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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having kids is brutal

231 replies

Peachypear10 · 12/04/2022 12:16

My impression of raising children is that it's a long, horrible slog where every day for 18+ years is spent sacrificing all your time, energy, money and identity, and being exhausted, stressed, duty bound and miserable. That's generally the impression I get from MN.

I have several friends who have young kids (the kids are mostly all aged around 5 or under). Every single mum is on (or has been on) antidepressants long term, they don't sleep, are frequently ill with bad colds or bugs, are stressed and anxious all the time, and are always struggling financially. They all complain of existing in a non stop, exhausted haze of satisfying their children 24/7, while trying to hold down a job. And also desperately trying to maintain functioning relationships with partners, ex partners, family, friends etc.

I'm mid 30s and quite a way off being stable enough (money and living situation wise) to have a family. Wondering whether to just ditch the idea altogether rather than knocking my pan out over the next few years to set up all the foundations, (affording a home suitable for a family, etc) only in order to have a further soul destroying couple of decades. And especially when children have such a tough time now, need financial support well into adulthood, and the world is basically burning...

OP posts:
Autumnscene · 13/04/2022 04:14

When you get to your old age the one thing you would wish you did was to have children.

JanisMoplin · 13/04/2022 05:55

@Autumnscene

When you get to your old age the one thing you would wish you did was to have children.
Some might. Some might wish they had the extra money and better careers.
Destinyforthetaking22 · 13/04/2022 08:03

Children are a life changing decision and the constant grunt work and mental load can be brutal. However, you will never have felt emotions as deeply, painfully or joyfully once you do have them. By most accounts I have a lot going well in my life but I feel all of that would have paled into insignificance if I didn’t have them and I am thankful for them everyday. But I was someone who desired them and that desire was met. If I was ambivalent about having them then maybe I might think the sacrifices too great.

JanisMoplin · 13/04/2022 08:41

It's very high highs and very low lows.

suzyscat · 13/04/2022 22:32

YANBU it's hectic and selfless. I still think it's brilliant and fulfilling and fun, but I think more people should consider the reality of practically before having kids.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/04/2022 01:01

@Autumnscene

When you get to your old age the one thing you would wish you did was to have children.
@Autumnscene

I think you’re gonna need a better reason to fling out the condoms than that. (Even if you were right, which you aren’t.)

MintJulia · 14/04/2022 01:22

I had one dc in my 40s by which time I was secure in my career, had spent years working abroad and was ready to come home and not be out every night.

Ex & I split so I've been a lone mum for most of dc's 13 years. The hardest bit was having no back-up, before I could leave ds on his own for an hour, so up to the age of 8. Even getting my hair cut took military planning.

But DS was an easy, healthy baby and slept well. The only time I was ever depressed was coping with ex. Once DS & I left, everything was much happier and more cheerful. We have a good time, enjoy life and get on well.

The baby was easy, it was the man who was impossible. Smile

Newmumatlast · 14/04/2022 08:33

I don't find it brutal. I find my child hilarious and she amazes me with every little developmental step even though probably normal lol. I am not a sahm though so get adult time away plus I have family to help with childcare which makes a huge difference. If they couldn't help, I can afford childcare comfortably which also makes a huge difference. I don't have to worry about affording activities and clothes etc. I'm not sure I would feel the same if at home all the time with no breaks and struggling for money so stressed

Tulipblacksmith · 14/04/2022 08:37

I have 3 aged 12, 10 and 6. It’s been tough of course, the demands of parenting most certainly are, but I’ve never once needed antidepressants (I prefer to boost my mood in more natural ways if necessary).

I’m not one of those mothers who has been “driven to a glass of wine at 2pm”. I’ve never found that culture funny and usually it relates to mothers who can’t put adequate boundaries in with their children so they are literally run ragged all of the time.

I look after my own needs first and foremost so I’ve never felt drained. Kids seem happy and balanced, but they most certainly do have firm boundaries and they have thrived.

I’ve also never worked full time. Live modestly not luxuriously.

NellesVilla · 14/04/2022 23:57

Autumnscene
”When you get to your old age the one thing you would wish you did was to have children.”

Tell that to all the elderly people in care homes, waiting for their kids to hopefully visit them one day. Hint: many won’t.
Or to the elderly people who know their kids are waiting for them to shift off this mortal coil and release the inheritance.

WouldBeGood · 15/04/2022 00:06

I never really wanted kids, but having them is the best thing ever. I’m a fairly relaxed parent though. Fitted them into life as far as possible, farmed them out to stay with relatives (😱), took them out to meals, drank wine, prioritise happiness over frantic routines and activities, it’s great.

Don’t be put off by some of the extreme parenting you see on here 😃

TabithaHazel · 15/04/2022 00:21

The happiest and calmest parents I know are those with only one child. Having children close together in age is really brutal as they will both be constantly competing for the same parental resources. So perhaps the trick to a happy and harmonious life is to have one child, or perhaps a 5 or so age gap between children.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/04/2022 00:33

Don't feel it's compulsory to have children. The world isn't short of them. In fact you'd probably be doing the world a favour if you didn't have them.

