To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

@Nameproblemsagain haven't RTFT so this may have already been suggested, but would it be possible to do a deed poll where you simply swap your names around? So have the name you use as your first name and the one you don't as your middle name?

I have a cousin who I've known by one name our whole lives, none of the family have ever called him anything different...then he got married and all us cousins were gobsmacked to find out his name was actually his third name - he had 2 other names we never knew about and the whole way through the ceremony his "real" first name was used. Our minds were blown! The aunts thought it was hilarious

@MissChanandlerBong80

And if you don’t want to change it, then don’t come and complain about it on an online forum.

Lol, how self-important. You aren’t the MN police. OP can complain about whatever she likes. She’s entitled to her feelings. Her AIBU is whether she’s unreasonable to have these feelings about her name. And in my view she’s not, at all. Her feelings are entirely valid. I find it easy to see why it would be upsetting and infuriating to have a name your parents had given you as a joke.

Sometimes people don’t want solutions or they aren’t happy with the potential solutions available. Sometimes they just want to have their feelings about how they’ve been treated acknowledged. Not just ‘change it or shut the fuck up’.

Never claimed to be the MN Police, but surely if OP was wanting sympathy/empathy/kind validating responses they wouldn’t have posted on a AIBU thread, then get defensive and claim people are angry when OP is met with “YABU” and sensible replies. (Change your name, or deal with it)

Life’s too short to spend it upset over a “joke name”.

It a name bothers someone to the point of having to make a thread about it on an online forum they should change it. Not complain about it. That’s not going solve anything.

Whether or not you consider it to be your name, it is your name - and how is the bank supposed to know that you are not known by it. Honestly, of all the things to get worked up over. You aren't the only person who faces this - never heard anyone else get so upset about it.

I know loads of people who have changed first name by deed poll. You don’t have to state on job applications, if you get the job you just provide the deed poll along with your other docs, no questions are asked.

@FlissyPaps you have said you weren’t angry and I accept that. But the post I quoted did sound really pissed off. I can’t imagine speaking to anyone like that unless I was really thoroughly exasperated, end of my tether, for-fucks-SAKE sort of mood.

Anyway that isn’t important.

1. Thank you for posting this as i now know how easy it is to change my name! Thats another to-do job on my divorce list

1. I can kind of understand you. I have been going by a shortened version of my name for the past 40 years, even my siblings use it. Only my parents and official businesses use my full name and its so jarring especially if it doesn't register in my brain that they are calling me. Now, whenever I hear the full name, even on television, I can hear my mothers disapproving voice as she said it. Think of it being called Betty or Maggie but doctors, dentist, teachers, etc call me Elizabeth / Margaret. They sound so different in short form (softer) to full. I always think the full name reminds me of when parents call you by your really full name of Elizabeth Katherine Smith, go to your room right now!

I think its because you hate being called it soooo much, and it is so easy to change.

You change it once, and then update your accounts and passport.

Then the only time you have to mention it is if applying for a job/dbs.

It's like you're making a problem for yourself by holding on to the anger towards your parents

[quote Nameproblemsagain]@FlissyPaps you have said you weren’t angry and I accept that. But the post I quoted did sound really pissed off. I can’t imagine speaking to anyone like that unless I was really thoroughly exasperated, end of my tether, for-fucks-SAKE sort of mood.

Anyway that isn’t important.[/quote]
I apologise if my original post sounded like I was pissed off and upset you in any way.

I had read the full thread at that point and was just confused at why you were posting about being upset over people using your legal name but weren’t willing or interested in changing it.

I wish you and your name all the best in life. I hope you find peace with the situation or come to a sensible solution that works for you and your peace of mind.

No worries @FlissyPaps take care

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

im really confused by this . when your parents named you they gave you a totally different name to the one you have always been named , but you were a newborn baby ,, how can you have always been named something different ? that makes no sense ,

and of everyone addresses you by this name then clearly it is your actual name and it seems you want to be called something else , if thats the case deed poll is the way to go , and you only have to declare name changes when applying for things like a new passport or renewing a driving licence , you wouldnt have to announce it at a job interview

So yes it might be my name in a legal sense but since I’ve never been called it

In the UK you can call yourself whatever you like and that is your legal name. If you have never used the one on your birth certificate, then it is simply not your legal name, it's just the name on your birth certificate.

And getting a passport in a new name is easy, you don't even need your deedpoll to be put in the register, you literally pay the UK deed poll service 35 quid (this is for peace of mind, you don't officially even need to do that), and send that deedpoll, along with your birth certificate, and yes, an explanation that you have changed your name and would like your passport in the new one (and that's all!). I know this, I did it for my son.

