To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

OP you need to start eating better yourself. You will not loose weight starving yourself nor will your body be healthy. Set a time good example with the kids sit down have breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. I have 3 kids and it’s not easy. My eldest has autism so food issues are a major difficulty but he has to eat 3 meals a day and snacks though I let him eat more of what he wants. The younger ones age 5 and 2 have to eat or no sweets, treats etc. The youngest will throw food so only gets one thing at a time now.

We have a rotation of the same 'safe' food every day for my 2yo. I'll offer him a side of something new (usually what we are having, especially if he wouldn't usually eat it). If I give him the same as us, he won't eat it. It's so frustrating, but it's at least vaguely balanced.

He will reliably eat:
Breakfast: weetabix and blue milk

Snack: raisins or cheese crackers

Lunch: all the components of a ham and cheese sandwich separately placed in a bowl. A plate isn't the blood same.

Snack: Hovis biscuit and some fruit

Dinner: pasta, peas, grated cheese. Mustn't bloody touch. Yoghurt. Pasta CAN touch the yoghurt

Focus on 1 meal at a time and get it cracked, even if it's the exact same every day. Bin all the crap food - crisps, cereal bars etc. It's easier to not give in, if it's not there.

Could you approach it as a family project? That you recognise that you also need to improve your diet. Put a new veg on the table and everyone try it. Including you. Chat about it. Then if none of you are keen, you could try cooking it a different way. They get the demonstration from you that trying things is good, and that even grown ups have their likes and dislikes.

Luckily I always ate my veg as a child but to be honest, any veg in my childhood was always boiled to oblivion and it was only when I started cooking for myself that I tried other different veg and different ways of cooking them that I really love veg.

Roast carrots are lovely and sweet, Parsnips taste totally different roasted as well. DP hated cauliflour, but when I roast it with a chili -adobo oil drizzle, he loves it.

DS was quite fussy. He's not a fan of 'wet' foods, and for a while would pretty much only eat plain pasta. He would have a smoothie though so I felt as long as he got that into him, he wasn't going to die of scurvy! And very slowly I got him to try things at meal times. If he didn't like it, that was fine, I made sure he knew that our tastebuds grow with us and things he hated as a baby, he might like now - and it's worked with a few foods. He's still a bit of a fussy eater but has improved.

Also you need to sit down with them and start instilling good table habits. Soup isn't paint, food isn't for sensory play and to use cutlery.

If you get rid of all the snacky stuff then you can't cave when they beg - it's just not there.

Porridge is bland but filling - when DS was point-blank refusing to eat meals that I made, he got that as an option and at least I knew he had a full tummy at bed time.

This wont' be something you can crack overnight but you can chisel away at the habits and gradually replace them all - for all of you.

OP this all sounds massively hard and stressful (hugs).

I do think you need to take a step back - your children are essentially eating the same as you. Can you address your own diet and start having some family meals. Put things in bowls and people help themselves. No comments about how much eaten / not eaten.

Can you speak to the GP about your own diet and start making steps to improve that and basically just offer them the same.

Get rid of all the snacks - only have things in the house which you would be happy for them to eat.

It sounds like you’ve been trying loads. I would just get them to sit at the table. Give them a choice of two things for each meal. If it’s not eaten explain no snacks until the next meal. If a snack is given choice of fruit. If they say they’re hungry say well the next meal is at x time.

Pouring water into the carpet and rubbing soup in their arms stood out to me as highly inappropriate behavior from a five year old and not really acceptable from a three year old either. Do struggle with how to discipline with them in general from how you were treated as child? There seems a lot to unpack but I think the best thing you can do is concentrate on getting the help you need for PND, you sound completely overwhelmed and you can only fix things one at a time and slowly.

OP I had a very fussy eater who is improving massively.

Firstly I would say that your diet is modelling to them it's ok to not eat. You have breakfast but then skip lunch and dinner. They need to see you eat those meals too. You need to sit as a family eating together.

We worked on the basis making the same meal for all of us, with tweaks and adaptions for Dd. We always made sure there was a safe food available.

Contrary to previous posters, I wouldn't do a wholesale change. I would make small changes, switch the chocolate for fruit, find a fruit they like and then they can expand their fruit choices slowly. Then later make the change from white bread, to half and half and then to whole meal. By making smaller gradually changes our DD has been more willing to try new options, she knows she doesn't have to try anything, but she now chooses to.

Good luck op

I haven’t read the full thread, but have you seen the website/ Instagram page Solid Starts? She has an extreme picky eater and has created a business with a team of professional who give excellent advice to people in exactly your situation. Handy workable tips that you can start using straight away to ease your stress. Check it out. I think she’s amazing, and gives such practical real life support. Hope it helps you.

This is my elder child plate
I'm so delighted with her, she's eaten all of her pasta, tried some beans and she wants a second plate of pasta 😭 I'm so emotional, it's been years and she hasn't had dinner!!

@TeddyisMydog

This is my elder child plate I'm so delighted with her, she's eaten all of her pasta, tried some beans and she wants a second plate of pasta 😭 I'm so emotional, it's been years and she hasn't had dinner!!

Brilliant!

