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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sleeping on a bare mattress is just, well, wrong?

161 replies

BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 02:54

My "D"P and I have been together for five years ish, and moved into my old flat together last autumn ahead of a move overseas next year. We have very different waking/sleeping times due to our work schedules, so we have separate bedrooms for weeknights (then at weekends we'll often sleep in "my" bedroom ifyswim). As a result, the move-in meant that I relinquished my private office in the flat and turned it into his bedroom - I arranged for (and paid for - he's on a low income) delivery of a full new suite of bedroom furniture, new mattress etc. to turn my former office into his bedroom.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that DP has been sleeping on this now-6-months-old mattress without any sheets on - I'd never really twigged before, but when I started to look closely at it, it was absolutely disgusting. Filthily grubby, covered in bobbles where his pajamas had obviously rubbed against it. We had words (apart from it being truly vile, in my eyes, I've now got no chance of recouping any of the costs I paid for it by selling it on second hand) and he promised to use a sheet going forward. We have a laundry cupboard full of bedlinen, but I bought another new sheet so he could feel it was "his" to use in the future.

I've just stepped into his room because he was having a coughing fit and... no sheet. I'm furious.

So, Mumsnet...
AIBU to dictate DP's bedlinen use when it's not really hurting anyone?

Yes - let the poor man sleep however he wants!
No - protect the mattress at all costs!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2022 03:01

It's minging and I'm not one of those weird MN hyper-clean people.

But if it's his, he can be minging .

Boxowine · 12/04/2022 03:03

You marry the man you meet. An old saying which basically means that you need to evaluate a person's habits and determine if you are overall compatible or not. Because they are not going to change. Partners are not improvement projects. The mattress thing is kind of disgusting and might be an indicator of unsavory personal habits that you will have to live with. Or spend a lifetime having to put that little extra effort to do yourself because they won't and it's unbearable for you to have to live with. Is it just the mattress? Are there other things that you've asked them to do and they've disregarded? Is any of this a deal breaker?

icelollycraving · 12/04/2022 03:08

How had you not noticed before? I understand the sleeping separately but was there no washing in the last 6 months? Had you not stepped in there at all, in your own property?!
I’m baffled as to how this has happened for that long and for you to not have seen.
It isn’t great, and I would find it off putting in a grown man.

Tothepoint99 · 12/04/2022 03:12

Definitely protect the mattress at all costs for the reasons you said. And as someone has already said, he'll do it again.

Ulelia · 12/04/2022 03:13

Groooooosssssss. My partner would occassionally try this or using a duvet/pillow with no cover when he was 22 and pissed, I refused as it felt disgusting and he has never done it again. Doesn't he get really sweaty?!

Original poster
BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 03:14

@icelollycraving

How had you not noticed before? I understand the sleeping separately but was there no washing in the last 6 months? Had you not stepped in there at all, in your own property?! I’m baffled as to how this has happened for that long and for you to not have seen. It isn’t great, and I would find it off putting in a grown man.
@icelollycraving

I'd noticed before that there wasn't a sheet on the mattress, but it hadn't properly clicked that he'd actually been sleeping like that, if you see what I mean? With hindsight I should have investigated further, sooner, but it was such an alien concept I couldn't fathom that was the case!

OP posts:
Chouetted · 12/04/2022 03:14

Logically, I'm not sure it's much more grubby than using a bedsheet - doesn't sweat etc go through it?

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 12/04/2022 03:15

Ew. Sleeping like a junkie in a squat. He sure appreciates your hard earned money being spent on his mattress, doesn't he?

Original poster
BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 03:17

@Boxowine

You marry the man you meet. An old saying which basically means that you need to evaluate a person's habits and determine if you are overall compatible or not. Because they are not going to change. Partners are not improvement projects. The mattress thing is kind of disgusting and might be an indicator of unsavory personal habits that you will have to live with. Or spend a lifetime having to put that little extra effort to do yourself because they won't and it's unbearable for you to have to live with. Is it just the mattress? Are there other things that you've asked them to do and they've disregarded? Is any of this a deal breaker?
@boxowine and @tothepoint99

He's otherwise very, very good about doing things I ask - absolutely stalwartly reliable and generally quite good around the house (albeit with a few "Bachelor" habits domestically that we're amicably working through - but small stuff, like not using metal spatulas with a non-stick pan Shock). That's why Matressgate is so utterly baffling!

