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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sleeping on a bare mattress is just, well, wrong?

161 replies

BedlinenDrama · 12/04/2022 02:54

My "D"P and I have been together for five years ish, and moved into my old flat together last autumn ahead of a move overseas next year. We have very different waking/sleeping times due to our work schedules, so we have separate bedrooms for weeknights (then at weekends we'll often sleep in "my" bedroom ifyswim). As a result, the move-in meant that I relinquished my private office in the flat and turned it into his bedroom - I arranged for (and paid for - he's on a low income) delivery of a full new suite of bedroom furniture, new mattress etc. to turn my former office into his bedroom.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that DP has been sleeping on this now-6-months-old mattress without any sheets on - I'd never really twigged before, but when I started to look closely at it, it was absolutely disgusting. Filthily grubby, covered in bobbles where his pajamas had obviously rubbed against it. We had words (apart from it being truly vile, in my eyes, I've now got no chance of recouping any of the costs I paid for it by selling it on second hand) and he promised to use a sheet going forward. We have a laundry cupboard full of bedlinen, but I bought another new sheet so he could feel it was "his" to use in the future.

I've just stepped into his room because he was having a coughing fit and... no sheet. I'm furious.

So, Mumsnet...
AIBU to dictate DP's bedlinen use when it's not really hurting anyone?

Yes - let the poor man sleep however he wants!
No - protect the mattress at all costs!

OP posts:
SmallPrawnEnergy · 12/04/2022 07:41

Because most adults know this very simple basic thing unless they've been raised by wolves?
Have you been raised by wolves, @TheOriginalChatelaine? Is that why you don't know how basic this is?
To be fair, even wolves know how to scratch at their own bedding to fluffy it up and make it better by moving it around and relaying it each time they settle. Not understanding the concept of bedding is just psychopath behaviour frankly.

Penguinevere · 12/04/2022 07:47

The mattress is just a mattress. I wouldn’t break up with someone over a mattress. BUT I’d be worried about having a “mum looking after a slobby teenager” dynamic in my relationship. I could not do that for the rest of my life.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/04/2022 07:54

See, this is his argument, too - if it's just as unhygienic to not use a sheet, and he finds it much more pleasant to do so (for reasons I haven't fully worked out - something about the sheet being uncomfortable to lie on when it gets a bit rucked up?), why shouldn't he? It's definitely food for thought!

Yeah…no. That’s crap. It sounds like he’s too lazy to make the bed to me. The excuse about the ‘rucked up’ sheet suggests that. What he’s really saying is that bedlinen is fiddly and he just can’t be arsed. Even when you had words about it, he still couldn’t be arsed. He’s treating you poorly and with no respect.

Worryingly, he’s also saying that he doesn’t give a damn about the mattress that you spent your money on for him. I wouldn’t fund him another moment frankly. He doesn’t respect you and probably thought you’d just buy him a new one when the mattress got dirty. Unless he’s 19 he must know that the bottom sheet is to protect the mattress as much as for the comfort of the user.

There were some less than hygienic people at uni when I was there eg not changing their bedding for a term, but nobody just slept on a mattress. Your DP sounds….strange? I don’t know. I can’t imagine anyone doing this by accident, and I suggest his laziness and lack of care will show in other areas over time.

Sswhinesthebest · 12/04/2022 07:55

My issue wouldn’t just be the filthy mattress, it the fact that his personal hygiene can’t be up to scratch either. Who wants to be around someone who’s happy to lie on a grubby mattres?

HaveringWavering · 12/04/2022 07:55

@TheOriginalChatelaine I think your joke has gone over a lot of people’s heads! Grin

bebetterthanhim · 12/04/2022 07:56

@Yellownightmare

I'm sorry but this would put me right off someone. I could live with him being a bit lax with changing the sheets if he was sleeping in them. But letting you buy furniture that he then ruins and doesn't even care that you care. No.
This was my first thought too.
CharSiu · 12/04/2022 07:58

You bought everything, he is grubby, lazy and he can’t even use the correct kitchen utensil. He just sounds a bit shit at life op and people can be but this I will affect your life. Where overseas are you planning on moving ?

