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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to prefer friend not to bring baby every time?

156 replies

User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:00

Hello,

My friend had her first baby and he is now a year old. I live 5 hours away so see her once every 2-3 months along with some other girls in our group, one of whom also has to travel for meet ups from London.

The friends baby is very cute and it's nice to see him but is it unreasonable for her to bring him every time? It affects our meet ups I.e we go to child friendly places and children's parks rather than bars or cinema. When it was forecast rain she suggested we spend our Saturday at the soft play which I really did not want to travel up to do. Her husband is great and very supportive and hands on and so is her family so I believe she brings him because she thinks we want him there every time rather than no option. I would rather just visit her and her husband with my husband at their house to see the baby though rather than she bring him to girls dates. I don't have kids so hard hat at the ready that I may be very unreasonable and need to expect this for the next 10 years?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/04/2022 15:22

Have you asked if she is leaving the baby with anyone at all? You could start a conversation about when does she think that she will be ready to leave the baby overnight? It might not be under eighteen months. What's her response if you suggest you visiting them and going out? Has she got any babysitters?

Marvellousmadness · 12/04/2022 15:22

Either don't invite her

Or

Send out a girls night out invitation to everyone with a pub /bar as location

Id fucking hate it if i had to meet in a playground or other lame places just cuz she had a baby

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/04/2022 15:23

I had my first dc years before any of my friends but still managed to go out without the baby. In fact, I looked forward to it! When one person takes a baby/toddler, the whole meet up becomes about that child, intentional or not.

AlandAnna · 12/04/2022 15:25

Ah ok. So you travel to meet her and then you go out to child friendly places rather than out out?
If that’s the case I think you could just say ‘oh let’s have a girlie night out and a proper catch up’

Prinnny · 12/04/2022 15:27

God no! I can’t believe she’d suggest a girls catch up at soft play!

Next time suggest non child friendly activities or just say ‘do you think DH could have little Romeo so we can have a proper catch up?’.

Childcare in the day can be hard I get it I have a 2YO but I would always say oh I have to fetch DD when friends ask me for lunch; it’s never a problem but if it was we would have to rearrange for when DH is available to have her.

Original poster
User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:28

@AlandAnna

Ah ok. So you travel to meet her and then you go out to child friendly places rather than out out? If that’s the case I think you could just say ‘oh let’s have a girlie night out and a proper catch up’
Yes that's right, when we meet because a couple of us are travelling it's always been a day time thing to make the most of timings rather than an evening thing hence why we probably haven't done girls night out type activity.
OP posts:
EisforEmergency · 12/04/2022 15:29

I have thr opposite OP. My DC are 10 and 8. My friend has met the eldest and never met the youngest. Until 2 years ago we lived 2 hours away. Now we live about 15 minutes away. She still hasnt met DS. Honestly, there is NOTHING enjoyable or relaxing for me taking DC to a cafe…from about the age of 1. If I want to know what’s going on in my friends life I arrange childcare. I’m a bit disappointed now that we live close and the DC are at school we haven’t met up more, and I’m really sad that meeting my DS clearly hasn’t registered on her radar….but she is mid 40s and single….maybe it’s just to painful to meet up with friends DC as it reminds her of what she doesn’t have, or perhaps she is quite happy with her status quo….I’m not sure how it would have panned out if I’d insisted on bringing my kids every time. I suspect we wouldn’t be friends.

mrziggycoco · 12/04/2022 15:32

The thing is your friend doesn't want to be away from her baby, which is not just okay, it's perfectly natural. It's also fine that you don't want to hang out with a baby.

It's not nice that your friend is being spoken about behind her back. Simply tell her you don't wish to hang around with her baby and let her decide whether your company is worth being away from her baby for a while, or not.

Jazzy1000 · 12/04/2022 15:35

It's completely reasonable that you meet the adults only. Her baby is 1 not a few weeks old.
I think her suggesting that friends without kids meet in a soft play is totally self absorbed to be honest

Beelezebub · 12/04/2022 15:36

I’ve got kids and would do anything to avoid soft play if I was meeting my friends. I certainly wouldn’t expect them to meet me there if none of them had children themselves and I had a perfectly capably husband at home to look after his own child.

Holy hell in a ball pit Batman.

ouch321 · 12/04/2022 15:37

She's taking the mick unfortunately.

Some people think that just because they have a child the world should revolve around them.