One thing that massively helped me change my mindset about picky eater kids was a friend who said:

Don't offer them a treat of sweets when they finish their healthy meal. This gets into their mind that the meal is bad and has to be endured to get the treat (sweet).

If you need to offer them a bribe then make it non-food.
Hey, let's finish out meal, and then we'll go to the swing park/watch a cartoon/read a book/play a game.

Worked well for me.

Good luck xx

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 That’s fantastic!
Now do not let it set you back if you don’t get that every day. But just be consistent. It will help the 5 and 3yo’s to see you and their sister eating, too.

I'm so delighted with her, she's eaten all of her pasta, tried some beans and she wants a second plate of pasta 😭 I'm so emotional, it's been years and she hasn't had dinner!!

WOW!!! Well done you!

Your plan is working - stick to it!

Oh, OP.

My heart is really aching for you. I think you need to reach out to professionals for help.

It sounds to me like you've been struggling for such a long time. What a lot to deal with, and not enough support.

I'm sorry your medication didn't work out. There is help out there. I am wondering if you might benefit from some urgent mental health support, extra help with the children, plus a referral to a dietician and a family counsellor or a specialist in eating disorders. You may need to try many times to find out what works for you. You may need to take baby steps. Please do start even if it's the most tiny step, just to do something small for yourself.

Can you go back to your doctor and ask to try something else? If meds aren't working, there are many other options to try.

Have you a health visitor you could ask? If you're in England/Wales you can self refer for mental health support.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/social-care-and-your-rights/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

Headspace app is free.

Insight Timer app has various meditations for free.

This organisation helps with eating disorders. I don't want to upset you, but it sounds to me like you and your children all need help with this.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/osfed/

Wishing you all the very best.

• just saw your update.

Fab, OP. Hope this is the start of things improving for all of you.

There you go!

If they are having dinner now, will they have tea before bedtime? Even a milky drink or a smoothie before teeth brushing will help them sleep through? Or even more pasta if they are willing to eat it?

I think if you all are getting less disruption to your sleep due to hungry tummies it'll be a massive help to you all as well.

@Hospedia's advice on this thread is brilliant, I really recommend saving her posts.

It's hard to escape when you've got into a cycle of bad habits, but eating is a social time and all sitting together to enjoy food without stressing about how much is eaten or bribing/cajoling will pay dividends!

Loved your update OP! Good for you xx

Try some alternatives for breakfast like porridge or greek yogurt and chopped or mashed banana. Make mid morning snack the healthier one, apple slices to dip in peanut butter, baby bell and pear, bread sticks and berries etc. Try thr hot meal at lunch or try and vary the way you get veg in them. My daughter is really fussy with textures but will eat soups that are smooth. Try soup in a cup and some toast fingers to dip in it. I roast some veggies and onion in the oven for 30 mins then blitz them up with some stock to make soup. Also anything with sauce can have some veg in. I wouldn't worry so much about how much they eat at every meal but m9re about getting some variety accross the week. Also just have fewer snacks like crisps in the house. And give them a healthier snack in front of the tv, they are more likely to eat it if distracted.

@TeddyisMydog excellent work OP!
I’m so happy for you, hang in there!

I only wanted to add that as a kid I really detested vegetables. Then one day my grandma made the veggie sides for a bbq and she made them all up so well I couldn’t believe it was even the same food.
For example she put loads of salty butter and mint on the peas (which were petit pois rather than those huge garden pea things). They weren’t at all like the greying, overboiled things my mum would make!
Now I’m older I’ve tried to learn how to make vegetables actually taste nice. I think I like most of them now but it’s a long process.

Making a pasta sauce by frying onions and garlic, then adding tinned tomato and chopped carrot and blending it all together is also an excellent way to get a few more vegetables into any diet, be that yours or your DC’s.

There’s so much good advice on this thread, you can do it OP!

It's not easy to admit things aren't going well and that you need help. Throw in a 4 month old aswell and no wonder you are struggling! You've done well reaching out for help and have had some really good advice on here, I hope things continue to get better ❤

Are there other issues with your children behaviourally? NT children of 3 & 5 should not be rubbing soup up and down their arms and pouring water out on the floor because they don’t want it at that moment. I would wonder if these issues around food are indicative of a lack of boundaries/bad behaviour generally or perhaps even a developmental issue. I would have been quite cross if my kids at 5 years old sat at the table rubbing soup into their bodies and pouring unwanted drinks on my carpet. It’s not acceptable behaviour.

Stop buying unhealthy processed foods. Cheese strings, crisps, biscuits, flavoured yogurts… just stop buying all of it. If it’s not in the house then they can’t eat it.
Offer them healthy foods at regular intervals. If mine don’t eat their dinner I never worry about them being hungry later, I just assume that they are not eating because they are not hungry.

Fabulous update! Well done OP

My advice would be try not to worry. As long as they aren't hungry and you are offering food they'll be ok.

I used to do two days of food that I liked with a pudding (they would eat the pudding), then a meal that they would eat but no pudding.

Wait it out. Mine started eating properly when hit their mid teens. Then they complained I wasn't cooking enough meat fish veg meals.
Umm, up until now you wouldn't eat them.