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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to prefer friend not to bring baby every time?

156 replies

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:00

Hello,

My friend had her first baby and he is now a year old. I live 5 hours away so see her once every 2-3 months along with some other girls in our group, one of whom also has to travel for meet ups from London.

The friends baby is very cute and it's nice to see him but is it unreasonable for her to bring him every time? It affects our meet ups I.e we go to child friendly places and children's parks rather than bars or cinema. When it was forecast rain she suggested we spend our Saturday at the soft play which I really did not want to travel up to do. Her husband is great and very supportive and hands on and so is her family so I believe she brings him because she thinks we want him there every time rather than no option. I would rather just visit her and her husband with my husband at their house to see the baby though rather than she bring him to girls dates. I don't have kids so hard hat at the ready that I may be very unreasonable and need to expect this for the next 10 years?

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 12/04/2022 17:47

I’ve got a child and another on the way, I have always carved out time to socialise with my friends for non child-friendly get togethers, I actively want that for myself.

She has to accept her life has changed, you don’t. I have a friend who never leaves the children and that’s fine we find occasions for those sort of get togethers but we also arrange non-child friendly events which we invite her to but invariably she declines.

I’d just suggest how lovely it would be to do a girly late one at a nice bar you’ve been meaning to try out or something of the equivalent, if she’s receptive great if not then you know that it’s going to be something to do with other friends…

Giraffesandbottoms · 12/04/2022 17:48

Also I am a parent as I said but I get annoyed if friends want to bring their children to clearly adult meet ups. If I’m leaving my children, I am doing it for child free time, not to spend time with theirs!

monster101 · 12/04/2022 17:50

Tough call.
I have a friend who who can't leave her almost 3 year old at home because her husband is just a massive waste of space. I've learned to accept it.
I have children too and I still leave them at home so it's still a break away from kids in many ways for me. But I wouldn't sit in soft play if I didn't have kids with me if she paid me.

spotcheck · 12/04/2022 17:57

@WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow

A few practical considerations for you op

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+.

Schedules may mean that dad isn't free for childcare at the same time as mum.

New parents may be down to one wage so soft play likely more affordable than cocktails with the girls(also see above breastfeeding)

She may not want to leave her baby. She may want to equally, but that'll be her own choice and may clash with your preferences.

Bottom line is, her life has changed, so you should expect your friendship dynamic to. She may want a few hours away from baby, so it's not unreasonable to let her know that's ok, but if you value seeing her then the baby is a bit of a package deal.

I don't think it's unreasonable exactly, but a bit unrealistic.

If that mum doesn't want a few hours away from her baby, SAY NO!! Don't expect everyone else ( IE the majority) to go to hell on earth places like soft play.

If money is an issue, then again say so. Money issues does not mean all your friends go with you to soft play.

Her husband may not be available. OP said family is supportive. Or you find a time when husband is available. It does not mean that you suggest get togethers take place at ( you guessed it) soft play.

Horrible places. Can't believe she asked!!!

RewildingAmbridge · 12/04/2022 17:59

I have a group of close friends, 8 of us been friends since uni but now live all over the country so can only meet up occasionally, only two of us have children (both 3yo). Sweetly they always say oh let's do something DC friendly, and I and the other mum always say, good God no, let's do something that involves drinks and raucous conversation DC can stay with dads. If there are family type events, weddings, BBQs at home etc dc are fine but a friend catch up is an adult affair.

She's really self absorbed if she thinks it's ok for you all to travel that far for broken conversation and soft play!

Mamabananananana · 12/04/2022 18:03

I went all manner of places with my friends DC but NEVER the soft play
Just say " we are going for dinner and drinks on XX if you can make it , its at insert obvious adult bar

SScoobiedoo · 12/04/2022 18:11

She must be the first of the group to have a baby and you all think that it's the norm to fit socialising around baby when in fact it is absolutely not.
Mothers want days out without the sprogs! Especially as they are usually few and far between.
Soft play is an adult torture imv as a grumpy grandma!

DogsNotMen · 12/04/2022 18:17

I think I’d be so tempted to reply to the soft play message something like

“How about we rearrange to a day when Frank can have Baby Frank. That way we can have a proper catch up and go where the mood takes us. I don’t think we will be able to have much conversation in a soft play” you could always use the price of fuel as a way of wanting to have real adult time with her, as in if it continues you won’t be able to travel up as much so want to make the most of it

alexdgr8 · 12/04/2022 18:17

EisforEmergency, i don't see why your friend should have asked to see your son ?
nor do i think she avoids it because she regrets being childless.
maybe she doesn't feel the need to meet a child.
most people are just polite and pretend to be interested in others' children, but really are not particularly.
some parents, esp mothers, do like to meet and natter about their children, but why would a non-parent be interested in doing that.
she met you before you had children, and relates to you as you, original you, not in relation to children.
i'm not being rude, but what seems obvious and natural to me, was just dismissed by your post.
so i wanted to put the other side.

EisforEmergency · 12/04/2022 18:20

@SecretVictoria just to clarify…….I don’t think my friend is desperate to spend time with my DC (by virtue of the fact that over 11 years she’s met one child once I think it’s pretty clear she has NO desire to spend any time with either of them), I’m just disappointed that she doesn’t even want to meet them. I think that the fact that over said 11 years- 9 of which I’ve lived a 4 hour round trip away-I’ve organized childcare so she doesn’t need to cast eyes on my children is test amount to my wish not to inflict my children on her.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 12/04/2022 18:22

I’m just a bit upset that she’s never mentioned meeting my 2nd child ……and now that I think about it she’s only met my husband at our wedding!!

