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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
Dsisproblem · 14/04/2022 09:09

I think DP may have a point. Obviously depends how he said it. It isn't good to just have crisps for lunch. If he is being constructive, maybe he could make you both a lunch the night before so it's ready in the fridge. Maybe you could exercise one or two nights per week while he puts DD to bed?

I've recently realised I've really neglected myself in the last 3 or 4 years and have started doing 2 or 3 twenty minute body coach YouTube sessions. My previous argument that I didn't have time just wasn't true.

Dsisproblem · 14/04/2022 09:10

@Dsisproblem

I think DP may have a point. Obviously depends how he said it. It isn't good to just have crisps for lunch. If he is being constructive, maybe he could make you both a lunch the night before so it's ready in the fridge. Maybe you could exercise one or two nights per week while he puts DD to bed?

I've recently realised I've really neglected myself in the last 3 or 4 years and have started doing 2 or 3 twenty minute body coach YouTube sessions. My previous argument that I didn't have time just wasn't true.

2 or 3 sessions per week I mean.
TheseDaysGoBy · 14/04/2022 09:12

I think you're both being unreasonable and should sit down to talk about it calmly instead of both getting defensive and upset with each other. So many arguments and fights in relationships can be avoided if both just have a mature conversation, listen to each other and find solutions.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 09:12

All these people saying it’s double standards etc. I wouldn’t be bothered if my husband was exhausted and fell asleep in this scenario. The child was fine and came to no harm.

That said, I do think your DH has a point re your self care. Start eating breakfast and lunch, doesn’t have to be a cooked lunch just a sandwich and some fruit or something. And exercise at least twice a week while your husband looks after the child, it’s good your mental and physical health.

Take some time to prioritise you!

Palloom · 14/04/2022 09:15

Being partnered up often sounds like torture to me. So many rules, so many criticisms, expectations, conformity.

I opted out of all that eventually. Live alone, drink wine, eat what I want and can be lazy. Kids all grown and gone and I will never worry about "having" to be or do this or that ever again.

Being with someone ALWAYS involves rules. I observed them at the time but never again.

Obelisk · 14/04/2022 09:15

Why do people keep changing what OP said? She didn’t say she fell asleep.

rookiemere · 14/04/2022 09:16

@ChameFangeNail post is very good.
We simply don't have enough information here to know what's going on and who's in the right or wrong.

And no - despite what some are saying on this thread - not all of us have ended up passed out on the bed fully clothed at unspecified time of day after alcohol.

Eggbert83 · 14/04/2022 09:16

@CoralieBoralie I was about to ask if he had a history of loss, and then saw you said he lost his father prematurely. I did too and I definitely have anxiety around health now. For people who haven't experienced that it can hard to truely understand but for the rest of us the worse has happened, when your loss resurfaces or feels raw you can be triggered into fearing the next calamity is just around the corner, ignorance really is bliss as they say!

The way he has approached this has clearly caused hurt, so if you think it is coming from a good place and is impacted by his previous experiences maybe you can discuss that. You can decide if there are small changes you would like to make, for yourself first and foremost but which may also make him feel more assured, and he can be reminded that like any anxiety he needs to keep it in check to a certain extent. Its OK to care but not to overly monitor or scrutinise in your effort to control the world around you. I've appreciated that my DP has had patience with me when I've been too much of a worry wort, as he's come to realise he doesn't see the world the same as me - our reality is different - him having two parents still alive and kicking, and me having spent my early 30s in hospital and hospices and now worrying about the widowed parent being lonely (see, you already have that to be worrying about so you do think something "dear god don't let it happen again!") But while he'll hear out any concerns I have he is also good at setting boundaries and will tell me to get back in my box if it's too much, which is important. Best of luck to you both

CaptSkippy · 14/04/2022 09:17

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LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 09:22

@Donkeyinamanger

“ Donkeyinamanger
I think the next conversation you need to have is how he is going to support you, and look after you a bit more so that things can change. He could for example make you a packed lunch, so you can just eat on the go, or take DC on a regular basis so you can catch up on sleep, and/or exercise. It could be a positive thing if he is willing to re balance things so your health can be more of a priority. I am assuming here that he is not just as tired, and struggling too, and that he was not just having a go with no plan to help change anything.”

Hahah omg, why would she need her husband to make her a packed lunch?!?

SleeplessInEngland · 14/04/2022 09:25

@Palloom

Being partnered up often sounds like torture to me. So many rules, so many criticisms, expectations, conformity.

I opted out of all that eventually. Live alone, drink wine, eat what I want and can be lazy. Kids all grown and gone and I will never worry about "having" to be or do this or that ever again.

