To think having kids is brutal

[Peachypear10]

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

@Peachypear10 the only thing I found brutal was pregnancy and giving birth, the only one in my family that makes me stressed is the husband lol
Only last night I was wondering if I made a mistake not having 1 more
I have DS 16 and DD 11 and they are like my best friends sure it’s hard work at times

And I never wanted children when I was younger DS was not planned but thank goodness it happed otherwise I don’t think I would have ever planned for children

Good luck I’m sure you’ll do what is right for you

I love having kids. I honestly don't recognise all the complaining some people do, it's become some sort of competition to see who can bitch the most. Their kids do sound shockingly badly behaved, though. Mine aren't. They'd say it was 'luck' but maybe mine don't act badly because I don't post on messageboards about how much I hate them.

My identity is fine as I continue to see friends and have a great job, none of us get ill, we're not stressed.

You just sort of... I don't know, parent normally? Like, a few boundaries and set some expectations and... yeah. Delightful, really. Hilarious thing is MN doesn't believe you if you say your kids like to play with toys, read, play nicely with their siblings, have conversations and get good grades. You're honestly called a liar, and it's really weird. They must know some decent kids, surely?

The early years can be brutal (see the mum burnout thread), relentless frustrating but also joyous. There are times in the dead of night when I feel I’ve gone crazy with sleep deprivation but also times I secretly love the silent cuddles. I’ve gained a different social life via school and I am so proud when my children achieve something new or they surprise me. I nearly cried when my daughter swum her first length as I’ve never seen her so happy. Her pride in herself was infectious.

@Lunalae

I love having kids. I honestly don't recognise all the complaining some people do, it's become some sort of competition to see who can bitch the most. Their kids do sound shockingly badly behaved, though. Mine aren't. They'd say it was 'luck' but maybe mine don't act badly because I don't post on messageboards about how much I hate them.

My identity is fine as I continue to see friends and have a great job, none of us get ill, we're not stressed.

You just sort of... I don't know, parent normally? Like, a few boundaries and set some expectations and... yeah. Delightful, really. Hilarious thing is MN doesn't believe you if you say your kids like to play with toys, read, play nicely with their siblings, have conversations and get good grades. You're honestly called a liar, and it's really weird. They must know some decent kids, surely?

See, I think there is a lot of luck involved as well. And often it is more nature than nurture. Also, as a parent of a YA, enjoy your kids but don't count your chickens too soon.

So far having a child is great - so great we're working on child number 2. But DH and I work part time to have the equivalent of a SAHP. Massively underrated option IMO, removes a huge amount of stress, though I do understand we're lucky to have the option (though I'm not sure it costs us all that much as we don't need to pay for childcare). And it means he's much more around while I'm on mat leave - I barely lifted a finger except to feed DD for the first three or four months of her life.

Incidentally, DH was on antidepressants long term and since having DD has been able to come off them.

Obviously I'm not recommending having a child to help with depression - that would be an extremely risky strategy! But it's definitely helped him.

@110APiccadilly

So far having a child is great - so great we're working on child number 2. But DH and I work part time to have the equivalent of a SAHP. Massively underrated option IMO, removes a huge amount of stress, though I do understand we're lucky to have the option (though I'm not sure it costs us all that much as we don't need to pay for childcare). And it means he's much more around while I'm on mat leave - I barely lifted a finger except to feed DD for the first three or four months of her life.

Nice set up but realistically how many families can afford this?

The shock to the system is that most women have children believing the world is more or less equal and then discover that all the unpaid labour falls to them. That's what leads to the depression.
This. He takes all of the opportunities to do paid fulfilling work for himself. You’re left with the unpaid work that isn’t valued or fulfilling in any way, it’s just drudgery.

It depends on so many things.

I really love being a Dad, yes it can be hard and I’m a bit knackered, but to me that doesn’t matter in the slightest. But when I became a parent (a lone parent), I had financial security so not having to worry about finances took a huge weight off my shoulders, I was also able to afford to work part time, so I had more time with my son and I wasn’t quite so knackered. Now I have a daughter with my husband despite her being allergic to sleep, I don’t find it brutal, we can afford our bills etc, once adoption leave is over we’ll both be working part time, he takes over when he gets home so I can nap etc, when he’s on leave I’ll be doing the same for him.

