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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/04/2022 00:06

The only time I've known a high beam of critisism from a bloke that makes me cry is when they're hiding something and projecting.

Alysskea · 14/04/2022 00:07

YANBU you're doing your best. You're healthy enough and tired. What more does he want from you? Will he help you get it? Does he feel like taking on some of your responsibilities so you can cook yourself a proper lunch?

MarilynValentine · 14/04/2022 00:09

Wanker. Fucking wanker.

He could have said darling I’m worried about you, how can I support you more?

How much running around after your DC does he do?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 14/04/2022 00:11

Was he constructive or attacking you? There is a big difference here!

Notonthestairs · 14/04/2022 00:12

"He could have said darling I’m worried about you, how can I support you more?"

This is spot on. He might be right to worry but he should be doing a lot more listening to your thoughts and then responding.

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend (or a nice husband).

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 14/04/2022 00:13

He is not concerned about you, someone who is would not be so nasty. He’s concerned that you are probably larger than you were (like most women after children). He’s a prick. I hope you have good people around you.

RewildingAmbridge · 14/04/2022 00:18

If I came home and DH was passed out on the bed (your words) after drinking, whilst in sole charge of DS I wouldn't be pleased either. He's framed it as you not looking after yourself which skipping meals and the passing out through tiredness/wine implies you're not, that's not good for your health and that's not good for your child. Eat breakfast or something other than hula hoops for lunch, have an early night if you need one. You might feel less exhausted if you were eating properly. Not a big ask.

OnaBegonia · 14/04/2022 00:20

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 14/04/2022 00:21

One glass of wine does not equal passed out! You were knackered!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 14/04/2022 00:22

Bollox OnaBegonia.

DSGR · 14/04/2022 00:22

I’m not sure, I’d be a bit concerned if my other half was passed out in charge of our 2yo. My other half has a bad diet (apart from the food I cook) and I do worry about him. Not enough vitamins, overweight, doesn’t exercise. These years with young kids are hard for all of us but I wish he cared a bit more about his health. And I don’t consider myself a wanker wife

Mucky1 · 14/04/2022 00:23

You weren't passed out your were asleep. Shock

Keepitonthedownlow · 14/04/2022 00:24

Passed out during the day or at night?

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:26

He has a bit of health anxiety, his Dad died very suddenly at a fairly young age (late 50s I think), so I do understand his worry.

I sound like a dick now, but I'm not any larger post DD. I just seem to have a good metabolism! Now just wait a few years for that to bite me on my unexercised arse...

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 14/04/2022 00:27

If the 2 year old was in a bed and you had merely fallen asleep on the bed before getting undressed then I really don't see the problem.

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:27

@DSGR thanks for your comment. I want to hear what it feels like from his perspective too

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 14/04/2022 00:30

@gamerchick

The only time I've known a high beam of critisism from a bloke that makes me cry is when they're hiding something and projecting.
Agreed!
707smile · 14/04/2022 00:35

I think you know your DP and how this was meant.

He might be being critical and nasty and trying to make you feel like you're incapable of looking after yourself or being responsible.

He might be genuinely worried about you (especially given his family history) and wanting to help you to change some unhealthy habits [bear in mind, he'll need to cover all of your childcare/housework jobs for you to fit in exercise classes/running or whatever!] but then he should have the awareness to know how busy you are and to realise that you're actually getting unstructured exercise (e.g. running around after your DD) all day long.

VyeBrator · 14/04/2022 00:36

@OnaBegonia

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!
Bloody spot on, sadly.
WonderfulYou · 14/04/2022 00:48

I’ve not voted as neither of you are being unreasonable.

You don’t sound extremely unhealthy but he also loves you and cares about you so wants you to take care of yourself.

Being so exhausted you fall asleep in your clothes is a sign that things need to change.
We have all been there but we know it’s not healthy.

Do you only have the one child?

I find many parents care about their health more once they’ve had a child as they’re worried about what will happen if one of you becomes ill.

TheOriginalEmu · 14/04/2022 00:59

‘Passed out’ is a bit dramatic after 1 glass of wine. People get tired.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 01:09

If he was home, why did you need to hear your child doing what-the-fuck?

He can deal with it.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2022 01:13

It sounds like some changes are needed if you are so exhausted. What does he propose??

Ask him that.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2022 01:13

And 💐 for you.

user1471457751 · 14/04/2022 02:08

I don't get why posters have jumped on the idea the DP is nasty - nothing in the OP says this. The fight may v well have been started by the OP, it may also not have been a real argument. There is not enough detail to tell. Why the need for responses to be so exaggerated?