To ask how to get my children to eat properly

[TeddyisMydog]

Probably not an aibu but I'm in serious need of a change.

My children (the eldest is a good eater but the younger, 5y.o and 3y.o) are shockingly bad. For example this morning

Cereal : weetabix minis not eaten
Grapes, not eaten
Pancake not eaten
Then they'll cry and scream for crisps which I try hard not to give in to.
They had a jelly then a fibre one bar.
They then had a cheese string, a bag of mini cookies

5y.o is currently at a hospital appointment so lunch for the 3y.o
Sausage roll, sandwich, yoghurt, two jammy dodgers and a drink.

She poured the drink into the yoghurt, everything else was crumpled into bits.

I would put money on her asking for food within ten minutes.
I don't even bother making them a hot dinner anymore as they completely refuse it.

I've tried : shouting, not shouting, making us all eat together, making meals that they can pick at, I've tried buffet style, I've tried letting them eat it on the floor, letting them eat it outside, telling them they won't get a desert, giving in and saying "one bite and you get a desert!" I've even let them have dinner in front of the TV. I've tried giving them a choice of what food to have and I've tried just picking their food and saying there is nothing else. Someone once suggested a snack box but they ate it within an hour and it was a long 4 hours of hearing them cry and whinge for something else.

They wake 3 maybe 4 times a night crying that they are hungry which hurts my heart. I don't usually give them anything so they have to wait until cereal which again goes un eaten.

I'm about to engage in a massive health kick as I am starting to feel very down about my weight and looking in the cupboard there is easily £12 worth of biscuits and crap, nothing filling.

My children don't eat any fruit or veg.
Food at nursery gets sent home so they don't eat there either.
At my lowest point I begged my elder to just eat some chocolate so there was something in her belly (that was the day she'd chosen to eat a cheese string all day)
They don't have birthday cakes either as it goes to waste (my daughter had one for her 4th and 5th birthday, pulled the icing off then binned it)
My 3 year old had one for her birthday last year and just mushed it.

I have a 4 month old baby and PND so please be kind in your replies, I am knackered to my core so I've let them get away with their eating habits, it's going to take all of my strength to change it but I need to do something, we waste so much food it's shocking.

@TeddyisMydog amazing job on tea tonight!

I have a dysfunctional relationship with food (I’m working on it) and it sounds like you do too
You know how food can become a battleground with life long effects.

I know how hard it is but please try to change for you and the DC.
You need to model the behaviour you want to see from your DC.
“It’s ok not to eat meals, Mum doesn’t”

How about trying 7 days of you all sitting down to 3 meals a day.
No comments just serve food and narrate how nice your food is…..worth a try?

You need to look after yourself too

Start eating proper dinners with two portions of veg for your dinner and serving it to your children too. It sounds like you don’t eat any veg either? It is really important that your children see you eating fruit and vegetables. Serve the food up and let them see you eating it and enjoying it. Don’t comment on whether they eat the food or not. If they say they aren’t hungry then trust them.
You seem worried about them being hungry so you let them fill up on crap. There is nothing wrong with feeling a bit hungry.
Let them see you snacking on a banana or satsuma or apple. If they say they are hungry between meals then offer them a piece of fruit.

OP I think that you are really, really brave.
Not only do you have four little children to look after - a tremendous amount of work and responsibility - but you have come here - to a dangerously critical place, where anyone and everyone can comment - because you want to try to do your very best for them.

I really admire you for that. I'm sure that it's going to take time, but am also sure that you will get there with good advice from hospedia and others. Your update is very good news.

