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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP upset at me for not looking after myself

322 replies

CoralieBoralie · 14/04/2022 00:03

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

OP posts:
Laptopsandmouses · 14/04/2022 07:42

Actually I’m on the fence here, as I’m concerned about your child, she’s two and was not being looked after as you were passed out. I don’t understand why you were drinking if you were so exhausted when looking after her. I have to be honest, I’d be pissed off if I found my husband passed out when looking after our two year old and found out he’d been drinking.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 14/04/2022 07:42

Urgh he could of worded it better

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 07:44

The fact that you list the 40 minute walk you do once a fortnight… is telling

SnowingInApril · 14/04/2022 07:45

No one, who is left in charge of a small child, should be drinking ANY alcohol. I’d be very concerned, if my dh had done this when in sole charge of my DCs
Lol. Ok so single parents aren’t allowed to have a glass of wine for the first 2yrs of their children’s lives?! OP says she had one glass. She could still drive.

Having a go at her until she cried isn’t proportional to what happened here (on the details that have been given). It sounds more like a character assassination. Totally uncalled for!

Suzi888 · 14/04/2022 07:47

@OnaBegonia

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!
^ Yup
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/04/2022 07:48

Everyone surely knows you give up the booze the moment you find out you’re pregnant …. and only resume to toast the health of your 18 year old 🤷🏼‍♀️

Holidays27 · 14/04/2022 07:50

I would be worried if my husband didn’t eat breakfast and only have a package of hola hoops for lunch and was so exhausted a glass of wine was enough to fell asleep with clothes on. He may be truly concerned for you, you can only tell.

Heracles1000 · 14/04/2022 07:52

we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬

Maybe this is why you're tired? If your DD came home from school and said she hadn't had breakfast and just a pack of crisps for lunch, wouldn't you think they were neglecting her?

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 07:52

I don’t think the op will be back

Quite honestly
A big pack of beef crisps for lunch
A fortnightly 40 minute walk
And being so knackered with one chid that you pass out fully clothed after one glass of wine
And presumably in 20s or 30s in all likelihood

The partner has a point.

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 07:53

@Holidays27

I would be worried if my husband didn’t eat breakfast and only have a package of hola hoops for lunch and was so exhausted a glass of wine was enough to fell asleep with clothes on. He may be truly concerned for you, you can only tell.
And regards his 40 min walk once a fortnight as exercise
OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 07:53

I used to have this row with DH. He was overweight, drank too much, did no exercise and was a "secret" smoker. I loved him, but I hated that he didn't love me and DC enough to look after himself. I was scared stiff of losing him.

The fact that I was right and he died at 53 of a cancer that is incredibly rare so young, except in those who smoke and/or are obese really doesn't help me...If your DH has experienced that, I can see where he's coming from.

ArtVandalay · 14/04/2022 08:16

I guess it was poorly framed concern.

My diet is rubbish most of the time too. Yesterday I ate 2 slices of toast at 3pm and had 2 large glasses of wine in the evening. Confused

Lillyhatesjaz · 14/04/2022 08:16

The 40 minute walk is biweekly, as in twice a week not fortnightly.

Undisclosedlocation · 14/04/2022 08:17

I’m sorry OP, but I think he has a valid point and it doesn’t come across that he was necessarily picking on you.
If as you say, you asked him ‘straight out’, surely you would expect him to tell you the truth? You a being a bit unfair to then get defensive!

LannieDuck · 14/04/2022 08:18

How much free time do you get (during which you could potentially do some exercise)? How much does he get?

EssexLioness · 14/04/2022 08:20

@RewildingAmbridge

If I came home and DH was passed out on the bed (your words) after drinking, whilst in sole charge of DS I wouldn't be pleased either. He's framed it as you not looking after yourself which skipping meals and the passing out through tiredness/wine implies you're not, that's not good for your health and that's not good for your child. Eat breakfast or something other than hula hoops for lunch, have an early night if you need one. You might feel less exhausted if you were eating properly. Not a big ask.
I agree with this. One glass or not you were passed out when supposedly looking after your child.
Donkeyinamanger · 14/04/2022 08:21

I think the next conversation you need to have is how he is going to support you, and look after you a bit more so that things can change. He could for example make you a packed lunch, so you can just eat on the go, or take DC on a regular basis so you can catch up on sleep, and/or exercise. It could be a positive thing if he is willing to re balance things so your health can be more of a priority. I am assuming here that he is not just as tired, and struggling too, and that he was not just having a go with no plan to help change anything.

mrziggycoco · 14/04/2022 08:23

So it was a concern thing not a 'you look like crap thing'

?

butterpuffed · 14/04/2022 08:25

@OnaBegonia

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!
Its the norm in here Hmm
Ponoka7 · 14/04/2022 08:26

I think that you do need to consider self care. It would have been better to swerve the wine, have a bath and get into bed. Alcohol doesn't help us sleep better. I'm glad you mention that you haven't put on weight, because I thought that would be what the thread was about. He does seem to be worried about health. As said, don't be defensive, work out how you can improve things together.

DameHelena · 14/04/2022 08:27

The wine and passing out tired on the bed are of no consequence IMO.
And you sound like you do a fair amount of walking, which is a lot better than nothing.
He's being a drama llama about that, I think.
But why do you seldom have breakfast, and eat crisps for lunch? That can make a big difference to your energy and general mood, as well as overall health.
Does he not pull his weight, so you're always pushed for time? or is it your choice/habit to eat like this?

Tillsforthrills · 14/04/2022 08:28

Sorry but the image of you passed out from tiredness after a few glasses of wine was amusing, we’ve all been there.

As your partner he should feel empathy at seeing you exhausted, how dare he use that as an opportunity to complain about you. Not good.

Tillerman · 14/04/2022 08:29

As a PP said, if he’d approached this in a sensitive caring manner you probably wouldn’t feel so bad. If he’d said something along the lines of ‘I’m worried about you and your health, is everything ok?’ for example, I don’t think you’d have felt anywhere near as upset. Instead he attacked and criticised you which is never a good approach.

Dickopf · 14/04/2022 08:30

@AlternativePerspective

I guarantee that if a woman posted here that she’d found her dp “passed out” on the bed in his clothes after what he said to be one beer the response would be “he’s lying. You don’t just pass out from one beer, he will have drank more than that.”

Add in doesn’t eat breakfast and lives on crisps apart from in the evening when “we do have a healthy meal,” and people would be saying that the OP needs to talk to him, that he should want to change his lifestyle for the good of his child.

But this is mn, where all men are bastards, and all women are victims. [hmmm]

Agree with this.
DressingPafe · 14/04/2022 08:30

FGS, this is Mumsnet, not Dadsnet. Does every single thread now have to be filled with posts saying “if the sexes were reversed blah blah blah”.
You can still have the view that the OPs husband may have a point without constantly saying “if a man had done this”. It’s getting boring.

OP, maybe have a calm discussion with your DH without moodiness (on either side). Sounds like there are a few positive changes you could make, but at the same time maybe he can support those changes in a constructive way.

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