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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 17:26

[quote godmum56]@LuckySantangelo35
"Ok ok Saint @godmum56

She had a glass while her daughter was in her cot asleep and the problem with that is….what exactly??"

I am not sure what is saintly about not drinking wine if you are already "dead tired" and you know the wine will make you even sleepier AND you have a care responsibility.[/quote]
@godmum56

But the child was safe and sound asleep in her cot.

Op is probably dead tired a lot of the time. Is she just not supposed to drink at all? What about single parents, they’re likely to never drink and they have caring responsibilities all the time, should they never have a glass of wine if they fancy one either?

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 17:27

@MyCatIsAJerk

I don’t get what you mean with the mr wonderful stuff? Why would she want to do that?

godmum56 · 14/04/2022 17:35

@LuckySantangelo35
"@godmum56

But the child was safe and sound asleep in her cot.

Op is probably dead tired a lot of the time. Is she just not supposed to drink at all? What about single parents, they’re likely to never drink and they have caring responsibilities all the time, should they never have a glass of wine if they fancy one either?"

Not when they are "dead tired" I have spent years being a 24/7 carer so while I have no children, I know what it is like to have caring responsibilities and to be "dead tired" And no, in those circumstances I did not drink and don't think its a good idea. In the OP's case it wasn't not at all ever but just not on that occasion.

Laptopsandmouses · 14/04/2022 18:09

I’m not sure what he has done wrong, the fight wasn’t straight after he found her like that, it was a different day and not even the next day, he’s told her he is concerned about her, the argument wasn’t as he bullied her, the op hasn’t explained exactly what he said . Other than he put it in a voice of doom way round her health and she’s very defensive.

He obviously thinks there is more to it, he might be right, he might be wrong, people often present a very positive spin on here. We can only go on what she says,

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/04/2022 18:14

[quote godmum56]@LuckySantangelo35
"@godmum56

But the child was safe and sound asleep in her cot.

Op is probably dead tired a lot of the time. Is she just not supposed to drink at all? What about single parents, they’re likely to never drink and they have caring responsibilities all the time, should they never have a glass of wine if they fancy one either?"

Not when they are "dead tired" I have spent years being a 24/7 carer so while I have no children, I know what it is like to have caring responsibilities and to be "dead tired" And no, in those circumstances I did not drink and don't think its a good idea. In the OP's case it wasn't not at all ever but just not on that occasion.[/quote]
@godmum56
I think you’re over estimating the impact of one glass of wine. If Op has been so tired she’d have probably fallen asleep with or without the wine

godmum56 · 14/04/2022 19:51

@LuckySantangelo35

"@godmum56
I think you’re over estimating the impact of one glass of wine. If Op has been so tired she’d have probably fallen asleep with or without the wine"

The OP's own words

"so only one wine on top of that floored me"

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 19:57

There’s a real determination by some players to outright ignore what the OP posts. Her precise words. Very odd

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 19:57

Posters

BingBangB0ng · 14/04/2022 20:11

Fwiw I’d say “I got home and just passed out” if I came home absolutely shattered, got into bed and immediately fell asleep. I don’t think OP meant it in the way it’s being interpreted, but her husband did find her dead to the world in her daytime clothes.

One glass of wine does not make you drunk enough to render you unconscious.

The idea having a glass of wine and falling asleep after putting your toddler to bed is a great sin is so ridiculous. The only abnormal thing is she hadn’t got her pyjamas on, brushed her teeth etc.

BingBangB0ng · 14/04/2022 20:12

[quote godmum56]@LuckySantangelo35

"@godmum56
I think you’re over estimating the impact of one glass of wine. If Op has been so tired she’d have probably fallen asleep with or without the wine"

The OP's own words

"so only one wine on top of that floored me"[/quote]
Yes, if you’re incredibly tired already even one alcoholic drink will probably make you so drowsy you drop off. That’s not drinking until you’re paralytic.

People are being so weird on this thread.

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 20:15

YES, I ATE A MEAL THAT NIGHT, I COOKED IT.

I'm not blaming my habits on anyone, I know full well that it's laziness/poor impulse control that leads me to the beef hula hoops 😬

I do feel that my DP was being a bit strong about it when I asked him what was wrong, listing faults without pause, then he brought up dementia running in our families, then I cried.