Driving license is similarly easy, just explain that you want to use the name you want to use. Honestly.

Just something to consider, as people I work with have this be of relevance to them and so it’s something I really think you should think about.

If, one day when your old, and heaven forbid possibly you might even get dementia, you may have medical treatment or carers etc and the likelihood is you will get called by the “official” name. It could be very very confusing and distressing for you, even more so than it is now. This could be quite upsetting so I urge you to really think about how you would feel in that situation. I think perhaps the annoyance and upset now, which I can completely understand, might save you a lot greater upset in the future.

As I’ve said I have looked into changing it by deed poll but I really don’t want to have to be explaining this in the future on job applications mainly
As someone who changed her name by deed poll and had had a million jobs: I’ve never had to explain it, very rarely needed to mention it in any circumstances – it simply does not come up. Ever. DVLA, passport, etc, was a one-time-only piece of easy admin. DP didn’t even know for the first six years of our relationship, and I wasn’t the one to tell him because I completely forgot it was even a thing. Just change it and feel lighter, forever.

Hi OP,

Just to say, I've changed my DC's names twice and they're not even 18 yet. They have a bank account and a passport in their new names. No drama and no problems.

I changed mine too when I got divorced and it was the best feeling!

I do have to declare it sometimes on a form in the 'have you ever been known by another name' but so will most married women, it's really no big deal.

If it's upsetting you to that degree, just change it and have done with it.

Divorce and marriage are a bit different though, as that’s all you need to put.

Explaining it because you had a ‘silly’ name is different and it looks as if I have something to hide. I understand some people don’t get this but that’s how it feels to me.

@Nameproblemsagain

The problem isn’t really solved though.

As I’ve said I still have to refer to it on job apps etc and I need to explain why I changed it and tbh I don’t particularly want to get into it.

I do understand some people think that this is purely about the name and it isn’t.

NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.

You get a deed poll, then get your ID changed and done.

How do you think all of us who got married get on? We don't have to explain to every new employer that our first x jobs were in the name of Smith but now we are called Jones. As I said, the only issue might be if you had to prove a qualification but then all you would do is show certificate plus deed poll.

Seriously you are making this really hard. It is not. And I AM a lawyer, and you do not need one to do a deed poll. Please read the comments and take them on board. People are advising you correctly.

@Nameproblemsagain

Divorce and marriage are a bit different though, as that’s all you need to put.

Explaining it because you had a ‘silly’ name is different and it looks as if I have something to hide. I understand some people don’t get this but that’s how it feels to me.

But you're never going to need to explain it

I do have to explain it in the context of work.

Peoples line of work is different.

@Nameproblemsagain

I'd like to make some suggestions because this is something that clearly troubles you but you can't see your way past it. Frankly, life is too short to be permanently miserable about something that's well within your power to fix once you take ownership of the issue and decide to do something about it.

Look at it as a two part problem. Part one is easily sorted, call it 'Life Admin' We all have life admin tasks that we don't particularly want to address and often feel we shouldn't have to. Fixing other people's mistakes is one. Do the Deed Poll, rectify the admin anomaly and fix your parents' mistake. Move on from there.

Part two is harder. I'd really recommend you talk to someone about the way that your parents named you and how you've felt about it ever since. It's potentially true that they were just silly, no malice intended and no real thought about their baby growing up, having opinions and being completely separate from them. Read the baby names threads on here and you know for sure that there's a ridiculous range of names that people consider and that people aren't always thinking straight when they do decide on what to register their baby as. If you can talk it out and remove the personal it would stand you well and you'd be able to box that off and move forward without those negative feelings towards either the name or your parents' decision.

I think you owe it to yourself

Seriously you are making this really hard

Not really, if politely saying I don’t want to do something is ‘making it really hard’ maybe I am but I don’t think this is the case.

@Nameproblemsagain

I do have to explain it in the context of work.

Peoples line of work is different.

You literally never need to explain WHY you have changed your name. Ever.

What a headache of a thread.

@Nameproblemsagain

I do have to explain it in the context of work.

Peoples line of work is different.

If anyone asks you say 'I changed it because I wanted to' end of discussion.

OP, you really sound like you want this to be a problem you cling on to.

@Nameproblemsagain

I do have to explain it in the context of work.

Peoples line of work is different.

Oh bullshit. People are more sensitive and aware now than ever about name changes. You have to prove you have changed your name, you don’t have to explain it. You have added loads of emotional baggage to something simple.