To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

I do agree with the poster who says that you’re choosing to hold on to this - I’m sure you have your reasons for that, it would be healthier to accept and move on but life isn’t always that simple.

I might have misunderstood, but I'm gathering that it wasn't just a normal name that sounds funny with a surname, like Theresa Green or Eileen Dover, but that the first name is not really a name - just a word chosen and used as a name to make it sound funny. The kind of thing you might joke about calling your child but (most people) would never actually do.

So you keep getting something like this (or worry about it happening, even if it doesn't):

Hi, I'm Lisa Higgins

But it says here 'M. L. Higgins'

Yes, I go by my middle name

Ah, well we need your full name, so what's your first name?

Merry. I'm Merry Lisa Higgins.

Ooh, that's unusual, I've never heard of somebody called Merry before. Did your parents have a reason for calling you that?

Yes, my maiden name was Christmas, so my parents called me Merry: Merry Christmas.

What? Why would they do that?!

I think they found it funny.

Oh.

And then there's the awkward silence - thoughts that might be going through their head such as:
Why would you actually do that?
Were her parents really stupid?
Did they not like her?
Is she making it up, just for attention?

And this throws you into the spotlight, makes you feel judged, makes you start to wonder the same about your parents - did they not like me, did they just see me as little more than a joke to give them a giggle and not care about me going through life like that?

But at the same time, it IS still the official name that you were given and it feels odd officially jettisoning it; like doing so would bring all the ill-feeling for your parents out in the open - when they are/were nice, kind parents in all other respects, apart from saddling you with a ridiculous name. Considering officially changing it feels almost like you have to throw away a part of your identity and yourself - even though it's not your commonly used identity, it does still relate to you. Because giving a child a name is such a major thing, you would feel like changing it was a betrayal of them and a huge slap in the face to them, when they just wanted you to have an interesting name.

All the time when, if they'd just called you Lisa Claire, even on occasions when you do have to give your maiden name, it's just:

What was your maiden name?

Christmas - Lisa Claire Christmas.

Ooh, that's a nice festive name!

I think I might see where you're coming from now, OP - and it's a deep-rooted issue that saying "Just change it and stop moaning, so simple" doesn't really address at all. I may be way off, but I think I sort of get it

I just find it strange that you're traumatised by your name that you've never really been called, that was given to you by people that love and care for you (as you stated). There are many, many MNers who are traumatised by terrible, awful childhood experiences. In this context your perceived trauma seems utterly ridiculous.

Let it go.

Why don't you want to change your name op?

@Nameproblemsagain

In all truth and honesty I wouldn’t say that changing my surname wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t the hardest thing in the world, obviously, but it wasn’t no work at all either. But that is by the by: the thread has fixated on changing my name even though I’ve said (politely - thanks for above for acknowledging that!) that I’d prefer not to do that for a variety of reasons!

You've already changed your name, though, or rather your parents have. You might not want to go through the rigamarole of a deed poll, but why don't you just drop your first name and use the middle one, to avoid irritation, given that that is how you are known anyway?

You're called Eleanor Rigby or Jane Austen, or whatever it is, but you've always been known as Sarah. In most contexts, you can just call yourself Sarah Rigby. Legally, your name is whatever you are known by. DH has a foreign name that no one can pronounce, so he is known by a British name that bears no relation to his actual name - say, his actual name is Tharupiyum but he is known as Harry. Harry is not on his birth certificate but it has become the name he is known by, Apart from his passport and our marriage certificate, he is Harry on everything else, perfectly legally.

I get what you are saying about changing your name officially not erasing the original irritation with your parents. OTOH, why keep rubbing your own face in it, by using Eleanor on forms etc when, in 99% of situations, you could just call yourself Sarah?

Blame your parents not the bank staff who naturally called you by your legal name. why on earth didn't your parents register you under the name they wanted to use?! I can see why you're cross with them.
I'm sorry , but the only way to avoid this is to legally change your name to the unofficial one you are known by.

