve got the refused grapes from yesterday (I’m assuming they’re sometime eaten or you wouldn’t have given them) that would be nice. Anything like carrot, cucumber or tomatoes in a small sharing bowl too.

What’s your plan for dinner tonight?

I remember one Mum going to her GP saying that all her child would eat was chocolate and cauliflower. The doc paused a moment then said: that is a perfect balanced diet!

Well done for starting on a new regime - all power to your elbow!!

If you think they are likely to mess their food up, just give them tiny portions. Just a thought!

Afternoon snack is this OK? This is for the 3 of them so I tried not to overload the bowls

Banana already eaten

Looks lovely! I think shared bowls are good… doesn’t put pressure on one person to finish their plate, but keeps the pressure on to have some more before your siblings swipe your favourites, and less likely to play with it if not solely yours.

Great work 👏🏻

Thank you coco 😌 I've just done the food shop so dinner is chicken strips and rice or pizza
Two chose pizza, one chose chicken so I think after today I'm going to take away the choice and just end up making it but reducing how much I'm giving them as I don't have time to be making 2 different meals as I'm going back to work on Monday 😬

You're doing great!

Just read through all todays updates.
You’re doing great!!!! 🤩🤩🤩🤩

Sounds good 👍🏻
If you want some element of choice, get them involved in a weekly meal plan.
You list the dishes available, and they each get 2 nights a week to choose what’s planned for that day. That way they know, if pizza isn’t their favourite, the chicken strips or sausage pasta that they like is coming up within days!

Do you have a mixed bowl of veg you could put with that tonight? Same as the carrots, peas and sweetcorn from last night? No matter if they don’t eat it, don’t talk about it. Just have it there to start to normalise the idea that veg comes with most main meals. Eat it bit by bit yourself if they’re not touching it. Just a small amount on the table is fine, just to make it normal.

Stop buying biscuits and cheese strings, no one needs them. Unless they have learning disabilities, hungry children eat. So if they won't eat proper food then don't worry about it, they will once they are hungry.