OP posts:
Original poster
BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 03:19

@Chouetted

Logically, I'm not sure it's much more grubby than using a bedsheet - doesn't sweat etc go through it?
@chouetted See, this is his argument, too - if it's just as unhygienic to not use a sheet, and he finds it much more pleasant to do so (for reasons I haven't fully worked out - something about the sheet being uncomfortable to lie on when it gets a bit rucked up?), why shouldn't he? It's definitely food for thought!
OP posts:
PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 12/04/2022 03:22

That's really really weird. I have mattress protectors on all my beds, and I still wouldn't sleep on one without a bottom sheet! It might be worth getting him to put a mattress protector on if you have one spare.

Does he use pillow cases and a duvet cover?

FreyaMaya · 12/04/2022 03:27

Leave him alone.... or leave him. Problem solved

Monty27 · 12/04/2022 03:30

Chuck him out

rolllan · 12/04/2022 03:35

If it's separate beds then so what. If he's in bed with you and refuses you to have a sheet then that's not good, but does it matter in a different bed

Original poster
BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 03:36

@PolkadotsAndMoonbeams

That's really really weird. I have mattress protectors on all my beds, and I still wouldn't sleep on one without a bottom sheet! It might be worth getting him to put a mattress protector on if you have one spare.

Does he use pillow cases and a duvet cover?

@PolkadotsAndMoonbeams A mattress protector is a great idea - I've got one on my bed, but I'll get one for his, too. Re pillowcases and duvet covers, that's a really good point - he does use them now, but I vaguely remember, way back in the mists of time when we started dating, that not being the case and flagging it as a issue. Which, to his credit, he has kept up with ever since (barring a couple of supplementary uncovered pillows that he pulls out for extra "propping-up" if he's ill etc.). It did take me flagging it as an issue before it was resolved, though, so maybe it's a natural aversion to bedlinen in its entirety?

Potentially relevant (?), but he's not from the UK - he's from the US, but as far as I can recall from visiting family/holidaying over there, bedlinen is very much a standard thing there? (apart from using old-style comforters and blankets rather than duvets!)

OP posts:
backtobusy · 12/04/2022 03:39

People in the USA don't sleep on bare mattresses anymore than Brits do.

GlitterSquid · 12/04/2022 04:41

I'm surprised so many people think this is ok or 'his choice'
It's really scummy, even in terms of personal standards! The only times I've seen people sleeping on bare mattresses have been in absolute squalor or abuse.

It would put me right off him I'm afraid.

Also, 'sheet ruching up'?!? I have fitted sheets which NEVER ruche up!

AgentProvocateur · 12/04/2022 04:48

I’ve got very very low standards compared to the rest of MN, but this really grosses me out for some reason. Dirty mattresses 🤮🤮

olympicsrock · 12/04/2022 04:52

He’s lazy and dirty I’m afraid.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/04/2022 05:04

Ew
I'm not sure how you can respect a man who you buy a whole set of bedroom furniture for and he then treats it like this
It's just disgusting

BuanoKubiamVej · 12/04/2022 05:16

It's gross and it's wasteful. Matresses can't be waahed and are expensive to replace. A good mattress should remain in good condition for several years. He's destroyed this one in a few months. But the fact fhat he doesn't care would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't think I could bring myself to be in a relationship with someone with such low standards of hygiene.

doggyweewee · 12/04/2022 05:17

LTB …. 😉

This is mattessgate

Seriously though, it is a lot gross! Perhaps a nod to student/bachelor days? Have you asked him why?

Don’t think you would get much for a second hand matress anyway so probably not a big loss. Kind of reminds me of those gross hoarding shows Envy (vomit not envy)

doggyweewee · 12/04/2022 05:18
  • mattressgate FFS 🤦‍♀️
grey12 · 12/04/2022 05:23

Disgusting! He should have both a mattress protector and a bedsheet!! I don't care if he washes the bedsheets once a month 🤷🏻‍♀️ better than what you described!

Just went to see a property for sale that was really filtrhy and the guy also slept in just the mattress. It was so disgusting and heavily stained you can imagine!!! 🤢 you know those mattress you see by the bins that someone disposed of? And then the stray dogs use it what not? Waaaaaaaaay worse than that!!!

WhoKnewWho · 12/04/2022 05:26

Leave him (and his mattress).

It bothers you. He clearly couldn't care less.

If it's a deal breaker, finish it.