DP upset at me for not looking after myself

[CoralieBoralie]

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

I don't do voting OP I think it's a waste of time feature on here.
However I would truly ask your DP how he finds you dozing off on the top of your bed such a disaster. FFS.
He could be picking on you because of his own shortcomings. Whatever they might be.
Wouldn't stand it for a second. He's behaving like a right fuckwit.
Put him in his place. Forthwith.

Spot on.

Off this really was you randomly being exhausted and having a nap who cares.if your daughter was safe.it might no be linked to the drink.ww all need naps occasionally,also don't get why it's bad to lie on bed to do so in clothes.
Yes lunch could be better but.and u might need breakie to help you have energy for your day.the exercise bit is bullshit though.we don't all need to be fit bit mum's.movement should be for our benefit not to punish ourselves for eating or being a woman who must be in shape.
Sounds like a wider problem.you need to discuss it because his words were dickish if this is really as plain as uve put here.

If he is coming in so late that you are asleep after a single drink and the little one is asleep, then he is not pulling his weight family wise. Why do you work and do all the cooking, feeding, bedtime etc and he just walks in and criticises?

I would suggest that you agree that things are not good so you look forward to him cooking dinner and putting the wee one to bed tomorrow so that you can eat properly and get yourself into bed.

Is he Chris Hemsworth?

@Fraaahnces

Is he Chris Hemsworth?

Even if he was, he could fuck off if he wasnt pulling his weight!

But I am guessing that he is more Chris Evans than Chris Hemsworth!

And I mean annoying UK arsehole Chris Evans not hot US actor Captain America Chris Evans :o

That didnt drop into my brain until too late!

It sounds like he is worried about you, and health matters etc. Nothing wrong with this. Some people say things that sound critical, but don't actually mean to be critical really.

If I got home and found my husband passed out after drinking a beer and our 2yo was crying in her room, I'd be less than impressed. I don't understand that if a man does it, he's guilty of neglectful parenting but if a woman does it, he's guilty of neglectful husbanding. Or he's having an affair.
The ops husband did not offer an opinion on her eating habits. She asked him so he replied honestly. Should he have lied? Maybe he's beginning to get the ick and he wants to sort things out before the marriage becomes urretrievable.
I dont think any of what the ops done or is doing is that bad and can be easily remedied for the ops benefit. But why can't advice to men and women be more consistent rather than berating men and sympathising with women for the same actions?

So your crime was falling asleep before getting undressed? Or was this in the middle of the day? Not that it’s against the law to have a daytime nap, though daytime obviously drinking isn’t ideal.

But, op, don't cry. Just take advantage of the situation and start taking some time out for you to look after yourself and leave him to pick up the slack with your daughter which he'll do gladly as he's so concerned sbout you. 😉

@OnaBegonia

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!

^^ Yes, sadly this is true!

No one, who is left in charge of a small child, should be drinking ANY alcohol. I’d be very concerned, if my dh had done this when in sole charge of my DCs.

The two year old was not crying in her room @LetitiaLeghorn.

No one, who is left in charge of a small child, should be drinking ANY alcohol. I’d be very concerned, if my dh had done this when in sole charge of my DCs.
Oh, nonsense. You’re allowed a glass of wine for goodness’ sake. Or do you think lone parents should all be teetotal. OP even says she’d have heard DD through the monitor – so she’s put her toddler to bed presumably and then poured a glass of wine, she wasn’t doing tequila shots while juggling a newborn FFS.

Why is it that a man’s motivation for almost anything is assumed to be malevolent? I don’t think there’s enough information to place his comment into context. And I agree and guarantee that if a man had passed out when in the care of a 2 year old, (the OP has used this term herself) people wouldn’t be so understanding. In fact, people (who weren’t actually there) are correcting the OP and telling her that she didn’t pass out, seemingly because it doesn’t fit the narrative of the woman who is always blameless and whose behaviour can always be contextualised. Ridiculous double standards.