He's very supportive - I do more childcare and cooking because I work a bit less (28 hours) - but he also does loads, and is very caring and loving. Sometimes we clash like this though

OP posts:
godmum56 · 14/04/2022 21:05

@BingBangB0ng

Fwiw I’d say “I got home and just passed out” if I came home absolutely shattered, got into bed and immediately fell asleep. I don’t think OP meant it in the way it’s being interpreted, but her husband did find her dead to the world in her daytime clothes.

One glass of wine does not make you drunk enough to render you unconscious.

The idea having a glass of wine and falling asleep after putting your toddler to bed is a great sin is so ridiculous. The only abnormal thing is she hadn’t got her pyjamas on, brushed her teeth etc.

No one glass of wine won't make you unconscious, but from my own experience, when you are "dead tired anyway" that one glass is, as the OP says "enough to floor you" which if you have a caring responsibility is not a good idea. I am really not saying that people with caring responsibilities should never drink; what I am saying from my own experience is that its not a good idea when you are "dead tired anyway"

It does sound like the OP's partner went overboard and I have zero idea what dementia has to do with it.

CorsicaDreaming · 14/04/2022 21:28

@godmum56 - I think what dementia has got to do with it is that is a fairly emotive thing for the DP to bring up if there is a history of it in their families.

godmum56 · 14/04/2022 22:17

[quote CorsicaDreaming]@godmum56 - I think what dementia has got to do with it is that is a fairly emotive thing for the DP to bring up if there is a history of it in their families.

[/quote]
which is why i said I think he went overboard

saraclara · 14/04/2022 22:54

@AlternativePerspective

I guarantee that if a woman posted here that she’d found her dp “passed out” on the bed in his clothes after what he said to be one beer the response would be “he’s lying. You don’t just pass out from one beer, he will have drank more than that.”

Add in doesn’t eat breakfast and lives on crisps apart from in the evening when “we do have a healthy meal,” and people would be saying that the OP needs to talk to him, that he should want to change his lifestyle for the good of his child.

But this is mn, where all men are bastards, and all women are victims. [hmmm]

Yep.
saraclara · 14/04/2022 22:59

@PeachesToday

YANBU - He's meant to be your partner.. a support. Why is he bullying you?
He does support her. She's just said that he does loads around the house, and that he's very kind and caring.

He's clearly very anxious about her, and given that she doesn't eat anything apart from beef hula hoops until her evening meal, her only exercise is a twice weekly walk, and she fell asleep in her clothes, I can see why. Especially if he lost a parent young and has a degree of health anxiety.

We're not talking a guy who does nothing around the house but expects her not to be tired. And using the word bullying is just ridiculous. Would you accuse a woman of bullying if she experessed her concerns about his health to a man with the same lifestyle?

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 23:52

@saracla your opinion of me seems very low 😄 I think beef hula hoops are an emotive topic tbh. (I'm eating them in bed after one dose of my twice weekly exercise.)

OP posts:
Heythere13 · 15/04/2022 06:47

In the OP you’re “crying” and “ As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff”

But now it’s all a bit of a giggle and even though you “totally get the lunch stuff” now you’re revelling in it.

Fair enough. Enjoy them. But what a turn around in the space of a day!

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/04/2022 08:45

@Heythere13

In the OP you’re “crying” and “ As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff”

But now it’s all a bit of a giggle and even though you “totally get the lunch stuff” now you’re revelling in it.

Fair enough. Enjoy them. But what a turn around in the space of a day!

Sometimes peoples responses are so ridiculous that you have to see the funny side.
Heythere13 · 15/04/2022 08:46

I totally agree @ReadyToMoveIt!

Inkyblue123 · 15/04/2022 09:09

It’s hard hear something like that, but maybe he is genuinely concerned? Have you discussed maybe you going to yoga/ swimming a couple of times a week? Getting some time for yourself? Is he doing 50% of the housework? There are only so many hours in the day and if he is really concerned about your health and well being he should be doing his fair share and enabling you to look after yourself.

Original poster
CoralieBoralie · 15/04/2022 09:31

@Heythere13 Do you want me to cry throughout this thread? I think you probably do 🤔
You're bloody well making me want to revel in hula hoops, because your responses are a bit annoying really. And I think @ReadyToMoveIt was referring to you...

OP posts:
grapewines · 15/04/2022 10:05

This thread is such a perfect example of how men are always wrong on here.

Heythere13 · 15/04/2022 10:07

@grapewines

This thread is such a perfect example of how men are always wrong on here.
This
ReadyToMoveIt · 15/04/2022 10:09

Yeah, I mean apart from the good number of posters who said it’s not the partner’s fault.