How much are they drinking? A child I know never ate, he filled his belly with squash. Maybe try cutting back the fluids so they actually are hungry

She ate the sausages too! That’s great! That recipe can come out a couple of times a week or more if you need it to. When something works, make it a regular thing. Everyone does this, we all have a small number of favourite family meals we dish up week in week out. Mine include spaghetti bolonaise, frozen fish and chips and peas, tuna and mayonnaise pasta (often with beans), salmon and broccoli cooked with sow sauce and honey, baked beans and fried egg on toast, and chilli with rice. I don’t play with new recipes every week and a lot of meals need to be easy and require limited imagination and decision making at the end of a long day at work or toddler wrangling. You will find options that work for you and your kid. It really doesn’t matter if it’s the same 3 or 4 meals on repeat. You just have to keep making basic meals and offering a variety of foods and the diets will slowly improve. Don’t give up on the days where they don’t eat or hardly eat. One day is non issue. You have to look at what they’re eating across a few days or a whole week to know if they are getting enough and if the balance is ok. Your aiming for adequate nutrition and a new family culture of sitting down together for at least one meal a day (at least you and the kids). You’re going to be changing your diet and your kids’ diets at the same time, and you’re going to keep serving the foods that work and keep trying small portions of new things (focusing particularly on fruit and vegetables) every week.
Today was a brilliant start.

My tuna and mayonnaise pasta is served with frozen green beans. I’m not sure how I feel about baked beans in that particular meal!

My 5 year old is Spiderman mad and is desperate to be like him. His motivation on days he is being fussy with food is that if he doesn't eat his dinner up or eat healthy food, he might stop growing and won't have strong muscles like Spiderman.

We give him a fact for each food as well - that broccoli gives you strong bones/makes you run faster/more clever etc etc.

And when that fails, I have to put secret magic in his dinner that gives him super strength and once eaten, he gets to wrestle his Dad in dramatic WWF style, throwing him around the room.

@TeddyisMydog

That’s great!

This is so hard for you but eating all that pasta is incredible! I think you need professional advice.

But just to say you are doing so well! It will come right!

Another vote here for the divided labour advice.
When my kids were little I had the same battle. It does make you feel like a terrible parent, but you really arnt, you just need to wrangle back the controls.
Your job/responsibility as a parent is to provide two or three relatively healthy meals (in whatever format you choose - finger food or meat and two veg, whatever). That is where your job/responsibility ends. Thats it. After that it is down to your human children to make the choice of eating it. There will be no alternative offered. There will be a time limit of your choosing.
They will rant and rail and kick up a stink. But you will be calm and brook no shit. They will get hungry. That's fine, hunger is not dangerous, hey will not starve; the human instinct to stay alive is strong - even in children. They will eventually eat what they are offered. Everything else is bluff and bluster.

A hungry child will eat. Stop the snacks/treats and do 3 meals a day. Breakfast lunch and dinner. No pudding no fancy drinks. Offer fruit in-between but just a small bit. Children will soon learn to eat what is given. This was how I was raised with ally friends before snacking and sweets became part of kids daily food diet. The old ways work.

Hi OP, your own upbringing sounds terrible re food and so it was always going to be a battle to break free from that.

I think when things are calmer it would be worth reflecting if your DC are in normal weight range and their food intake over say a week not just a day. They're probably eating more than you think.

My DSis was rarely hungry as a child - she just didn't need many calories. She ate only bread and jam at one point. She has grown up to be a normal weight and eats a range of foods.

If you can afford it, Noom is a good app that addresses the psychological side of eating.

Good luck.

so can I ask again...the divided responsibility thing......how long do you let the child not eat for?

When our 4-5 yr old was being stubborn about eating veg on his plate, we sometimes played a game where he closed his eyes - we put a fork full of something in his mouth, and he had to guess what it was...ie chicken, carrot or broccoli. Worked a bit to get food in.

OP I just want to tell you you're amazing. Four kids with no family support is no joke! I have one four year old and loads of help from my mum and I struggle often. I'm wishing you all the best with everything. If it's any comfort me and my sisters were terrible eaters (only sugar sandwiches at one point). Now we're grown up we all eat really well loads of fruit veg and hardly any processed stuff. So they hopefully will grow out of it over time. Well done not forcing them the same way you were. Big hugs xx

I do have diluting juice in the house but it's not very often they get it. Maybe once a week at the weekend,

Try not to create cravings or turn certain foods or drinks into something really desirable.

