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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
Bonnieonthelam · 14/04/2022 08:30

@gamerchick

The only time I've known a high beam of critisism from a bloke that makes me cry is when they're hiding something and projecting.
This a thousand times x
Kukdoos · 14/04/2022 08:30

If all my husband ate per day, was a bag of hoola hoops and a 'healthy' dinner, I'd be very concerned.
Of course I'd expect them to be constantly tired, for they're not eating enough calories to fuel their body.
It's got nothing to do with metabolism, it's under eating and it needs to be addressed.

EssexLioness · 14/04/2022 08:30

@TigerLilyTail

Oh, was it drugs she was buying? The OP wouldn’t say at first and when I came back to the thread it had been zapped. I think most people were responding on that thread when they had no idea what she’d spent the money on.

I think this thread is crazy though. I can’t believe people are giving the OP a hard time because she was tired and fell asleep. As long as the child was safe, it’s nothing.

Yes it was cannabis, so around £400 spend per week. Even then some posters were still defending it with one even suggesting they tweak their family budget so they could cover her drug habit without resorting to credit cards! Utterly ridiculous and I felt really sorry for the OP when I saw the thread had been deleted due to the distress it was causing. There are some awful man haters on MN
Saharafordessert · 14/04/2022 08:30

Actually I think he has a point.
Ok, he could have worded it better and shown a little more support but your lifestyle IS unhealthy without proper nutrition and adequate exercise.
You need to take responsibility for this OP.

SleeplessInEngland · 14/04/2022 08:35

Are you defensive because you think he's wrong or because you think he's right?

Obviously it's none of my business but since you ask I'd say yeah, it sounds like you probably should be getting more exercise. A long walk is nice but it's a stretch to say it counts.

SkoolShoes · 14/04/2022 08:36

I think there is not enough info to go on.

What time was your nap? If it was after she had gone to sleep at night...meh. Just a tough day.

But I cannot see your husband saying this after one incident....

The wine? How frequent is this? Was he being judgemental/angry or worried, Was he trying to open a discussion to help change things?
What was his tone?
Have you dicussed these issues before? Have you asked him for help or are you too "busy" and self-sacrificing? Why aren't you eating lunch? Really? Why? This is stupidity. You feed your DD - have something at the same time. Toast/a hunk of cheese/an apple/whatever she is having!
Are you looking after yourself (well, clearly not from the lunch thing).
The exercise thing...meh.

A lot of parents work part time and do nursery runs and have a toddler. They eat.

You say you felt really defensive. Was this because he was wrong? Or because he had valid points?

Gazelda · 14/04/2022 08:39

The OP doesn't mention criticism. It mentions worry.

It doesn't mention shouting, aggression or insults.

OP's husband said he is worried about diet and exercise. The conversation was prompted after finding OP asleep on the bed fully clothed after a glass of wine.

OP doesn't mention that her DH doesn't pull his weight.

It seems to me that OPs DH may have a fair point. OP needs more exercise, a better diet, and proper rest. like me

OP doesn't mention if her DH suggested ways to make this happen. But I think that a lot of posters are being a bit unfair on the DH here.

KimikosNightmare · 14/04/2022 08:41

@Momijin

Your toddler was in bed and you were asleep? What's the problem? You woke up by him just opening the bedroom door so you would have heard your child through the monitor. What's the problem?

Why is he home so late? Does he pull his weight? Do you have a chance to look after yourself?

Why do you think he was coming home "so late"? The OP didn't mention time of day.
Obelisk · 14/04/2022 08:42

Am I missing something here? Who cares about crisps for lunch or whatever- the real issue is that you were drinking alone and passed out in sole charge of a child.

Im not someone who thinks parents should never look at a glass of wine again, far from it, but there needs to be someone at home who is sober enough to cope in an emergency.

I actually wonder whether your husband was trying to be gentle with you by framing this as not looking after yourself.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/04/2022 08:44

My husband has a rubbish diet, that’s up to him.
He shouldn’t have made you cry but it’s impossible to judge because we don’t know how he said it or if you have taken an innocent comment to heart.

Where was your dd? Asleep?

veevee04 · 14/04/2022 08:44

The only time my DH has been hyper critical like this was when he had his head turned some woman flirting with him at work.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 08:45

@CarryonCovid

I am actually wondering why you drank the wine, alone, on a weeknight ? It suggests not great health habits TBH .
@CarryonCovid

Oh get a grip!

duskyspringfield · 14/04/2022 08:51

One glass of wine… fgs.

Is he loving towards you OP, or is he finding reasons to pick on you? Only you know.

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 08:53

@Lillyhatesjaz

Biweekly means one a fortnight or twice a week

Either way, when we are talking about a 40 minute walk with a toddler… hardly what I’d deem “exercise”

Sswhinesthebest · 14/04/2022 08:55

You were asleep after a busy day with young kids. One glass of wine was perfectly fine.

Yellownightmare · 14/04/2022 08:56

@Obelisk

Am I missing something here? Who cares about crisps for lunch or whatever- the real issue is that you were drinking alone and passed out in sole charge of a child.

