DP upset at me for not looking after myself

[CoralieBoralie]

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

He's a dick and either has a woman on the side or is looking for one.

How many working mothers of toddlers are not exhausted? Ffs! It's normal. OP, put the blame where it fairly belongs. If you were crashed out his response should have been supportive, not critical.

@LetitiaLeghorn

If I got home and found my husband passed out after drinking a beer and our 2yo was crying in her room, I'd be less than impressed. I don't understand that if a man does it, he's guilty of neglectful parenting but if a woman does it, he's guilty of neglectful husbanding. Or he's having an affair. The ops husband did not offer an opinion on her eating habits. She asked him so he replied honestly. Should he have lied? Maybe he's beginning to get the ick and he wants to sort things out before the marriage becomes urretrievable. I dont think any of what the ops done or is doing is that bad and can be easily remedied for the ops benefit. But why can't advice to men and women be more consistent rather than berating men and sympathising with women for the same actions?

This. If a woman wrote a story about coming home to find DP passed out on the bed with baby crying in the next room, she'd be told that her husband was a useless drunk. How about some consistency ?

@LetitiaLeghorn

If I got home and found my husband passed out after drinking a beer and our 2yo was crying in her room, I'd be less than impressed. I don't understand that if a man does it, he's guilty of neglectful parenting but if a woman does it, he's guilty of neglectful husbanding. Or he's having an affair. The ops husband did not offer an opinion on her eating habits. She asked him so he replied honestly. Should he have lied? Maybe he's beginning to get the ick and he wants to sort things out before the marriage becomes urretrievable. I dont think any of what the ops done or is doing is that bad and can be easily remedied for the ops benefit. But why can't advice to men and women be more consistent rather than berating men and sympathising with women for the same actions?

Agree there been a plethora of threads like this recently, most notably one where the dw was running up thousands of pounds on credit cards buying drugs and some posters were berating the concerned dh calling him controlling about money and her lifestyle!

Except the toddler wasn’t crying, was she? It sounds like the toddler was in bed and the OP had a baby monitor.

If he was concerned there are ways of talking about it that aren't arguing and making you cry

I used to get told I don’t “exercise” enough in a structured way when I had young children and was exhausted. I started using a Fitbit to check my step count and with young children and work I often got to 20000 steps a day and on lazy rainy days it would be 14000 ish. So whilst I didn’t have the energy for the gym or running I was getting plenty of exercise.

Glad to see the double standards on MN continue. Only you know what sort out of row it was - only you know whether he is being an arse or is concerned. If you were tired & tipsy enough to pass out after one glass of wine then that's probably enough to make you more upset than usual. You haven't said what time it was - 10pm, probably fine, 1pm not fine.

Why aren't you making time to eat? Do you sit down with DD for breakfast and lunch (on your days off work)? Why aren't you taking a proper lunch break? I'd go back to DH with a plan of how he can support you to make better choices - he can do bedtime X amounts per week so you can get out to exercise classes for example.

Oh, was it drugs she was buying? The OP wouldn’t say at first and when I came back to the thread it had been zapped. I think most people were responding on that thread when they had no idea what she’d spent the money on.

I think this thread is crazy though. I can’t believe people are giving the OP a hard time because she was tired and fell asleep. As long as the child was safe, it’s nothing.

@Ebony69

Why is it that a man’s motivation for almost anything is assumed to be malevolent? I don’t think there’s enough information to place his comment into context. And I agree and guarantee that if a man had passed out when in the care of a 2 year old, (the OP has used this term herself) people wouldn’t be so understanding. In fact, people (who weren’t actually there) are correcting the OP and telling her that she didn’t pass out, seemingly because it doesn’t fit the narrative of the woman who is always blameless and whose behaviour can always be contextualised. Ridiculous double standards.

Absolutely this. He isn’t criticising how the OP looks, he is concerned for diet and lifestyle and has a valid reason for that concern.

If you pass out after a glass of wine I would suggest you are tired but also not eating enough either.

I am actually wondering why you drank the wine, alone, on a weeknight ? It suggests not great health habits TBH .

I think before insulting the DP it would be worth getting his side of the story. Has he spoken to Op before about not looking after herself (nutrition, exercise, sleep)? Cos his reaction is extreme if it's the first time. It's possiblly the last straw for him after trying hard to help OP be healthier, we don't know.