If there is juice, offer it daily. It's only addictive and desirable if you turn it into something far more special than it is.

If you don't want them having it then stop buying it. Say nothing.

Also, they are old enough to drop the full fat milk.
You can do this gradually until they are having fat free. The full fat milk is very filling but not necessary and there are better sources of nutrition.

Also, stop them from mashing food into the table and all the other sensory stuff you see at the table. Sit with them and eat. Remove food they are mashing and tell them that's not what people do with food.

Great about today's tea!
Is there anything in this that helps? mamaadventure.com/2021/08/18/fussy-toddler-10-easy-ways-to-feed-them-healthy-stuff/
I found the suggestions to stop eating junk in front of them and changing their drinks helpful (but hard as a BF mum to a newborn).

Stop giving them crisps, jammy Dodgers and all the other stuff with naff nutritional value. Cook them proper meals with veg and offer fruit and if they don't eat them they go without. A child won't starve themselves. They might refuse food for a while to scare parents but don't give in. If you and eldest child model good eating behaviour and eldest child gets a choc ice or whatever for dessert if all food eaten or at least most of it then younger kids will in time fall in. As long as you offer crap and processed food they will want that. You are making an them fussy eaters.

You do realise, and I mean this kindly, that your issues with food, naturally your children, have picked up.
Please start eating veg, eating with them ( yes I dieted years ago), tho still ate with my sons and their dad.
I was never forced or bullied over food, despite my parents coming from war ww2 years.
My sons had a few food issues, tho they got over them.
Be firm, set a good role model,

Can you try porridge for breakfast - and they get to choose the topping - jam/ syrup/ honey/ blueberries/ Nutella etc. That way they get some choice and it should fill them up for lunch.
I would do no snack mid morning - and maybe move lunch forward a bit if they are hungry.
It’s hard but I honestly would cut out the sugary and salty snacks. It’s filling them up so they are not getting hungry cues for meal times.
Good luck and go easy on yourself.
Try and eat with them too if you can. Sit down and have a satsuma on the sofa - and offer them a segment. They will subconsciously be learning eating habits from you

Oh goodness I feel so sorry for you. You're really up against it.

I think you and your kids need to rediscover a love of food. I know this might sound harsh but your diet sounds terrible too - you must be starving skipping so many meals (I put on 3.5st pregnant so I understand the desire to lose weight but you're doing it in a miserable way)

Can you do thinks like homemade pizzas with the ingredients out in little bowls, fajitas? Try to make all the colourful food fun? And absolutely stop buying biscuits and rubbish, you won't be able to resist giving them. My son is autistic and has a very limited diet so I do understand the need to get them fed but you need to have a couple of safe foods that aren't unhealthy - it's not perfect but I know my son will always eat peanut/almond/hazelnut butter on toast so I know I can do that before bed to stop him waking hungry.

Could you do things like a food chart? Make it a challenge you're all going to explore new foods?

Have you tried following Kids Eat In Colour on instagram? She has great advice, v approachable and normal- none of that perfect bento box Mum crap. Very real world. She gives excellent advice about how to get your children gradually exposed to and trying new foods, and when to give them control (they control how much they eat, you control what is offered and when it is offered).

Agree with PPs - model Eating with them - always eating the same thing as your kids- role modeling. Showing you enjoy it, but not using words that are too subjective- so rather than “this cucumber is really yummy I love it” (because then it’s easy for kids to see an opportunity to control by simply decrying that they “Hate it”) instead try something like “wow this cucumber is really crunchy!”