No one, who is left in charge of a small child, should be drinking ANY alcohol. I’d be very concerned, if my dh had done this when in sole charge of my DCs.

😂

I was always exhausted when mine were young. If he was concerned about the OP, he could have approached it in a nicer way that didn't make her cry.

I think it's rarer for men to get so exhausted with babies though. I was doing the night feeds and I got really badly anemic. It was just relentless.

I think saying that it's unacceptable for a parent to be really tired and fall asleep is just crazy. The child was safe. The OP fell asleep. It's a total non-event.

I guarantee that if a woman posted here that she’d found her dp “passed out” on the bed in his clothes after what he said to be one beer the response would be “he’s lying. You don’t just pass out from one beer, he will have drank more than that.”

Add in doesn’t eat breakfast and lives on crisps apart from in the evening when “we do have a healthy meal,” and people would be saying that the OP needs to talk to him, that he should want to change his lifestyle for the good of his child.

But this is mn, where all men are bastards, and all women are victims. [hmmm]

But she didn’t fall asleep, she passed out. She said so herself.

And let’s be honest, any alcohol on top of an empty stomach (op said she more or less doesn’t eat during the day) is going to have a detrimental effect. So no, drinking one glass of wine when you haven’t eaten all day isn’t ok and could well lead to someone passing out rather than just falling asleep.

Your toddler was in bed and you were asleep? What's the problem? You woke up by him just opening the bedroom door so you would have heard your child through the monitor. What's the problem?

Why is he home so late? Does he pull his weight? Do you have a chance to look after yourself?

@707smile

I think you know your DP and how this was meant.

He might be being critical and nasty and trying to make you feel like you're incapable of looking after yourself or being responsible.

He might be genuinely worried about you (especially given his family history) and wanting to help you to change some unhealthy habits [bear in mind, he'll need to cover all of your childcare/housework jobs for you to fit in exercise classes/running or whatever!] but then he should have the awareness to know how busy you are and to realise that you're actually getting unstructured exercise (e.g. running around after your DD) all day long.

This in spades.

'Yes darling, I think you are right, I do need to look after myself more. I think the key to it initially is sleep, because right now I have no energy at all. Maybe if you could take any night wakings for a couple of weeks and maybe take dd out for some weekend breakfasts I can catch up on some sleep.'

Skipping breakfast per se is not a problem, intermittent fasting can prolong life, but maybe planning a slightly healthier if small lunch as a concession for him, as long as he is actively pulling his weight.

Exercise can be tricky. I get no pleasure from exercise, which dh finds hard to understand, but is there any exercise you would enjoy? Even more brisk walking with a friend? Assuming he does toddler care.

A few weeks of pulling his weight more and he probably will realise he has shot himself in the foot.

Ok posters it may have been badly handled by DP.
But he sounds like a bully and not up to responsibility to me.
There's nothing wrong with dozing off on top of bed while wearing your clothes. Especially when your baby is tucked up and asleep.
I don't think OP actually meant she was passed out!
OP if you can, cut your hours at work.

‘ I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. ’

@CoralieBoralie, the thing is that neither of you can be sure that you’d have heard your DC ‘yelling’ .

I have no doubt that many a sleep deprived parent is tired enough to nod off whilst ‘on duty’. You were over tired & then had a drink, so there was a good chance if you lay down that you’d nod off. Because that’s what over tired people do…nod off. BUT you were in sole charge of your DC.
Had you eaten before you drank the wine?

It is your ‘certainty’ that your DH was over reacting & your minimising his concerns due to his ‘health anxiety’ that bothers me. But as you say, you are not looking after yourself as well as you could. Were your DH not home, would you be bothering with an evening meal or be just getting by?

If you want to allay his concerns, take steps to get more sleep (no easy task) so less chance of nodding off in the daytime. At least eat some breakfast & proper lunch to improve your nutrition & even out your blood sugar response.

Well I think you should say to him ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said and you’re right, I do need to look after myself more.’ Then tell him what he needs to do in order to enable you to prepare/eat healthier lunches, get more exercise and get more sleep.