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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to prefer friend not to bring baby every time?

156 replies

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:00

Hello,

My friend had her first baby and he is now a year old. I live 5 hours away so see her once every 2-3 months along with some other girls in our group, one of whom also has to travel for meet ups from London.

The friends baby is very cute and it's nice to see him but is it unreasonable for her to bring him every time? It affects our meet ups I.e we go to child friendly places and children's parks rather than bars or cinema. When it was forecast rain she suggested we spend our Saturday at the soft play which I really did not want to travel up to do. Her husband is great and very supportive and hands on and so is her family so I believe she brings him because she thinks we want him there every time rather than no option. I would rather just visit her and her husband with my husband at their house to see the baby though rather than she bring him to girls dates. I don't have kids so hard hat at the ready that I may be very unreasonable and need to expect this for the next 10 years?

OP posts:

User48751490 · 12/04/2022 16:52

I don't blame you for being annoyed. I have lots of DC but even I can see the problem with this arrangement.

ancientgran · 12/04/2022 16:54

@girlmom21

A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+.

A breastfed 1 year old can cope without breast milk.

OP just ask if she wants to go on a night out or cinema or whatever.

Absolutely, I fed one of mine for 3 years and I was back at work after maternity leave.

bringincrazyback · 12/04/2022 16:58

@EisforEmergency

I have thr opposite OP. My DC are 10 and 8. My friend has met the eldest and never met the youngest. Until 2 years ago we lived 2 hours away. Now we live about 15 minutes away. She still hasnt met DS. Honestly, there is NOTHING enjoyable or relaxing for me taking DC to a cafe…from about the age of 1. If I want to know what’s going on in my friends life I arrange childcare. I’m a bit disappointed now that we live close and the DC are at school we haven’t met up more, and I’m really sad that meeting my DS clearly hasn’t registered on her radar….but she is mid 40s and single….maybe it’s just to painful to meet up with friends DC as it reminds her of what she doesn’t have, or perhaps she is quite happy with her status quo….I’m not sure how it would have panned out if I’d insisted on bringing my kids every time. I suspect we wouldn’t be friends.

Do you know for a fact that your friend actually wants/wanted DC?

jampim · 12/04/2022 16:58

Why can't you go out for lunch? My friends have often brought their toddler to lunches.

Could one of you suggest a lunch instead of her always suggesting parks or soft play?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 12/04/2022 17:03

@jampim

Why can't you go out for lunch? My friends have often brought their toddler to lunches.

Could one of you suggest a lunch instead of her always suggesting parks or soft play?

It's nice in theory but having been there, done that, you end up somewhere like Giraffe which might as well be soft play.

OP I think you need to stop letting her dictate what you do when you all meet up. As PP's have said, take the initiative and find somewhere/something that is definitely not child-friendly. If she values your friendship she'll find childcare.

Jaxhog · 12/04/2022 17:04

@gamerchick

Suggest a game of bingo and some grub with a few pints. No kids allowed there. I did that a few times with my clingy to their kids pals. They enjoyed the kid free time in the end.

I'd rather do soft play!!

Seriously though, the suggestion for an evening out together in a nice restaurant seems a better suggestion.

HailAdrian · 12/04/2022 17:04

Who on earth thinks it's appropriate to suggest child free adults meet at soft play? That's so boring.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/04/2022 17:07

Have you just arranged to meet and left the venue to the last minute or have you said "Hi girls, I was thinking that next time we meet up together we might head to X for some drinks and then go to Y for some food after? Who is up for that?" See if she comes back with a response saying "Oh that sounds wonderful. Can I bring Baby along too?" or "Oh that sounds wonderful. It'll be great to get away from the demands of motherhood for a few hours" or "Sorry guys, I can't make it this time as I have no one to look after Baby"

See what happens.

SarahBellam · 12/04/2022 17:12

@12yearsinazkaban

it's a bit sad. I lost all of My friends when I had a baby because I couldn't see them without the baby (no matter how hands on the dad is, you don't know if he is or if she says he is or he acts like that around others to keep up the facade)

if she's a good friend don't drop her and definitely do t tell her you don't wanna see her with her child! especially not this early.
give it a year or 2 and she will cone alone, don't worry!

I think you have bigger problems if you couldn’t trust your partner with his own child.

EisforEmergency · 12/04/2022 17:13

@bringincrazyback and @LuckySantangelo35

I don’t know how much she wanted children….but either way she is totally uninterested in getting to know mine, which I find a little sad. I’m not saying that every meet up should involve my children (I would rather it didn’t!), but I do find it a little sad that she hasn’t even met my 8 yo, and never expressed a wish to. Honestly, at less than a year old all she has to do is coo for 5 minutes and say he’s cute/ugly/average and get on with the rest of her life- it’s infinitely less arduous than going to soft play/a playground/the zoo for and hours/morning/day. I totally get not wanting to spend time with loved up newly weds or mothers….but not having met an 8 yo????

Original poster

User727568 · 12/04/2022 17:13

@jampim

Why can't you go out for lunch? My friends have often brought their toddler to lunches.