Like many things in life if you’re financially secure it is a lot easier.

@Babyroobs I did acknowledge that we're lucky to have this option. Though (for tax reasons) it is cheaper than having a single full time SAHP. (And, IMO, nicer as both get time with the child and also away from the child!)

It is pure joy and I would do it all again. Wish I had had more kids! I say that as the Mum of a child with high functioning ASD and another with profound dyslexia who has had struggles with being bullied at school. We as a family are a team. We enjoy each others company and are very close-knit. We are only moderately sociable adults, but I love having a house full of our kids’ teenage friends, who come and go and see our house as their second home. I never minded the endless sleepless nights and musical beds (8 years in total) or any of the many challenges along the way. I was lucky that we were able to afford for me to work part-time for the best part of a decade. I think financial hardship brings its own stresses.

I have a 2 year old (IVF baby) and a 1 year old. The youngest has recovered from one serious illness and has just been diagnosed with a different incurable illness. That along with lockdown.. I'd be lying if I said life hasn't been brutal at some points over the last year.
We have been very unlucky with these 2 rare illnesses. However, my life is so much richer since having children! They bring me so much joy and I could burst with pride watching their little personalities emerge.
For me it's so worth all the sleepless nights, stress and worry. But I can totally see why people choose not to have children (I had the same thoughts as you until I was around 35 years old)

I’m not a parent to humans (I have a dog) and have never wanted children and it is fine if you’re like this, OP. We’re all different.

But if you do want them, go for it. I personally think it’s terrible if a person had them but regretted it, but almost worse if a person regretted not doing it and it became too late.

I would honestly say as a mother.... that if you aren't that bothered..don't have kids.....

*.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under).*

How many kids do they have though? I think this makes a huge difference 1 child to 3 under 5.

Parenthood has been the greatest joy of my life. My son is 17 months old and yes it's hard but it's wonderful.

Lol, you could end up on anti-depressants whether you have kids or not! It’s living!

I had my children young and didn't follow the rule book. I didn't go back to work when they were under 5 unless I was doing back to back work with their dad. That meant a parent was always there when they were under 5. Raising children is hard work and does take juggling. Two of mine are adults now and I do get a degree of biological satisfaction in knowing I've done my genetic duty and raised the next generation to adulthood.

Children are hard work but it is satisfying too.

I think you have to do things that please you too, rather than just trying to please the child.

I like being outdoors, reading and cooking so that's what I do with the kids. No soft play, long car journeys or complicated jewellery making sessions or whatever.

Rachaelrachael

💐

@jugglerofballs

It is brutal. It is also joyous. And heartbreaking. And amazing. And devastating. And breathtaking. And horrific. And incredible.

Nothing is black and white - especially not parenting.

Very well put.

I raised my daughter alone and although it was hard I don’t regret any of it. Somehow having generally quite a tough time meant I worried less. We really had very little in terms of material possessions, but the time I had with her was priceless. It really depends on what your expectations are and what you “have to” have prior to having children. It’s up to you what you want. Honestly I think my daughter in some ways had a better childhood than me (spoilt in comparison). My mother was never happy in herself, my parents were perfectionists and always stressed out; consequently I was rather unhappy as a child and had issues for a long time. It didn’t have to be that way!

It is sort of brutal sometimes… but lots of the time it’s great. However I only have one DC, have a husband who does more than 50% of child related things and our household income is more than 200k, with non stressful jobs & a lot of savings. So basically a lot of resources, and time and the minimum number of children and it’s still f-ing miserable sometimes.

I look at my friends with 2 kids/more stressful jobs/less helpful partners/lower income and think, I don’t ever want that to be my life.

Second to @dipdye I like skiing, swimming, cooking and reading and DC gets to do those things with me too. And sometimes I get to do them without her.

Kids are brutal, but also great. Also completely see that not everyone wants kids and that's good. But also hate that some people who are desperate for kids can't have them, where others get pregnant by accident. Life's so unfair at times