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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to prefer friend not to bring baby every time?

156 replies

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:00

Hello,

My friend had her first baby and he is now a year old. I live 5 hours away so see her once every 2-3 months along with some other girls in our group, one of whom also has to travel for meet ups from London.

The friends baby is very cute and it's nice to see him but is it unreasonable for her to bring him every time? It affects our meet ups I.e we go to child friendly places and children's parks rather than bars or cinema. When it was forecast rain she suggested we spend our Saturday at the soft play which I really did not want to travel up to do. Her husband is great and very supportive and hands on and so is her family so I believe she brings him because she thinks we want him there every time rather than no option. I would rather just visit her and her husband with my husband at their house to see the baby though rather than she bring him to girls dates. I don't have kids so hard hat at the ready that I may be very unreasonable and need to expect this for the next 10 years?

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 12/04/2022 15:50

@KosherDill

Can you do the next meetup with just the other girls, and if the baby one gets wind of it, just say "We all wanted to do an adult activity this time, and couldn't accommodate Baby." She might get the message that way.
Brutal. Instead of hoping she “gets the message” by not inviting her, why not actually give the message by asking if she can leave the baby at home.

Can you suggest something clearly adults only - bottomless brunch??

YANBU btw - I have a one year old and definitely wouldn’t expect a friend to travel 5 hours to go to soft play.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2022 15:50

I have three, I imagine it would get quite tedious if I insisted they had to come along every time.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to say "when I come up in May, shall we pick a date Derek can look after Nooah and then we can try that new bar on Pissed Street?

AffIt · 12/04/2022 15:50

maybe it’s just to painful to meet up with friends DC as it reminds her of what she doesn’t have, or perhaps she is quite happy with her status quo

Or perhaps she doesn't particularly like children and would prefer to spend time with her actual adult friends?

OP, I hear you: I am childfree by choice, and although I do appreciate and embrace the changes in my childed friends' lives, I'm afraid I'd draw the line at a fucking softplay, too.

The next invite is a proper adults' get-together: dinner, drinks, theatre whatever. Be generous in arranging dates to suit your friend's schedule in terms of arranging childcare, but if it becomes obvious that it's all about the baby, I'd nope out of that.

ThreeRingCircus · 12/04/2022 15:51

I would just suggest something that isn't child friendly for your next meet up. Cinema, dinner at a nice restaurant, bottomless brunch.....whatever. If she can make it, great and if not, just go with the others. I wouldn't go behind her back and I think it's fair enough that she brings her baby sometimes but also fair enough that you want to do some grown up things too.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 12/04/2022 15:52

No way I will go to soft play, I'm a parent and I hate them 😂 I would suggest something adults only, just saying it would be nice to do it adults only this time. If she doesn't want to leave her child, then that's her choice not to go. It's not unreasonable for people to want time with their adult friends, without kids.

incognitoforthisone · 12/04/2022 15:52

For me, it wouldn't be so much that she wants to bring her child every time, but more that she wants the catch-ups to be actively planned around it. A lunch where the baby is sitting in a high chair chomping on a breadstick? Fine. Soft play? Not fine.

AffIt · 12/04/2022 15:53

@2DogsOnMySofa

Do your other friends want to go to bars and clubs? Sometimes you get to an age where you don't want to go to bars until the wee hours. If they do simply say to her that you're meeting in x place, but planning on going to a few bars and restaurants, it'll be a late one, so she might want to leave dc at home.
Again, what is with this weird assumption that childfree adults (or parents who choose to leave their children at home) then spend all their time whooping it up in nightclubs?

I'm (nearly) 43 - my clubbing days are behind me, but sometimes I DO like to spend time with other adults, and other adults alone.

Original poster
User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:54

@incognitoforthisone

For me, it wouldn't be so much that she wants to bring her child every time, but more that she wants the catch-ups to be actively planned around it. A lunch where the baby is sitting in a high chair chomping on a breadstick? Fine. Soft play? Not fine.
Would you class children's parks in this? She has already said to let her know when we can go to the park again.
OP posts:
Triffid1 · 12/04/2022 15:57

I think your friend is being completely unreasonable. Either she is so blinkered she thinks your'e travelling 5 hours to see her 1 year old run around in the sand pit, or her DH isn't as nice and accommodating as you think he is and she has no choice.

Hopefully it's the former, exacerbated by the fact that when he was smaller she probably couldn't be away from him.

Next time you're arranging it, it's a friendly message in the group chat along lines of, "right girls, can't wait to see everyone. Why don't we plan to meet somewhere a bit fancier this time and have a few drinks and a nice meal? Friend - is there a day that's easier for you to leave DC with DH?"

Or... if you want to be extra nice, suggest meeting up at hers first for coffee and to see the baby and then heading out.

CloudPop · 12/04/2022 15:58

Soft play 😳 that's way over the line

Lou98 · 12/04/2022 16:01

@KosherDill

Can you do the next meetup with just the other girls, and if the baby one gets wind of it, just say "We all wanted to do an adult activity this time, and couldn't accommodate Baby." She might get the message that way.

What a nasty thing to do to a friend!