I’m single & late 40s, childfree by choice. I’m happy to say hello to a friend’s partner or kids if I see them with her, and I’ll ask after them, but I’m afraid it would never occur to me to actively ask to meet them. Im not friends with them.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 12/04/2022 18:22

Not being unreasonable at all, but I think you're going to have to be a little bit more explicit - "dinner and drinks" for example.

I'm a Mum of two and we have a birthday party at the soft play coming up on Saturday and I'm already psyching myself up for it Blush God forsaken place Grin

EisforEmergency · 12/04/2022 18:27

@EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn but would you actively choose places to go that weren’t child friendly? Would you also assume that over 11 years someone with DC could sort childcare so they could meet you without their pre school age children? I didn’t have DC until I was mid 30s. I met plenty of friends with their children because that’s what worked for them. I totally understood that I could be more flexible than they were. Fortunately it never included soft play.

MarceyMc · 12/04/2022 18:41

Omg, one of my friends recently tried to organise a meet up with one our friends who doesn't have DC at a soft play and I had to veto it. I don't want to go to the soft with my own DC at the best of times so why on earth she thought our friend would want to spend her Saturday there is beyond me. YANBU!

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 12/04/2022 18:43

[quote EisforEmergency]@EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn but would you actively choose places to go that weren’t child friendly? Would you also assume that over 11 years someone with DC could sort childcare so they could meet you without their pre school age children? I didn’t have DC until I was mid 30s. I met plenty of friends with their children because that’s what worked for them. I totally understood that I could be more flexible than they were. Fortunately it never included soft play.[/quote]
Well, if it was easier for them. Although I work full time so if they don’t, I’m more likely to offer to take a day off & meet them while the child’s at school.

hattie43 · 12/04/2022 19:05

@Lime37

Just suggest dinner or drinks for next meet up. Your friend seems a little dense tho. What adult wants to sit in soft play. Especially with no children
This
HollaHolla · 12/04/2022 19:15

There’s always one…. I have a friend who was like this. She actually changed our lunch booking once, to somewhere she could bring her baby. We started just saying ‘oh, if you can’t get childcare for Tinkerbelle, we’ll see you next time, no worries.’ Everyone brought their kids sometimes - and sometimes we even planned kids activities - but it was getting on the nerves of the girls who went to the lengths of organising shifts/childcare/handovers.
I love my friends kids, but I love my friends more. They are the ones I consistently want to spend time with. I am childless (wasn’t able to have them) and I actively found it really painful to sometimes be around all of them, when it was something I do desperately wanted. I do recognise I went a bit crazy.. but most of them were really understanding. You think that your friend might not have thought some/any of these issues?

switswooo · 12/04/2022 19:24

She is being spectacularly selfish to suggest these things when you’re travelling 5 hours.

Stop accommodating her.

RantyAunty · 13/04/2022 02:37

There is no way I'd drive 5 hours to sit in soft play, parks, zoos, whatever and listen to kids screaming.
If she doesn't get the message about it being adult time, I just wouldn't visit anymore for awhile.

KosherDill · 13/04/2022 03:21

@EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn

I’m just a bit upset that she’s never mentioned meeting my 2nd child ……and now that I think about it she’s only met my husband at our wedding!!

I’m single & late 40s, childfree by choice. I’m happy to say hello to a friend’s partner or kids if I see them with her, and I’ll ask after them, but I’m afraid it would never occur to me to actively ask to meet them. Im not friends with them.

Exactly.

Sickofnosleep · 13/04/2022 03:35

@Svara

I wouldn't expect to have to go to children's places with an under two. DS fit in anywhere at that age. It was more the two to 7 age range when he was best at a cafe next to a playground or other child friendly sort of set up for longer periods.
Under one maybe, under two? Not in my experience!
Svara · 13/04/2022 07:03

@Sickofnosleep
Maybe I was just lucky that DS was happy to share my food and look at books during lunch. Then in a sling for a walk afterwards. I'm a lone parent so he'd always just had to go along with me whatever I was doing.

MRex · 13/04/2022 07:26

Soft play is a silly suggestion; it's hard to see what's wrong with a park walk after lunch though and sounds like you just picked some bad cafes.

I'm sure you're well aware that babies grow up, so this is a short-term situation. If you aren't able to make short-term compromises on a meet-up every few months due to babies, then she isn't really a good friend so there isn't much point over-thinking it. Just set up whatever activity you want to do and say no to the park or whatever you don't want to do; explain you don't want the noise of whatever child friendly cafe (I can't envisage what you're picking, nor why you can't take a 1 year old to any restaurant / pub). If the plan doesn't suit because she can't leave the baby or doesn't want to, then she won't come and can make her own evaluation of the friendships value.

GoodSoup · 13/04/2022 07:48

Babies do grow up, but then potentially she’ll have number two and be bringing them along!

NewName9273 · 13/04/2022 08:06

@Lime37

Just suggest dinner or drinks for next meet up. Your friend seems a little dense tho. What adult wants to sit in soft play. Especially with no children
This.

Majority of parents find soft plays absolute hell,