Some of these responses are pretty harsh. A name is a big part of identity for goodness sake, one of the first we get and pretty much the first thing we learn about someone when we meet. Try to have some imagination or empathy for what it’s like to be saddled with one for whatever reason has associated baggage with it.
I dislike my name for various reasons, partly because it doesn’t suit me and my parents were definitely thinking of themselves when they named me and not of how it would be to have that name and the image of the person it may conjure which while being a lazy stereotype has still been tricky to navigate at times and just does not fit with me or my identity.

Being called by it is jarring. I’ve experienced trauma in my life and have a high adverse childhood experience score. It doesn’t make how I feel on a bodily level about my name any less as others have suggested and in doing so have belittled the OPs experiences as unimportant.

Parents should take the responsibility of naming their children seriously and not saddle their children with "joke" names. It is shortsighted, stupid and disrespectful to the people they will grow into.

I'm glad my parents weren't into doing that sort of thing. The worst they did was decide that I would be known by my middle name and to this day I really can't understand why. Why couldn't they have put the name I was to be known by first on my birth certificate. They have never been able to explain it either (I have asked).

I've had to explain fairly often why I am known by my middle name. I don't think my reaction to this is as visceral as OP's, but I do feel frustrated by it. It is tedious.

I've seriously considered using deed poll to officially drop the first name that I never use. I can't quite decide to take the plunge though. My parents didn't choose a joke name, they did choose carefully and gave names that they loved. Deciding to change that isn't a decision I would take lightly.

I understand some of OP's frustration. I suspect that the real issue is hurt at the joke name. I would personally find that hard to forgive.

If you decide you want to change your name, it is not difficult and it is not unending hassle.

I made an alteration to mine, and notified the tax and NI offices, and the doctor. Hardly anybody else has any records going back to before I changed it.

Anybody else, I just tell my "new" name. If I start a new job, I tell them my name, and it matches the tax and NI forms.

If anybody wants to see my birth certificate, I provide it with a covering letter (I used to have some spare copies printed, but now I keep it on the computer and print when required.. Which is very very rare.

PigletJohn

Not wanting to out you, but I'm assuming your previous name was Jon Hamm - and you changed it as you kept getting your post mixed up with that of the American actor?

OP, with all due respect, you are CHOOSING to be enraged and upset time and time again by an issue which would be easily solved, and you keep looking for excuses not to solve it, hence guaranteeing a life of upset and frustration. It does sound like you just enjoy the drama.

You have two options:

a) You DON'T legally change your name and put up with people using your legal name. People cannot read you mind to know you're not known by that name, and honestly, won't care about your naming circumstances either.

b) You DO legally change your name. You may have to go through a bit of red tape, but that will prevent the situation in a).

Your choice, really.

@QuinkWashable

So yes it might be my name in a legal sense but since I’ve never been called it

In the UK you can call yourself whatever you like and that is your legal name. If you have never used the one on your birth certificate, then it is simply not your legal name, it's just the name on your birth certificate.

And getting a passport in a new name is easy, you don't even need your deedpoll to be put in the register, you literally pay the UK deed poll service 35 quid (this is for peace of mind, you don't officially even need to do that), and send that deedpoll, along with your birth certificate, and yes, an explanation that you have changed your name and would like your passport in the new one (and that's all!). I know this, I did it for my son.

Driving license is similarly easy, just explain that you want to use the name you want to use. Honestly.

Incidentally you can’t legally change children’s names in the UK unless done officially with the consent of everybody with PR or a court order.

But yes, for adults it’s a simple process.

It really isn’t bullshit. When we apply for jobs we have to write down if we’ve ever changed our name and why

Who is ‘we’? I HAVE changed my name and don’t recall ever having had to explain why in nearly 30 years. Others on the thread have said the same.

Even if you do have to give a reason, what’s so hard about writing “have never been known by this name?”

