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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to prefer friend not to bring baby every time?

156 replies

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:00

Hello,

My friend had her first baby and he is now a year old. I live 5 hours away so see her once every 2-3 months along with some other girls in our group, one of whom also has to travel for meet ups from London.

The friends baby is very cute and it's nice to see him but is it unreasonable for her to bring him every time? It affects our meet ups I.e we go to child friendly places and children's parks rather than bars or cinema. When it was forecast rain she suggested we spend our Saturday at the soft play which I really did not want to travel up to do. Her husband is great and very supportive and hands on and so is her family so I believe she brings him because she thinks we want him there every time rather than no option. I would rather just visit her and her husband with my husband at their house to see the baby though rather than she bring him to girls dates. I don't have kids so hard hat at the ready that I may be very unreasonable and need to expect this for the next 10 years?

OP posts:

JellyBunny · 12/04/2022 15:04

How do the other girls feel? If you all feel that way I think it's reasonable to say you'd rather not have to go to baby friendly places (going to a soft play is a bit rubbish if she's the only one with a child) or even prefer her to come out alone and then it's up to her whether she does that or just sits it out. I have a young baby and have not been out with friends without the baby as I don't really want to but if it was an issue for other people or they were going to non baby friendly places then I just wouldn't go.

Lime37 · 12/04/2022 15:04

Just suggest dinner or drinks for next meet up. Your friend seems a little dense tho. What adult wants to sit in soft play. Especially with no children

JellyBunny · 12/04/2022 15:06

Yes I should say I have done lunches and walks. If it was drinks or dinner I wouldn't be able to take the baby so wouldn't go unless I really wanted to and DH could look after baby.

fourandnomore · 12/04/2022 15:07

There’s no way I would be meeting at a soft play with my adult female friends just because one of them brought a child along and I’ve got 4 kids so have nothing against soft plays! Yanbu. Maybe just say is there any way we could meet just us girls this time as it would be nice to go for a nice lunch/afternoon tea? Suggest something clearly not child friendly if you don’t feel like you could say directly. Alternatively could you just say as much as it is lovely to see the baby you really miss seeing her on her own without distractions and it would be lovely to do something grown up now restrictions are loosened. Maybe then it will click. Really hard to navigate though, I feel for you.

gamerchick · 12/04/2022 15:07

Suggest a game of bingo and some grub with a few pints. No kids allowed there. I did that a few times with my clingy to their kids pals. They enjoyed the kid free time in the end.

merryhouse · 12/04/2022 15:07

Your only option is to suggest a non-child-friendly place for your next meet-up (eg film followed by meal in a pub).

Try to be tactful if she says "but don't you want to see the World's Best Ever Baby?"

fourandnomore · 12/04/2022 15:09

Oh and there is no reason you can’t bring a baby/toddler to a lunch or whatever, I’ve done that plenty of times but did ask if they minded as there wasn’t another option - and have left them with my dh at weekends when I have wanted to go out alone, depends what she’d comfortable with at this stage too of course.

WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow · 12/04/2022 15:10

A few practical considerations for you op

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+.

Schedules may mean that dad isn't free for childcare at the same time as mum.

New parents may be down to one wage so soft play likely more affordable than cocktails with the girls(also see above breastfeeding)

She may not want to leave her baby. She may want to equally, but that'll be her own choice and may clash with your preferences.

Bottom line is, her life has changed, so you should expect your friendship dynamic to. She may want a few hours away from baby, so it's not unreasonable to let her know that's ok, but if you value seeing her then the baby is a bit of a package deal.

I don't think it's unreasonable exactly, but a bit unrealistic.

KosherDill · 12/04/2022 15:11

Can you do the next meetup with just the other girls, and if the baby one gets wind of it, just say "We all wanted to do an adult activity this time, and couldn't accommodate Baby." She might get the message that way.

girlmom21 · 12/04/2022 15:12

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+.