Agree with PP that of a woman came home to a passed out husband after drinking then everyone would be criticising him. Especially if we were told he doesn't eat enough/healthily and doesn't exercise...

This. If a woman wrote a story about coming home to find DP passed out on the bed with baby crying in the next room, she'd be told that her husband was a useless drunk. How about some consistency ?

If OP had been passed out in the bed with the baby crying she’d definitely have been told she was a useless drunk. But seeing as that isn’t what happened…

Why do you only eat a bag of hula hoops all day? What do you normally eat in the evening?

It doesn’t sound like you’re eating enough calories to sustain the amount of energy you’re using ie running after a toddler. That’s why you’re exhausted. You say it’s your “fast metabolism” but it’s probably just because you’re eating less than a toddler.

Skipping breakfast and only eating crisps for “lunch” isn’t good enough. If you’re skipping 2 meals then you need to eat more throughout the day. Fruit isn’t enough.

What household tasks does dh do? Is he actively involved in his toddler’s routine in the evenings and on his days off?

@StopStartStop

He's a dick and either has a woman on the side or is looking for one.

How many working mothers of toddlers are not exhausted? Ffs! It's normal. OP, put the blame where it fairly belongs. If you were crashed out his response should have been supportive, not critical.

the conjecture in some responses is astounding. If my husband was not eating properly, knackered and falling asleep fully dressed, I’d be concerned too. And he would be for me.

Why don’t you eat breakfast and lunch with your child, @CoralieBoralie?

Doesn't sound like he worded things in a very nice way. I think you ought to make time for eating well though, bad eating habits really can affect your health and mood.

@RewildingAmbridge

If I came home and DH was passed out on the bed (your words) after drinking, whilst in sole charge of DS I wouldn't be pleased either. He's framed it as you not looking after yourself which skipping meals and the passing out through tiredness/wine implies you're not, that's not good for your health and that's not good for your child. Eat breakfast or something other than hula hoops for lunch, have an early night if you need one. You might feel less exhausted if you were eating properly. Not a big ask.

Agree with all of this. You don't eat enough fruit and veg or do enough exercise OP.

I understand your husband's pov.

@CoralieBoralie you need to eat more to boost your energy levels. You don’t have a fast metabolism, you’re just not eating enough. Have a look at this if you’re struggling with time: livehealthonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/lho-wmp-2000-calorie-meal-plan.pdf

@Painiscrap

No one, who is left in charge of a small child, should be drinking ANY alcohol. I’d be very concerned, if my dh had done this when in sole charge of my DCs

What a load of crap, she had a glass of wine, she wasn't drunk. You think no single parent should ever have a drink? No couple should ever both have a drink?

There's a difference between a drink or two & getting too bladdered to look after the children.

What time was it that your DH found you asleep?

@Ebony69

Why is it that a man’s motivation for almost anything is assumed to be malevolent? I don’t think there’s enough information to place his comment into context. And I agree and guarantee that if a man had passed out when in the care of a 2 year old, (the OP has used this term herself) people wouldn’t be so understanding. In fact, people (who weren’t actually there) are correcting the OP and telling her that she didn’t pass out, seemingly because it doesn’t fit the narrative of the woman who is always blameless and whose behaviour can always be contextualised. Ridiculous double standards.

No she didn't say she had passed out, she said HE accused her of being 'passed out' tired people fall asleep on the bed after putting their child to bed, this doesn't make them 'passed out' & neither does one glass of wine & she woke with him Opening the bedroom door, so hardly bloody passed out FGS

If my partner wasn’t eating breakfast, then only had a bag of hula hoops for lunch, I’d be worried about them too!

That is NOT a healthy way to eat.

It does sound as if you could look after yourself better-hopefully what he said was out of concern for you.

When you're not at work-surely you are out & about with your daughter & getting exercise that way?

Baffled by the comments
Because it rally doesn’t seem you have a healthy active life to me

I’m guessing you’re…twenties? Thirties? If one child and a 2 year old (just a guess!)

And yet you’re doing very very little exercise.

The “running around after a toddler” has never washed with me. Single parent and I had two very close in age. And “running around”??? I suppose you’d think that if you did very very little other exercise.