BottleBrushTree · 12/04/2022 08:00

That’s gross, like something a lazy teen would do who hasn’t learnt to adult properly yet, and hasn’t had to be financially responsible for buying a new (clean) mattress. I hope he pays attention to his personal hygiene but it would give me the ick and wonder what else he’s lazy and gross about, ie how often does he change clothes and undies, does he wash his hands after the toilet and before preparing food, yuk. Hmm

pictish · 12/04/2022 08:00

Our 20 yr old son does this from time to time and we chew him right out about it.
GET A SHEET ON THAT BED YOU MINGER.

So yanbu. Eurrrgh.

HaveringWavering · 12/04/2022 08:01

OP your “can’t sell it on” argument is a weak one- there is no market for second-hand mattresses. Put that out of your mind.

However this behaviour should make you seriously consider the relationship. How does a low-income US National manage to get a U.K. visa anyway? Are you going to the US with him?

lemongreentea · 12/04/2022 08:02

Maybe he would have beem more bothered had he paid for the mattress himself.

He sounds minging and unappreciative.

You said hes good in other ways, so can you let this go?

Very likely that if you ever share a bedroom fulltime it will be you and you alone who will be changing the best sheets. Did her ever change his duvet cover or pillowcases?

starrynight21 · 12/04/2022 08:02

He's otherwise very, very good about doing things I ask

This jumped out at me - you have to ask him to do things correctly. I'd move on - he won't change, he's just keeping you happy for the time being.

Menora · 12/04/2022 08:03

Not only do I have a mattress protector I also have pillow protectors, as yes, I find it gross. When I met my DP he was very lax about sheets and I wouldn’t sleep over at his. He would sleep at mine and be amazed at how nice the bed was. 2 years down the line he now also has a pillow and mattress protector and nice sheets without any nagging at all Grin

Fishwishy · 12/04/2022 08:06

It is pretty manly. Although I find my George vacuum cleaner/dirt extractor cleans a mattress very well

Fishwishy · 12/04/2022 08:06

Sorry not manly but manky.

Itsbackagain · 12/04/2022 08:07

Much as I think it's not nice it's his bed and he should be able to do what he wants.

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/04/2022 08:10

Whilst this is not something I would do, it is his bed and he should be able to sleep how he likes in it.

I would worry that it's a sign of laziness though.

mydogisthebest · 12/04/2022 08:10

Although I would never sleep without a bottom sheet I don't agree that sheets don't get rucked up.

They definitely do. I have tried lots of different fitted sheets from cheap to expensive and when you move around on them in your sleep they ruck up

BuanoKubiamVej · 12/04/2022 08:12

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant by such a man. Any baby would be in danger of all sorts of infections so you'd be effectively solo. Seriously reconsider this plan to move to another country with him. He can't be relied on.

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 08:12

You won't get any money for a secondhand mattress whatever the condition.

Yes, it's horrible. He's living like a teenage boy and TBH that's how you're treating him. The whole arrangement seems slightly ridiculous to me.

lisaandalan · 12/04/2022 08:13

The sheet can be washed every week the mattress can't. Something like this would put me right off him I'm afraid.
Cleanliness is very important to me and the fact he has no respect for things you have paid for. X

hulahooper2 · 12/04/2022 08:14

Can’t believe it took you so long to realise , and I don’t think there is much money to be made from a 2nd hand mattress

diddl · 12/04/2022 08:16

Sheets "ruck up"?

He must be really shit at making beds then!

NameGoesHere · 12/04/2022 08:16

Do you really want to be with someone like this? He literally sounds dirty.

Nanalisa60 · 12/04/2022 08:22

You can hoover the bed then get vanish carpet foam and spray it on the mattress give it a good scrub. Then let it dry hoover again . I personally use a mattress protector and a fitted sheet on my beds. To sleep on a mattress without a sheet is minging.