To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

@Supersee

What a headache of a thread.

Well, you didn’t have to read it.

I do need to explain why I changed it at work and if I apply for new jobs in the future. But this is not relevant and if people are getting frustrated, I just don’t see it as worth an argument.

Like most people I have various stresses in my life. I posted today because going into the bank reminded me of something that as a rule I try to forget. Changing it formally won’t solve that no matter how annoyed people get about it. I’m genuinely sorry if that’s frustrated people but that’s how it is.

@Nameproblemsagain

Divorce and marriage are a bit different though, as that’s all you need to put.

Explaining it because you had a ‘silly’ name is different and it looks as if I have something to hide. I understand some people don’t get this but that’s how it feels to me.

You don't say anything about a silly name, you say that for reasons you don't know you were always called by your middle name and so you've formalized it and now your legal name matches your known name.

That's not even an unusual situation. And you have to remember, whatever your hated name is, that doesn't reflect on you at all. It wasn't your choice. None of this has been your choice except to be upset and to continue to be upset.

OP, when someone gives you shit, you don’t have to take it.

You can change things and you can change the way you feel about them. You don’t have to see yourself as a victim of your parents’ choices.

It really isn’t bullshit. When we apply for jobs we have to write down if we’ve ever changed our name and why. In the overwhelming majority of cases it’s just going to be ‘got married / divorced.’

I don’t.

@Nameproblemsagain trust me, I wish I never! I'll never get those minutes back over the biggest non-problem 😩

@Nameproblemsagain

It really isn’t bullshit. When we apply for jobs we have to write down if we’ve ever changed our name and why. In the overwhelming majority of cases it’s just going to be ‘got married / divorced.’

'Why did you change your name'
You - 'I didn't like it'

And the whole world moves on.

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@FlissyPaps you have said you weren’t angry and I accept that. But the post I quoted did sound really pissed off. I can’t imagine speaking to anyone like that unless I was really thoroughly exasperated, end of my tether, for-fucks-SAKE sort of mood.

Anyway that isn’t important.[/quote]
To be fair there was a lot of round about the houses OP, I was trying to be careful how I posted because I wanted to be a lot more straight talking but know I can be blunt to the point of rudeness.

Still think therapy would be your best bet here.

@starrynight21

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves

If you don't like your name and you want to use a different one, what further problems could be created by changing it ? Changing isn't hard, and I can't even begin to understand why this would also make you angry.

Having to inform absolutely everyone? Having to send documentation to people? I can see it being quite a hassle.

@Nameproblemsagain

It really isn’t bullshit. When we apply for jobs we have to write down if we’ve ever changed our name and why. In the overwhelming majority of cases it’s just going to be ‘got married / divorced.’

Because I wanted to, because I can, you don't need to tell them the real reason.

@Regularsizedrudy bullshit. You really really can't think of at least one job where the information handled or security clearance is so high, that absolutely you have to explain and document who you are/reasons for name changes etc?

So I imagine it’s something like if the maiden name was Simpson and the parents wrote on the birth certificate Marge Rachel but the parents always called the child Rachel but thought Marge Simpson was funny. Officials would use Marge and this would feel like you were the butt of the joke?

I think it’s easier than you imagine to take that name away, short term pain for long term gain and you don’t have to keep explaining it.

Names can be very emotive I once called an inpatient by her original name as it was on her birth certificate and she attacked and threatened to kill me. No one mentioned that she hated and didn’t use that name but it was written on her official record.

My mother in law had this issue but she seemed to take it all in her stride. It did upset me on her behalf though especially when she was poorly near the end of her life and well meaning health professionals etc would call her by her legal name which no one ever called her. I think it might be a weird Irish tradition of her generation to name your kid one thing then call them something different.

And yet you keep replying @Supersee

Thanks @Gwenhwyfar

@Faevern yes that’s right

@Nameproblemsagain

Divorce and marriage are a bit different though, as that’s all you need to put.

Explaining it because you had a ‘silly’ name is different and it looks as if I have something to hide. I understand some people don’t get this but that’s how it feels to me.

Who would you have to explain it to? I'm really confused by this.