A breastfed 1 year old can cope without breast milk.

OP just ask if she wants to go on a night out or cinema or whatever.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/04/2022 15:12

I agree about suggesting places that aren’t child friendly. If she mentions soft play again just tell her that you’ll time will come go suffer through them and you aren’t going there unnecessarily in the meantime.

LittleOwl153 · 12/04/2022 15:12

Soft play is hell on earth when you take the kids... no way would I be putting up with it for a girls meet up when I don't have/take the kids!

There was a post on this a little while back I recall... might be worth finding.

For me I would be proposing the next meet up with shall we come up on x date? I'd like to see the new X movie at the cinema / Y at the theatre in x. Shall we do dinner before hand? If she objects you know there is a baby problem. However he's a year old. Even if he is still breastfeeding he is not dependant on her in the way a newborn is so there is no reason he has to come along if she has other options. Personally I would find it tedious.

lemongreentea · 12/04/2022 15:12

I agree OP. Tell her its adults only next time.

dollydimple123 · 12/04/2022 15:15

@WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow

A few practical considerations for you op

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+.

Schedules may mean that dad isn't free for childcare at the same time as mum.

New parents may be down to one wage so soft play likely more affordable than cocktails with the girls(also see above breastfeeding)

She may not want to leave her baby. She may want to equally, but that'll be her own choice and may clash with your preferences.

I don't think it's unreasonable exactly, but a bit unrealistic.

Exactly this

FairyCakeWings · 12/04/2022 15:16

Even if she’s breastfeeding, the baby is a year old so doesn’t need her there all the time.

I’d nicely suggest the next meet up be adult only. She might chose her baby I’ve rather get together, but at least the rest of you would be able to have a good time.

Original poster

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:16

Sorry forgot to mention that she isn't breastfeeding but of course leaving him with someone does depend on her family/husbands schedule. She is back at work 3 days per week.

It's tricky for sure and perhaps requires me to just accept the new situation.

OP posts:

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 12/04/2022 15:16

I have 6 children and i don't think you're being unreasonable. A baby changes the whole dynamic and why would she think child free friends would want to spend a Saturday in a soft play centre. I hear most parents complaining about disliking soft play I think the girls in the group could suggest visiting her to see her baby and keep most group meet ups as child free so you can enjoy adult time.

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 15:17

Sometimes if you are the only mum to a little one you either miss out on social things or leave child for a few hours. It’s really unfair on all the other adults to have to do a child friendly meet up every time. I missed several events with my largely child free friendship group but now my DC are much older I’m back into it. Having done my time I would be irritated if a friend insisted on bringing baby the every meet up.

DogsAndGin · 12/04/2022 15:17

No chance I’d be going to a soft play! She needs to get a grip and let DH father his child every now and again. YANBU

Original poster

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:18

Although I agree soft play is a red line for me

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 12/04/2022 15:18

Don’t accept it. I’d be deeply unhappy about it, to the point of not inviting her any more.

AlandAnna · 12/04/2022 15:20

It’s 5 hours away - I’d say if she wanted to / could leave her baby behind, she would.
I think YABU. If it bothers you that much, don’t invite her.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/04/2022 15:21

I barely even took my own dc to soft play as I detest them so no way would I be going with someone else's kid!

Just say something along the lines of " would be great to have a proper girls/adults night out so shall we go for cocktails/a nice (un child friendly) meal and drinks?"

Brefugee · 12/04/2022 15:21

I'd be really annoyed. I'd suggest a few places - non child friendly - for you all to meet up and leave the ball in her court. How many of you are there that meet up? how about you take it in turns to suggest a place?

I'd rather chew my own legs off than set foot in a soft play.

Original poster

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:22

@AlandAnna

It’s 5 hours away - I’d say if she wanted to / could leave her baby behind, she would. I think YABU. If it bothers you that much, don’t invite her.

To be clear I am the one travelling 5 hours.

OP posts:

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