I think you can also explain to your children what is happening before you start the change. They are old enough to experience change as stress, but also old enough to understand your explanation. Something like
“Kids, I know you are often hungry, and you currently eat a lot of snacks. But the snacks don’t fill you up, and meals are not a happy time for us. I want to change this and have meals as a happy family time.
As a family we will now be changing the way we eat. We will eat 3 meals and 2 snacks together per day. Yes- we will still have snacks. These will be eaten at snack time, meals will be eaten at meal times - there will be no other foods outside of these times, at meal times you may have as much as you like from the menu .It is my job to offer you healthy, tasty food. It is my job to choose the menu, your job to choose how much you want to eat. I am looking forward for us to all eat together as a family”
And then just basically don’t comment on it again except echoing that script. Be a broken record.
Remember change isn’t easy for anyone, and it might get worse before it gets better, but consistency will likely help.

This sounds like a really hard time and I wish you every success in whatever method you choose. Kids Eat in Colour works for me.

@TeddyisMydog

This is my elder child plate I'm so delighted with her, she's eaten all of her pasta, tried some beans and she wants a second plate of pasta 😭 I'm so emotional, it's been years and she hasn't had dinner!!

Fabulous. 1 meal down.... onwards towards tomorrow.

Sorry this is long but Well done OP! I know that feeling of wanting to cry when your child finally eats!!

One thing I noticed from your posts was repeatedly saying 'I just want something in their bellies' and that your heart breaks when they say they're hungry. One piece of advice that worked for us was remembering that hungry children eat. When DD is hungry she will sit at the table and eat, you can see when the switch flips and she's not hungry because she starts to mess around, it's instant!

Now, even if she's had 2 baked beans when that happens I take a breath and respect that the hungry signal for her has gone, she knows she doesn't need more food in that moment and she's stopped eating. That's a valuable skill!!! I let her get down and set the boundary of no snacks till the next mealtime, or something like 'if you're really hungry you can have some carrot sticks' (she is not usually that hungry 😂). We may then have a meltdown before the next meal but so be it, it's hard but I breathe and love her through it.

You have it really hard so be kind to yourself and your children. You know what it is to be controlled around food and that's awful, well done for not perpetuating that.

Lastly, I second following Kids Eat In Colour on insta, also following the division of responsibility at mealtimes (you provide options, kids decide what and how much to eat). No stress for you, if they rage about it that's fine, let them rage. Remember... if they were hungry they would eat!

I m so sorry that you have PND - it is very hard to deal with anything at all when you are feeling so bad, let alone this sort of ongoing battle. The presence of a new baby will of course be relevant - the children are getting attention over food so this is one of the reasons they are being difficult over it.

The first and most important thing is to stop worrying about it and certainly to do your very best not to show them that it upsets you. To be honest this is part of why they are doing it - to get a reaction from you.

You could try giving them a healthy choice of breakfast and let them choose which of the things they want. Let them choose how much of each thing they want. Once it is on their plates then make it clear that there is an expectation that they must eat what they have chosen.

If they do not want any of it, then so be it. That too is their choice. Do not get upset - just say: that's fine, your choice. Then wait till the next mealtime before presenting them with another meal.

They will not starve. Throw away all the snacks - if they are not there they cannot have them.

Sorry to sound hard, but they are milking this!

Clearly there will be some foodstuffs that they simply do not like at all, so they should not appear in the choices you give them - we all have things we hate.

I am sorry that meals have become a battle ground. The more of a topic of conversation it becomes, the more picky they will become as it gives them control and attention.

Mine were given the choice of what they ate, in the sense that they could choose which items of a meal that I had cooked they wanted - and they chose their helpings. That gave them some control.

I hope that you are able to get on top of this soon. The main thing is not to get visibly upset about this - that is their reward! - it gives them a sense of achievement! Just present them with food and ignore it if they do not eat it. Do not comment even; just put the food away, and move on to the day's next activity.

You are "begging" your children to eat - this is what they want you to do" - the less they eat, the more attention they get - they are cunning little things, children! n- and they know you are tired and feeling unwell and have seized their chance!!

Just do not discuss it with them - food goes on table, they choose what they want, they either eat it or they do not. Food gets put away, subject closed. Np comments made.

I know it is a very basic instinct to provide nourishment to our children, but they are using this as a weapon - and very successfully.

I send you all good wishes and hope that you can muster the strength to be firm - it is hard, I know.