Notice of intention to marry appointment. I think I nearly failed.

[Yissie]

I mean in fairness I didn't research what this appointment actually was, I just bought the documents the registrar said to bring. I thought it would be quite exciting going in together and signing the documents together. No no. Get to the door. One sent back to car, separate interviews.They said they were going to ask me some questions. I fell apart

They compared our answers. My fiancé had gotten my job wrong. I said my job and they said it wasn't what he answered, is there something less specific he might of put? It felt like a riddle. I kept saying last minute wedding meaning just planned last minute, we've been engaged for years. Then I realised they might think that and kept over explaining that it's not that last minute we've been together years it's nothing concerning did I make it sound concerning?! It's not rushed or anything.

She asked if I wanted to put my parents details, I said no. She said your partner did, so I agreed. I couldn't remember my dads middle name. Total mind blank. Then his job. I just kept repeating civil servant and nervously laughing. I asked her if I was doing ok and said I hope I'm not being suspicious. I am who I say I am I just don't test well. She said it wasn't a test. Anyway. She seemed to think I was insane, she gave me a pen to sign the documents and I didn't realise I'd held on to it and at the end she put her hand out and I took it and shook it, she just wanted the pen.

Overall, not the romantic if not slightly boring appointment I thought it would be. Be prepared for a less cute and slightly more stressful game of Mr and Mrs. And brush up on your parental knowledge.

My DH had to come out of the room to ask my job title. To be fair, he knew who I worked for and roughly what I did, but my actual job title was 'Administrative Assistant to X Commission of Y Body of Z Religious Organisation'.

He has a job where the title is one word and everyone know what it means like 'Teacher' or 'Nurse'. I have never had such a straightforward job and envy those who do.

Ours took ages, they only had forms for straight marriages so two appointments were a complete waste of time. On the third appointment my husband was asked dob, job title, address and I think which university he attended. I was asked what wallpaper I had in my house, which side of the bed I slept on, how much time I planned to spend outside of the UK, husbands job title, his first childhood address, then the standard dob, home address. Weirdly they didn’t ask about my name change.

On the day neither of us were asked anything (the registra was late).

This is a perfectly normal thing that takes place before a wedding

Totally not normal 😆 England really is another country! Is this another reason people come up to Gretna Green to get married, to avoid the 3rd degree?

@GuppytheCat yes, I know Blackburn exists 😂

@Notarealmum

Is this really standard practice now for two British-born people? 😵 We were married two decades ago in England - not questioned separately, we just sat together and were asked the basic questions about ourselves and the parents’ details required on the certificate.

It isn't done at all in Scotland. You provide the basic information on a form submitted to the Registrar. There's no interview.

I assume Wales will be the same as England, NI might have its own rules.

It's to stop sham marriages and forced marriages both of which are good enough reasons to do it.

I would sincerely doubt that asking couples each other’s names, dates of birth and occupation is effective in this. Especially when so many people get the answers wrong. And you can look up many people’s occupations on LinkedIn.

This stuff is easy enough to drill into someone before an appointment. I suspect it’s purely a pretext to talk to the couple separately. But one that’s probably not very effective.

It’s not like forced or sham marriages is a greater issue in Scotland than England, despite the lack of the interrogation. If my sister’s experience is anything to go by, the home office have their own processed for investigating when you marry (for example) an Algerian.

[quote HollowedOut]@GuppytheCat yes, I know Blackburn exists 😂[/quote]
…as did the Beatles.

On my marriage certificate, my Ex-h got his dads middle names round the wrong way.

When I actually managed to get married, the Scottish registrar let me email the documents to her and show her the paper copies on the day (as the deadline was approaching). Actually, it was only my (English) husband’s documents because she could just look up my birth certificate on the Scottish system.

It was all much nicer than the process I’d gone through in England (only to have covid cancel it).

They were much more flexible about everything else: location, format, wording… Honestly, I’d recommend getting married in Scotland.

When they asked me my Dad's job I looked blank and said 'deceased'! She then patiently explained she needed to know what he did when he worked!

I had to phone my mum to find out how my middle name was spelt. It's a common name with two common spellings, like Ann/Anne and as I hadn't used my middle name in my adult life I couldn't remember which one it was. It varies on other documents but I wanted my marriage certificate to be right.

It’s your parents’ final job. My FIL was annoyed that my marriage certificate says ‘university lecturer’ which he did for 2 years before retirement not CEO (after spending much of his career in senior management). I think it annoyed my husband too as he’s a bit obsessed about his dad’s career success.

@Boxowine

I don't know how I feel about this. Is this practice regulated by law or is this just a custom and the bureaucrats have blown it out of proportion? I can understand asking about marital status and whether or not you are related because those conditions affect the legal status of the marriage but your occupation does not. Legal name and birthdate also relate to establishing one's identity but why is it an examination, especially if you are in possession of substantiating documents. Why does the registrar have to be convinced as to the validity of the relationship? It's a free country, people can get married on a whim if they want. Who is the government to decide if that's a good idea or not?

It’s because of the increase in sham marriages and forced marriages.

It’s making sure that people actually know who they are marrying and, most importantly, that they want to be married.

Given that it’s a crime with mostly women who are the victims I’ve no idea why people whinge so much whenever it comes up on here.