It's fair enough to meet up just with the others if they've said to the friend with the baby that they want to do 'x' this time which obviously isn't baby friendly and she then doesn't want to come but to purposely not even tell her about the meet up, when none of them have actually made her aware they want to meet up without baby, just to hope she gets a message that nobody actually told her, is horrible.

MaChienEstUnDick · 12/04/2022 16:02

@SleepingStandingUp

I have three, I imagine it would get quite tedious if I insisted they had to come along every time. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say "when I come up in May, shall we pick a date Derek can look after Nooah and then we can try that new bar on Pissed Street?
This is a nice way of putting it.

The park??? I mean, c'mon, 5 hours travel to sit in the park, has she taken leave of her senses?

CounsellorTroi · 12/04/2022 16:05

Again, what is with this weird assumption that childfree adults (or parents who choose to leave their children at home) then spend all their time whooping it up in nightclubs?

I'm (nearly) 43 - my clubbing days are behind me, but sometimes I DO like to spend time with other adults, and other adults alone.

Exactly this.

Frenchie8690 · 12/04/2022 16:06

Why don't you pick something where she can't bring the baby? E.g. bottomless brunch, Go Ape, champagne afternoon tea somewhere fancy etc

RBKB · 12/04/2022 16:06

YANBU. Children are dull. I have children, I loved them, but to others, they were dull, and adult time is really really important. Say (because it's actually true) that you want her to enjoy some pamper child-free time...and suggest adult activities. Do this twice or 3 times and she will see it as the normal routine!!! And be better for it, so don't feel guilty!!

NumberTheory · 12/04/2022 16:07

I see your dilemma, OP. You don’t actually want to do an activity where it would be impossible to take a baby, so you’re going to have to actually say, effectively, “Sorry, but I don’t want your baby with us.” Which feels rude.

But I think you can avoid that sort of wording and still get the message across. Something like, “It’s brilliant seeing [littleFriend], but It does feel like we hardly get to talk at these child friendly places. Any chance we could meet up at [Friend]’s place to say hi to [littleFriend] and then head off to an adults only lunch at [trendy bistro]”? Or whatever logistics would work (only suggest the meet up first if you’re going to be happy doing that every time).

I think you need to sound out some of the others first to see how much support there is for this approach, but YANBU to want it.

Tillerman · 12/04/2022 16:09

Gosh, soft play is Hell and there’s no way I’d inflict this on my child free friends! She should be leaving her toddler at home with Dad, he isn’t a baby anymore.

Crudger · 12/04/2022 16:09

What’s wrong with saying on the group chat ‘I fancy a few wines in London soon. Anyone fancy trying xxx bar? Friend, we can plan it on a date that husband is free to look after baby?’ … to test the water?

If she doesn’t want to leave baby then plan something baby friendly for daytime and go to a bar/restaurant with the others in the evening

NumberTheory · 12/04/2022 16:11

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+..

As well as ignoring the fact that at two even breastfeeding children don’t need to be catered to so attentively, it is just gaslightly. Hardly any UK children breastfeed to 2+. Rates of breastfeeding at even 12 months are well under 1%.

AlandAnna · 12/04/2022 16:13

I think she has no idea you want a child free catch up. I’d just tell her, sure it will be fine Cake

makinganavalon · 12/04/2022 16:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all esp considering you are the one travelling five hours.
But I would just talk to her. I didn't like leaving my baby at all right up until she was about two because she was breastfeeding to sleep still (my 'problem' not anyone elses I know!) And I just felt she was so tiny and because of lockdown etc so out of practise at being with many other people. But now she's older stopped breastfeeding, nursery etc I'm desperate to get out for an evening! So maybe she just needs time?
But I would definitely talk to her, explain how you feel about it etc Flowers

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/04/2022 16:16

You're travelling five hours to sit in a park??

She probably thinks you adore the baby and she's giving you a real treat by bringing him along, so next time you call make sure it's clearly a non-baby event.Like someone said above, a film and a meal after, or a cocktail bar.

Does her husband take the baby out alone? Only reason I ask is was because my ex framed himself as a hands-on father, but behind closed doors he threw tantrums about being expected to "babysit" if I went out, most of his Great Dad act was to mop up praise while other people were present. Of course in this case, it could literally be that she really thinks that you're all dying to spend time with her baby. Just gently hint that he's not invited next time, pick more adult activities.

thisplaceisweird · 12/04/2022 16:21

Could you just maybe give options...

Let's do a grown up lunch at X place just us, or if you don't want to be away from baby, I will visit you and your husband with my husband at your house to see the baby

gamerchick · 12/04/2022 16:21

@NumberTheory

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+..

As well as ignoring the fact that at two even breastfeeding children don’t need to be catered to so attentively, it is just gaslightly. Hardly any UK children breastfeed to 2+. Rates of breastfeeding at even 12 months are well under 1%.

I fed to 3 1/2 and even I think it's ridiculous that a 1 yr old can't be left. It's moot though as the kid in question isn't breastfed.

Just ask for an adult only meet up OP. Say you really fancy letting your hair down.

JellyBunny · 12/04/2022 16:26

Your friend sounds quite self centred to expect you to all meet up at a soft play or a park when you've travelled 5 hours.

I think you need to let her know you want to do something a bit nicer or "can we go to new nice (not family friendly) restaurant next time I come up?" Even "will John look after Freddie?"