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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to prefer friend not to bring baby every time?

156 replies

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:00

Hello,

My friend had her first baby and he is now a year old. I live 5 hours away so see her once every 2-3 months along with some other girls in our group, one of whom also has to travel for meet ups from London.

The friends baby is very cute and it's nice to see him but is it unreasonable for her to bring him every time? It affects our meet ups I.e we go to child friendly places and children's parks rather than bars or cinema. When it was forecast rain she suggested we spend our Saturday at the soft play which I really did not want to travel up to do. Her husband is great and very supportive and hands on and so is her family so I believe she brings him because she thinks we want him there every time rather than no option. I would rather just visit her and her husband with my husband at their house to see the baby though rather than she bring him to girls dates. I don't have kids so hard hat at the ready that I may be very unreasonable and need to expect this for the next 10 years?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 12/04/2022 16:27

It depends. I know parents who don’t like leaving their babies at a year old and parents who can’t wait to leave them and are happy to leave them with caregivers.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable especially with the distance to not want to meet at eg soft play centres.

I’d say to suggest an adult catch up but combine with a child friendly one too so she feels you’re on board with her baby.

I don’t have kids but even if I did have my own I’d have to have time away as that’s the kind of person I am, at least I think I’d be like that!

maddiemookins16mum · 12/04/2022 16:27

You’ll not get many supportive responses on here Op (especially the whole ‘she can’t leave her breasts behind comment).
YANBU - but, it won’t ever be the same anymore so it’s a case of compromise (albeit I believe by both parties).

Mrsmch123 · 12/04/2022 16:28

Next time you are planning to meet up say...ohhh we should arrange a meet up, I was thinking we could go to some bars. Then she can accept or decline as I appreciate its awkward to say ohhh don't bring your baby. There is nothing worse than having a kid running around when you don't have any🤦🏻‍♀️

RBKB · 12/04/2022 16:28

@maddiemookins16mum actually 99% are supporting the OP

AryaStarkWolf · 12/04/2022 16:31

I wouldn't fancy that either, a baby definitely changes the dynamic and stunts conversation. The baby ends up being almost the whole centre of everything and it's annoying. And yes I have kids or at least had kids they're adults/older teen now

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 16:32

@WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow

“A breastfeeding mother can't leave her breasts with dad. Many children breastfed to 2+.”

So you think a woman would be changed to the house in case her toddlers fancies a breast feed?!

Underfrighter · 12/04/2022 16:32

So rude if someone has travelled 5 hours, to expect them to go to soft play hell or the park. I can understand in terms of newborns, a parent might not want to leave them and the logistics of breastfeeding are tricky. But this baby is 1. Soon a toddler. They will be perfectly fine with their other parent for a short time. And a spirited 1 year old is not a newborn that feeds and sleeps and stays still and doesn't impact on everyone else, they will be running around and their mum won't be able to concentrate

tearinghairout · 12/04/2022 16:33

Soft play? Good grief. You've gone over and above. YANBU. The world doesn't revolve around her pfb.

Underfrighter · 12/04/2022 16:34

And I breastfed til 20 months with both mine and I would never have made my friends meet up at the park or soft play!

Cherrysoup · 12/04/2022 16:34

5 hours travelling to sit in soft play?! No fucking way! Can’t you suggest a grown ups only place? I’d be saying, very politely, that I don’t want to travel 5 hours to sit in a soft bloody play! That’s really selfish of her. If she doesn’t want to leave the baby, fine, but she can’t insist you all go to a baby friendly place. She should bow out, IMO.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/04/2022 16:35

I'd just message "next time you fancy a child free trip/day/evening, let me know, we can book dinner or try that new bar"

12yearsinazkaban · 12/04/2022 16:35

it's a bit sad. I lost all of My friends when I had a baby because I couldn't see them without the baby (no matter how hands on the dad is, you don't know if he is or if she says he is or he acts like that around others to keep up the facade)

if she's a good friend don't drop her and definitely do t tell her you don't wanna see her with her child! especially not this early.
give it a year or 2 and she will cone alone, don't worry!

WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow · 12/04/2022 16:36

Nope. Was just listing practical realities. Plenty of my friends breastfeed beyond one and we accommodate them.

