To have such a visceral reaction to being called by my name?

[Nameproblemsagain]

I probably am BU about this, but when my parents named me they gave me a totally different name to the one I’ve always been named and while on a logical sort of level I know this wasn’t the intent, it’s always felt a bit like a cruel joke.

Went into the bank today and was greeted by the wrong name. It just really fills me with annoyance.

I know people will say to change it but I’ve never been sure that this doesn’t create more problems than it solves. Plus, I think actually doing this would make me angry too!

So hit me - AIBU?

@Nameproblemsagain I think you’ve remained very composed, considering how many people simply aren’t listening to you and seem unable to think about your experience from an emotional perspective rather than a practical one.

You could easily change your name by deed poll but that won’t magically fix the feelings you have about what your parents have done.

To all the people dismissing OP’s feelings, you can’t seriously believe that a parent’s choice of name for their child carries so little significance?

Think of all the times people pour their heart and soul into name choices. Because they care so much.

OP, I think it’s really sad that your parents have chosen a name that is a joke and their only explanation when questioned is that they found it funny.

Read up on transference (in psychoanalytic theory) you might find it interesting that the overwhelming majority of posters here are responding to you with frustration, annoyance and anger… when you have done nothing wrong apart from share your feelings. Not only that, but you would be completely justified in feeling frustrated, annoyed and angry yourself.

But these are devastating and painful feelings. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go there and I imagine you realise this (because you mentioned that this issue is much deeper for you than a bit of legal paperwork).

Perhaps All these posters are doing you a favour. Perhaps they are all feeling and expressing the feelings that you don’t want to feel or express.

Perhaps the unexpressed feelings, the understandable anger towards your parents (whom you can love and be furious with simultaneously) go something along the lines of, ‘what the actual fuckety fucking fuck are you playing at!?’

Why did they treat your name like a joke?

Why do they show no interest in your feelings about it, when it continues to follow you and taint so many significant moments in your life and times you feel most vulnerable- your jobs, your c-section and all the other times/ things you mentioned.

Posters here are basically holding a big mirror up to you and reflecting back your own feelings.

Maybe you’d be better off if you owned some of these feelings OP?

I bet you’d have got a different, more empathic, kinder response if you’d said:

I know I can easily change my name by deed poll but I’m just so fucking angry/ hurt (insert your emotions here) that my parents chose a joke name for me. Didn’t I mean more to them than that? I know it’s ultimately my responsibility to deal with it (and all the unwanted memories and feelings it’s left me with) BUT that doesn’t change how unfair it feels. I wish they hadn’t done this to me, it’s made me feel so shit. In my day to day life I hide my feelings and I just want a place to express then here.

Maybe it’s time to get angry?

Feelings are not logical and they can’t really be judged. They just are. And they tell us a great deal about ourselves if we pay attention to them.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re entirely reasonable and I welcome your feelings, whatever they are.

Maybe once you feel heard and respected, you’ll be able to think about changing your name (as the icing on the cake, not the solution to your hurt).

I know it’s not fair, but ultimately you are now responsible for something that you neither deserved nor asked for. In fact, it’s entirely the fault of your parents… but you alone have to pick up the piece and decide if you want to move forwards or stay stuck.

You sounds lovely and I hope you find a way to get unstuck

You're being utterly ridiculous.

Thousands of people in the UK go by their middle name. Thousands.

No one cares.

I've had loads of job applications land on my desk where a name change has been declared and the reason is "always been known by middle name."

No one cares. It isnt a discussion. At all.

Once you change it at the bank, it is done. They wont call you by your old name again. It's done.

You're one of those people who just enjoys misery. You're creating your own drama and misery and wont take 5 minutes to put a simple solution in motion.

People change their names every day, for all sorts of reasons.

No on cares.

Either change it or stop moaning when strangers use your legal name.

I changed my name to my mums maiden name by deed poll when I was 18 years, due to a disappearing father (I had his name on my birth certificate).

I’ve had to put my former surname on some forms but never been asked why I changed my name. I think some have assumed marriage, but the reason is no-one else’s business.

I know you feel fed up with being given the name on your birth certificate in the first place … but you don’t have to carry the name if you don’t want too.
Deed poll, get a new passport and ta dar! Done!

You don't sound angry. You sound fed up and exhausted with it all and I don't blame you.

I don't think it's as simple as changing your name. This is so much more than that. Do you think you'd benefit from talking to a counsellor? And if your parents are still around, can you tell them how it has affected your whole life because it has impacted your whole life.

My Dad is Scottish and often if the given name is x, the used name is y. He seamlessly switches between x and y depending on context. It makes it slightly awkward at times for me because I deal with lots of his affairs and I have to take a minute to think about whether he would be x or y in that context.

My DD has LDs. We gave her quite an old fashioned long name that shortened into a name that is a popular contraction of three or four different first names. The contraction can be spelt -y or -ie. Hers is -ie and she gets really cross if someone spells it -y.