No, changing your name WON’T magically get rid of the feelings associated with your parents thoughtlessness, but it will at least prevent you being confronted by them whenever you meet strangers in formal situations.

Some people seem to LIKE being victims. It’s comfortable. Taking control would involve stepping out of that role and so they don’t do it. Which is frustrating to watch/read, and probably why you’ve had the responses you’ve had. Counselling would let you explore why you won’t take one simple, straightforward step to help yourself.

Incidentally you can’t legally change children’s names in the UK unless done officially with the consent of everybody with PR or a court order.

Oh, yes, I had full permission from his dad. I actually think that the deed poll isn't technically enough until you're 16 either, that it should be officially recorded in the gazette or whatever - but the passport office issued his passport without issue, and he's had visas in multiple countries since, so it doesn't seem to be an issue anyway.

In the UK we're very free-for-all for names unlike a child I met who had 3 official names due to being Greek (ie a name written in greek characters), born in France (ie. needing a greek name, in anglicised characters), with a dad from a country that used Cyrillic (so a second passport, with his greek name, now in Cyrillic). The mum was tearing her hair out filling in forms with that!

My SIS is in the same position, never has an issue.

All very dramatic!

@Nameproblemsagain

And I’m not angry at the bank by the way, I just really, really loathe being brightly greeted by that name.

I suppose because the ‘hi is supposed to be a bit matey and informal but it just serves the purpose of reminding me of a rather un-funny joke.

DH used to ‘jokingly’ call me my name until he realised it really did upset me. He doesn’t now.

I know the problem lies with me but it’s because in one way or another my name has been a PITA all my life.

In a previous job I lost count of the number of people who would get angry with me for calling them by their official name. Think "I'm officially Bob but everyone calls me Tim". Do us all a favour and change your name! I did it years ago by deed poll and it was very simple!

To answer your original question, yes YABU to be annoyed by people calling you by your legal name. How is the person at the bank supposed to know you don't like it?

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

It literally is your name though and always has been.

Also do yourself a favour and just change it. Why are you even arsed if you might on a rare chance have to declare it in a new job? How often are you changing jobs in high security?

I don't understand why you fixate on the issue of explaining why you changed your name. Honestly people do it all the time, no-one will care.

@Nameproblemsagain

Divorce and marriage are a bit different though, as that’s all you need to put.

Explaining it because you had a ‘silly’ name is different and it looks as if I have something to hide. I understand some people don’t get this but that’s how it feels to me.

Or you could say you didn't like your name

@Nameproblemsagain

It really isn’t bullshit. When we apply for jobs we have to write down if we’ve ever changed our name and why. In the overwhelming majority of cases it’s just going to be ‘got married / divorced.’

Who do you mean by "we"? I'v never seen that question on job applications. If you are asked, you can simply put "Didn't like original name".

How often do you apply for jobs anyway? On a simple time calculation, you will go to places like your bank and your doctor way more often than you will apply for jobs.

That's a good point. At most I've been asked for names I've previously been known by for DBS checks or older references. Nobody has ever asked why it changed.

Sorry...

You aren't taking any of it on board. It makes for hard reading and I'm sad for you OP, I've been that person and you don't poo-poo good suggestions and turn away from help because it's fun. This is clearly a bigger problem than you are able to let yourself see I really hope you get some help with this.

I've been that person, too. It is really hard.

I thought @amoobaa's post was very insightful. Maybe pp are doing you a favour, reflecting the pain and hurt that you feel but can't face up to yet.

What your parents did was shitty and stupid. You do have a choice, as an adult, about how much you let it affect your life from now on. I suspect that a part of you doesn't want to let it go, because in a way it's a kind of proof of how you were mistreated. If you simply change your name and move on, it would feel like saying it was all okay. But it clearly isn't okay.

Just when I thought this thread couldn’t get any more irksome, the OP drops this bombshell.

I won’t have to explain why I have changed my name because I won’t be changing my name

😂