Quite cringey.

Jazzy1000 · 12/04/2022 15:37

And I have 3 kids and like bringing them to soft play but no way would I subject a friend who didn't have a child with them to it

pictish · 12/04/2022 15:38

Like hell would I travel five hours to sit in soft play. Yanbu…she is being rather selfish or at best, unaware.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/04/2022 15:39

Some new parents have their heads in the clouds. If you want to meet one on one you'll probably just have to come out and say it. "come on, just the two of us."

UnsuitableHat · 12/04/2022 15:39

I think you have to compromise when meeting friends with kids, but it’s a bit much to suggest a soft play for a girls’ get together. Agree with the suggestions that the venue is pre-decided (at least sometimes) then you see if she can come.

Lou98 · 12/04/2022 15:39

YANBU - however, because it's what you have all always done for the past year and it's only once every 2-3 months she probably does genuinely think you want to see the baby so I think your only option is to plan something that isn't baby friendly (although that can be hard if she's determined to bring them as even lunch etc there's no reason they technically couldn't come) or you'll need to talk to her and just say is there any chance you could leave baby with Dad and we could have a proper catch up with lunch and drinks etc. Although keep in mind if you're doing it during the day, it could be that her Husband works and can't have the baby.

I have an 11 month old and I'm the first of my friends to have a baby bar one. Whenever they suggest meeting up I always ask what they want to do so I can leave baby with my Partner, sometimes they'll tell me that they really want to see him because they've not seen him in ages so we'll go for lunch somewhere family friendly (definitely not a soft play!) Other times they'll say let's go just us adults for dinner/drinks/cinema whatever it may be.
I don't mind either way - honestly I prefer meeting up without him as it's time to myself but they do also complain about not seeing him in ages if I don't take him sometimes, hence why I give them the option

Glittertwins · 12/04/2022 15:40

@Jazzy1000

And I have 3 kids and like bringing them to soft play but no way would I subject a friend who didn't have a child with them to it
This completely! No way would I want to drive 5 hours to a soft play even with my own kids to be honest. DH describes them as Dante's circles of hell even when we had 2 toddlers so to expect a person without children to suffer that is not on!!
Springhassprung86 · 12/04/2022 15:45

Nah YANBU. I have a friend like this. Drives me mad an dominated every meet up. It’s ok to have an hour without your kids.

2DogsOnMySofa · 12/04/2022 15:45

Do your other friends want to go to bars and clubs? Sometimes you get to an age where you don't want to go to bars until the wee hours. If they do simply say to her that you're meeting in x place, but planning on going to a few bars and restaurants, it'll be a late one, so she might want to leave dc at home.

Frenchie8690 · 12/04/2022 15:45

Your friend expects your girls meet up to take place at a soft play so she can bring her child?! That's really unreasonable! 😱

Gizacluethen · 12/04/2022 15:47

When you discuss a meetup are you including the phrase "would love to see baby" at any point? Because it's a really common thing that people say and she may think that everyone does want to see the baby.

Original poster
User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:47

@2DogsOnMySofa

Do your other friends want to go to bars and clubs? Sometimes you get to an age where you don't want to go to bars until the wee hours. If they do simply say to her that you're meeting in x place, but planning on going to a few bars and restaurants, it'll be a late one, so she might want to leave dc at home.
Yeah I don't necessarily think we do want to go to bars/clubs. It's more like just an adult meet up in a nice cafe/restaurant. I don't mean to sound rude but when we go to the family friendly places it's been chaos - menus screwed up, toys everywhere all over the table, other children running around screaming. I find it quite a stressful experience! Maybe we just haven't selected the best places to go.
OP posts:
Original poster
User727568 · 12/04/2022 15:48

I do like to see him and I am happy to see him and would indeed request to see him on occasion but it's just the fact it's every time.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 12/04/2022 15:49

To be honest I think if she wanted to leave her baby at home she would do.

Many mothers don’t like leaving their baby’s when they’re young.

You could suggest going to X place (not child friendly) and suggest meeting up at somewhere close to hers to see the baby and then she can drop baby home and you can all go on to X place (without baby).

Fundays12 · 12/04/2022 15:49

It’s not unreasonable as bringing a child with you particularly a young child changes the dynamics totally. Everything is then focused on the child including the venue, chat etc. Why not suggest an evening meal and drinks in an adults only venue if possible?