Two of her first coherent sentences (speech and language disorder) were 'My name is -ie. There's no 'y' in '

I've changed my surname a few times through marriage and by deed-pol - 5. I've never been asked why. It really is that easy, as other pp have said. For something that bothers you so much, surely it would be worth the effort. IF anyone asks, just say you've always been known as .*** so finally making it legal. End of story.
I'm assuming your name was something like Penny (Anne) Farthing and you got married and are now Penny (Anne) Smith but your parents always called you Anne. Incredibly childish of them but what can you do!

My DB has always used his middle name not his first name. In fact, he was named with the expectation his middle name would be his ‘real’ name. This was because our parents thought the two names they’d chosen worked best in that order. It’s never caused any problems and no one has called him the wrong name.

I presume this is because of the way it’s been recorded - ie making it clear it’s the middle name that’s the name to be used. On less official documents my DB doesn’t even put his first name. His bank calls him by his ‘real’ name too - because he’s clearly got it recorded in a way that makes this obvious eg, his bank card.

Could you not slowly go through all places your name is recorded and amend it in such a way to remove the chance someone will mistakenly call you it? And for places where you don’t have to put your full name, just omit it altogether.

@amoobaa

She wouldnt have been called the wrong name at most of her examples if she just legally changed it when she became an adult and updated all her records.

Going for her C section, they never even would have known her old name.

It's on her for dragging it around with her for no damn reason.

Oooh I really want to share my joke name now!!!

Done entirely on purpose as a nod to the Beatles and drug usage (hopefully) not this specific drug

Song
Lucy in the sky with diamonds

My initials at birth were LSD

I always thought it was a good icebreaker 😄
I'm NOT a drug user

If you have to given an explanation then, like a PP said, you only need to say "always known by my middle name". Nothing more is required

@Nameproblemsagain

It really isn’t bullshit. When we apply for jobs we have to write down if we’ve ever changed our name and why. In the overwhelming majority of cases it’s just going to be ‘got married / divorced.’

But how many jobs do you apply for?

You're being utterly ridiculous.

Thousands of people in the UK go by their middle name. Thousands.

No one cares.

I've had loads of job applications land on my desk where a name change has been declared and the reason is "always been known by middle name."

No one cares. It isnt a discussion. At all.

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish except OP cares... And it's her name. It's really not about what anyone else thinks.

She's said repeatedly that she doesn't want to change her name because it won't take away the feeling she has about it.

The feeling of being reminded when she's called the wrong name will be replaced by a similar feeling when she fills in a form with the name change.

Maybe it would solve it for you- or thousands of other people- but that's not really the point here.

@Nameproblemsagain you have my sympathy for a difficult situation and the variety of responses in this thread. I think you've remained polite throughout.

I wonder if Relationships might have given you a different response than aibu? As pp have said, this is an emotional thing and those can't always be easily resolved or judged as un/reasonable because feelings aren't rational

I think the issue with this thread is that your actusl issue is trying to resolve the feelings you have with your parents giving you this 'joke' name.
Unfortunately the way you've explained your issue means everyone is focusing on the actual name and how easy it would be to change it, rather than the deeper issue you're experiencing.

If you changed your surname when you got married you would have seen it isn't a particularly big deal to change your name, and that a concern about job applications etc is fairly misplaced.

I don't think it's some posters fault that they've misunderstood your concern if they haven't read all your replies. But fuck me, there are some desperately rude people here.

@Nameproblemsagain

Thanks for the responses. The problem is if I changed names formally I’d have to keep explaining that then which makes it a bigger deal than it is.

Surely the bank didn't call you by the wrong name. They called you by your name

See it’s comments like this that are the problem. I’ve had teachers say to me that it’s my name and insist on calling me it, situations in healthcare etc. It’s not my name and never has been.

You've got two options, really, haven't you? Change your name legally. Or issue everyone in banks, healthcare, teaching, and every other institution with a crystal ball, so that they can magically sense that the name you use on documents is not what you want to be called.

Which do you think will be easier?

In all truth and honesty I wouldn’t say that changing my surname wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t the hardest thing in the world, obviously, but it wasn’t no work at all either. But that is by the by: the thread has fixated on changing my name even though I’ve said (politely - thanks for above for acknowledging that!) that I’d prefer not to do that for a variety of reasons!

Even if you DO have to explain why you've changed your name when applying for a job - (which I don't understand at all, it's never happened to me since I did my deed poll) surely that's less hassle and less likely to provoke questions than not changing your name and.

1. Applying for a job in your (official) name, getting the Job and then saying "oh but that's not my name, my name is actually actually (preferred) name"

1. Applying for job in (preferred) name and then having the awkward question from payroll/HR of why doesn't your name match the (official) name linked to your NI number/tax records.

Surely either of those are going raise more questions and look more dodgy than just changing your name by deed poll in the first place and having everything match.