It’s done for good reason.

People complain because it’s an incredibly ineffective means of preventing sham or forced marriages. That is a more complex issue requiring intelligence and insight. Asking if you’ve memorised their name, date of birth and occupation won’t make any difference.

Just because the intention behind something is laudable doesn’t mean the actual process is effective or worthwhile.

Often ineffective processes that merely look like ‘doing something’ so much more harm than good.

@SoggyPaper

It's to stop sham marriages and forced marriages both of which are good enough reasons to do it.

I would sincerely doubt that asking couples each other’s names, dates of birth and occupation is effective in this. Especially when so many people get the answers wrong. And you can look up many people’s occupations on LinkedIn.

This stuff is easy enough to drill into someone before an appointment. I suspect it’s purely a pretext to talk to the couple separately. But one that’s probably not very effective.

It’s not like forced or sham marriages is a greater issue in Scotland than England, despite the lack of the interrogation. If my sister’s experience is anything to go by, the home office have their own processed for investigating when you marry (for example) an Algerian.

It’s not just the answers that they’re looking for though. It’s the wider picture of what people know, how the answer and how they act. Giving them time with the registrar alone is also key.

It’s more effective than people think. My SIL says she has at least a couple a month that problems come up in those sessions. The area she works in has a specific team in the social work office who help people, predominantly women, plan their escape from planned forced marriages.

When I had DS my dad came to visit. I could hear a bit of a to do at the midwife station, he was asking for Jane France (for example) when my name was Spain (insert other placename of choice).

I shouted he was my dad and the midwives let him through saying it's only the genuine people that don't know names, despite being varied two years he had no idea what my name was/is

I had to know what DH's dead dad did. Luckily DH had gone first the week before and remembered the questions so had told me - but I hadn't a clue otherwise. DH only knew my father worked in IT doing something DH didn't really understand or remember so his answer was quite vague and I had to give a more prescriptive answer and the registrar said "is that IT then, your fiancee wasn't quite sure, just that there were computers..."

Had a similar phone call a couple of weeks ago from a foreign embassy following an application for our child's first passport from that country. I was phoned separately to DH. He's a citizen of that country and I'm not. He got a lot wrong - when we met, when we married, etc. We were nervous we'd failed and wouldn't get the passport but we did.

I saw it as a good thing - essentially checking there was no risk that either parent (likely DH who's from that country) was trying to abduct the child without the other parent's knowledge / consent.

@SoggyPaper

It's to stop sham marriages and forced marriages both of which are good enough reasons to do it.

I would sincerely doubt that asking couples each other’s names, dates of birth and occupation is effective in this. Especially when so many people get the answers wrong. And you can look up many people’s occupations on LinkedIn.

This stuff is easy enough to drill into someone before an appointment. I suspect it’s purely a pretext to talk to the couple separately. But one that’s probably not very effective.

It’s not like forced or sham marriages is a greater issue in Scotland than England, despite the lack of the interrogation. If my sister’s experience is anything to go by, the home office have their own processed for investigating when you marry (for example) an Algerian.

It depends, if the couple don't have a common language, where only one is living in England.

So Bob who is on a holiday visa from Nigeria marrying Anna who lives in Poland and has flown in 2 days ago and doesn't speak a word of English and has a flight booked home this evening are not going to have the right answers.

It has been rife in many places, one vicar became suspicious when the third bride of the day was wearing the same dress as the two earlier ones, not the same style, the actual dress.

It's much less intrusive to ask the questions ahead of time rather than having a dawn raid to see if you are sharing a bed.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/apr/14/couples-sham-marriage-crackdown-hostile-environment

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-10781151

@Toottooot

My husband didn’t even need to be there when I submitted all the documents for our marriage license. The registrar simply checked them over and arranged for the license to be issued. This was in Scotland.

I was going to say….they don’t do any of that up here.

(NC as so many of our friends know this story).

Things my DH got wrong:

The date of the wedding.

My birthday - not just the actual date; he confidently said it was in September. It's June.

His own name.

Oh this makes me laugh. It sounds like a sketch from Friends

It really isn’t supposed to be a test, it’s just a box ticking exercise to make sure all the details are correct. I guess they might look out for red flags to make sure you aren’t being forced into it or anything, but it’s not like the process for getting a spousal visa or something where it’s much more involved.

Totally get how you could get flustered though if you weren’t expecting the separate interviews! As someone else said, be prepared to do a very cut-down version of the same thing right before your actual wedding - you don’t want that to catch you off guard!

@afizzysweet

Friends have said their interviews when giving notice were equally as awkward.

We got married in a church (not religious but everyone in my family has been married therr so I wanted to) and it was lovely. No interviews, no doing things separately, just having a nice cup of tea with the vicar and filling in some forms.

Oh I'm even more confused now

I thought if you got wed in church you still had to do the official stuff?

Normally this wouldn't be on my radar but just yesterday I heard some family friends in their 70s, have got married - I think for inheritance tax reasons.

I hate this infantilising of everyone.

We got married 6 years ago (England) and I have zero recollection of being interviewed. I’m also from another country but have held a British passport since I was a child. Maybe it was the sleep-deprived stupor of having a baby that means I don’t remember this at all.