Being with someone ALWAYS involves rules. I observed them at the time but never again.

I'm sure that's great advice to the OP who currently has a small child.
littlelowerdown · 14/04/2022 09:28

@OnaBegonia

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!
What absolute shit. Go away and find that thread if you can. It doesn’t exist.
tkwal · 14/04/2022 09:29

It must be wonderful having such a caring,teetotal partner who obviously does more than his fair share of housework and childcare . 😉 Maybe he's just a bit miffed that he no longer feels he's the centre of your universe( his Mum probably "relied" on him after his Dad's death so he was used to the attention) Whatever his excuse,he sulked enough for you to notice and when you asked what was up he had a list waiting.Most of which was unfair/untrue. Walking as much as you do is enough exercise and that's before you add on pushing a pram and lifting a child, plus working 3.5 days as well. It's no wonder you're exhausted.

Palloom · 14/04/2022 09:31

@SleeplessInEngland

It's called a future plan, everyone should have one. Otherwise stay alone.

Being partnered forever can be a prison and is highly overrated.

littlelowerdown · 14/04/2022 09:33

Regardless of the dynamic between you and your H, you only eat one meal a day and that is not healthy. As pp said, if you are tired all the time, the fact you are undereating is almost certainly contributing to that. Do not even think of increasing exercise until you start daily eating more calories.
Passing out fully dressed after just one glass of wine does suggest you are chronically overtired, probably due to lack of sufficient nourishment.

Walkaround · 14/04/2022 09:34

I’m not surprised you don’t exercise much and collapse on the bed after one glass of wine if you eat nothing but a bag of crisps and an evening meal each day.

Pluvia · 14/04/2022 09:36

When he came in in the evening (two-year-old safely asleep in bed) and found that you had fallen asleep fully clothed — which is what had happened — where had he been and what had he been doing? Had he been out at the gym or having a drink after work? Why isn't he at home to help you with your child in the evenings?

His response is classic passive aggressive: being angry with you but hiding it under a thin veneer of concern.

RussianSpy101 · 14/04/2022 09:37

I would be furious if I came home to what appeared to be my partner passed out with a glass of wine at the side of you whilst in sole charge of a toddler.
YABU

redbigbananafeet · 14/04/2022 09:38

What time did you drink your one glass of wine?

BoodleBug51 · 14/04/2022 09:41

I can see both sides here.

It's knackering having kids. Especially if you're doing 99.9% of the load as let's face it most women do.

But my DH doesn't take good care of himself, his diet is appalling and since turning 50, he's got a plethora of health conditions several of which are life limiting. But he still shoves sugar and fat into himself like it's going out of fashion. We've had a very angry talk about it on several occasions - and he insists that it's his right to eat whatever he likes. I've agreed, but made it very clear that I won't be taking on the role of his carer when the time comes. I also have a life long condition that requires strict dietary control and taking care of myself, which I do because I want to live as long and as well as I can.

You do have a DD to set a good example for here - both in terms of what's acceptable behaviour for a partner ie sharing the load, and a good diet.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 09:41

@RussianSpy101

I would be furious if I came home to what appeared to be my partner passed out with a glass of wine at the side of you whilst in sole charge of a toddler. YABU
@RussianSpy101 Would you really? Even if said toddler was in bed asleep?
OneTC · 14/04/2022 09:41

🤔

tbh nobody "passes out" after 1 glass. And people lie about intake as standard

DP upset at me for not looking after myself
vitahelp · 14/04/2022 09:43

I can relate to this somewhat as I have a very healthy DH. He eats very well, exercises a lot and doesn't drink. I only drink socially (every few weeks/months), eat almost the same as him and exercise most nights but just a quick 20 min cardio. However even without him saying anything I feel awkward and like I'm not as good as him, it is hard living with someone who is so healthy.
I have on occasion had a similar conversation to the one you had, usually it isn't an accumulation though, he just says it in the moment - e.g: you can't go for another meal out, you're already going for 2 meals that week etc. So it isn't as much of a shock but quite annoying all the same. I sympathise OP and I'm not sure what to suggest.

RussianSpy101 · 14/04/2022 09:43

@LuckySantangelo35 yes. I would assume somebody passed out from alcohol would be unlikely to both hear the toddler wake and take care of the toddler if they were to wake.
Very irresponsible to have the sole carer for the child passed out from alcohol!

JenniferBarkley · 14/04/2022 09:44

He might have a point about your diet OP, but with two adults and one two year old there should be enough scope for neither of you to be that exhausted.

So is your two year old particularly challenging (some of them just are!) or is he not pulling his weight? How much downtime do you each get?

Time for a frank discussion on both sides.