Could one of you suggest a lunch instead of her always suggesting parks or soft play?

It's starts as lunch but as we meet for several hours it moves on to for example a park. The soft play was a suggestion when it was forecast rain but thankfully it didn't end up raining!!

OP posts:

Robin843 · 12/04/2022 17:16

I do think a lot of new parents assume everyone is as enamoured with their children as they are and really keen to see them. Your friend probably thinks you love the opportunity to see her little one, because why wouldn't you?! So I think you will have to tactfully suggest a grown up only event.

My DC are adults now but I have a friend with a 4 Yr old. I make a fuss over him but I don't particularly enjoy getting together when he's with his mum as he's very loud and disruptive and we can't have a conversation. When he was about 2 she texted me one day to ask did I want to join them at soft play that morning. I just stared at my phone, then started saying out loud to myself "Why?! Why would I?!" I was very honest and said I'd served my time at soft play and wild horses couldn't drag me back there. I now have grandchildren so have reluctantly become reacquainted with the dreaded soft play, but I only do it for love.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2022 17:16

@jampim

Why can't you go out for lunch? My friends have often brought their toddler to lunches.

Could one of you suggest a lunch instead of her always suggesting parks or soft play?

Why on earth would the others want a toddler there in a café when they are trying to have a proper talk?

mycatisannoying · 12/04/2022 17:20

My God, how could she have such little self-awareness?! Soft play, my arse. YANBU.

BowerOfBramble · 12/04/2022 17:26

Parents are soooo different on this aren't they. One friend of mine is never really separated from her kids and if I went to stay with them for the weekend oop north her husband would make himself scarce and I'd be stuck with softplay/park/kids swimming hell. Another friend I recently asked if she wanted our meetup to include SmallChild1 and she basically replied "why the f would I want that?" and came and met me for dinner at the pub

In the case of the first one the tactic I used was "It's always so lovely visiting and seeing the kids, but I feel like we never get a chance to properly chat any more! Is there any chance that our next meetup can be just us girls? Got so much life stuff to catch up on. When can Dave have the kids?"

She was quite mortifiedwhen she realised, I think. Not that she needed to be.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 17:28

@EisforEmergency

“I don’t know how much she wanted children”

Maybe she didn’t want them at all!

Giraffesandbottoms · 12/04/2022 17:28

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I breastfed the first for 3 years and still breastfeeding the other. I’m a very attachment parent type parent and feed/cuddle to sleep etc but this is fucking absurd!

Either she comes for a grown up lunch without child if she doesn’t want to leave during the night, or she’s fine to leave for an evening and comes for dinner. I would never; ever expect my childless friends to tag along to activities with my children and I think you’ve been more than tolerant. Does she not want time alone?! I would understand if she were a single parent and had no childcare but that’s not the case here.

I barely want to be in softplay and I have children 😀

Giraffesandbottoms · 12/04/2022 17:29

Also it’s literally impossible to have an actual discussion with children around.

BlueOverYellow · 12/04/2022 17:33

Invite her to a bar/club night out as a group. If she asks to change it so she can bring baby, tell her no, that's not what you want to do as a group of grown women, and she can either pass this time or leave the baby home with its father.

Svara · 12/04/2022 17:34

I wouldn't expect to have to go to children's places with an under two. DS fit in anywhere at that age. It was more the two to 7 age range when he was best at a cafe next to a playground or other child friendly sort of set up for longer periods.

fourandnomore · 12/04/2022 17:35

LuckySantangelo35 totally agree, but that comment was an addendum to my previous one - I didn’t mean comfortable with leaving with her baby with her husband I just meant comfortable leaving her baby at all - my previous comment was to say yanbu but the friend would always have the option to say no to an adults only place if they didn’t want to go.

fourandnomore · 12/04/2022 17:38

@ LuckySantangelo35 I’m sorry previous msg in reply to yours I’m rubbish at tagging obviously

EisforEmergency · 12/04/2022 17:46

@LuckySantangelo35 maybe she didn’t and I’m totally fine with that……I’m just a bit upset that she’s never mentioned meeting my 2nd child ……and now that I think about it she’s only met my husband at our wedding!! The DH is a bit of a side issue. There are 5 years of friendship where she has assumed I’ll sort childcare to suit her….and I have. She has Nephews and Nieces and works in education……she knows how it is.

Sceptre86 · 12/04/2022 17:46

Her life has changed doesn't mean everyone else's has to. Why not change the location of where you meet up, so sometimes they come to you or you go to London etc? If a friend travelled specifically to see me I'd arrange a day where I could be child free for a few hours. If she doesn't want to leave her baby that's her issue.

SecretVictoria · 12/04/2022 17:47

YANBU. I had (note the ‘had’) a friend like this. I think she was similar to @EisforEmergency and assumed that because I didn’t have kids, I was desperate to spend time with hers! Again, DH perfectly willing/capable but every bloody time she brought one or both.

The friendship has now drifted, sadly. Other reasons too, but I just didn’t want to spend my (quite infrequent and precious) days off around kids and parents.

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