Sarah13xx · 15/04/2022 00:35

This was pretty much the view I had. I’m a teacher too so I knew just how full on children were having dealt with them day in day out for years. The main thing for me was the sleep. If I was going to have a baby that didn’t sleep I really didn’t think I wanted one at all, I just physically don’t think I could cope with that. I also felt like all id heard my whole life were horror stories of births and the lifelong devastation left behind after a human head has come out of your hoohaa. So I knew none of that was for me. I negotiated with myself in my head and decided id maybe have one at 40 then I could live some more of my life first. Randomly, that completely changed last year when I just had that broody feeling for the first time ever. I had a baby and you would not believe what this baby is like! Since 6 weeks he’s slept 11-7 and since 10 weeks he’s slept, not just most nights, I mean EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for a minimum of 12 hours, most nights it’s nearer 14 😯 I did read Gina Ford when I was pregnant and followed a bit of a routine to start with but he is just unreal. He’s not a bit of bother and I can honestly say my dog is 10x harder work. He’s just this little guy I take about with me and get to do activities with. Oh and I had a c-section due to my overwhelming fear of birth. Best experience ever! People seem to hate hearing positive stories about anything to do with babies. I would never have believed I could have got a baby who is as little hassle as he is but somehow I have and he’s just the best little person ever 😊 Read Gina Ford and go for it I say 🤣

jokalyn · 15/04/2022 01:16

Basically kids are brutal. And can be a nightmare all day but then that one smile makes it all worthwhile. Same as giving birth it's the worst pain ever, some woman are split in 2 or nearly die giving birth but somehow we are willing to do it again for a second child. Like when they sick it's super grim but as a mum I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than with my kids when they're poorly

Lhddujvf · 15/04/2022 01:27

YABU. Being a parent is incredible. I absolutely adore this beautiful human being I have created. I wake up every day feeling elated to have her..

macaronipenguinn · 15/04/2022 02:28

@Organictangerine

It’s what you make it.

MN is quite full of middle class neuroses around child raising - overanalysing everything, obsessing over schools, worrying about every little thing.

I personally really enjoy parenting, I find my child funny and interesting. Being quite naturally lazy it has been good for me, forcing me to look forward, get my arse out of bed at a reasonable time each day etc. But equally I don’t obsess over a bit of screen time, making sure everything is educational, what primary school she will go to etc.

Obviously none of that applies to parents whose DC have SEN.

My kid has SEN and I find him pretty funny and interesting
macaronipenguinn · 15/04/2022 02:35

Actually, having my autistic child fixed me in ways I never expected. I am stronger and braver because of him. Caring for him is instinctive and driven by pure love. Alongside him I have shed many of the hang ups I had about 'normal' life (there is no such thing) and I often find myself leading by his example in pursuing things that make me happy instead of things I think I should be doing. His hugs are the tightest you could ever wish for. His unconditional love and trust in me literally puts wind into my sails.

I was lost before I had him. I feel found now.

jokalyn · 15/04/2022 02:49

@macaronipenguinn ❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️

ashitghost · 15/04/2022 02:53

It’s ace. Best thing ever. Don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. But not all mothers are depressed and broken women.

Loads of women go on about how they love being child free and launch into this hysterical hyperbole about how shit motherhood looks. And boy do they want us mothers to agree. Hmm

Oneortwo2022 · 15/04/2022 03:04

It depends on your life circumstances and what sort of person you and the child are. If you get a high needs baby who wants to be held a lot, whinges and doesn’t sleep well your experience will be very different to a mum with a more chilled out baby. If you are someone who likes lots of alone time or who likes to do adventurous things on the spur of the moment you will find the baby and toddler years hard. If you are a perfectionist and like to be in control of things children will be hard.

LBFseBrom · 15/04/2022 03:09

@AntarcticTern

It's hard work at times, and you absolutely shouldn't have them if you don't want to, but your post misses out all the joy! I have three, they're teenagers now and have brought be a lot of happiness over the years.
That's a lovely post.

I only had one child for various reasons but he has always been my joy. Of course there are difficult times, that's part of life, but the good times outweigh them.

needmorethanthis · 15/04/2022 04:17

YANBU
If you do have kids only have one because the exhaustion etc multiplies. I haven’t even got to the teen years yet and I’m a shadow of my former self

DockOTheBay · 15/04/2022 04:23

@Organictangerine

They take over your body, house and mind.

Sounds like the movie Alien.

They don’t ‘take over your body’ Confused obviously there’s the pregnancy part, which I can’t lie and say is easy (is for some, not me), but that’s only a short period of time in the scheme of things.

I've been pregnant and/ or breastfeeding constantly for 6 years now, and I only have 2 kids. That's quite a long time even "in the scheme of things"
WTF475878237NC · 15/04/2022 04:31

Assuming I live until 80 I wouldn't say the hard moments last long at all in comparison to the decades of joy.