I think this needs to be a warning to all parents:
Stop calling your children ridiculous names.
You need to register your baby as the name you intend to call your child. I'm not taking about Stephen/Steve or Josephine/Josie. I'm taking about registering your child as Fanny Maggie Moo and then referring to them as Laura.
It's ridiculous.
I know of adults who are called say Martin John Jones but their parents have always intended calling them Johnny. When asked why they did this it's always "Oh John or Johnny Jones doesn't sound as good!" Well why on earth register them as Martin? Seriously it's stupid.
I feel the same about surnames.
Unmarried parents, mum has a lovely surname, dad has a name that will be ridiculed. Add to this the name they have chosen for their child sounds silly when coupled with dad's surname and what do they do? Lumber the child with the shit surname.

I feel for you. Naming a child is a massive thing and something that stays with a person forever. To have an almost joke name is unacceptable IMO. Your parents were nasty to do this. Whether it was intended nastiness or not, it's a lot to deal with.

You have the choice of changing it, or re-framing your attitude to it. Only you can decide which to do.

Or do nothing and just seethe about it for the rest of your life.

@Gardeningcreature

I think this needs to be a warning to all parents: Stop calling your children ridiculous names. You need to register your baby as the name you intend to call your child. I'm not taking about Stephen/Steve or Josephine/Josie. I'm taking about registering your child as Fanny Maggie Moo and then referring to them as Laura. It's ridiculous. I know of adults who are called say Martin John Jones but their parents have always intended calling them Johnny. When asked why they did this it's always "Oh John or Johnny Jones doesn't sound as good!" Well why on earth register them as Martin? Seriously it's stupid. I feel the same about surnames. Unmarried parents, mum has a lovely surname, dad has a name that will be ridiculed. Add to this the name they have chosen for their child sounds silly when coupled with dad's surname and what do they do? Lumber the child with the shit surname.

I gave DD her dad's surname precisely so she wouldn't be stuck with the/my shit (and also very weird/wrong sounding with her first name) surname.

Changing it formally won’t solve that no matter how annoyed people get about it. I’m genuinely sorry if that’s frustrated people but that’s how it is.

But changing it would solve part of the problem.

People are getting frustrated because you are so stuck in this way of thinking that you can't see that by changing your name it would probably help you enormously in the future.

People have given you really good advice about the disclosure forms for work, which I agree with PP won't need filled out very often surely?

People have given you really good advice about therapy and your parents.

You aren't taking any of it on board. It makes for hard reading and I'm sad for you OP, I've been that person and you don't poo-poo good suggestions and turn away from help because it's fun. This is clearly a bigger problem than you are able to let yourself see I really hope you get some help with this.

I was adopted. On adoption my parents changed my name to a name that always jarred with me, and then called me a nickname (basically the 2 initial letters) anyway. My adopted name never fitted me and I never liked it. I tolerated the nickname out of respect but didn't like it, I am a person and I have a name, not just letters! Eventually I changed my first name by deed poll to a name of my choice. As others have said, it costs about £20. Then you send the deed poll off with your driving licence and passport applications to get them changed to new name. Voila, you then have official photo ID of your new name to use everywhere else. You take that to GP etc and get them to change the name on your health records.

On job applications, you just give your new name. If asked to show ID you show photo ID. If you have to fill out security forms eg for criminal records checks you will be asked if you were ever known by another name and you declare it there.

It really is as simple as people are saying, I promise you.

Names are important, they are part of us. Change your name to legally be what you have always been called if you prefer that name.

I understand you op. You need to get your name changed. Yea it will be a pain in the arse for a few years but in the future it will be fine and so distant. I think you should go through with it. I dont think it will be as hassle as you think, people change surnames all the time when getting married. If I was you I would go through the hassle now and some hassle for a few years, and every year it will crop up even less than the last. When you are 80 you wont have heard or had to think of the name for decades.

Another who was given a 'first' name which I have never been called, not only that, but the 'first' name was one that people often got wrong. Cue a bit of a panic when I wouldn't wake up following surgery because they were calling my name, one I had never been called and also pronouncing the one I had been called wrongly !

@Nameproblemsagain

The problem isn’t really solved though.

As I’ve said I still have to refer to it on job apps etc and I need to explain why I changed it and tbh I don’t particularly want to get into it.

I do understand some people think that this is purely about the name and it isn’t.

I'm sorry, I'm not getting the part why you have to refer to your name change /explain it and you really don't!!!! Just get it changed , then get some help for your issues re the name