You'll notice if you read my actual message I didn't think op unreasonable, just that a baby will likely mean a dynamic changes and a friendship group that wants to survive should be willing to adapt or accept that some things may not be practical for the time being.

Notinthemoodforthis · 12/04/2022 16:36

We were slowly squeezed out of our friends group when we had our 2 DDs, 18 months apart. They are now school age and a breeze and the friends who now have very small children want to meet up again, but this time we have decided that we are done being around nappies, crying and hiding to breastfeed. Don’t feel guilty at all after spending around 7 years in isolation.

RachelSq · 12/04/2022 16:37

Agree with most others - it’s not acceptable to propose soft play to non-parents as a meet up!

As others say, I’d make suggestions of adult only places. You can like her child without wanting everything to be centred around them!

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 16:38

@fourandnomore

Oh and there is no reason you can’t bring a baby/toddler to a lunch or whatever, I’ve done that plenty of times but did ask if they minded as there wasn’t another option - and have left them with my dh at weekends when I have wanted to go out alone, depends what she’d comfortable with at this stage too of course.
@fourandnomore

If she’s not comfortable leaving her baby with her husband then she shouldn’t have had a baby with him

Mariposista · 12/04/2022 16:38

Heck, no way! She is very self centred! Adults only like PP are saying. The fact she has a supportive husband means that this is all about her, and she has no thought for anyone else.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 16:39

@WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow

Nope. Was just listing practical realities. Plenty of my friends breastfeed beyond one and we accommodate them.

You'll notice if you read my actual message I didn't think op unreasonable, just that a baby will likely mean a dynamic changes and a friendship group that wants to survive should be willing to adapt or accept that some things may not be practical for the time being.

@WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow

Did that mean that you didnt go out at all without your children in case they fancied a breast feed?

Rockband · 12/04/2022 16:39

@12yearsinazkaban

it's a bit sad. I lost all of My friends when I had a baby because I couldn't see them without the baby (no matter how hands on the dad is, you don't know if he is or if she says he is or he acts like that around others to keep up the facade)

if she's a good friend don't drop her and definitely do t tell her you don't wanna see her with her child! especially not this early.
give it a year or 2 and she will cone alone, don't worry!

So for another year or two the op has to travel 5 hours to sit in a park or go to soft play?
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 16:43

@EisforEmergency

I have thr opposite OP. My DC are 10 and 8. My friend has met the eldest and never met the youngest. Until 2 years ago we lived 2 hours away. Now we live about 15 minutes away. She still hasnt met DS. Honestly, there is NOTHING enjoyable or relaxing for me taking DC to a cafe…from about the age of 1. If I want to know what’s going on in my friends life I arrange childcare. I’m a bit disappointed now that we live close and the DC are at school we haven’t met up more, and I’m really sad that meeting my DS clearly hasn’t registered on her radar….but she is mid 40s and single….maybe it’s just to painful to meet up with friends DC as it reminds her of what she doesn’t have, or perhaps she is quite happy with her status quo….I’m not sure how it would have panned out if I’d insisted on bringing my kids every time. I suspect we wouldn’t be friends.
@EisforEmergency

I would imagine going to a soft play would make your friend quite relieved that she doesn’t have kids and not sad!

Honestly it’s pretty depressing that the first default line of thinking when a woman doesn’t have kids is that she wanted them and is desperately sad about it

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/04/2022 16:43

@Rockband
The baby is a year old, it’s not that early

amymorris01 · 12/04/2022 16:44

I would not want a baby around too. My friend always used to bring her 10 year old dd who was very opinionated she spoke more than her mum and it got that we didnt want to invite because they came as a double. Spoilt it really.

oioimatey · 12/04/2022 16:48

If she's a close friend just say that you'd like to see her on her own so you can do adult things. I don't think that's unreasonable at all. If she can't make it then she can't make it. She needs to accept that her life has changed since becoming a parent.

I would never, ever suggest going to soft play if it was for an adult meet. That's wild!

NorthSouthcatlady · 12/04/2022 16:50

YANBU. I get her life and lifestyle has changed. Why does everyone else’s have to? They didn’t make that decision like she did. Does anyone actually like soft play?!

custardbear · 12/04/2022 16:51

Just send a message asking when she can get childcare so you guys can have a grown ups day out
It would piss me off and I have kids and bloody hate soft play except one local to me which sold alcohol