[quote BeforeGodAndAllTheFish]@amoobaa

She wouldnt have been called the wrong name at most of her examples if she just legally changed it when she became an adult and updated all her records.

Going for her C section, they never even would have known her old name.

It's on her for dragging it around with her for no damn reason.[/quote]
Yes, it’s entirely true that she wouldn’t have been called the wrong name if she had changed it.

But I think that’s missing the point.

Perhaps it’s not the name itself that causes so much emotion, but the fact her parents chose it for her as a thoughtless joke.

Is it on her for dragging the name around?

Or is it on her parents for giving her that name to begin with?

If you want to point your finger at someone, why point it at the victim?

Yes time has moved on… Yes she’s an adult now… Obviously it’s her responsibility to fix the problem (that they created) but she has every right to express her feelings about it.

If I poked you in the eye, and you expressed pain… wouldn’t you hope bystanders would say, “ouch, that looked painful… Amoobaa was out of order doing that to you” rather than, “oh do shut up and get over it… all you need to do is put some ice on it”

Yes, if you were still banging on about your eye decades later, everyone would be fed up.

But what if I poked you in the eye on the day you were born and it impacted your for the rest of your life AND you never expressed your hurt? Then one day you decided to say how much it affected you and people told you to shut up and just put some ice in it?

No… the reasonable response would be, “I’m so sorry Amoobaa poked you in the eye when you were so defenceless and vulnerable. I can see why you’d be hurt. I’m afraid you’re responsible for your eye care now and unfortunately you’re going to have to take responsibility for Amoobaa’s actions, but I recognise that must feel really unfair and I’m sorry to hear about what she did to your eye.”

I won’t have to explain why I have changed my name because I won’t be changing my name. I have a number of reasons for this and I have been clear and consistent about this on the thread.

As someone has said above it’s more the emotional reaction. It has been useful to talk about.

Is this really about the name at all? Or is it about your relationship with your parents? You said (I paraphrase) that they made a joke out of your name. And you said in another place that when your surname changed the joke didn't make sense. Is this something that seems clever for a nanosecond whilst drunk, that no decent person would actually call their child? Like Olive Groves, Dwayne Pipes etc? Because if so, then yes, in your position I would be mightily pissed off that my parents had done that to me, making a joke of my name and my future. And changing the name wouldn't eradicate the anger and the hurt. But it might possibly trigger you less often.

@Nameproblemsagain

I won’t have to explain why I have changed my name because I won’t be changing my name. I have a number of reasons for this and I have been clear and consistent about this on the thread.

As someone has said above it’s more the emotional reaction. It has been useful to talk about.

You're having an emotional reaction to something you can fix but chose not to.

It's like me breaking my leg, and not getting it put in plaster because I won't be able to wear my high heels. So what if it hurts, and will cause me long term damage, I want to wear my high heels and complain about the pain and deformity.

But you would never have to explain it.

You change it. You update all your records. No one asks why.

Very very occasionally, you may need to put it on a job application but that's what... maybe once every 5 years?

You would never have to explain it.

Right now, you do. You need to give your legal name and then you need to ask people to call you by your middle name and then you need to remind people. Then you still encounter every day situations like the bank where they dont know at all.

It never ends. You need to explain it every time. You feel under attack every time a name is needed.

And that's the problem. The constant battle. The constant reminder. The inconvenience.

All of that goes away when you change it and spend a day dealing with paperwork to update everything.

No one is going to ask you why. You wont encounter these conversations ever again. It's just done with.

You get the name you want. The name you feel is yours. And you dont need to discuss it again.

You get to move on.

You've got a bad taste in your mouth and you're choosing to hold it there and constantly swallow it back. Just spit it out.

I have a very generic traditional name but have always referred to my shortened throughout my whole life …I actually get really angry and annoyed if I am referred to original name ! So I do understand your annoyance…names are so personal and defining.

This thread is so confusing and infuriating all at the same time! 😂
If that's your legal name and you hate it that much, change it.
If not, you'll have to just learn to live with it.
Of course banks are going to deal with you as your legal name.
One they have to, two they're not mind readers.
Not sure what posters on here can advise if you're adamant it's too much hassle to change?

Now I am married the first name has lost its “humour” so it’s just a bit strange.
I'm intrigued though lol
You keep saying they found it funny.
It's a joke.
Now wondering what it could be
Annette Curtain?
Theresa Green?!
Lydia Bin?!

To be fair to the posters getting frustrated at you not wanting to change your name when it seems like an obvious solution, your initial posts do sound angry and emotional. You’ve clearly calmed down a bit.

I’m assuming it’s something like Mr and Mrs Houston called their daughter Whitney Jane?

I’m not going to try and convince you to change your name. But I do find it really interesting that you’d rather stay in this situation which causes you so much angst rather than avail yourself of the straightforward legal fix available to you. Any idea why that is?