Im not someone who thinks parents should never look at a glass of wine again, far from it, but there needs to be someone at home who is sober enough to cope in an emergency.

I actually wonder whether your husband was trying to be gentle with you by framing this as not looking after yourself.

Are you seriously unable to cope after one glass of wine? That's much more worrying than the OP falling asleep after a small drink.

The drama on this thread is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe people are tearing their hair out and rending their clothes. Call the social services, exhausted mum falls asleep on bed while child safely in cot shocker. Don't people sleep at night when their children are asleep? Or do they take turns watching over the cot.

This is not evidence of anything on MN except it loves a pile on.

OP I hope you're not talking these replies seriously. Anyway, some of the more sensible posters have a point that you might want to consider having a healthier meal either at breakfast or lunch, so you have a more sustained energy level through the day. But your DH could have said it in a nicer way and chosen his moment better.

And I don't like the going quiet thing, either. Does he often do this, in a blanking kind of way, or was it more like he was thinking it through. Using silence as a weapon is seriously not good and if it was that you need to address it with him.

I'm hoping that he is just genuinely concerned about you, as there's not enough evidence in your OP to decide whether it's that or part of an unhealthy pattern of relating from him.

Sswhinesthebest · 14/04/2022 08:57

Im not someone who thinks parents should never look at a glass of wine again, far from it, but there needs to be someone at home who is sober enough to cope in an emergency.

She had one glass of wine, was tired and fell asleep! She would have coped in an emergency fgs.

Laptopsandmouses · 14/04/2022 08:58

@Donkeyinamanger

I think the next conversation you need to have is how he is going to support you, and look after you a bit more so that things can change. He could for example make you a packed lunch, so you can just eat on the go, or take DC on a regular basis so you can catch up on sleep, and/or exercise. It could be a positive thing if he is willing to re balance things so your health can be more of a priority. I am assuming here that he is not just as tired, and struggling too, and that he was not just having a go with no plan to help change anything.
This can’t be a serious comment surely? He has to make her a packed lunch! Jeez.

And I agree, if a woman posted she came home to find her two year old not being looked after and her husband passed out on the bed proclaiming to only have had one beer, people would be screaming for her to ltb for the safety of the child and that he was lying it was more than one.

Not proclaiming she should make him a packed lunch.

WouldBeGood · 14/04/2022 08:59

I doubt you’d be “passed out” after one glass of wine. Is he concerned about your drinking? Was this at night?

Obelisk · 14/04/2022 09:00

One glass of wine… fgs.

Imagine how this thread would have gone if it had been OP coming home to find her husband passed out.

“It can’t have been just the one glass”

“Even if it was one glass, he shouldn’t drink enough to make him pass out.”

“Alcoholic”

“LTB”

Etc etc.

Heavens, there was a thread the other day where people were telling someone to LTB because she’d come home from work to find her husband playing video games 😭 yet for some reason the husband here is being hypercritical and probably having an affair. Jesus wept.

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 09:01

* coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine*

I can understand the OP perhaps backtracking and downplaying this sentence

But the fact that posters are saying “doubt she passed out” and one “small drink”

Is just odd

Sswhinesthebest · 14/04/2022 09:02

I fall asleep frequently on the sofa each night fully dressed! According to some on here I must be passing out and not able to cope in an emergency!

Oh wait, mostly I’ve not had a drink and I’m just tired!

ChameFangeNail · 14/04/2022 09:02

Either he’s an unsupportive knob who’s happy to criticise you from the sidelines while doing fuck all dirty work himself.

Or he has a valid point and you’re on the defensive.

There’s not enough to go on in the OP to decide either way.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and the OP reads like exactly the kind of minimising she would do to justify why she was a complete mess. “It was only one drink on an empty stomach”, “yes I know I should eat more, I eat loads of crisps but just can’t put on weight”, “I passed out in my clothes but I was exhausted [exhausted doing normal level of activities that loads of other people do with no problems]”. Etc, etc.

I’m wondering if you know there’s truth in what he’s saying and you just want a thread full of people to tell you he’s a cunt so that you can crack on drinking on an empty stomach to the point you accidentally pass out.

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 09:03

@Sswhinesthebest

I fall asleep frequently on the sofa each night fully dressed! According to some on here I must be passing out and not able to cope in an emergency!

Oh wait, mostly I’ve not had a drink and I’m just tired!

Out of interest when you fall asleep in front of TV fully clothed

Would you describe yourself as “passed out fully clothed after a glass of wine”

FrangipaniBlue · 14/04/2022 09:05

I think he is concerned.

I mean think kindly OP, but if my DH only worked 3.5 days a week and the extent of his exercise was a 40 minute walk twice a week I would be wondering why he was so exhausted that one glass of wine made him pass out on the bed?

Why are you skipping meals?

Also, you did ask! I don't think what he said was particularly nasty, it was factual was it not?

That being said, whether or not it is you or him that IBU depends entirely on the REASON that you are skipping meals and so tired. If it's because he's a lazy bugger and does sod all around the house or with your toddler then he is being massively unreasonable!!!